Thursday, December 31, 2020

2020 Wrapup: Books

 I've been challenged to name my best book of 2020. I had already been working on this post, recapping what I read, and so I'm going to work it in here. But you have to read to the bottom.

It was a very wordy year! I read in the neighborhood of 171 books - that is an awful lot. Or a wonderful lot, I guess. The library was an incredible lifeline to me. A rough count shows about 80% of these I got from the library. It is so easy, when I see something I want, to just click over and check if the library has it. Then a couple more clicks, and it's either borrowed or on hold. As I have a tendency to really like to read a whole series by an author, this works well. In my experience, the library is likely to have either everything or nothing from a given series. And the kindle is my preferred format for books that are primarily text. I only prefer hard copies when they are gorgeous big books, like gardening or cooking books.

Also, about a third of my books this year were listened to. I have had an Audible subscription for years, and had settled on mostly non-fiction, or literary or challenging fiction, as my preferred listening books. I read about three times faster than a typical read-out-loud pace, and I found certain types of books actually benefit from my having to slow down and take in every single word. Until this year, I never sat still to listen - I'd put on the headset for a walk or to do chores, inside or out. And a problem with listening to more exciting easy fiction is that typically, you stop listening when time for the chore or walk has run out. That's not always convenient of our hero is left hanging on a cliff. But this year, I learned sometimes the recorded form of popular books was much more available from the library than the ebook version. So I started listening to mystery and science fiction books and sometimes, in the evening with all but bedtime chores done, I would even sit down in the living room to listen, in preference to TV or visually reading. I couldn't just sit there, however, so I do some idle easy games on the ipad, or color in ipad coloring books (using the apple pencil), or, I just started this week, do jigsaw puzzles on the ipad, while listening through a speaker in the living room. Something occupying a corner of my brain while I also follow the story.

Because I log my books in Goodreads, I was able to export them into a spreadsheet, which allowed me to summarize and categorize them. The list isn't perfect, but me being me, I had to make a chart! So here is a visual summary, by genre:

The blue books are non-fiction - I only read 13 of those. They were gardening and natural history, and civics (my term for items of topical or political or social import) and history. Self-improvement and sailing each popped up with just a couple.

The brown ones are fiction, and you can see the big enchiladas labeled clearly. I went big time for escapism, and many of these were series. The smaller slices represent (in descending order) plain novels (no other category), romance ( a new escapist genre for me), young adult novels, historical novels, and spy novels. 

So, what were the best books?  So hard to pick, and January seems so very long ago! I found as I became voracious, I also became a harsher critic. It takes something special to earn four stars from me, and only the very very best get five (unless it's written by a friend of mine, in which case it automatically gets the five to boost it).

One individual novel stuck with me, read back in January: When We Were Vikings, by Andrew MacDonald. I think it was a debut. It's narrator is a damaged young woman, born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and further abused, and living a precarious and dangerous life. But it's uplifting! She chooses to live her life like a Viking, and it's wonderful.

The best non-fiction book I read was How to be an Anti-Racist, by Ibram X. Kendi. I listened to it, because it falls into the type that needs slowing down. Kendi reads it himself, and it changed my thinking almost from the first page. Well worth it.

Far and away the best series is Louise Penny's Inspector Gamache series, beginning with Still Life. He is head of homicide for the Surete de Quebec and the characters, the plots, and the settings are all terrific. I listened to them all, the whole sixteen of them. Some I liked better than others, but the worst was still good. After a while, the characters seem like friends, the same way you can feel when binge-watching a TV series. It would be good to read in order, as people evolve and change. (I went with what I could get quickly from the library, and sometimes found myself saying "oh that's why he is like that".)

And, for those who stuck with me this far, a bit of fluff and sugar for you: One to Watch, by Kate Stayman-London. A feminist plus-sized contestant on a Bachelor-type show. Goes down easy!


Tuesday, December 29, 2020

2020 Wrap-up: Movies

 My primary form of entertainment has always been books, but of course I like movies. I've associated with film buffs over the years, and so my viewing history is broader than it would be if left on my own. I have, however, formed opinions on which genres I like and don't like, and it takes some urging to get me to see one out of my wonderbread comfort zone. Horror movies, not so much, though actually reading a spoiler-laden synopsis before seeing is helpful.

In January and February I saw some movies in theaters with friends. According to my credit cards, I paid for movies out four times in those months, but I'm fuzzy on what I saw (and what I may have seen in December of last year). As always, I made an effort to watch Oscar-nominated movies early on. When the lockdown started, I decided to focus on movies I always wanted to see, not necessarily the most current. And since I pay for many streaming services, I watched a lot that didn't require extra payment - skewing towards movies at least a couple of years old. Partway through the year, I googled "goodreads for movies" and came up with the app Letterboxd, which allows the keeping of a watchlist and also recording and rating movies you have seen. There is a social component to it, but no-one I know IRL is using the app that I'm aware of, so right now it's just a private record.

So here is at least a partial record of movies I saw this year, with a couple notes along the way.

  • Parasite - good to have seen it once to understand
  • Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - I'm a fan
  • Jojo Rabbit - I liked it, folks I know hated it
  • 1917 - a nice war story, with the predictable only female person a madonna figure in the rubble
  • Red Tails - good story, if predictable by following a classic war movie line,  about the famed (to me) black fighter pilots in Italy during WWII. If you don't know the story, it may be less predictable, and it's an important story to get out there.
  • Little Women - wonderful
  • Ford v Ferrari - liked it better than I expected
  • Marriage Story - really sweet
  • Emma - I had noted this as one to watch in the theater. It was one of the first scheduled theatrical releases sent to the the small screen after the lockdown. I even re-read the actual book (which I owned) before renting it. It was very well done.
  • His Girl Friday - a club I belong to was watching this before a zoom discussion. It is a classic screwball comedy with snappy dialogue. It does not hold up - the casual sexism, racism, and mean spirits overshadowed any remaining screwball charm and romance.
  • C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America - An alternate history, done as a BBC documentary of the repressive and reclusive CSA in modern times. Scary and impactful, also funny at points.
  • Hamilton - "how does a ...."  Gives me goosebumps. Maybe I'll watch it again soon.
  • A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - Restorative to the spirits.
  • Battle of the Sexes - It provided more social and historical context than I expected. I liked it a lot.
  • Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga - Part of my Iceland phase. It's amusing.
  • Star Wars - I rewatched the original six, since I had Disney. I'll probably watch the last three again. There are more minor threads that re-occur and even pop up on the Mandalorian. 
  • Radioactive - Marie Curie. Really interesting, worth it.
  • The Princess Diaries - Sometimes you just need an easy to chew fantasy, kind of like oatmeal with cream and sugar
  • How to Train Your Dragon - See "Princess Diaries".
  • Maleficient and Mistress of Evil - catching up on my little nieces' crush.
  • Coco - perfect for Halloween
  • Little - a re-take on Big, pleasant fluff
  • Enola Holmes - I was insulted at its poor quality. Apparently there are a series of children's books that are very amusing, but not having read them I found the movie boring, predictable, and not even slightly plausible. Think taking a bite expecting cream and sugar, and getting skim milk with splenda.
  • Contagion - told by friends it was worth it, I finally watched in September. So we knew everything we needed to know, if only we had paid attention.
  • Under the Tuscan Sun - comfort food.
  • The Trial of the Chicago 7 - with Aaron Sorkin of West Wing fame on board, very enjoyable and very understandable. 
  • Ocean's Eleven - I do like a good caper movie. I will watch more (I saw the "female" one (Ocean's Eight) first).
  • The Glorias - Gloria Steinem is having a moment. This is a bit weird but good.
  • The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming! - possibly the best movie of all time, I watched it while hiding in my bunker on election night. It holds up nicely.
  • On the Basis of Sex - had to see it - so good!
  • Captain America - thinking I might want to see this set of superheroes, I haven't seen any of them before
  • The Hustle - a disappointing caper movie. It's a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine, and was infinitely better.
  • Bombshell - I liked it, but was struck by how the "I'm not a feminist" thing was such a thing. Also, just to keep us from getting too sympathetic with the erstwhile victims, we heard them in the studio discussing emphatically how Santa had to be white because Jesus was white. Huh.
  • Happiest Season - this year's LGBTQ breakthrough holiday movie. Fun.
  • 7500 - a German-made hijacking movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Not earth-shattering, but 80 minutes of non-stop adrenaline in a 90 minute movie.
  • Wonder Woman - we re-watched on Christmas with a plan to see the new one on New Years.

What's up next for me? I've found I like having the lights and noise coming into my house on gloomy days or early evenings, and I've marked 65 more movies on my watchlist, so there is a lot to see!

Thursday, December 24, 2020

Right Sized Christmas

I know many many people are feeling sad and cut off this Christmas. The situation of our country and even the world sucks. But for me, this Christmas is feeling cozy and comforting. I have a small immediate family, almost no extended family, and not a big social circle. We all got tested Monday, and have been mostly quarantining before and since (except for necessary errands). So actually, while I'm missing some friends and feel keenly for those more isolated than me, this Christmas will be similar to the last couple of years and feels just right. Or very nearly so. It'll be fine.

Christmases of my childhood, youth, and younger adulthood were always with my small family. We moved quite a bit when I was a child, so socially we saw a bit of friends at the holidays, but mostly were turned to each other. From high school until 2006, my parents lived in the same house in the same tiny town, so rituals of Christmas Eve cookies at our friends' house, with always the same other families, followed by late night carol service at the church where my parents were pillars, were welcome additions to our family rituals. While we decorated and celebrated at our own places, my brother and sister and I almost always managed to be there in Bellport for at least Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When my sister had kids, she and the whole family, sometimes including parts of her husbands large extended family, would come up as well (I think we peaked at 12 people one year). Even as the kids grew anxious about Santa being able to find them away from home, we went there until my mother sold the house and moved down near us. We had a couple of years to establish new rituals, Christmas Eve at my house and Christmas morning (finally!) at her house, with stockings hung by the chimney with care and a big pile of presents.

 

At age 58, I was suddenly and traumatically thrust into parenthood for my sister's three children, in close partnership with their father. For the first time in my life, I was responsible for feeding not just me, but a whole traumatized family every single day. That first Christmas we were all totally shell-shocked, and my recently married brother and sister-in-law came up with the brilliant idea to go to Topsail Beach in North Carolina for the holidays, along with her three adult children. The place was one of happy summer memories, and we were physically removed from where we had Christmas memories from the past. Still, I remember that time with the kids and their father following through what my sister-in-law and I put together by rote, willing to try but basically robots. 

My sister was the social party animal in the family, and I was bound and determined to live up to her standards with the kids. So for subsequent Chistmases, my brother-in-law bought a tree and got it to stand upright in the living room, and I was responsible for absolutely everything else. One year, every single present under the tree was bought and wrapped by me - I even wrapped something for myself. (It's true, my mother didn't get anything at all for the kids or me, though I used some of her money and put "from Grandma" on some tags). With intense jealousy between the kids, I did a spreadsheet of what I'd gotten each one, striving for balance. One year, on Christmas Eve the kids' father bought the youngest an expensive toy, destroying the balance and sparking complaints and subsequent fights when all the presents were opened. Oh well. He was so happy to do it, and it was meant with love. As the kids grew older, the two younger had dark depressive periods where they didn't lift a finger to help decorate, while the oldest physically and mentally separated himself from the others. Christmas was a chore, not a joy. But I kept it going.

I had had an epiphany one night, cursing under my breath as I sorted silverware in the drawer, putting salad forks into a separate slot from the larger dinner forks. Suddenly, I thought, "if they don't care, why should I bother? Does this even mattter?" With that realization, I let go of it, upended the silverware bin from the just finished dishwasher into the drawer all higgledy-piggedly,  and I walked away from it. This wasn't anger, but acceptance.  I didn't allow things to devolve into complete chaos, and nobody went hungry or got sick from the relaxed hygiene standards, (though one year what my girl wanted for Christmas was forks because they had all disappeared) but things were more relaxed. Instead of living up to some unachievable past ideal, we started to make our own way, together.

Still, for Christmas, I tried to keep things moving. It was such a challenge when I was working! I had to juggle holiday leave with my co-workers and subordinates. When the kids were in school, like all parents I prioritized the week between Christmas and New Year's as the time to be together, but I always took some time before hand to get things ready. I focused on food over decorating, but shopping required many separate trips. We have a tradition now of fancy dinner Christmas Eve at my house, present opening Christmas morning at the kids' (really their dad's) house, and after-nap second fancy dinner back at my house. Each of those meals has some elements that have to be present, others that can change. I recall one year, not that long ago, I had a large chart hand drawn on the whiteboard, with an elaborate project plan and countdown to the big day. For example, if I buy the Christmas roast early, I have to freeze it, and remember to take it out of the freezer and put in the fridge a couple of days ahead.

I had a huge internal celebration several years ago when my big boy took over making the traditional Norwegian Christmas bread my mother used to make. (I had the Julekage mantle for only one year.) This year, the kids have taken over Christmas day dinner, which will be at their dad's house, and we've added to our mix a live-in girlfriend. I'm quite relaxed about my continuing responsibilities for Christmas Eve and morning. It'll be fine. For the first time in some years, my girl and I made cookies. She helped me decorate my house, and is in charge and bossing her father at her house. It'll be fine. I got a new little tree, and so can use more of my ornaments than in recent years. It'll all be fine. Presents are bought. I made festive cloth bags a few years ago, so wrapping is way quicker and wastes way less paper than in previous years. And, it turns out, they all want gifts, but they really don't want much. They want to be together and enact some rituals. It'll be fine. It'll be more than fine.  I really like Christmas, and this song captures the feelings just right.



Monday, December 14, 2020

Family Archives

My mother in high school
I am the family archivist. This comes to me naturally. I was the family photographer, starting in the 1980s. I physically inherited boxes of documents and photos from my father and my mother. I had a brief engagement with family genealogy in the 1990s, and have some partial family trees from that era. I missed an opportunity to review old family photos with my mother, and so a lot of that knowledge is lost forever. Who are these old people in these stiff and faded photos? I just remember old Hester Anne, with her clay pipe, born in 1830. But where on the family tree is she?

I'm paying for a storage unit, where I put some furniture and many boxes after my mother died. I finally decided I needed to make a start on the boxes. I stopped by, and brought a few home and tossed them in the spare room. But before I tackled them, I though I spend a few minutes on the stuff already at my house.

My father in 1952,
when he got his PhD
I was quickly overwhelmed. There is simply too much, it's too diverse, I couldn't decide how to handle it. My initial thought had been to sort and scan as I went, tossing some things outright, others after a scan, and saving few physical items. Though my desktop scanner is of decent quality, it is very slow, and I realized Plan A was simply not going to work. So I stepped back, and spent some time thinking and researching how to organize the project. I didn't want to get too far into it before having to re-do everything I'd already done.

I'm a natural librarian, and I have professional librarian friends. I also have friends in similar situations wanting to tackle similar projects. So I got some sage advice, from physically how to handle the materials to digitally how to set up a filing system. One of the main points is to do a physical sort first, without engaging with any of the materials in depth. Sorting by family branch / family member, and/or by year, seem to be the leading alternatives. And, toss stuff in this first sort. Be realistic. My parents traveled a lot, but does anyone need pictures they took of European buildings, with no recognizable people? Of course not. Keep a trash bag nearby.

It's hard to stick to the guideline of "don't engage" when dealing with documents (as opposed to photos). I have to review them enough to know what I'm looking at. And then it can be hard not to get sucked in. For example, I found a stack of sympathy cards I had received after my sister died. My memories of that time are extremely hazy. I sat down and looked at all the cards, and put them into an archival envelope to keep. They won't be scanned, but maybe I'll look at them again in a few years.

At that point, I realized why the advice is not to engage with the material as you move through it. I was a little bit comforted and also a little bit blue after going through those little bits of thoughtfulness that had come at my most bleak time ever. I needed another break before getting back to it.

So today, with two inches of rain forecast, I dove back in. There was necessarily some spool-up time, as I needed to remind myself how I was doing the physical sort. I know I've decided many photos need to be scanned by a service as doing it myself isn't physically possible. But each service has its rules for how to sort and label batches, so for the time being I'm just grouping by rough family group and date. So all of those will need to be handled again, when I review detailed instructions from a scanning service. Documents can also follow the same rough sort, with another distinction between records (diplomas, birth certificates) and more personal stuff. Probably, documents that get scanned will be scanned by me.

Hester Anne. Note clay pipe.
One of the girls is probably my grandmother
I pulled out a bag - roughly a plastic grocery bag sized bag, and dove in. As it turned out, this bag held stuff from my father's mother, Haila Yvonne Miller Shellabarger. It appears she saved every letter or photograph my father ever sent her. The big surprise - and a treasure trove - is that he wrote to her a lot.  In 1957, the year my family first lived in London, he typed out a tissue-thin blue air letter nearly every week to her. Mundane doings of our young naive American family having an adventure abroad. But there are letters before and after that time as well - somewhere between 50 and 100 in total, I guess. So I sorted out the letters by year, and put them in envelopes for dealing with later. I'm really looking forward to working my way through them. But for now, they are all in a box labelled "Shellabarger - to be scanned."

Most of the photographs are copies my parents sent them. Everything peters out in the mid-1960s. Did long distance become affordable then? Or maybe, more recent things are in another box!

So I packed everything up again, and I'll do more sorting and organizing when next it rains or snows - that will be Wednesday, most likely!

Thursday, December 10, 2020

New Buddy!


Meet Bixby, newest family member!

I had been going back and forth on whether to add a dog to my household. Rocky is old and failing. He is my guy, and I love him. But I wanted a more portable and vigorous dog, to come with me on my adventures. A dog that could hike and sail and maybe even kayak. But one that would fit with Rocky, not replace him.


All three of my dogs in my adult life have been from shelters and rescues. Rosie, sweet and sad, from Chicago Humane Society. Abbey, fierce and funny, from Washington Animal Rescue League. And Rocky, The Very Hungry Labrador, from Lab Rescue. I seriously considered going to a breeder this time, because each of these dogs had issues and I wanted an easy dog. One who could come with me places, that didn't require reorganizing my house and worrying about visitors. But late night browsing on Pet Finder (perhaps inspired a bit by friends and family members who have recently acquired cats) made me want to go ahead now.

I heard about a local small rescue that brings up a half-dozen or so dogs a month from Puerto Rico. I browsed their website, and they seemed to have mostly smaller dogs that would fit my criteria. While they had interesting dogs on their website, I went ahead and filled out a general application and paid the $15 fee. The very next morning I got a reply, and had a conversation with Moira, the one-woman show. She got what I was looking for. Just a few days later, she suggested this tiny but beautiful dog, two years old, an owner surrender instead of a street dog. She brought him by the next afternoon (we met in my fenced yard, masked up) and I decided to go for it. She had a spare crate in the car (I didn't buy anything in advance, wanted the right sizes) and just left him with me! Suddenly, I had a new member of the family, just like that!


So three days in, we're settling down. He is not fully house-trained yet, so I have to be hyper-vigilant about taking him outside. And it's been cold, and he is really not used to it (and smaller dogs have a worse time in the cold anyway). He's great on the leash, but even with a coat he starts shivering after a block. It'll warm up some this week, and I hope to venture further. 

Rocky ignores him, but is asking for extra pets, and of course he is hyper-aware of treats going in another direction. Later today we're going to introduce Bixby to Sadie, my girl's fierce little dog. They are roughly the same size, and Sadie and Rocky ignore each other. I'm hoping Sadie and Bixby will be friends, because they both could use a place to work off some energy. 

So the adventure continues!

Monday, November 23, 2020

Mask Crafts

I've spent quite a bit of time on designing and sewing masks. I've been through several different designs, surfed around on the 'net, watched a bunch of youtube videos, ventured onto pinterest.

The first masks I made back in April were being done when supplies were not widely available, and a general call came out from some hospitals asking for masks. I ransacked my house. I hauled out my old sewing machine (bought in 1981) and I found some elastic and threads. I had some bits and pieces of fabrics from projects planned and never done. I also looked in my clothes closet and linen closet, finding cotton clothes and old pillow cases that could go into masks.A very basic rectangular design, with two layers of cotton, 2-3 folds and ear loops were the basic starting point. The first one took a few hours, subsequent ones came more quickly. I supplied three each to my local family members. 

Too matchy-matchy?
But an excellent all-day fit
Then I started wearing the masks. More and more evidence indicated they were a good thing, with more suggestions on the best materials. I realized the masks I had made first had some flaws. As a wearer of glasses, often during masked walks my glasses were steamy. I had a few occasions when I had to wear the mask along with my hearing aids, and ear loops were no good. I noted comments on TLo about how one should up their mask game for fashion purposes. I also found I liked sewing them. Making the masks became a creative outlet, requiring engineering skills and allowing some artistic license. 

I bought a new sewing machine (after forty years, what the heck). I have serious sewing friends who have very expensive machines, but when I went online I found new, apparently adequate, machines from brands I never heard of for even less than $100. The top-rated one at Wirecutter was sold out everywhere (hello, apocalypse thinking), but I got an "also good" Singer heavy duty. It doesn't squeal when the wheels go round, but otherwise seems the equivalent of my old machine.

White hair and black mask
But a good fit

So here are attributes of a well-designed mask: the fit from the bridge of your nose to under your chin is important. (My family varies from 4.75" to 5.75" in that measurement.) It is helpful, especially for glasses, to have a shaper over the nose, bending the mask to follow the face's contour. I worked with some pipe cleaners I had in the house, but then bought purpose-made metal strips on-line. It's important to have fabric layers as padding under the metal strips. It's good to have some space between your mouth and the mask, which requires some structure to be built in (the rectangular masks do not do that well). If the side of the mask is done as a sheath, the ties or elastic aren't sewn in but instead threaded - they can be replaced easily - and so a mask can convert from ear loops to behind your head fastenings. Two layers is good, and the inner layer should be soft. Three layers is better, but you don't want a big bump of fabric seams piling up on top of your nose, especially if you wear glasses. Cotton is universal, but a silk lining helps with comfort, facilitating breathing while still efficiently trapping particles (and adding warmth when outdoors). A lazy, quick mask can be made out of tshirts by just cutting ear loops right into the mask itself.

So now I pick up pieces of fabric, stack them double or triple, and first look at a light bulb through the stack. If I can see the outline clearly, it's a no-go. Then, I hold the stack over my nose and mouth and try nose breathing through it. If that works, I'm in business! I'm venturing into new pieces of fabric, aiming at fashion now that I have the basics of structural design down. I have a feeling we'll be wearing them for a while now.

Monday, November 9, 2020

Enough About the World. What About ME?

One way I've been coping with our crazy world is by turning ever more inward. Here is an update on some of the things I track, adding September and October since the last time I reported.

These measure how active I am. (More green is better.) Generally I'm trending upward, though I managed to do an insane amount of walking in July and am not likely to match that. I do have some very low days, and days when I feel like moving but manage to sit down until the urge passes. Everything except intentional miles walked is lower than last year, and I want to try to reverse that. I foolishly do not use my home gym very often, and I'm feeling the effects of not doing strength exercises. Also, I'm not biking or running but I'm leaving the rows in because I might.

Weight is one area where I'm doing better than last year, though not stellar. Not only have I avoided the Covid 15, but I'm slightly down, and tracking pretty often.


My mind and body are doing ok. A highlight is that migraine hours are down. Meditation is up, driven by the anxiety I felt over the state of the world. My sleep typically is least during the light months of the summer, and is slowly increasing as it is getting dark.

 

 My distraction and entertainment continue. I'm reading a lot of books, and listening to them too. I'm not much downtown, but have kept a steady set of sailing dates.

 

 Money is generally going ok. I still think I spend a ridiculous amount on food, but it's getting a bit better. At least I've stopped buying clothes that I have no place to wear. (Not shown: the money I spent on lap blankets and throws so I can huddle up and stay warm while wearing my jammies all day.)



 

Sunday, November 8, 2020

Relief

The Wall - the WH is through the fence
What a roller coaster this past week has been! It feels like the longest week of the year. But at least it's over.

I try to ration my news, and isolate myself from useless nattering. So I didn't pay very much attention to updates during the day on Tuesday - I checked to see if there were reports of widespread election violence (there weren't) and aside from that, I knew there would be no actual election outcomes until later. So I had my quiet day in the lovely weather. After supper, I went down into the basement and sewed, while watching my absolute favorite movie of all time: The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming! It has stood the test of time, still the best ever.

I checked the NY Times and Wash Post websites just before bed. Nothing clear, as expected. My staying up would do nothing to change anything, so night night.

I had set up the coffee pot for the morning, so I got up at my normal 6:30 on Wednesday morning, poured the first cup, and sat down with the ipad. I was horrified. Until I read the headlines, I hadn't realized how much I had allowed myself to buy into the Blue Wave. Things were looking bad - the Post actually forecasting a Trump win, the Times more neutral. Down ballot losses everywhere. An incredibly powerful Facebook live post from a Black episcopal priest I know was full of despair and anger. Even if Biden manages to eke it out, he said, this is the nation we live in. Nearly half of all voters are stupid racists, or else think being a stupid racist is not disqualifying.  I curled into a ball and panicked.

I've discovered spending a few minutes catastrophising a situation is actually helpful to me. I contemplate a worst case scenario, and play it out in my head. So I allowed myself to go there. What does this mean for me and my family and friends? Me, I'll be mostly fine. My family and friends, not so much. For the country, for our institutions, for life as I have known it, a disaster. Having spent just a few minutes there, I put it away for a while.

Black Lives Matter Plaza - my first visit

Compartmentalizing. Shrugging things off until they can't be ignored. I can do that. So I put myself on a schedule of no more often than every two hours to check in on the news. I spent time outside, gardening, but couldn't really get into any projects of any depth. I kept moving, though, not able to settle down into a book or anything else.

Thursday and Friday continued in a similar pattern, but my anxiety about the worst case eased. It seemed it would be a matter of time before it would be widely acknowledged that Biden had a solid enough lead. The weather remained remarkably fine, and I spent a great deal of time outside.

So the news came Saturday, from a text from my friend while I was eating lunch: Clanging pots and bowls in the yard! Knowing what it must mean, I grabbed the ipad and poked the Post and then the Times. Then I pushed my food away and put down my head on the table and wept. Really. Big wracking sobs. Enough to worry the dog, who painfully arose to come over and check on me.

But the feeling is relief, not joy. Relief at dodging the worst case scenario. Immense pleasure at seeing the glass ceiling break for our Vice President. But we squeeked by. I was never a fan of Joe Biden (though he struck a lovely note at his address last night). Going back to the way things used to be is unacceptable. We have to move forward, but we are a nation divided, and not all the haters are old and about to die though they sure are doing their best to put themselves and everyone else in harm's way.


I have a horror of crowds, and so avoid most demonstrations. There are times when my body on the line might make a difference, but for me the barrier is pretty high. So my celebration was at daybreak today, down at the White House. Relief at putting the worst behind us, and more work to do.

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Fall, On Balance

The past couple of days have helped crystallize for me what I dislike about Fall, as a season. I've got two major dislikes. One is obviously the dark - we changed time yesterday, but that doesn't affect the actual day length, which is shorter and shorter. But, getting dark earlier by the clock feels like the days are suddenly much shorter. And dark, cloudy, days with no blue sky feel like they are more likely. (I don't know the truth of that last sentence, for here in the mid-Atlantic. I do know that very little sunshine in the fall or early winter is absolutely true for the upper midwest where I lived for a long time.)

The second big annoyance is, perhaps surprisingly, not the cold per se. It is the separation between inside and outside that the cold brings that is much more of a problem for me. 

So ok, of course I dislike being cold. I dislike it a lot. But I have invested in really good cold weather clothes. I had all my heating ducts in the house re-routed two years ago (as part of the basement reno) to make my forced-air heat much more effective. I don't actually need to feel cold, at all. But it takes work to stay warm!

In the summer, I have literally rolled out of bed, slipped on a pair of flip flops, leashed the dog and gone around the block in the shorts and tee I slept in. Almost always some of the first cup of coffee are drunk on the patio, staring down into the foliage above the park. I leave windows wide open as much as possible, minimizing my use of air conditioning. I'm in and out all day, as likely to sit and read (or blog) while outside as in. 

This very blustery but sunny morning, I had to prep to get the dog around the block. I had to think what to wear - am I going to be outside long enough in cold enough weather to need my lined pants? How many layers of tops do I need? Socks, shoes, which ones? Where is my hat? Where are my gloves? My yard is fenced, so the dog can just go out, except he is partially blind and he needs me to light up the yard for him at night, which means my being out there with him. (He runs into things and can't find his way back to the door without help.)  It's a barrier to getting to enjoy the outside. Once I was out this morning it was terrific - the gale force winds are exhilarating, the foliage is so nice - but there was a real break between inside and out. 

I don't want to focus on the negatives, however. I could find more to complain about this season (bad memories, among them) but I'm trying hard not to go there. While Spring is totally my favorite season, with the above two factors (light and access to the outdoors) steadily increasing the whole time, here follow many positive attributes that make me like Fall.

The Light. Yes, there is less of it, overall, but the colors! The brilliance! The foggy wisps revealing bits of foliage!

Sunshine in my yard and house. My yard is very shady, but as the leaves go, the direct sun increases. Add to that the lower angle of the sun and it penetrates inside my house very efficiently.

Hygge. To me, that mostly translates to a fire and a good drink before it.

Brassicas and other seasonal foods. I love me some brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and cabbage. This is the season! Brussels, bacon, apples, onions, and sweet potato sauteed together - is there anything finer?

Holidays. I’m not such a fan of Halloween, but Columbus Day and Veterans Day were great breaks from work. We’ve got three birthdays in November, and of course, the very best holiday ever: Thanksgiving. And prepping for Christmas. All good things. I’m more likely to see my adult kids around for few days.

Happiness is at least partly a choice, I’ve learned, and I’m trying my best. 

Sunday, November 1, 2020

Jury Duty

Imagine my surprise a few weeks ago to receive a jury summons in the mail! What? Really? Fresh in my memory was the experience of a New Jersey-based journalist of my (virtual) acquaintance who was summoned in the very early days of quarantine. He tweeted photos of the crowded conditions - and remember this is before we knew to mask. The very next day, as I recall, his location suspended jury trials.

It turns out my county decided to resume jury trials in October. They probably made that decision before all the county-level indicators started ticking up later in the fall. At any rate, they are pressing on, though slowly and cautiously.  Is it cautiously enough? 

I believe firmly that trial by jury is part of what makes America great. I've been called to jury duty half a dozen times, and actually served three times back when I lived in Chicago. The mere fact that I show up without an attitude to get out of it probably has a lot to do with my history of getting seated. Frankly, I've never understood that attitude. Why do people hate jury duty? Back when I was working, it was a welcome and unimpeachable excuse to have a break in the routine. I have an admittedly high tolerance for waiting around - back in the day, I'd bring a stack of magazines and jettison as I went. Now, of course, the phone or ipad work great. And, when involved in a trial, people's stories are interesting. The glimpse into other lives can be fascinating. I read mysteries and love me a TV courtroom drama, so to get to be there is cool. And, of course, I have a pretty strong sense of civic responsibility, and this shows some of our finest (and not so fine) systems at work.

So I faithfully showed up as summoned on Tuesday morning last week. I'd been summoned once before to that location, so I had the logistics of parking and finding the building all worked out. But clothes! What does one wear to be on a jury? And, setting the alarm, to be up and out on a schedule. I set three alarms, just to be certain. I decided what to wear the night before (a time saving trick from my working days) but ended up changing my tops three times. I went for comfort over style, choosing my dressiest yoga pants (an oxymoron?) and a relatively dressy fleece sweater over a plain tee. I left my beloved hoodie and flannel shirts behind.

The summons included the instruction for full time masking, and I brought a few with me, to be able to swap out if I was there all day. The entrance to the court building was next to another county building with a polling place, and there was a line there. But I found my way into the court building, where they took my temperature and ran through a quick verbal checklist ("have you recently travelled out of state? been to any non-socially distanced parties? ...") before screening me through security. In the huge juror's lounge, they checked me in without touching me, having me toss the pen I used to sign their sheet into a box lined with disinfectant wipes. They handed me an envelope with fifteen dollars in cash and a letter suitable for showing an employer, testifying to my appearance. 

The huge juror lounge had specific seats marked off for sitting. At checkin, they handed me a full sheet of paper holding only my new number, 19. They pointed in the general direction of the seats, and I found the seat with a large #19 on its back. It turns out, each row of a dozen fixed seats were set to hold two people, and the position along the row was staggered so no-one was directly in front of anyone else. So I settled in to my seat and started on my electronic magazines. 

After a while, someone at the front of the room attracted our attention, and started to call numbers. Each person had to hold up their number when called to be recorded. They ended up calling about 45 people, half the jury pool there, and then lined them up and took them to a courtroom for voir dire. They were asked to walk six feet apart, and the elevators had designated spots to stand in, only four at a time, so I imagine their trip took a while to get there and get settled. 

I figured by this time I'd spent about 90 minutes in a room with about 100 people total in it. The only public buildings I've been in since March are supermarkets and hardware stores, usually off peak and with very high ceilings and good ventilation. In the jury room we were well spaced out, and 100 percent masked. A casual survey of masks showed more than two-thirds in disposable paper masks (mostly the pleated surgical kind, a few N95 types), and others in cloth masks. But, we don't much about about how the virus spreads. How good, what type, of ventilation system did the room and building have? I have no idea.

So then for us, the other half of the jury pool, they brought the lawyers and judge to us for voir dire. They asked a series of questions about our past history and whether we knew specific people. If our answer to anything was "yes", we held up our number cards and they recorded us for individual questions later. It became clear from the nature of the questions that the case was a civil lawsuit stemming from an auto accident. Of course it was.

So then, they called us in one-by-one to a smaller room just off the big one, where the judge asked for the details on the questions we had flagged. After my questioning, I returned to my seat and my magazines. 

Finally, the big denouement. The clerk started to call numbers, and the big question in everybody's mind: Are we selected or excused? As it turns out, I was selected. Of course I was.  

By now, three hours had passed. The others left (I was glad to have fewer people around) and it was our turn, the eight of us, to line up and go by fours up to the court room. Then, more waiting around. At some point, we'd been told to turn off our devices, and I cursed myself for not having thought to bring an actual book book or magazine. It appeared our trial was the only activity on the entire floor, and I was relieved to have even fewer people around. There was a long corridor with floor to ceiling windows and it was great to get to walk back and forth and see some actual daylight. One juror went in to talk to the judge alone, and then we were seven jurors, six women and one man. 

Finally, into the courtroom. The jury box, built to hold fourteen, had seats blocked off for three to sit in each of two rows. Very comfortable fixed but swiveling seats, with a waist-high wooden wall in front and clear plastic sheets suspended between the rows. One poor juror had to sit in front of the jury box, on the courtroom floor, where she felt like she was on display. She had to sit nicely (we could put our feet up on the wall in front of us) and she felt the need to be alert and taking notes all the time. So now, in our courtroom, there were the seven jurors, and about ten others (plus some witnesses).

The judge thanked us constantly for being there, and revealed this was his first jury trial since March. He explained things clearly, interpreting some of the lawyers' motions for us along the way. He's not on the ballot this year, but I'd vote for him again. His clerk had recently taken the bar, remotely, and noted there might be less reciprocity than in previous years because it was a truncated exam.

So the case itself was a rear-end collision, three years ago, and the plaintiffs were suing the driver that hit them for whiplash. We heard testimony from doctors and chiropractors, the plaintiffs and defendant. It seemed to me none of the lawyers were any good - but maybe I watch too much TV. Certainly, two of them failed to read the room - with a jury of six women and one man, do you really need to emphasize the boxing league credentials of one doctor, or pepper your speech with a flood of football analogies? 

I used my car as my portable bubble, and ate my lunch there every day. Two of three days I also walked, but the last day the remnants of a hurricane swept through so I just read in the car. With temperatures in the 60s every day, the car was nice secure little space to be unmasked.

After two-and-a-half days of testimony (and a lot of waiting around in the hallway) on the afternoon of the third day we went to the jury room to deliberate. (Just before that, the poor woman who sat in front was designated the alternate that could be released - we only needed six for the decision.) It was really interesting to hear what others were thinking. We had of course started to warm up to each other during our interminable waits, what do you do, where do you live, etc., but of course hadn't started to talk about the trial. Some thought the plaintiffs were totally faking, others had more sympathy for the fact their lives had been upended when a car struck them out of the blue. We took about 90 minutes, and ended up splitting the baby. We didn't give the plaintiffs everything they asked for, but we gave them something. And we all agreed on which was the sleaziest doctor!

So now, I've imposed a (modified) quarantine on myself. I never felt the situation was clearly unsafe, but it also was clearly much riskier in terms of virus exposure than my normal life. My sailing partner and I discussed it, and we agreed to wear masks all the time we were together yesterday, even though all summer we didn't mask up on the boat. (As it turns out, it was cold and so the mask was not unwelcome.) I double-masked at the grocery store this morning, and will mask when I see my girl for her birthday tomorrow. I'm postponing some errands, banking, etc.. I figure after a week or maybe ten days, I should go for a test. When I get the results, then I'll declare myself clear.

The frustrating thing is I keep having to postpone my hair appointment, to get new color! I figure I shouldn't put them at risk, even through a mask, until I'm clear.

(I voted, I'm ignoring the fact life as we know it may change in a couple of days.)

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Quarantine Halloween

Cozy evening: Oktoberfest food of an array of sausages and sauerkraut in front of the fire, followed by watching the holiday-appropriate Coco while sipping a heavy, dark, sweet blackberry dessert wine.


I earned my cozy evening by spending the day frostbite sailing, masked even though outdoors, as I am being extra cautious since my days in the jury room last week.

Monday, October 26, 2020

Watching

It feels a little bit weird to say I've wanted to increase the movies or TV I watch. I guess I figure it beats scrolling endlessly through news sites and social media in search of uplift (hah, as if) or even stimulation (boring). So I've been increasing my time on the bigger screen. Here are some of the things I've watched:

Movies

I found a fun new app: "Letterboxd". I don't understand the name, but I found it by searching "Goodreads for Movies" and that is exactly what it is. It allows me to keep track of what I want to watch and what I have watched. It has a social aspect - anyone else want to get it and track each other's movies? (Doesn't do tv).

Radioactive: about Marie Curie. Really interesting and well done. I watched it over two nights.

The Trial of the Chicago 7: written by Aaron Sorkin, it makes a coherent narrative about events that resonate with today. I'm just barely old enough to remember this in real life - I was a freshman in high school in 1968, just awakening to a political conscience. 

The Glorias: really entertaining movie directed by the always unusual Julie Taymor. Striking use of color in the direction. The women's movement has come under a lot of justified criticism recently for having been the white woman's movement, but this shows Gloria Steinem as having been brought into the movement from the beginning by people of color. Split over two nights. Loved the end.

Enola Holmes: very disappointed in this not very entertaining bit of fluff. Didn't even meet my low standards for fluffy type of show.

Under the Tuscan Sun: catching up on things I didn't see the first time around (2003). Entertaining enough, and totally removed from today which was the goal for the evening.

Ocean's Eleven: I've rediscovered that a caper movie, beautiful thieves deceiving each other, is my favorite form of movie. I inherited this from my mother who loved them too. Scarce today, but I do have the rest of the series to watch. From 2001, some things are eerily different than today - big chunky cell phones, anyone?

Battle of the Sexes: Billy Jean King in context. I really liked it. 

Television

It turns out that Netflix and Amazon Prime are the easiest streaming channels for me to watch on my tv. (I still have basic cable which also gives me on-demand networks.) So my TV watching is heavily geared towards those outlets. I don't actually watch any current network shows.

The Queen's Gambit: Just finished it last night, took me three nights. Las Vegas and Europe and the midwest in the 1950s and 1960s. So very stylish, clothes and interiors, the coloration of the cinematography helps evoke the period. It makes you feel good. I read the original book decades ago and this is a different feeling. Very well done, enjoyed immensely.

Mrs. America: I've watched a couple of episodes and want to watch more. Covers in detail and with shifting points of view events covered briefly in The Glorias. 

Occupied: Such an interesting premise. Norway goes all green and shuts down oil production in the North Sea. An energy starved Europe stands by while Russia moves in and takes over "temporarily". Focuses on compromises one makes to survive. I'll watch more of it.

Snowpiercer:  Stars my beloved Daveed Diggs. It's a little weird and hard to follow, but I think with another episode I'll be hooked.

The Good Wife: Seven seasons, started in 2009, I hadn't watched any of it. Classic network drama. Sucked me in the way Grey's Anatomy did. Good sympathetic but flawed characters trying to get by in the world. At least one good legal case per show, with longer term plot threads moving between the shows and through the seasons. I'm only part way through season three, so I've got a lot to go! I play it in my basement while I'm doing chores or sewing, because it doesn't demand all my attention.

Piccard: Star Trek. Not the best, by a long shot, but fun to catch up with TNG characters, in the "whatever happened to ol' ...." sense.

Schitt's Creek: I waited for the last season to come on Netflix for free. Stevie is my style icon! So sweet to the end.

Away: I love a good space yarn, and here they are off to Mars. It's ok, I'll watch more than the 3 or 4 I've seen so far, but so far not so engrossing as some of the others. 

Madam Secretary: If only I lived in that universe, where reasonable people try to behave well. I finished it this summer.

Grace and Frankie: I finished it on Netflix, sigh. But are there more seasons coming?

Below Decks Sailboat: I haven't watched reality TV (except for HGTV) until this. It was my guilty pleasure, the single season I watched this summer, being a voyeur to good looking young people hooking up and breaking up, in a fantasy setting, trying to do their jobs serving badly behaved rich people. I tried another season, and it didn't work as well for me.

Want to watch: Little Fires Everywhere for escape.



Sunday, October 25, 2020

Style Icons

Looking at my clothes, trying to decide what to do with them, made me muse a bit on what I own and how I want to be seen in the world. My entry into the working world was coincident with the era of skirted (but man-tailored) suits. I had shirts from Brooks Brothers, and little silk floppy bow ties. I was happy to have a uniform. As I grew more confident at work, I finally evolved to slacks, a blazer, and a T, or rarely, a tailored shirt. Imagine my delight to find Samantha Bee create a name for herself in exactly the style I wanted! At last!  A role model of a woman whose work and look, both, I admired!

 But, since I was roughly twelve years old, there is a style I adopted and wore as much as I could, when not at work.  But, not until very recently did I ever see someone representing the way I choose to look. But, finally I did. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Stevie Budd!

The plaid shirt, tee, jeans, and sneakers is me. Though lately, more likely yoga pants than jeans.

(Except for the hair on both. I'm a short-hair girl for life, since I got my ponytail cut off right after my high school yearbook picture was taken.)


Saturday, October 24, 2020

Clothes

When I retired, I decided I wouldn’t touch my work clothes for a year, to give myself four seasons to figure out what I might actually wear going forward. This hasn’t been a year that is a fair test of what I might wear, obviously. But I own too many clothes and I feel the need for a purge coming on.

I did a major clothes and closet makeover back in 2012 (and wrote about it here, here, and here). I just re-read all of those posts, so you don’t have to. You’re welcome. Basically, I took all the clothes out of my room, demo’d my old closet, installed new racks and shelves but no doors, and then only allowed clothes back into my room that I would wear right then. And, I vowed to not own more clothes than fit in my newly efficient room. This was not really a big constraint, because in addition to the closet (which has room for boxes on top of the hanging racks) I have five chests of drawers in my bedroom, ranging from small to medium. Work clothes almost entirely hang in the closet, and all other clothes are in drawers.

The visual approach really worked for my work clothes - having everything hanging out where I could see them helped me get dressed in the mornings. But, looking at those clothes now, I think maybe they are getting dirty or fading, being “out there”. So I’ve just ordered a hanging curtain to block the light and keep them less dusty. But that is purely cosmetic, and doesn’t deal with deciding what I want to own going forward.

My unstable weight has contributed to the problem. I have continued to buy clothes, mostly in bigger sizes that are more comfortable now. The weight started to come on in my last two years of work. At first, I resisted buying new because I assumed I would lose the weight as quickly as I gained it. Alas, no. But then I was within spitting distance of retirement and I resisted buying good clothes knowing I wouldn’t need them all. In fact, I had a knee operation six months before I retired, and used that as an excuse to start wearing yoga pants to work. I kept that up until the end, supplemented with dresses that would work for a wider range of weights than my tailored pants.

So, paradoxically, I have too many clothes but not much in the way of good clothes that fit right now. I need a plan (having a plan makes me feel just about as good as actually doing something). How about this: save doing anything about it for a stretch of bad weather. And in the meantime, buy nothing. Maybe do laundry more often to get by.

Monday, October 12, 2020

On Vacation


How can I be on vacation? Vacation from what? But I feel like last week was indeed a vacation, at least from my [normal] life. My boat partner and her husband, J and J, had their vacation to the Azores aborted at nearly the last minute. We have been in essence podded together this summer, sailing without masks but seeing no-one else but family and store clerks. They live in rural Pennsylvania, beautiful but not so cultured. And so, J and J came and stayed in my lovely basement instead of the Azores, which is almost as nice. It certainly was nice for me!


J had done her homework, and gotten timed tickets to open museums in DC. The African-American History Museum, the newest and everyone’s first choice, was not available. But they got the Portrait Gallery (my favorite) and the American Indian Museum, which I had never been to, and for the day I wasn’t available, the Spy Museum. The best weather day of the week J and I went sailing, while husband J did a major gardening chore for me and worked on his novel and played with my dog. The whole week was the best of fall weather, warm enough to be outside, bright bright sun, not too hot, rated 10-out-of-10 every single day by the Capital Weather Gang in the Washington Post.


It was so nice to be out and about! We spent hours inside the museums, which were not at all crowded and thus felt safe. Husband J had been a middle school teacher and had been on several field trips to the museums, but there was enough change to keep him going, reading every sign on every display. We had drinks and nibbles at a sidewalk cafe one day, deli sandwiches dining outside at the new Eisenhower memorial with J & J’s lovely DC-suburban resident daughter another. Most of the food at home was takeout, where they delighted in our easily available Central American, Ethiopian, and Vietnamese cuisines. I was also pleased to be enjoying so many different flavors not cooked by me.

But I am used to being alone, and I was not displeased to have a day of isolation and solo recovery, before plunging back into my [normal] life. Which is, tbh, isolation most of the time too, and it suits me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Blursday

 I read the term “Blursday” in The NY Times, I think. I don’t remember the whole article, but the term struck me as just exactly right. This is the time period in which I am living. There is little to distinguish the days, except if I zoom in and grab it, write it down for posterity.

I try various things to track my days, to try to pin down where my time goes. This is so hard: I can’t really remember. I went grocery shopping, was that Thursday or Friday? When did I last go through my mail and pay all the bills? Don’t I have some deadline coming up on one of the few things I am actually responsible for? When last did I speak to someone? To my family?

It’s so easy to just drift. I am doing things, sure enough. I’m working in the garden, I’m walking, reading books, laundry piles up and then gets done. I’m pretty much on an island most days, but things are getting done.

I’m keeping a log of when I do what in the garden, when I remember to do it. I started this after I planted some grass seeds, and then after a period of time, they came up. How long was that after planting? Because I was planting more seeds, I really wanted to know how long to wait before declaring failure. (Because my mind always assumes a catastrophic failure, but that’s a discussion for another time.) I had to go back and look at my pictures, and read the date taken, to be able to figure that out. Hooray for taking the pictures at the right time!

I’ve taken to actually keeping a calendar to see where my time goes. There is little on the calendar to begin with, but I go back, not every day, but every couple-few days, and try to reconstruct what I did. I don’t have goals here, just curiosity. But I do want to minimize the aimless puttering, the aimless TV (as opposed to purposeful TV!), and the aimless iPad surfing. It bothers me when I have hours accounted for. I want my time to count for something, even if it’s just growing my mind. 

So I look for clues, in the electronic signatures I leave around various places. My fitbit tells me when I woke up and went to bed, and by the number of steps I can often figure out when I did various physical tasks. My phone knows where I am in space, sort of (it’s buggy) and so I can use that to verify what day I went to the Giant supermarket. The iPad tracks screen time, even down to which app I am using, so I fill in details with that. Reading books or watching TV have no electronic signature, except when I finish a book (if it’s on the kindle and I have it connected), or what I can deduce from lack of activity tracked by the fitbit.

Why does this matter? No idea. But I’m doing it, at least for now.

Saturday, September 12, 2020

Planning, Tracking, and Hunger

"Hunger is NEVER an emergency".

 I first heard that phrase many years ago. At the time, it was the fashion to suggest that many small meals was the "best" way to diet, and that it was important to avoid ever becoming actually hungry, because that would lead to raging hormones that would make a person lose all control. The implication was we are all victims of our biology, and, like the Incredible Hulk, we could not be held accountable for what we did when we were in a berserker mood.  

The context for my first contemplation of hunger as merely a normal expression of impulses (rather than an emergency) was a diet book based on cognitive-behavior therapy approaches, which I read years ago. The idea is to examine thoughts, and change them consciously if they are not serving you well. Clearly, the facts about hunger are that we can live for weeks without food - so for us in America, missing a meal time is not an actual emergency (except for some people with diabetes or other medical conditions). So if we get hungry at an inappropriate or inconvenient time, we can remind ourselves we will survive, and to be patient until it is convenient to eat. It was a liberating thought, and I've used it fairly often to skip snacks or reaching for crap rather than good food.

This approach is very compatible with the coaching group I am currently participating in. The emphasis in my group is to plan and track food, and to be very aware of hunger. We are taught to analyze what we feel in our body, to feel what hunger feels like, what satisfied feels like, and to only eat when we are hungry and to stop when we are full. I'm pretty sure I've got the first notion - what hunger feels like - down pat, but stopping when full is still very difficult for me. One tidbit that caused a lightbulb to go off for me was the notion that how much food it takes to be full does not change based on how hungry I am. A portion is still a portion. 

This came into play for me today. I experimented a while back with "intermittent fasting", a fad that suggests only eating during an eight- or ten-hour window each day has weight loss benefits greater than simply a calorie reduction from less opportunity to eat. I abandoned thinking of this as a useful thing, but overall it has made me more receptive to skipping breakfast. Because I have so much more energy in the morning, and because it often gets oppressively hot in the afternoons, I jump out the door to start my day without having eaten anything first. I have my coffee, and I drink lots of water, but nothing to eat until later.

I was especially conscious of how I was feeling this week, because last week I felt better in every possible way than I have in months. No headaches, no generalized malaise or fatigue, more energy than is my norm. I wish I had taken the time to write about this at the time, because it would be useful to remember better. As my body reverted back this week towards what is sadly my normal baseline, (with a full-blown migraine to mark the transition) I tried to stay tuned in to how my body was behaving.

I got engaged in projects of some sort every morning this week, finally breaking my fast between 11:00 am and 1:30 pm. I found it difficult to stop what I was doing, because my experience has been once I do, I am likely done with productive work for the day. If it's gardening I've been doing, like today, I have to shower as soon as I come inside, to try to ward off the always-present but not always observed poison ivy, which further delays when I finally eat. The day I didn't eat until well after noon was a problem. Hunger had moved from an annoying feeling of stomach growling to a hollow feeling in my chest, and finally a headache. I recognized the headache - not a migraine, but hunger. I eventually ate (very quick salad with just lettuce, meat, and bottled dressing), but for the rest of the day I was feeling the need to "catch up". Let's just say unplanned carbs happened. My coaching group would not allow that - food doesn't just leap into my mouth - at some point, I chose to put it there. My salad, and tylenol, eliminated the headache, but I had strong urges to eat for the rest of the day and I did.

Eating around 11 am, as I did today, seems to work much better for me. I'll be having another meal by 3 or 4 pm, and later I'll have to deal with my evening drive towards sweets- a constant issue, no matter how much I've eaten earlier.

I still think hunger is not an emergency. I don't have to eat. I've got reserves to last me weeks, comes the apocalypse. But my experience this week suggests letting myself get too hungry means I have to exercise a great deal of control to avoid overeating in an over-reaction. It would be more sensible to avoid putting myself into that position in the first place.

(This post was inspired by other's posts about hunger.)

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Summer Report Card

Here is the July and August updates to the report card. I feel better about this than I did in June. Remember, more green is better, and we want more red in the 2019 column than the 2020 - the red indicates the worse average.

First, Activity:


Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug
2020 2019
Avg Calories Exp    1,847    1,959    1,839    1,799    1,894    1,837    1,872    1,849
   1,862    1,930
Days >2,000 cal 8 10 6 7 12 5 4 4
          7         10
Avg Daily Steps 8,050 8,950 6,706 6,934 7,808 8,217 9,132    8,023
   7,978    8,811
Days <5 span="" steps=""> 9 6 8 8 7 6 7 4
          7           3
Miles Biked          -            -            -            -            -            -            -            -  
         -             1
Miles Walked         25         22         14         21         13         29         54         31
        26         23
Miles Run          -            -            -             3          -            -            -            -  
          0           4
Workout Days         13         10           5           1           9           2           3           4           6         11

I was a champion walker in July, enough to bring up the yearly average to beat last year. But, now I've reverted back to a more "normal" number of miles, but this is still a focus. If I can't do anything else, at least I can walk. And sometimes in July, that is all I did for the day. The number tracked here is "intentional" walking - go out the door for a walk and track it - as opposed to steps that just happen as I go about whatever is happening in my day. Steps overall are up, which is a good thing. I still need to consciously work out, body weight and with weights. I know I've lost strength.

Weight, and food tracking:


Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug
2020 2019
End Weight (trend)       167       167       165       165       165       164       163       163
164 167
Days Food  Tracked         27         16         19         11         25         25         23         18           21           4

This is one area where I am doing better than last year, because it is something I'm focused on. I am not just tracking after the fact, but planning out what to eat in advance for the day. (This also helps to reduce waste, as I pay attention to what I have already in the fridge.) Mostly, I'm just paying attention to whether I am truly hungry or not. Because I have the privilege of nearly totally setting my own schedule, I can eat whenever and whatever I want. I do not eat anything I don't like, and mostly try to only eat things I really really like, not just "ok". I try to be careful on portion sizes I dish out, because stopping before the plate is clean is very very difficult for me. Truly, I am shocked at how little it takes to fill me up if I slow down and eat mindfully. I am eating sweets I like every day, sometimes more than I planned. If I were able to cut back on the indulgence to more reasonable amounts, the weight would come off faster.

How's my head been?


JanFebMarAprMayJunJulAug
20202019
# Min Meditate 215 155 144 135 120 117 213 138
155 222
# Times Meditate 14 18 15 9 12 14 26 31
17 21
Migraine Hours         22         38         28         35         29           3         44         15
        27 14
Sleep Hours        7.8        7.5        7.7        7.7        7.6        7.4        7.3        7.3
       7.5        7.2
Resting Heart Rate         61         61         61         61         60         60         60         59           60 62

This is mixed. I'm meditating more now than at the beginning of the year, partly because both my therapy and my mindful eating lend themselves to that. I'm also doing a lot more informal checking into my body. Migraines aren't great, and probably somewhat related, my sleep isn't great either. I'm still sleeping more than last year, and I've come to realize how sleep deprived I was when I was working. My resting heart rate is down, which is good. Fitbit reports most people who stay at home for covid have had their resting heart rate go down, which is not expected as exercise and fitness is supposed to be the driver of lower heart rates.

How about things I do for fun?


Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug
2020 2019
# Books Read 8 9 14 19 14 14 20 13
        14           6
# Blog Posts 4 5 12 9 13 10 8 3
          8           6
# Trips downtown 0 1 1 0 0 0 2 1
          1           2
# Days Boat 1 0 1 0 2 2 3 2             1           2

I am a reading fool this year! I slowed down on the blogging (trying to get back to it). Obviously, I didn't go downtown for a few months - those trips I show recently were either ferrying one of the kids between here and middle boy's apartment, or else a dawn solo walk. Sailing is a bright spot - while we are not doing any overnight trips this year, we are regularly getting out, at least ever other weekend.

Lastly, money.


Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug
2020 2019
Total Food Spend  $   487  $   513  $   806  $   721  $   667  $   474  $   571  $   669
 $   614  $   872
Groceries Spend  $   380  $   358  $   646  $   476  $   610  $   386  $   509  $   424
 $   474  $   611
Clothes Spend  $      -    $   364  $   181  $      -    $   301  $   214  $   132  $     42    $   154  $   178

I still spend a ridiculous amount of money on food and groceries for a person alone (hello, Whole Paycheck!). I'd blame some of it on stockpiling. I still have reserves - after six months, it's time to look at expiration dates and eat the stuff that won't keep forever. At least I'm spending less than last year. And, as my weight has gone down slightly, I haven't felt quite as much need to buy new clothes that fit my fatter size. How many pairs of yoga pants can a person have? You might be surprised. I haven't focused on other budget line items too much, but if I want to feel really good, I might have to look at how little I'm spending on gasoline!

In the words of my girl, I'm pretty sure no one really cares about these numbers like I do, but it gives me a sense of accountability to not only track this, but also post it. I think the formatting will not look great on other computers, but I spent more than I planned fiddling with this, and I'm done for now.