NOT Fat????!!!

I did a big push on losing weight starting in late January. Since then, I've had some bobbles up and down, but the trend has been down.  I'm not at my goal, but I've also decided not to focus on that goal for a while.  In the meantime, I am, for the first time in 15 years, at a Body Mass Index that says I am in the "normal" weight category.  This after decades of bouncing between "obese" and "overweight".  Yes, it's just a shade over the line. But over it is.

The ups and downs of my weight, since 1988. The horizontal gridlines are 10 pounds apart, and the highest to lowest weight are 50 pounds apart.

Does this mean I'm not fat?  I mean, if I'm not a fat person, then what am I?  My identity has been tied up in being a fat person my whole life. I was a fat kid. I remember looking at a camp form the summer I was 12, and to the question "Obese?" the doctor had written "borderline".  The earliest weights on this graph, in 1988, are from my Weight Watcher's book I found.  Obviously I joined because I was fat and wanted to lose weight - why else?

First world problems, folks. I'm not complaining about my weight, not by any means. In fact, while there is still plenty to criticize about my looks, in general I'm very happy with my body right now. While my top and bottom are still about size apart, buying clothes is much easier now than before. But the first time I realized the BMI number meant I was "normal", it was jarring, disorienting.  What does this mean for who I am?

I'm still five pounds above the "ideal weight" I've had in my mind since before those early Weight Watcher days, so I'm still someone who aspires to lose weight. But why? At this point, I don't believe five pounds makes an iota of difference to my health.  My legs are still fat, and I think I'll look a little better when I go down a little bit more.  But it won't be way better, because even though I'm building muscle, I'll still have sagging, older skin, no matter what I weigh. Not enough loose skin to be surgically removed, but enough to show.  So I'm doing it purely for looks, not for any other grander idea. But it won't suddenly transform me into Helen Mirren, not by a long shot.

Because it is currently fruit, sweet corn, ice cream, and beer season, I have moderated my Atkins diet significantly. My intent is to maintain for about another month, and then blitz the last five pounds.  If I can convince my body it likes this current weight, compared to the 10-pounds higher I was for the last few years, I'm pretty confident my blitz will work. To some extent, I'm doing it to see if I can. And if I can, I'd like to stay there.

This year's weight loss. The blip up in June was the San Francisco trip. On this chart, the horizontal lines are two pounds apart, so you can see I've bounced within a two pound range since July.

But why? What does it mean to be "normal"?  We all know I will never be able to just eat what I want and lie around as much as I want, so I'll always be paying attention (or else paying the price). But when maintaining I'm able to eat a much wider variety of foods and I like that. And I like buying an ice cream cone and sitting outside to eat it without thinking how everyone passing by is criticizing me in their mind, "no wonder she's fat".  I like the way I look in many of my clothes. When I walk into a room of people I don't know, I like that I no longer assume the first thing they think is "oh, she's fat".

I'm working out often and vigorously now.  I think I'm a project for my trainer - she has let me know I'm the oldest person she has trained, and she is experimenting with how hard she can push me. I am also running (thanks to a brief break in the weather) and systematically pushing to go further and faster.  I am filled with aches and pains, but I am overall healthy and quite possibly stronger than I was twenty years ago.   Forty years of hypochondria, and I always think I'm coming down with something. But the number of times I've gone to the gym because I have an appointment when I considered calling in sick is equal to the number of times I felt better afterwards, minus only one time when I really was sick.

I worry now when I walk into a room of strangers they are judging me for being old, and I'm trying to own that, not deny it.  I'm trying to rock the whole "wisdom" thing. I've been there, done that, my T-shirt wore out years ago, but let me listen to what you have to say and see if I can't coach you to be more successful than me. At the same time, I watch people more closely than I ever have, trying to figure out what I want to be like, because I'm not done changing yet.  I consciously try to walk more briskly, with a spring in my step, instead of the saunter or plod that was my more normal mode of moving through the world.  I'm listening more, and trying to talk less.  But I'm nowhere near ready to go all white in the hairs, no matter how much I try to own my age.  Every five weeks, Paul fixes me up.

I know how very fragile my new found strength and body confidence are.  All it will take is an injury, or a melt-down from a certain adolescent, or a change in my work circumstances, and I could shoot right back up to the top of the curve.  But I'm enjoying this now while I can, and trying to capture what allows me to be here.

Let's Get It Started in Here!

I'm running, and running, and running...

I've had a good few weeks for running, with some down spots along the way. The first week of July, I ran in a women's 5K in Annapolis, for the second year in a row.  My time this year was two full minutes faster than last year's race!  That is a really big deal.

I joined a tiny little running club, and it's helping me show up.  Way cheaper than personal training, this "club" is a meet-up group. Every Sunday morning there is a rendezvous to run around a little man-made lake, and afterwards we go get bagels. (Except I get coffee, no bagels for me.)  There have been as few as two and as many as six of us so far. Each of us goes around the lake a couple of times at our own individual paces.  I like the company, and I like the repetition because it lets me compare from one week to the next, and I'm definitely getting faster.

In addition to Sunday mornings, I'm trying to run Fridays after work, down on the mall.  It is one of the places people travel from all over the world to see, so why not?  I don't run outside when its over 90 degrees, so I've actually done it twice.  This past Friday was relatively awesome.  Good weather, and I felt good. I put in four miles, which is far for me.

Meetup.com is a website where anyone can set up a group and announce a time and place to get together. I've been to several meetups, starting with the Quantified Self, where I gave my talk about my graphs. I've also been to some technical data visualization sessions, and last year did some hikes. I searched for local running groups, and stumbled on one organized by a guy nearby. Basically, he or the co-organizer decide on rendezvous time and place and enter it into the website, and anyone pretty much can sign up and go.  They also post races members are going to, so I heard about some fun ones. In September, I'll go run the runways at Dulles Airport, a 5K.  In October, I'll be doing the Dead Man's Run at Historic Congressional Cemetery again - and this time, I think I'll have company from our meetup club.  In November, I'm going to run the Chesapeake Bay Bridge - and this race is a 10K - about 6 1/2 miles.  I'll need to get the distance up by then.

I've been looking for a training plan to follow. I've not found anything on-line that works for me, but I've read enough general guidance to figure out a routine that could work. "Tempo" runs are ones where you try to keep a set pace for a certain time period. That is what I tried to do today and succeeded to get my fastest run at the lake so far- no walk breaks.  "Long" runs are what they sound like - set out to go the distance, and pretty much ignore pace.  For me, that means its ok to intersperse walk breaks.  That is what I'm trying for on Fridays down on the mall.  "Intervals" are short bursts of trying to be fast, with slower periods for recovery.  If I am able to do a midweek morning run (by "able", I mean have the gumption, there is no physical reason not to) that is what I should try for.  The dog is not interested in running far for long, so that's another reason short intervals should work for us. I leave him behind on Sundays, and he's obviously not at work with me on Fridays. Since he becomes a boat anchor when he's had enough, that means I need the time both to run and to walk him.

I continue to go to the gym, twice a week. My trainer mixes intense cardiac intervals with the strength training, which is also helping the running.  Pretty much, I have a constant series of aches and pains. My sciatica is my little friend, always there just above my right buttock, sending messages down the leg as far as my ankle.  Both knees are sore, though the right one is more bothersome. I stubbed my toe last week, and after two dog walks and a lake run, it was red and swollen. "Runners logic" said go to the gym, just don't do any box jumps.  Last week, I seem to have slept wrong and got a knot in my right scapula. It's worst when I sit or sleep, however, it gets better with movement. Anytime it rains, I wake up with sneezing fits from whatever gets released into the atmosphere with moisture.   This torrent of complaints is to say this activity may be leading towards "younger next year" but it doesn't mean I feel awesome all the time.  It makes me happy and makes me feel strong, however.

Except the first five minutes, every time. That is such a huge hurdle, and the biggest barrier to keeping it up.  Here is the track record (so to speak) - I want to get the count up for August.