Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Motto: ENGAGE!

I gave myself a one-word motto (mantra, resolution, saying, decision rule) last year: MOVE. This was an idea adopted from listening to Gretchen Rubin's podcast, Happier. After the initial announcement here, I don't think I re-visited how it was working in any post here. I did, however, often remind myself of it. It popped up in my ruminations, sometimes while lying on the couch.

What was the point? Did it make a difference?

Reviews are mixed, but given the very low investment, it certainly didn't hurt and was worth doing. So I've adopted a new one this year:  Engage!

Some of the joy of a one-word motto is how I can read many meanings into it. The more specific, the harder that is to do. But with just one word, multiple contexts can imbue it  with multiple layers of meaning to me. And that's all that matters - what it means to me.

The iconic use of the word, copied here, is Jean-Luc Picard commanding the Enterprise into action. I think of it, for me, also as propelling to action. But more specific types of actions than Move was about last year.

I've written about my tendency towards lighthouse keeping before. Much of the time, I'd be perfectly content to live on an island by myself, with some useful work, and a lot of time to just be me, all alone. I love this. But I don't want this always. I value friends, social connections, and also being involved in the public forum to try to do some good. I need to urge myself forward out of my happy little self-centered bubble to engagement.

So I plan family engagements, social engagements, engaging on a civic and political level, and engaging with personal issues such as money and health. I also vow to engage my core muscles as often as I possibly can, to enhance back health!

Enough sitting around. Mr. Riker, Engage!

Monday, January 20, 2020

Time, Time, Time, Where Do You Go?

I was ready to write a nice, humorous, optimistic post. But when I turned on my laptop, it was so slow as to be unusable.

That was two and a half hours ago. I've been down the rabbit hole of is it hardware or software, and maybe made some improvements, but not gonna sit still anymore right now. See you all later.


Sunday, January 5, 2020

2019 Recap: Weight is Out of Control

This blog started focusing on diet and exercise. I've had a lot of success, but not recently. As I focus on other things, and I get older, and other things change, this is a sad story. This post is solely a recap, not about resolutions and what I'm doing about it, only about what has happened. Just the facts.
My weight in 2018 and 2019

Since 2017, I've been gaining weight. I managed to interrupt the weight gain just once in the past two years - in anticipation of my hiking retreat in October 2018. After that, I had my knee surgery in December 2018, and I feel like I've felt crappy ever since. Value of the blog: I was able to look back at what I wrote during that brief weight loss. I was following strict rules - the kind that work well for a while and then exhaust me.

It is helpful to look at the history, and see where my weight has been in the past, without having to rely only on my memory. I had my second big loss when I started the blog. I was focused and able to sustain things for quite a while. But I was also ten years younger - not a small change to remember.

My weight since I began blogging in 2010
Now, I'm still below where I was when I started this effort - though not by much. But since one of my mottoes is, "It could be worse", I can take comfort in this.

And, with an even longer perspective, I've benefited from having sustained a weight loss from my peak for twenty-two years. That ain't nothin'. "Better than a hit in the head", as my mother would say.
My weight since 1988

However, let's be clear: I am on a bad trajectory. There is clear evidence that whatever I'm doing is not working to control my weight. There is also clear evidence that weight loss is followed by a boomerang effect, just as every health guru will assert when they say diets don't work. And I have pretty clear personal evidence that the weight gain is bad for the rest of my health (there may be chicken-versus-egg issues there, but that's a rumination for another day).

Happy New Year, everyone. Still hanging in there. Time to engage!


Tuesday, December 3, 2019

Walk Towards the Light

"Walk towards the light" is a design principle used by an architect who published a series of books I gobbled up over the past few years: Sarah Susanka, with the Not So Big House series. She has a series of principles and practical suggestions, many of which I've incorporated into my own small house. The "walk towards the light" idea is that people are naturally drawn towards the light, so use that concept in placing windows, hallways, lighting, and lighted art works, to make it comfortable and natural to move around your home. One specific example is my newly renovated basement - I had one additional window excavated to a large size in the big, main room down there, not required for "legal bedroom exit" status, but because it's at the foot of the stairway and faces west. In the afternoon, light streams in from outside, and it draws you down the stairs to the otherwise underground space.

Light is very important to me. I'm convinced the gloom of my middle school years, spent in Ann Arbor and England, was influenced by the gloom over the winters. By contrast, the South Shore of Long Island, heavily influenced by the Atlantic Ocean, is one of the sunniest places in the country during the winter months. Moving back there for my high school years was a life saver. Back to Ann Arbor for college and grad school, we once went 45 days without enough sun to cast a shadow. I remember hunkering down into vegetative status in the winters. Chicago, on the west side of the Great Lakes, was significantly less gloomy in winter than Michigan. But I'm convinced I never would have gotten the gumption to apply for the job in DC if we hadn't had a glorious, stationary, high-pressure system sitting over Chicago for four weeks at just exactly the right time. It was frigid - during that time it never climbed above 5 degrees! But it was light, all day, every (short) day, and I soaked it up, through windows at work and bundling up to go cross-country skiing on weekends.

When I moved to DC, my first office at my new job was an interior one, with no glimpse of the outside. I read a book on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I was afraid of what the dark would do to me. I had started The Big Weight-loss, and key to that was nordic tracking for a time every single morning. I bought a specialty florescent sunlight lamp on a mounting pole that allowed it to shine in my face as I exercised. This is reckoned to be the absolute best method for use of a lamp to ward off SAD - in your face, first thing upon rising, while exercising. No doubt the energy from the light helped in the weight-loss.

I bought my current house primarily for its windows, secondarily for its lot and the gardening possibilities. (Of course, location came first!) Built in 1950 when tract housing was shooting up all over the U.S., it has several detectable Prairie School influences (in the pitch of the roof and overhangs) and mid-Century modern as well (in the large combination living/dining room, and several modernist touches in materials and trim), rescuing it from the dark, chopped up standards at the time. Shaped like an "L", with the two bedrooms on the base of the "L" and the public rooms along the upright, it's oriented close to north-south, with the bedrooms being the north wing. Every room has big windows, and from almost every spot in the house you can see outdoors on at least two different sides (if doors and blinds are open). But as I've recently spent more days in the house at all hours, I've noticed subleties in the light patterns in these most dark days of the year.

Clearly, the axis of the house is skewed from true north/south, so that east-facing windows get less morning light than west-facing windows get in the afternoon. I move consciously through the house, following the light. I have a "morning chair" in my office with east windows. I usually get up before full light, so the chair has a nice reading spotlight. I sit with my ipad and coffee, catching up on blogs, social media, and the news. The sun is rising behind me - if I turn I can watch it, but as I sit I can see rays in the room, and through to the next room to watch the sun cast light on the trees outside on the west side. I recently also bought a small sunlight lamp, because I found grey days seemed to sap my energy even with consciously trying to get outdoors more. It's a small thing, relatively inexpensive, and I set it up right next to my face as I read, for 15-20 minutes. Maybe it helps - so hard to tell.
My sunny kitchen

By the time it's full light, the kitchen with east and south windows is lovely. That's when I clean up from the night before (yes I go to bed with the dishes undone) and plan the day's activities and meals. Somewhere in there I go to the basement where my workout room gets some natural light from the north, but is very very well lit.

I generally eat breakfast and hang out in my sunroom if I'm home and reading or writing for the morning. This room, known also as the TV room and the dog's room, started life as a screen porch and then was winterized. It has giant windows on the east, south, and west! This makes it a poor TV room in the summer when glare affects the screen most of the time, but it is a lovely place to spend a portion of my day these days. (It's very doggy, and a deep cleaning of furniture and new floor coverings will happen between dogs, whenever that is. For the time being, it works for me and my four-legged guy better than for guests.)
The sunroom in the afternoon.

By the early afternoon, my big room is getting the light. This is where I'll finish out my day. I use my dining room table as working desk when I plunge into finances and paperwork. I flop on the living room couch with books or the ipad. My bedroom faces west and north, and any cleaning, organizing, or decorating projects in there are likely to be kicked off in the late afternoon during its brief time of streaming light.

During these dark days, I also pay attention to the spectrum and intensity of my interior lighting. In both my bedroom and my living room I have intense daylight spectrum lightbulbs I use in the daytime, but I try to avoid them in the evening. My bedside reading light is specifically a red-spectrum evening light, and I invested in a fancy alarm clock that gradually runs through the spectrum from red to blue light as the way to wake up. (I'm not using the alarm clock most days these days. Don't hate me for being retired.)

This pattern of moving around the house with the sun actually started unconsciously. Now that I've noticed it, I've decided to adopt it as a default routine. I'm like a photophillic phototropic plant. I like the light and I follow it!

Monday, November 25, 2019

Times Just Past

I've had a bit of a week.

Last week was the big final push to get out of my mother's apartment. I went ahead and hired a service after I found myself driving 20 miles to drop off a single bag of yarn to charity knitters. I was making myself crazy doing this stuff, and it could have gone on for months more. And every time I went to the apartment, more stuff went into my car to take home.

So Monday I met the project manager from the company I hired. "This is really nice stuff!", she said. "But there's a lot of it!" Tuesday I met the donation coordinator from the thrift shop onsite at my mother's community. We tagged what they would take. "This is really nice stuff!", she said. "But there's a lot of it, so we're only taking the best!". Thursday, the packers and organizers came. "This is really nice stuff!", they said. (You know the rest.) They sorted into several piles: Donate onsite. Donate at Habitat for Humanity. Donate clothes and soft goods to Lion's Club. Take to storage unit. Ship to Georgia.  TRASH!  (I have no doubt many things were trashed that could have found a use, but I was done and just couldn't deal.) It took the packers all day, from 9 to 5. I was there off and on, and they found several things I hadn't realized were there - all of which ended up back at my house. Friday the movers came. They didn't comment on the niceness of the stuff, but clearly were taken aback at the volume. It took them past noon to load the truck, layered from front to back, to the several different destinations. Again, I was around off and on - no point in hovering every moment, but things came up. When they moved the big furniture, for example, some things were discovered. Again, most of that stuff ended up at my house.  Around 3 pm on Friday, I met the truck at the storage unit where it took all of about 15 minutes to put that stuff away. Then I went home, with a stop at the grocery store to buy ice cream which I used (as my friend put it) to toast the end of a phase.

Things have emotions tied to them, as we know. So this whole week was fraught. But in addition to the Big Push, I also:

  • Bought a car.
  • Had a day where I retreated to my chair, and had the fewest steps of any day since my knee operation a year ago.
  • Had a birthday party for my brother-in-law, where I cooked my heart out, and only two people showed up.
  • Had what may be the first of many welcome crucial conversations with one of the kids about their mother.
  • Had my (old) car break down at my mother's campus, with a big audible THUMP followed by a grinding noise. It was three hours for AAA to come tow me to the dealer, where I don't have it back yet. This was the first car tow I've had in 20 years. (I have used the nautical equivalent of AAA several times in the interim!)
  • Had a major tranche of money of the inheritance go awry. It's not lost, just not distributed to the correct family members, due to very very complicated circumstances. I may have gotten it corrected, but I'm learning lots about how the American financial system works.
  • Worked out once, for a paltry 15 minutes.
  • Ate carbs throughout the day, every day.
  • Lost my keys for the first time in years, including the fob for my new car and all the keys to the storage unit. They turned up, 24 hours later, as keys tend to do, but I never misplace my keys. It was traumatic - I spent the whole day looking, and tossed and turned all night with new places to look the next morning.
  • Woke up with a sore throat and painful swallowing.
  • Had a proliferation of aches and pains through the whole body, turning me back into the ancient version of the Red Lady. This is not new things actually structurally wrong with me, but my body reacting to the stress.
I'm SO done with last week, and ready to move on! But I'm also overcome with the sense of excess stuff my mother had - maybe 40 t-shirts? - and fired up to pare down my own possessions. She also had stuff from hobbies past and future aspirational projects - I know I have a bunch of that and I need to take a hard eye at those neatly stowed boxes of equipment and supplies. So some of this is good and it will push me in a good direction.

I got up this morning and spent a nice half hour working out. It's sunny, and hopefully I'll get back to a better routine. The sore throat and aches and pains are still here, but I'm feeling better and the energy level is high.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Swedish Death Cleaning (NOT)

Swedish death cleaning is, of course, the practice of old people in Sweden to get rid of all their stuff to make life easier for their heirs. I'm so lucky my mother downsized from her house to a two bedroom apartment, but she managed to cram a LOT of stuff into this apartment. And, it was a lot of terrific stuff.

I finally hired someone to finish this off. But I'm wimping out on getting rid of stuff. More and more stuff is going into storage, deferring the hardest decisions. But in the meantime, I'm making space and incorporating more of my mother's stuff into my own house. Call it Norwegian Death Decorating.

I love this!
I'm committed to less stuff overall. (I'm reading both The Minimalist Home and Outer Order, Inner Calm as I do this.) I don't want to end up crowded and cluttered. So I'm getting rid of some of my stuff as I'm appropriating things from my mother's place. There is, for example, a small chest I've just put at my front door. I moved one tall bookshelf down to the basement (which was in the plan) and I'm surplussing entirely a smaller bookcase.

I'm also re-thinking my "no seasonal decorations" stance. There are lots of smaller, cool, things my mother had that I want to keep. They make me smile. But I don't want the overwhelming clutter they bring. So I'm trying to develop a system where I can have changing displays, maybe three different ones? Not counting Christmas, which I love to pieces. But I don't need it all - just a few things to switch it up.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the apartment and moving forward.

Friday, November 8, 2019

Report Card

I updated the report card I did a couple of months ago. I was still too busy when September ended, so this adds both September and October. I added a couple of fields, and was tempted to add even more. I have plans to collect and report more data, but I decided to post this as is, and not wait.

As before, I've shrunk down the size of this to show all the months at once. Darker color is better, so if no numbers show, you still get an idea of "good" versus "bad".

First comes activity. Both September and October were mixed, with news of my mother's death coming on September 11, and her memorial service on October 12. Between the two, all bets were off. So most of my September activity is early, and most of my October activity was at the end. I also took a small cruise in October, and the two days on the small ship had very few steps. I'm not feeling the bike riding, and I'm not likely to start up again now until spring. But I do aspire to ride more.

Conclusion: August was the big month for activity, but it didn't go entirely to hell when I was derailed from my emerging routine. The Days >2,000 cal measures busy days, and I had plenty of busy days. The Days < 5,000 steps measures very inactive days, and those were up in September but stayed low in October.



Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
Avg Calories Exp #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### ####

Days >2,000 cal 6 7 7 10 16 14 12 13 10 12

Avg Daily Steps #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### ####

Days < 5,000 steps 5 4 5 3 1 2 4 3 4 1

Miles Biked     -       -       -       -       -       -        5      9     -       -  

Miles Walked    26    16      8    17    15    38    28    48    15    12

Miles Run     -       -        6      3      5    11      6      1    11     -  


Next is weight. I wrote about this in the previous post. Not a pretty picture. But it's data. Tracking is what I can do, what's under my control. It had an impact in August, and I've started up again, with more advance planning (pre-tracking) as opposed to simply recording the sad facts afterwards.



Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
End Weight (week)  159  160  161  163  163  163  164  164  163  166

Days Food Tracked     -      10     -       -       -       -       -      16     -       -  


The next group is kind of a report on my head. Meditation, migraines, and sleep. (I added migraines and sleep since last report.) Lots of meditation may reflect more feeling bad at the time, but I still choose to code it as more is better. But October was a terrible month for migraines. I have an app to track the migraines and try to make correlations for triggers, reliefs, and preventatives. I think I chose not to use the app at the beginning of the year, when I was all in on trying to prevent the migraine through mindwork - meditation, self-talk, expressive writing, guided visualizations. I think it worked pretty well, and part of my mindset at the time was that tracking put too much focus on migraines, granted them too much importance, so I shouldn't track. But I've had such severe heads that I'm back to tracking as well as trying to prevent through those mindwork methods. I record the actual hours of head pain, but typically the impact is for longer - a very low activity day with huge carb urges precedes the headache, and typically there is an incredible lassitude for a day or so when it's passed - no gumption, no energy, a strong need for sleep. So a big impact overall.



Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
# Min Meditate 439 235 178 81 143 295 215 333 229 223

# Times Meditate 42 22 20 11 15 23 21 29 21 26

Migraine Hours     -       -       -       -      20    24    11    27    13    44

Sleep Hours   7.1   7.3   7.3   6.8   7.0   7.3   7.0   7.4   7.2   7.2


Here's the money report. Spending was off the charts overall and for food, but gas stays reasonable without my daily commute. There is more to say on money thoughts, but that's planning, and this is reporting.



Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
Total Spend #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### ####

Food Spend #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### #### ####

Gas Spend  $72  $59 ####  $87  $83  $84  $29  $26  $53  $50


This final group is fun stuff, and it didn't all go away in the face of adversity. I slowed down on reading - I like to think it's because I was more active. But I blogged (both here and in the garden blog), got into the city (thanks, blogger's weekend!) and did spend some time on the boat. That is nearly done for the season, though I will record trips to the marina this winter. That's why it's not labelled "sailing" - it's days with the boat, whether doing chores or sailing.



Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
# Books Read 8 7 4 1 0 12 11 9 3 4

# Blog Posts 6 8 7 6 3 6 8 7 10 7

# Trips downtown -- -- -- -- -- 1 5 2 1 4

# Days Boat -- -- -- 1 2 3 2 7 3 1


So if you step back and squint, August still wins overall, but I didn't allow everything to go down the drain in the face of adversity. Except weight, and we'll stop talking about that for a while.