Relief

The Wall - the WH is through the fence

What a roller coaster this past week has been! It feels like the longest week of the year. But at least it's over.

I try to ration my news, and isolate myself from useless nattering. So I didn't pay very much attention to updates during the day on Tuesday - I checked to see if there were reports of widespread election violence (there weren't) and aside from that, I knew there would be no actual election outcomes until later. So I had my quiet day in the lovely weather. After supper, I went down into the basement and sewed, while watching my absolute favorite movie of all time: The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming! It has stood the test of time, still the best ever.

I checked the NY Times and Wash Post websites just before bed. Nothing clear, as expected. My staying up would do nothing to change anything, so night night.

I had set up the coffee pot for the morning, so I got up at my normal 6:30 on Wednesday morning, poured the first cup, and sat down with the ipad. I was horrified. Until I read the headlines, I hadn't realized how much I had allowed myself to buy into the Blue Wave. Things were looking bad - the Post actually forecasting a Trump win, the Times more neutral. Down ballot losses everywhere. An incredibly powerful Facebook live post from a Black episcopal priest I know was full of despair and anger. Even if Biden manages to eke it out, he said, this is the nation we live in. Nearly half of all voters are stupid racists, or else think being a stupid racist is not disqualifying.  I curled into a ball and panicked.

I've discovered spending a few minutes catastrophising a situation is actually helpful to me. I contemplate a worst case scenario, and play it out in my head. So I allowed myself to go there. What does this mean for me and my family and friends? Me, I'll be mostly fine. My family and friends, not so much. For the country, for our institutions, for life as I have known it, a disaster. Having spent just a few minutes there, I put it away for a while.

Black Lives Matter Plaza - my first visit

Compartmentalizing. Shrugging things off until they can't be ignored. I can do that. So I put myself on a schedule of no more often than every two hours to check in on the news. I spent time outside, gardening, but couldn't really get into any projects of any depth. I kept moving, though, not able to settle down into a book or anything else.

Thursday and Friday continued in a similar pattern, but my anxiety about the worst case eased. It seemed it would be a matter of time before it would be widely acknowledged that Biden had a solid enough lead. The weather remained remarkably fine, and I spent a great deal of time outside.

So the news came Saturday, from a text from my friend while I was eating lunch: Clanging pots and bowls in the yard! Knowing what it must mean, I grabbed the ipad and poked the Post and then the Times. Then I pushed my food away and put down my head on the table and wept. Really. Big wracking sobs. Enough to worry the dog, who painfully arose to come over and check on me.

But the feeling is relief, not joy. Relief at dodging the worst case scenario. Immense pleasure at seeing the glass ceiling break for our Vice President. But we squeeked by. I was never a fan of Joe Biden (though he struck a lovely note at his address last night). Going back to the way things used to be is unacceptable. We have to move forward, but we are a nation divided, and not all the haters are old and about to die though they sure are doing their best to put themselves and everyone else in harm's way.

I have a horror of crowds, and so avoid most demonstrations. There are times when my body on the line might make a difference, but for me the barrier is pretty high. So my celebration was at daybreak today, down at the White House. Relief at putting the worst behind us, and more work to do.