Sunday, January 31, 2010

Rewards

In spite of my last post, I've actually been doing pretty well. I measure my total loss from the single-day-high post Christmas - and on Friday (my lowest day so far) I was 8 pounds lighter.  More importantly, I've been doing what I set out to do. I have been planning and mostly controlling my eating. I have been exercising and looking for opportunities to be more active. I have been adding more vegetables into my diet.

So when a sale catalogue of jewelry from the Metropolitan Museum came by, I didn't just browse and toss. I hung onto it, studied it, and picked out a bracelet, way more than I would ordinarily get for myself:






Today I made my planned reward level and point, click, it's on its way!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Analysis of an Eating Event

Last night, and the night before, are not my proudest moments. Definitely had issues around unplanned extra eating. Certainly not "binges" and certainly not out of control. But I was driven to eat for comfort, not hunger.  I didn't try very hard to fight it, and rationalized why it was ok.  This is dangerous business, this loss of discipline and beginning rationalization. "I've had some success, things seem to be working, so why not lighten up?"

What actually happened?  I was done eating for the day, but then was driven off the couch and into the kitchen searching for something to eat.  I did eat, more than I planned when I said "I have a small amount of the calorie budget left, lets see what I can eat."  Instead, I ended up eating more than I was thinking about when I went searching, and even making one more trip back to the kitchen for one last tid-bit.  It wasn't even that good, but I didn't throw it away, I finished every tiniest bite.

Judith Beck would say to work through some steps to think about this, in best cognitive behavior therapy style.  It's also time to go back to her books, and work through some of the exercises and steps I've skipped over. Here's the drill:

What was I thinking? (This is not rhetorical, but an honest inquiry into thoughts and motivations.)  I was thinking I had room in my calorie budget for an additional treat. I was thinking my diet has been very successful the last couple of weeks, so its time to give myself a treat. I was thinking I was tired, I have been very disciplined all week, I restrained myself during extreme provocations, so it was time to reward myself with another treat.  I really want to feel full, not just "not hungry". I had chicken and green beans for supper instead of pizza, I've got room to eat some sweets.

What would have been helpful responses?  (Self-talk is the cornerstone of cognitive therapy.) Clearly, I am not hungry. This is in my head, not my stomach.  What can I do that would be a different reward? How can I distract myself? What about a nice cup of hot tea?

I'm now feeling like I'm coming down with something. Don't know what. But I'm stuck here in the house with a big snowstorm and very cold blowing weather outside, so distractions are harder to come by.  There is a real temptation to say because I'm sick I don't need to pay attention to what I'm eating. Very bad thinking. Instead, I should think about how much more quickly I'll feel good if I stick to the diet and won't have gained weight when the illness is over.

Often, it has been an illness that knocked me off the diet wagon. I've got some soups in the house, other worthwhile foods as well. Let's stick with them. I'll have a treat, but a planned one worked into the budget.  I should write it down now.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

STRESS

So I was humming along, feeling pretty good, on the elliptical today, nice small lunch. Feeling very productive at work. Then via email, notified of a parenting crisis.

EEEEKKKKK!  Stuck into a couple more meetings, all I could think of was what to do, how to handle. And it crossed my mind I'm being too self absorbed, focused on myself and my body, when what I really need to do is take care of my kids.  I felt sick to my stomach, like I was punched.

I dealt with the crisis. It kind of petered out. Wasn't the big deal I thought it was. Coped, and didn't cut any line of communication. I was exhausted, like I ran a marathon. But I had chicken and green beans for supper, well within the calorie limit. And tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

French Bread

Things are going well. I'm planning my eating, sticking to the plan, and starting to see some results on the scale. And so I lose my focus, and serve only meat, potatoes and bread for dinner - no vegetable at all.

I made some fresh Trader Joe's french bread into garlic bread. I knew it would be a hit, and I didn't make too much. However, two people didn't show up for dinner, and there was a surplus. The kids were chatty, and for a change we lingered at the table together. I had taken and eaten my one planned piece of bread already, but the rest was just sitting there...

Afterwards, I went to log it into my iPhone calorie tracker. Three pieces = 544 calories???? WTF? So I've kept looking, in my other iPhone calorie tracker. Three pieces = 284 calories??? Now on-line, several other sites, the consensus seems to be slightly over 100 calories per piece. I'm at the high end of my calorie target, but not off the charts. I can handle this - and I can learn a lesson from it.

Kim Bensen says "know before you go". Judith Beck says log your meals before you eat. If I'd had a number in my head as I sat there looking with the food in front of me, I don't know if I would have made a different choice. But I might have. I need to do more research, and I need to keep up my focus on planning.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My Good Old NordicTrak

When I'm on my NordicTrak (or nerdictrak, as a friend calls it) I'm not on some big modern electronic machine. My NT dates from the early nineties, and it is made primarily of wood and is an entirely mechanical device. It has long wooden slats with toe grips on them and I slide them back and forth as if I were skiing. The skis turn a flywheel, and the resistance on the flywheel can be adjusted to make the skis slide more easily or harder. I work my arms pulling a rope that is wrapped around a pulley with variable resistance. There is an electronic speedometer that is plugged into the flywheel, but I need to tell it what level of resistance I've set manually.

I've had this device since the early nineties and it still serves me well. My use over the years has been sporadic, with a few totally neglected years in there. But I think it saved my life back when I was filled with bleakness in Chicago. I got up and got moving and ending up changing my life.

During the Big Loss, in the late nineties, I averaged more than five days a week on it. Thirty-five minutes seems to be my magic time. I've still got the same setup now I had then. Right next to the NT I have a portable CD player. (Sadly, too old to have an iPod input). The table it's on has just enough extra space to hold a couple of CDs, a glass of water, and my eye glasses which I take off my sweaty face. I have a daylight lamp on a stand shoved up against the front corner of the NT, to shine in my face and wake me up (and combat seasonal affective disorder).

I work hard on the NT. I can't watch tv or listen to audiobooks or read a book. I have to have music and it has to be loud. I have to move to the beat, it is impossible to be out of sync, so the tempo has to be right for how I am feeling. I play CDs so I can't change during a session, though the skip button is within reach. I vary between classical, rock and reggae, and often prefer no lyrics so my mind can wander. During the Big Loss, I significantly expanded my classical library and considered it to be exercise equipment.  I would look forward to going down to the basement to listen to my new music, and incidentally get the exercise at the same time.

I got a heart rate monitor during the Big Loss and amused myself during the daily sessions observing how my body acts. Some says (like Sunday and today) it all feels uphill. For a large amount of subjective effort, I can't go very fast and the heart rate won't go up very fast. Other days, a given heart rate results in different speeds, for no apparent reason. I really need the speedometer or the heart rate monitor, to keep checking and keep pushing myself. Otherwise, I drift into an easy glide, not much different than strolling with the dog.  Certainly I find I wake up during the day, so a given heartrate results in a faster speed later on. I collect statistics on myself, do arithmetic in my head about how far I'm going and how fast, and generally amuse myself in my own mind. It's the closest I get to meditation.

Always, the first five minutes are hard. Sometimes, the first ten are bad. Rarely, by fifteen minutes in I'm still struggling. This time, I'm adding all-out-effort intervals, going as fast as I absolutely can for 30 or 60 seconds, before dropping back to my more normal speed. I find it gets me revved up and into the exercise euphoria more quickly, and the overall time goes much faster.

Today, it started hard and stayed hard. The heart rate wasn't going up, and neither was the speed, but I felt I was slogging through soft sand on the beach.  After 20 minutes, I'd had enough. I went upstairs and grabbed the weights, which I also totally love for my upper body. A rigorous and vigorous workout with them, also hard and far from peak performance, made me feel better about quitting the NT so soon.

At any rate, I love my good old NT. I don't know if they make these mechanical things anymore, but it really works for me.

Monday, January 25, 2010

No Excuse, Ma'am

I planned to NordicTrak this morning and didn't. I lingered in bed too long, drifting in and out of sleep while letting the soothing tones of NPR wash over me without attaching meaning to the words.

No real reason. Too late now, showered and about to head out the door. What is recoverable about the day?

Rigorous planning and execution of my eating. I am set up for that. A walk at lunch? Perhaps, but I think it's jam packed. Certainly the gym is out. Something this evening? HS will be home, so maybe I won't have to cook. At least the wii or DDR.

Off I go.


- iPhone uPdate

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Every Step a Slog

Today, every stride on the NordicTrak was an effort. It pretty much always starts that way, but usually five or ten minutes into it the music and the motion have taken me out of myself and I am just gliding along. Time on the NT is meditation time for me. My mind wanders, insights come, memories resurface, I get direction for the day.

Not today. I had to keep coming back to the gauge, making my legs move faster, keep working.

Now, I've got a pleased feeling for having stuck to it. My muscles are pleased, (though actually it's mostly my arms feeling good from the weights after the NT). If it was like this every day, I wouldn't be able to keep it up.

Often when it's so hard, it's an early warning of getting sick. At least one exercise book I've read would suggest it's a symptom of overtraining. That seems unlikely. The day is very grey and I'm very sensitive to sunlight. I felt pressed for time, and I had to fiddle with the monitor gadget on the NT for several minutes to get it to work. (I'm so numbers driven I couldn't imagine being on the NT without a sense of how hard and fast I'm going. Especially on a day like today when I can't just estimate.)

I did convince myself to take the time. I feel the time pressure, but if I can't make myself take the time on a weekend day when the schedule is self-imposed, when would I be able to do it? So yay me.


- iPhone uPdate

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Weekly Results

Time to report on weekly progress. Weight from a week ago:

Last Sat:     .... 0
Sun            .....  -2.5
Mon          ......  -2.5
Tues          ......  -3.5
Wed           .....  -3.5
Thurs         ......  -4.0
Fri              ...... -3.5
Sat             ...... -1.5

This is such a case for why I weigh myself every single day.  If I only weighed myself once a week, I might have a wrong idea of the weight process.  The average, week-over-week, is 2.1 pounds loss.  Even last week, when I was up at the end of the week, I was actually down 0.2 pounds on the average week-over-week.  Day to day variations are a real problem. There are likely going to be weeks when I am actually up, but not this week. As it turns out, not actually last week either.

I worked out - vigorous exercise machine - on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. This was a good week because Monday was a holiday, so only Tuesday did I get up and NT before work. Wednesday was the gym at work. My current plan is to do the vigorous exercise both weekend days, the first day of the week in the morning, and one day in the gym at work, so I made it. The cumulative sleep debt and fatigue really get to me by the end of the week, and I'll work on combatting that later.

I logged my meals every day, and averaged 1300 calories per day.  I averaged 8000 steps - but that is misleading since most of those steps were last Monday's Big Walk with girl and dog.  I averaged 7 1/4 hours of sleep - with weekends over 8 hours and closer to 6 hours during the week.

Progress is important, and I made progress.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

78 Days

I read somewhere recently that seventy-eight days is the average length of time people follow through on their New Year's diet-and-exercise resolutions. I was frankly surprised because it actually seems like a fairly long time to me - especially if it's the average (versus max) days. I guess I have a fairly short attention span compared to most. The main point of wherever I read this was one should make cumulative smaller set of incremental changes rather than changing everything at once. It's just not sustainable to do it all at once. It creates a hill too high. Discouragement from the level of effort required will make you quit. On the other hand, make each incremental small change a habit and each one wlll be effortless.

I think that's bunk. I'm a binge personality, all or nothing. I'll let the dishes pile up in the sink for a week and then clean them all at once. I get the "too hard" point, but the "discouragement from no visible progress for weeks" point trumps it totally, at least for me. Of course, to the objective eye, my opening comment on short attention span would say the binges haven't served me well.

At any rate, 78 days puts me right at the end of my upcoming cruise!  Gulp! So the trick is to stick it out to the cruise, and if I start up again post-cruise I'm beating the average.  So that's my thinking on how long I'm at this. I am not yet ready to commit to a lifetime. I am ready to take the step of making it to the cruise, and beyond.  (What happens during the cruise is something to be thought about later.)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Working Out at Work

I went to the gym at work today, for the first time since the summer. I really craved the exercise, so I blocked my calendar and went. The workout was very good, very worthwhile, but it's weird to work out at work.

I'm an executive (officially), fairly high status in my building. It's fair to say there are a lot more people who know me than I know (especially since I am so name and face challenged). Working out for me is a very private activity. The iPod is a godsend, letting me go into my own world. The obvious earbuds give me an excuse for not talking.

What to wear for the workout is very easy - long sweatpants and an extra large t-shirt. I'm also all gadgeted up - heart rate monitor chest band, wrist display, bodybugg on the upper arm, and ipod shoved in any which way.

I went shortly before noon, and the gym was packed. I was very conscious of time, and gave myself 30 minutes on the eliptical trainer. Then, just as I was nearing the end, an aerobics class let out and several women headed towards the small locker room with its four shower stalls. I decided to stay put for another few minutes of cool down cycle.

My previous workouts there were in much slower periods so there was not much company in the locker room. After I went in to the locker room this time, I consciously observed what others did to catch the protocol:  shuck clothes down to underwear, wrap towel around you, shed underwear while keeping the towel in place, and off to the showers in shower shoes.  Problem for me: I brought a very small towel, and totally missed the shower shoes when packing the gym bag.  On the way back from the showers, I ran into my newest employee. Not a problem, but one of the reasons I won't go often.

What's the problem with seeing my employees? Not some "oh my gosh, they'll see me fat and out of shape and know I'm human". I strongly suspect they know that already. It's more that I have to acknowledge and interact with them, when I would rather be anonymous.There's also the fact that I have more work than I can handle, and I feel guilty to take the time to go to the gym.

Anyway, I managed my shower and was back at work in a reasonable period of time, wrapped in the self congratulatory glow of a great aerobic workout.  Plans for next time include more off peak timing, and a bigger towel.

What Diet am I Actually On?

What diet am I actually following? What am I eating? Whose words guide my daily bread?

I think I'll call it "Nan's Miracle Diet". It is an amalgram of many different things. I spent years lying on the couch reading diet and exercise books while eating bonbons, learning different theories on how one should eat.  I had the Big Loss, ten years ago, and some minor forays into different food disciplines since then, to inform my current eating.

I eat low carb. I am also completely tracking every bite into one of several diet tracker / calorie counter programs on the iphone or web. (More on these tools in another post.)  My current eating, leading to some initial modest weight loss, is similar to previous diets in what I eat. My meal pattern is similar to previous recent attempts. The calorie counting and meticulous tracking, however, is mostly new to this attempt.

During the Big Loss, I followed the Carbohydrate Addicts Diet. Basically, as best I can remember, I ate nothing or eggs for breakfast, meat and veggies from home for lunch, sometimes a salad from work instead. Dinner included carbs, including a small sweet.

Now I am trying to have breakfast, of cheese or cottage cheese, every single morning. One ounce of cheese, or four of cottage cheese.  Full fat versions, gloriously rich, but relatively small.  Lunch again is meat and a vegetable from home, or a brought salad, or brought meat with a salad from the bar in the cafeteria. The food I bring is mostly leftovers from dinners, but I do a bit of purpose cooking in order to have lunches that are easy and something I look forward to.  My dinner is always meat-centric in accord with the family's wishes.  Sadly, very red-meat centric, often steak or lamb chops.  I try to introduce more chicken and turkey - for example, half beef half turkey ground meat for spaghetti.  I'm also trying to expand the vegetable intake for me and offered to the family. Always there is a carb - rice, commonly, or potatoes, or bread, or some combination.

Why do I eat low-carb?  Because it works.  In this case, "works" means it allows me to continue eating fewer calories.  If I ate a half-bagel for breakfast, by 10 am I would be back for the second half, then a whole other bagel, and planning a submarine sandwich for lunch, and brownies.  What I believe, from personal observation and from the major low-carb books (Carbohydrate Addicts, Protein Power, Atkins) is that eating carbs stimulates cravings for more.  Why spend my life fighting a craving that can be avoided by choosing differently?  Some of the low-carb diet books try to say your physiology changes and you lose weight faster for the same number of calories.  I don't think I believe that. But I do know that if I start each day low-carb, my calorie total for the day is likely to be lower. Presumably, my blood sugar is more stable, though I can't know that. Certainly, my perceived mood is more stable. The cravings are less, especially the longer I go on with no big carb loads. Danger times remain the late afternoon and late evenings, but seem to be more head than blood or stomach based cravings.

I think most current responsible diet books emphasize more protein, less carbs, and reasonable amounts of fat, like Beck's book I started with this month. Many of them avoid the low-carb label because of some stigma associated with it, started by Atkins I think.  I'm guessing Dr. Atkins enjoyed, and he certain encouraged, the controversy (there's no such thing as bad publicity).  Sadly, I think it may have hurt people's overall eating habits, scaring them away from low carb diets. It created a divide in my mind between "conventional" diets and what really works for me. This divide has kept me away from diet groups, many diet books, and being able to talk to many people about eating.

[WARNING: DIGRESSION HERe]  I remember during the Big Loss, the ADA (American Dietetic Association?) published a critique of low carb diets, including Atkins, that was picked up by conventional media, including NPR and the New York Times as a definitive study about how healthy these diets were.  I took advantage of fairly new search capabilities on the young web to track down the actual "study". It turned out, they set up the criteria that said, USDA food pyramid is healthy, let's compare these diets to the pyramid. Guess what, they don't match, so they must be unhealthy. It further went on to say people only lost water (at the time I'd lost over 30 pounds, hardly water alone), or if they lost actual weights, it was because they ate fewer calories because the diets appeared to suppress appetites.  They failed to discuss why a diet that made it easier to eat fewer calories was a bad idea.  I wrote out an indignant rebuttal, which I posted on my refrigerator.  Rarely have I encountered such bad science or science reporting.

So I eat low-carb. It works for me. I can go some days with primarily meat, and they will be low calorie days. I struggle continually to bring more vegetables into my diet, but in such a way they don't bring hidden carbs with them.

But I finish each day with one, two, or three chocolate squares. I like to have my little treat, less than 100 calories a pop. Because I've had a lot of protein through the day, it doesn't make me go wild. The late night urges are still there, but they are driven by good taste and emotional issues.

More on all this later.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Focused on the week ahead

A good weekend. Lots of exercise, including a long walk outdoors once the weather cleared up. Now to plan for the coming week.  Work has a way of pushing me off balance. As does the family. Not possible to remain totally in control.

For starters, I've got breakfast and lunch covered. Dinners, a bit more of a problem, but I've got stuff on board for every night, and I can watch my consumption of whatever is served. I'm trying to move away from beef towards chicken, but not without some resistance. If I feel creative, I've got some frozen salmon to do something with. And the freezer is full of vegetables - some for every meal. I'll ask the kids what they would like to see more of. Definitely the tacos - and I am going to do the next batch with two thirds ground turkey to one third hamburger.

Can I work exercise into the day? My plan is to get up tomorrow, well rested from the weekend, and hit the NordicTrak first thing. I think I can block the calendar to get to the gym one day at work. That's my new gym goal - one day a week. Then Friday, I'll aim at the NT in the basement again, though my experience has been it gets harder as the week goes on because I accumulate my sleep debt progressively through the week.

I'm pleased with the way I'm modeling my veggie eating for the kids. The oldest will eat cooked veggies if put on the table, and the others are seeing what I'm doing at least. There are ways of dressing up the veggies, sauces and stuff, which I am thinking about. 

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Books: Finally Thin! by Kim Bensen


Kim Bensen is very unusual - one of the true diet heroes. She lost over 200 pounds and has kept it off. Her book is about motivation and techniques. Her own story is inspirational - too many people who write diet books have never had a serious weight problem. I found it very interesting that she was an experienced and accomplished dieter - she was a classic yo-yo gaining and losing 20 or more pounds at a shot - until she finally lost control and was truly truly fat for some years. The interesting point is what finally gave her the final motivation to keep it off - her husband's health problems rather than her own. And what was different in her final approach - the realization that it would be forever, not for some defined period of time. So the first part of the book is her story.

The next part of the book is her 10 techniques to be able to do it.  Her techniques are simliar to others - plan, have a buddy, plan, and exercise. Nothing eye opening and no silver bullets.  I find the constant reinforcement of the steps and the work to be helpful in my own motivation. She followed Weight Watchers and is now employed by Weight Watchers, but isn't hung up on them as the only way to do it.

No diet book is complete without meal plans and recipes, so she includes some of those.She is big into using "lite" or fat-free versions of ingredients, something which has little appeal to me. (I'd rather have a recipe built from the ground up without oil or cream rather than a cornstarch infused fake ingredient.) She also has a foray into marketing her own brand of foods, Kim's Light Bagels. Since I'm not a bagel fan I haven't thought about going there.

One of her very specific tips has to do with planning: "Know before you go".  Figure out what you will eat at a restaurant before you get there. Easy to do at chain restaurants, where nutrition information is generally available (and linked from her website, Kimbensen.com). Much harder to do at more interesting unique restaurants. Often there is a menu posted on the web, (and often the menu is out of date, I've found) but the nutrition information is your own guess.  Bensen's point is there is a lot of hidden calories in the food and you need to ferret it out before you get there. Plan your choices and their calories into your day's eating plan.  Worthwhile advice.  I followed the links from her website to Quiznos, where I was shocked to find out the Chicken Caesar Salad has nearly twice the calories of the Black and Bleu Salad. I'll definitely be changing my future choices since it's close to my office.

Overall, an easy read. I'll probably refer occasionally back to her 10 steps for tips, so worth owning.

Kim's 10 steps:
1. Choose the diet that's right for you.
2. Set your goals.
3. Plan.
4. Make over your environment.
5. Gather your support.
6. Exercise.
7. Learn to eat light.
8. Learn to handle temptation.
9. Keep yourself motivated.
10. Make it for life.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

What a difference a pound makes - Sad reprise

So here I am, flushed with exercise, just from the shower where I have my daily weigh-in. All week, I've felt like I was dieting. I plannned my eating, logged every bite that passed my lips, checked in with this my diet buddy, gave myself credit for the good stuff and forgave myself for the bad stuff, and really really upped the activity. So imagine my surprise this morning to see the exact same number as on Sunday!  I thought I was peeing like a banshee this morning so I truly expected it to be down. (I believe that water is responsible for daily fluctuations and I know sometimes I'm losing fat but changing it to water and then the weight comes flooding off all at once.)

Here's my weekly weight fluctuation (from Sunday's base)
Sunday ...... 0.0
Monday.....-0.5
Tuesday.....-1.5
Wednesday-1.5
Thursday....-1.0
Friday  ......-0.5
Saturday ....0.0

So did I start adding water in the middle of the week?  The exercise was all week long, with none on Tues or Thursday. The most number of calories I ate was 1650, on Thursday. I should have burned more calories every day than I ate - including Thursday. So what's up?  My discouragement is almost like a physical blow. I am going to shake it off here, but I let me dwell in the feeling for just a moment.... OK. I'm back.

I can control my exercise and I can control my eating. I cannot control my weight.  Remind me of that constantly.  Exercise is everything, and I am exercising away.  Reward myself for those things I can control, not those I can't. Give myself credit, and believe there will be a payoff eventually.

Do I make changes? Swear off red meat? Go strictly Atkins and give up my single evening treat? What I should not do is swear to make changes that will be impossible to live up to.  I can control what I eat, but I am cooking for and eating with others. Don't make the standard so high that only superwoman could live up to it.  Let me explore menu choices I can share with the family, and up the vegetable component of my non-family meals.

The single best thing is to keep up the exercise. If I have to choose between Fat and Fit versus Thin and Weak, clearly I want the fit.  My reasons for doing this emphasize the choice - go back and look at them.  And add to the reasons with pointed, specific reasons:

  • I have a cruise in March to the Caribbean. I'm not sure my summer clothes will fit me. I want to look ok for the cruise (there will be photos) more importantly, I want to have a good time on the ship and shore excursions - I want to feel the energy to do these things.

  • I can see my kayak from where I sit.  I want to be able to really enjoy the kayak.  Strength and flexibility are critical to being able to get out there and have fun.

Focus on what I can control, and control it. I feel good from the exercise, and if I ignored what I eat, I would still feel good from the exercise.  But I'm going to plan what I eat, and start to plan out the week. I want to introduce one new meal to the family that will be good for me. (Shrimp based? or Chicken-based?)  Since I have the night off, buy fixings for breakfast and lunch choices make-aheads, and then MAKE THEM.

Time to get moving out of the house.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Is Sleep the Chicken or the Egg?

I already declared "exercise is everything" but sleep sure makes a big difference.  In theory, exercise will make you sleep better - but I have to say my personal experience rarely lives up to that. On the other hand this morning, I woke refreshed after a slug of a previous day, and I started with floor exercises and weights and suddenly found myself on the NT moving briskly - without really planning to! It was all a function of the good rest I had last night.

So I got to work a little early, well rested, and smug with exercise euphoria. My body has been feeling the good feeling of muscles being worked, and the good soreness that comes from a thorough workout. I know I like the feeling; I hope I can capture the feeling here and in my mind and use it to keep going.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I need an exercise PLAN

I'm thinking about a few minutes with weights and floor exercises.... but I'm not sure exactly what routine to do, which of the hundreds of moves I've learned are the ones I should pick this morning. Just one more little obstacle, especially first thing in the morning when I'm not thinking clearly.

I need an exercise plan or program, just as I have an eating plan. I have several books on exercise, many of them old. There doubtless are things available on the internet, and new books that have been published. So my next step is to devise a plan, either right from a book or one of my own - but write it down and have it to look at every day.  Very first step is simply to browse my own bookshelf full of exercise books.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

French Fries

I made some French Fries for dinner tonight. Not my idea- they were out and ready to be made when I showed up to cook. The last batch a couple of days ago in the oven were no good so I made them like Mom used to make-in the skillet with some vegetable oil. They got crispy, I salted them, and they were Good. I kept at them. Then I ate more steak. I was careening out of control... But then I stopped. A clementine, and then I was done. Not great, but not something to cringe about. I'm not uncomfortably full, and because I walked for over an hour at lunch I'm probably even negative net calories for the day.

Could have been worse.


- iPhone uPdate

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

One Pound makes a difference

What a relief!  After about a week of the scale reading the exact same thing, today at last it was down a pound. Amazing what a difference it makes - it energizes me, motivates me. I want to keep going.

I have been practicing the Beck skill set. I'm planning my eating for the whole day in advance.  I'm giving myself credit when I do the right thing (just decided to stick with the single chocolate square, not going for another even though its only 35 calories).  According to the on-line database I'm using, my calories per day have been quite low for the last five days I've been meticulous about recording. I'm measuring my actual portion sizes, and generous in estimating size when I can't measure.

But I'm struggling with finding the time for the exercise.  Tomorrow there is a big stuffy conference lunch and I think I'm going to take a walk instead. It's supposed to be nice out, and I'll wear some all purpose shoes. Not vigorous, but sustained for most of an hour. I need to plan to eat something then.  Or maybe not - maybe it'll be time for the not eating experiment.  But maybe not the experiment - the afternoon will be spent in a confined room with snacks brought in. I don't want to set myself up for failure.

I'm really disciplined, with other things going on around me. Let's see if it pays off.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Exercise is everything

Like this this news to anyone!  I love exercise! I love what it does for me in every way!  So why don't I actually do it more often?

Today was the first day in a long time I did vigorous exercise.  Wii is fun, and the games are challenging and engaging, but I haven't seen my heart rate go above 100, even on the so-called aerobic games.  Vigorous exercise, on the NordicTrak with the heart rate above 125, really is what it takes to get the exercise high going.  I did a minimal session - only 15 minutes - but now, 45 minutes later, I'm still feeling the good effects. I followed it up floor exercises and weights. I feel good from head to toe, and I feel my abs building themselves up in strength.

Exercise does more for my immediate physical state, my immediate mental state, and my self-esteem, than anything else I can do. So why don't I do it more often? I need to capture and remember and remind myself of this euphoria. Motivation can come from the personal connection to the feelings. I have been thinking about milder forms of exercise - walking and wii and dance dance revolution -and those are good, but my current state of mind motivates me to actually get it moving more, and more often.

But motivation also demands the practical arrangements to make it possible. Yesterday, I was focused on all I had to do. I felt pretty good about what I got done and how I engaged with the kids. But how would I have managed yesterday to work in some vigorous exercise?  There is no exercise equipment at the kids house. I would have had to carve out time from my house. But I so value my time to just sit, especially on weekend morning. I love the silence. Do I love this exercise high enough to erode that time?  I don't think that late at night is OK for the NT. It works for the wii - I did it last night for a half hour around 10 pm, and I definitely turned the light off an hour or so later than I would have otherwise. The NT would have an even bigger effect on falling asleep.

I continue to figure the most likely time to find in my day is the time after I am awake in the morning but before I get up. I doze for up to an hour from when the alarm first goes off. That can't be quality sleep time, and yet I so crave sleep. I'm going to start analyzing my patterns more and look for opportunities to work this in.  This is the conumdrum of my life.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It's the weekend... DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!!!

Here I am, 9:30 on Saturday, trying to plan out eating not just for the day but the week.  But oh, the competing priorities!  Chores, laundry, paperwork, bills, kids to care for, activities to plan... And I have to get to Whole Foods by 10 or there will be no room in the parking lot.  Drycleaning is close to that - have I got that sorted out? Or just blow it off for another week?

Shopping lists, driven by meal plans, modified by what is on sale - that sure would be organized of me. What do I need from Giant, Trader Joes, Whole Foods? Is a CostCo run in the cards or even necessary?  Instead, I'll go driven by the clock's remorseless movement forward, scrambling from one stop to the next. Have to get to Motor Vehicles before noon. Combine that with visit to my mother, stop at TJ's on the way back.

One load of laundry is cooking, I spend 20 minutes on the Wii, time to hit the road!  I have some vague meal plans in the head, cannot take the time right now to write them down. Maybe later.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Off course, out of mindfulness

I've not felt well the last two days - not sick, just not well. So the idea of discipline, of mindfulness of my eating, is way less appetizing. Not enough sleep is one of the big problems. Focused on other things is another issue. How can I keep the focus going and still manage the rest of my life?

One of the skills is simply to keep reading the relevant sections of this blog, to help keep the important focus front and center.  Better, proud, kids.  Remember why I want to do it.  Plan out the day, and don't just do a "what the hell" in the evening. Plan a better strategy for the evening - what is an alternative reward? What is a good distraction?

What was I thinking when I grabbed the chocolate when I got home? I already had a high calorie dessert of cheesecake at my conference dinner. In fact, when I was planning the day's eating, I had planned to cut the dessert in half. But, instead, I ate the whole serving - I simply forgot the plan in the moment. I was talking and thinking of other things.

Then, driving home, I decided to allow a piece of chocolate. Somehow, that turned into four or five. My thoughts seemed to be, "I feel crummy. I want this to feel better."  I ate it while reading, not consciously and deliberately. Helpful thoughts would have been, "I want to feel better. In the long run, that means not eating this now."  A better practice would have been to make myself sit at the dining room table and only eat while I ate my one piece. No unconscious munching while reading on the couch.

Today, at my corporate training event we learned something about motivations and influencing people (including ourselves). It seemed to fit nicely into what I am learning by doing this. There was a video about resisting eating marshmallows, the point of which is "will" can be taught - resistance techniques were taught to four-year-olds!  Other elements include personal motivations to awaken from "moral slumber" (not moral turpitude), and creating a social norm for the desired behavior (hence the need for the diet buddy).  The bottom of the motivational hierarchy was incentives (rewards and punishments) - only after personal and social motivations do incentives come into play.

This weekend I'll plan ahead for the coming week. I'll put a lot of energy into planning a week's worth of meals in advance. I'll also make a goal of time on the NordicTrak. I should be able to accumulate a half hour over the course of the weekend.

CREDIT:  I didn't blow off everything today. I took a walk at lunch. I ate a salad for lunch. And I'm checking in with my DIY Diet Buddy.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Credit Jan 5

I ate my planned meals today.
I took a small walk at lunch.
I ate sitting down and not too fast.
I recorded all my food.


- iPhone uPdate

Experiment #1- what does hunger feel like?

Whenever I feel like eating, analyze the feeling.

11:20. Want to eat. Hunger in stomach. Stomach growling slughtly Drinking water instead as I go to meeting.

12:45. Ate my prepared lunch, not too fast.

4:00. Ate cheese snack. Sort of hungry, definitely restless.

7:20. After supper. Full but not uncomfortable.

9:50. Want to eat. Stomach full. Not hungry. Go for hot tea.



- iPhone uPdate

Monday, January 4, 2010

Invincibility is an illusion

I was feeling invulnerable today, and invincible. I could do anything. I was in command of my fate. I was in command of my stomach.  I was going to do whatever it took.

I felt like telling everybody, "It's a new year! It's a new me!".  I remembered what has happened in the past, but that was then, this is now.  I was surprised they couldn't see the difference just by looking at me.

Suddenly, after supper, I was sucker punched, metaphorically.  Suddenly, I hurt everywhere. I was so tired I could scarcely stand up. Quickly, I bid farewell to the fams and headed home to my sanctuary, where I gulped some tylenol and am sipping camomile tea while reflecting on what changed and why.

Perhaps it is a reaction to dinner? Was there something there that could trigger these feelings - a food allergy? Not particularly "diet" - bratwurst, tortellini, and ragu with parmesan. Do I have a problem with wheat? Am I coming down with the swine flu? Is it a body reaction to a sullen child making demands? Or is it just the after a carb meal lethargy?  For years, our friends giggled about the "Shellabarger flop" that always followed a heavy meal.

Who knows. I feel slightly better now - time or the tylenol kicking in. Very discouraging to have the momentum knocked out on January 4th.

Credit today

I ate my planned breakfast.
I ate my planned lunch--and remembered to slow down and savor it.
I took a short walk around the building.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Slow down, you eat too fast

To the tune of Simon and Garfunkle's timeless hit, and plagarized from an anecdote in Beck's book:

Slow down, you eat too fast.
You've got to make the moment last.
Just sitting down, look at the food.
Tasting it all, and feeling groovy!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Eighteen Years

My body has been a battleground since high school. Here is a map of the last eighteen years of this war.


Every stage was hard fought - except for the giant drop off the cliff ten years ago. It was easy, at least in retrospect. I did not write at that time, and I have no details about how or why it worked, only a few fragmentary clues, misty in time, but captured in the numbers. 

I was on the NordicTrak every single morning at 5:30 am. I was late to work rather than miss my time there. I had the heart rate monitor as well as the numbers on the NT. I recorded the exercise every day.

I did not write down what I ate. It was "carbohydrates addict's diet", sort of. They have several versions. But I remember making food, carefully shopping and planning and bringing the lunch to work.

More than a year without a significant plateau. How did it happen?

Credit - such an alien concept!

A fundamental part of the approach is to give oneself credit for every little positive step that is made.  It's hard to think such trivial things deserve recognition, but I'm not asked to give them rewards, just recognition.  I may be able to do it - without giving myself so many "good job!"s that they lose all meaning.

So a couple of credit-worthy things I did today:

- played Wii balance games in the morning
- played DDR with C. in the afternoon
- drinking hot tea now, when there is good chocolate in the cabinet.

And of course, started this blog.

Distractions box

Another specific technique is when hit with a craving, a food obsession, when the pie is calling and the pillow over the head is not enough to drown it out, have a list of distractions ready to go in a card box at your side.  Here is the first such list - which because this blog is searchable, I don't need to put into a box.

Wii balance games
Check facebook
Check entertainment blogs
Read response cards
Take a walk
Make hot tea

Rewards

One of the specific techniques in the Beck approach is to make up a list of (non-food) rewards to use when you have hit a specific milestone - a five-pound mark, for example.  Since mostly I deny myself nothing, it was hard to think of rewards that I wouldn't just go get on my own anyway.  But here is the beginning of my list:

Books
Clothes

If I get to a significant milestone, I'll get myself a leather jacket for the Vespa.

The blog is my diet buddy

I got motivated today - in the hair salon - to start this blog because of the book I'm reading. I have a whole bookcase full of books about diet and exercise, and generally when I want to start a new diet I start with a trip to the bookstore.  The book I'm reading now I actually bought a year ago, but I lost a whole year while gaining 20 pounds last year. Maybe at some point I'll blog about that, but for now let's just say I had a lot going on in my life. My relationship with food hit new lows in the past year.

But now, I'm reading The Complete Beck Diet for Life, by Judith S. Beck.  It's based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy techniques, which I generally believe can be effective. I've read another book by the same author, The Beck Diet Solution, and it was helpful in general.  Key to the approach is to talk yourself happy. She has specific steps and lists and approaches to use to do this, involving 3x5 cards. I need to go higher tech.

One of the specific instructions is to get a diet buddy. I've never been able to do that. My previous weight loss success was largely a solitary venture. But I get the notion, so I've decided to use the blog as my buddy. Maybe someday I'll open the blog to others - try to call attention to it - solicit comments.  But right now, I'm just using the technology to help me organize my thoughts. And I'm writing as if for an audience. I have some specific people in mind that I might want to have read this some day.

Reasons why I want to lose weight

My reasons fall into three main areas:

Better
Everything will be better if I do.

Proud
It will repair my self esteem.

Kids
I want to be a role model, and more.

Here is more of the explanation of why I want to lose weight:

I will feel better in every way.
Clothes will fit better.
I'll look better to others and myself.
I won't be queasy in bed at night.
People who meet me will be nicer to me.
I might be able to avoid knee surgery.

I'll be proud of myself for doing it.
I will renew my self respect.
I won't go to bed cursing myself for my weakness.

Kids - I can be a better role model.
They won't be ashamed of me.
I'll be able to do things with them.
They are more likely to have a healthy relationship with food if I do.

Will it be motivating?

Trying to blog about my eating and exercise - will it be motivating? Can I do it from multiple locations? Can I do it from the iPhone? What is next?