I'm Gaining Weight

After years of success, after losing weight, managing it within an acceptable band, pushing it to my "goal weight", I've done the classic rebound. There is no mystery here - I'm eating way too many sweets. I start out every day with good intentions and usually good food. But from about 3 pm on, I can't be trusted. I'm eating chocolate, and sometime not even good chocolate.

Here's what happened to my eating in the last year:  I decided I'm not on a diet. I've decided I'm a master weightcontrol ninja, never to be worried about what the scale says on a given day. I've beaten the odds, I'm in the 10% who are successful at this. So relax and enjoy life.

This hasn't worked for me, as the graphs will show. It appears I can't (yet, maybe never) trust to the mindful wisdom of the body to make sure I don't over eat.

I'm writing in other posts some analysis, and what I'm doing about it, so I'm going to keep this post just to the stats.

This is the long view, which is helpful to remind me I've been worse.

This is the last couple of years, after reaching goal, to remind me how things have changed recently.
It's not too late to turn this back around!

Stuck

I've been stuck forever. Maybe I should call it maintenance.

This graph shows 2011 and 2012. The center is 150 pounds, and the red lines show the band from 148 to 152.  I hit 152 pounds on the way down on January 11, 2011, and 150 on February 5. Since then, my body has really settled in at that weight.

First, the perspective. I started this blog, and this weight loss cycle, in January 2010.  My peak was TWENTY-EIGHT POUNDS higher than the 150 plateau. Look at this:

So this is the good news, and it is really good news.  The weight I've been for the past two years is less than the weight I was for a good part of the last twenty-nine years I've been keeping track. I don't hate the way I look, and my wardrobe has also been able to stabilize. I take pleasure in shopping and looking in the mirror. This is the good news - but perhaps being content has caused me to lose motivation to do more.

Look at these patterns again:

There are some conclusions to be gained by studying these patterns, especially when I go back and look at food diaries, etc.

The set point seems to work both up and down - I can lose weight, but it pops back on again. But I can indulge and drift and eat more and exercise less, and the weight only slowly adds up. When I start paying attention, a small amount of weight comes off easily and quickly.


What this looks like to me is I can only lose weight (or start losing weight, at least) by a blitz.  Without a blitz, my weight will gradually drift upwards.  What is a "blitz"?  It is tracking, and cutting back seriously to stay within the limits. And it is exercising.  But I've fallen off the wagon after a couple of weeks of blitz, and inexorably the weight starts to creep back up.

So do I want to pay attention enough to do a blitz? Right now, as we embark on the dark dreary eating season?  When I've not been seriously unhappy about how I look?

This is a question I'm not sure I can answer easily or at once. It will take time to decide, and time to prove it. But drifting upwards without making a decision would be REALLY stupid.  And the fact is I have been feeling very bad recently. Work stress and teen stress is taking a major toll on me. I can't separate out the bad way my body and mind feel as being caused by stress, or by the relatively unhealthy way I've been eating and not exercising. Because of some extraordinary stresses, I've been indulging myself with silly sweets and carbs, and with passing up the need to move. But I need to understand that these things are not indulgences - they are not taking care of myself, they are only making things worse.

If I know its going to be a stressful day at work, I need to understand that it will be better if I get some exercise in first, and better still if I eat well and deliciously.

Today, a sunny warm day, I went for a beginner's interval walk/run. I'm about to head to the grocery store, and I want to make healthy choices for the coming week.  I'm not prepared to take a vow yet, but I am willing to make some baby steps towards getting things back under control.

I am clear on this - I want to at a minimum maintain in this range.  I am NOT going to drift back up. I am NOT.

Let me close with a link to Jeanette Fulda, a blogger I follow who is often an inspiration.  I echo the sentiments in this post of hers:  Thanks for Sticking Around.

So Easy to Regress

So there I was, complacently writing about my progress, all the while setting myself up for later sabotage. A loss of vigilance, a failure to plan, just casually moving through the day without regard for what it takes to be successful.

I had a hunger that wasn't driven by the need for energy. I felt like eating, aimed at the carbs, and kept on going for most of the day. All the time, I figured I would hit the reset tomorrow, but I was taking the day off. Why? What was going through my mind?

Remember the seven questions:

1. What was the situation, and what were my sabotaging thoughts?
2. Did I eat the food slowly, sitting down at the table and thinking about every bite?
3. How do I feel now that I've given in?
4. Had I reminded myself of the reasons I'm committed to weight loss?
5. Did I try any resistance techniques?
6. How can I avoid this situation in the future?
7. What can I say to myself next time?

Time to refresh myself with reasons and modes of resistance.  Reading what I've done since I've started is actually motivating me to keep going.  

Here are the reasons I stated at the outset:

I will feel better in every way.
Clothes will fit better.
I'll look better to others and myself.
I won't be queasy in bed at night.
People who meet me will be nicer to me.
I might be able to avoid knee surgery.

I'll be proud of myself for doing it.
I will renew my self respect.
I won't go to bed cursing myself for my weakness.

Kids - I can be a better role model.
They won't be ashamed of me.
I'll be able to do things with them.
They are more likely to have a healthy relationship with food if I do.

The good news is today was much better. I'm set up with breakfast and lunch food for the week. I'll figure out what to do with dinners, but I've got a partner in HS helping me with that. We're agreed on a fruit and vegetable supply and it is going to help.

What a difference a pound makes - Sad reprise

So here I am, flushed with exercise, just from the shower where I have my daily weigh-in. All week, I've felt like I was dieting. I plannned my eating, logged every bite that passed my lips, checked in with this my diet buddy, gave myself credit for the good stuff and forgave myself for the bad stuff, and really really upped the activity. So imagine my surprise this morning to see the exact same number as on Sunday!  I thought I was peeing like a banshee this morning so I truly expected it to be down. (I believe that water is responsible for daily fluctuations and I know sometimes I'm losing fat but changing it to water and then the weight comes flooding off all at once.)

Here's my weekly weight fluctuation (from Sunday's base)
Sunday ...... 0.0
Monday.....-0.5
Tuesday.....-1.5
Wednesday-1.5
Thursday....-1.0
Friday  ......-0.5
Saturday ....0.0

So did I start adding water in the middle of the week?  The exercise was all week long, with none on Tues or Thursday. The most number of calories I ate was 1650, on Thursday. I should have burned more calories every day than I ate - including Thursday. So what's up?  My discouragement is almost like a physical blow. I am going to shake it off here, but I let me dwell in the feeling for just a moment.... OK. I'm back.

I can control my exercise and I can control my eating. I cannot control my weight.  Remind me of that constantly.  Exercise is everything, and I am exercising away.  Reward myself for those things I can control, not those I can't. Give myself credit, and believe there will be a payoff eventually.

Do I make changes? Swear off red meat? Go strictly Atkins and give up my single evening treat? What I should not do is swear to make changes that will be impossible to live up to.  I can control what I eat, but I am cooking for and eating with others. Don't make the standard so high that only superwoman could live up to it.  Let me explore menu choices I can share with the family, and up the vegetable component of my non-family meals.

The single best thing is to keep up the exercise. If I have to choose between Fat and Fit versus Thin and Weak, clearly I want the fit.  My reasons for doing this emphasize the choice - go back and look at them.  And add to the reasons with pointed, specific reasons:

• I have a cruise in March to the Caribbean. I'm not sure my summer clothes will fit me. I want to look ok for the cruise (there will be photos) more importantly, I want to have a good time on the ship and shore excursions - I want to feel the energy to do these things.

• I can see my kayak from where I sit.  I want to be able to really enjoy the kayak.  Strength and flexibility are critical to being able to get out there and have fun.

Focus on what I can control, and control it. I feel good from the exercise, and if I ignored what I eat, I would still feel good from the exercise.  But I'm going to plan what I eat, and start to plan out the week. I want to introduce one new meal to the family that will be good for me. (Shrimp based? or Chicken-based?)  Since I have the night off, buy fixings for breakfast and lunch choices make-aheads, and then MAKE THEM.

Time to get moving out of the house.

Reasons why I want to lose weight

My reasons fall into three main areas:

Better
Everything will be better if I do.

Proud
It will repair my self esteem.

Kids
I want to be a role model, and more.

Here is more of the explanation of why I want to lose weight:

I will feel better in every way.
Clothes will fit better.
I'll look better to others and myself.
I won't be queasy in bed at night.
People who meet me will be nicer to me.
I might be able to avoid knee surgery.

I'll be proud of myself for doing it.
I will renew my self respect.
I won't go to bed cursing myself for my weakness.

Kids - I can be a better role model.
They won't be ashamed of me.
I'll be able to do things with them.
They are more likely to have a healthy relationship with food if I do.