It's Official

So many thoughts and feels. All good, with a tinge of sadness at an ending. But already busy! I think Monday will be where I really feel it.

The party itself was great, with many people saying very nice things about me and I only choked up once when I talked.

That's my current boss, Bailey, and the Administrator giving me the official plaque. I'm wearing a dress with airplanes on it.

Thoughts

Me, at 2 am:  "Oh, hello, rumination! Nice to see you in the middle of the night again!  Let's just turn back over to this side, and we'll get back to the racing thoughts."

It's been a bit of a week. I filed my papers for the big R. Last day as an employee: May 31. Told my immediate boss. Succession planning is the thing now.

Things in my life retirement will make better, to some degree: 

• Time
• Ability to engage in partisan politics

Things in my life retirement will not by itself make better, and likely make worse:

• Everything else, including
• Money
• Social isolation
• Energy level

Got a call at 9 pm Monday, the big boss, while I was walking the dog and planning a blog post. Asking me to do, immediately, what I do - working with one or more of my team, pull some data, do some analysis, write it up in English, give him insight and the tools to share it. Kept us up for hours, and reminded me why I like work, and how good both my team and also me are. Succession planning. Make sure that team is taken care of and valued.

The call on Monday interrupted what was about to be this blog post. I had Gym Magic happen Monday night. I felt pooky, not up to snuff, not wanting to go to the gym. My knee hurt. My head hurt. My lower back hurt. Had an appointment with the trainer, or I wouldn't have gone. At the gym, I worked really hard. And I felt GREAT. I felt strong. My head and my back hurt less or not at all. I felt badass, which is my goal. During the workout, I kept up a mantra, "There is nothing wrong with you. Pain is just a thought. You can do this."  I constantly monitored, not my pain, but my level of effort. Get above medium, go for "hard".  Check in, what is the emotion I feel now?

The reason I did this, was more than a little bit inspired by a radio show, Invisibilia. There is quite a bit making the news these days about chronic pain. I belong to some Facebook groups where there are people using various versions of these mostly mental approaches, combined with physical activity, to reverse cascading chronic pain. This is what I have. Yes, I have arthritis. Yes, I am inclined to migraines. But the way through is around this, not by treating pain itself. The pain is a symptom, but there is not much of an underlying condition. What is there is dealt with mostly by exercise and diet. If you are equipped and inclined to listen to podcasts, I highly recommend this episode.

Ah, eating right. I seem to lose all moral fiber and judgement in the evenings. I'm adding a good 200-500 calories every night with out of control eating.  I'm like a zombie, or a lemming talking to another lemming as we go over the edge, "You know, this is a really bad idea. There is absolutely no reason to do this and it won't end well."  I also flop on the couch, and except for Monday, do not walk the dog. It's still dark and cold when it's time to go. I know there is dog walk outdoor magic to be had out there, but my evening low energy and lost judgement zombie decline keeps me glued to the couch. I'm almost defiantly proud of my torpid sloth. Until the morning, when I bemoan the lost opportunities.

Insights

This weekend has been a roller coaster and I've detected - and maybe modified - some old patterns of mine. I want to capture this before it is lost to the day-to-day busyness and noise.

I've known for a long time this: When the going gets tough, Nan gets sick. The fact there is a mind-body connection, and that bad things manifest themselves in my body, is not news. No point in recapping that history here. What I have learned, and repeated more than once, is that I can be great in a crisis. I rise to the occasion, I step up, I take responsibility, and I help. But eventually, I'll collapse. The toll comes due and carries interest as well.

However, observing this and changing it are two different things. I've learned some self-care techniques, from exercise to meditation and (always) eating well. These things help, and can pull the worst of the reaction down, once I recognize it. Not yet can I avoid it.

But here's an additional insight I got this weekend: Sometimes, the trouble and the crisis I'm trying to fix are not mine.  Apparently, I don't have enough trouble of my own, so I have to borrow it from others. Hearing of trauma from others hurts me. Literally. This is tied to the difference between sympathy and empathy, but that is a complicated discussion I'm not going to dive into now.

The issue for me (and this recent insight) is not that I can be empathic (I feel others' situation as if it were my own) but that I have a Joan of Arc complex about it, thinking it's then up to me to fix it. Not everything can be fixed, and it's not always mine to fix. I don't have to be responsible for everything.

The government shutdown has been a slow-boiling crisis for me. The first day or two were frantic, pushing buttons and lining things up, then empty echoing halls as everything poked along on inertia. But as time went on, you will have seen in the news that not all was well in our national aviation system. For me personally, money started to take on a new importance. 

Being St. Joan has worked out well for me at work. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if I didn't borrow trouble and try to fix it. I've been working hard, using all my skills, and in a rage that absolutely none of this effort would be necessary if ... [no point in recapping].  Friday was the boiling point. St. Joan was asked to step up into a major role. Then, mid afternoon, relief! (BTW, a text from Liz was the first clue of the end.) 

So on the down side of adrenaline, late Friday night came a knock on the door. An acquaintance, friendly but not a close friend, my long-time dog walker, told me her dog was missing. Aggie is the twin of my Rocky, a chocolate lab. She was asking for help getting the word out electronically to our neighborhood email group. Of course I did that. It was too cold and dark to be able to go out searching myself, but I begged her to keep me in the loop so I'd know whether to go out in the morning.

So I slept badly, rather than contented from the end of the shutdown. I woke up sluggish and in pain all over. I had planned a productive weekend, but I was derailed. Aggie was still missing, and I broadened the electronic search, shared all my other ideas for where to call and what to do, and thought about going out searching. But I didn't want to. I had my own stuff to do. I was in too much pain to move much. The weather was crappy (not that crappy). I didn't want to go look. And, it's looking for a needle in a haystack, even with my own dog as bait, especially after so many hours. I was overwhelmed with the impossibility of the task. So I decided not to go out, but my body was freaking out. This is the guilt that comes from feeling its my job to fix everything even though I can't.

I meditated, and re-visited a lesson in my cognitive training program about boundaries. I did another guided meditation. I posted in my cognitive training group, presenting a rough outline of the dilemma and asking for help. I got out of my chair, and started slowly on a chore that was at the bottom of my to-do list, but still was something. (Note: procrastination strategy of using work as an excuse for not working.)  In my group, I got a lot of affirmation about how people like us (we share a lot of characteristics) borrow trouble all the time and don't have to fix everything. And I got a specific useful yardstick: what would you expect someone else to do for you? Little bit of golden rule popping up, allowing boundaries to form and giving myself position to not always be St. Joan.

Good news!  Aggie was found, and it was from one of my messages that she was reunited with her family! So, St. Joan came through, which is maybe a mixed bit of feedback to me.

So, have I learned about how to cope with being overwhelmed? How to minimize my physical manifestation of being overwhelmed? No, though there is progress. And I think I've really gained an insight on the borrowing trouble front. I'm feeling better today, and will continue to work on these things.

Kicked Upstairs

I am sucked into the whirlwind at work, asked to serve in a higher level position temporarily. To my surprise, yesterday I found out that was two notches higher than my normal job, a much bigger and more responsible job with no safety net. The high level post will be for a few weeks, waiting for the new permanent appointee, after which I'll move to a second seat, supporting the new guy, coaching and drawing on my "vast experience and wise counsel", for what is likely to be a much longer stint. I'll be the safety net.

When did I move from being the new kid to having vast experience?

I love my (normal) job. It is interesting, at times stressful, it feels useful. I figure I'll be in it until I retire, which I've been saying for the last three years is three to five years away. But sometimes folks at my work have a way of actually, literally, saying "your country needs you" to force one to step up. (I should mention rewards for doing so are only intrinsic or symbolic; no more money comes my way.) So away from the familiar and comfortable, and into the unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

It is energizing to be faced with this challenge, and more than a little bit daunting. But it's not a good time to be making resolutions for improved diet and more exercise!

Last year was not a good year for my weight. It was only an ok year for exercise. I stuck with the personal training at the gym, and that's a great thing. But running, not so much. I collect statistics automatically, fitbit and scale, so I've got the facts. Not a lot of time spent reviewing and analyzing them, however. Hardly any food tracking, though some photos.

My holidays were practically perfect in every way, the perfect break for the new year and the new challenges (which I had wind of but no certainty).  I think the timing of Christmas and New Year's holidays falling on Mondays is great. I had the three-day weekend to be ready for Christmas, making cooking and celebrating relatively stress-free. The whole family departed before dawn on the 26th, with hassle-free flights to Miami, transfer to a casual cruise ship, perfect weather to relax in the warm sun, and return on the Friday before New Years. Again the three day weekend at home before venturing into the whirlwind.

So I had time to reflect and resolve and work out. But I didn't, not so much. I read books and blogs, watched movies and binged on TV, hung with the family, ate too much, cooked when home, and generally lived only in the present. I did do quite a bit of walking, even with our very cold weather.

So the one thing I am trying to add to my life is more meditation. I believe it will spill over to everything else, work and personal, and even my eating and weight. So I'm focusing on mindfulness.  My specific approach is using an app, "10% Happier", done by Dan Harris who wrote the book of the same title. There are many guided meditations, which I find useful, and a timer for unguided, which I'm working on - it's harder to maintain focus all on my own, but that is where the benefits ultimately lie. Partly why I use the app even for the unguided time is because it records my minutes of meditation and so I can track and be realistic if I'm accomplishing my goals.

Work Candy Jar Spoils

I need to take my eating in hand. I know the single biggest thing is to plan and cook.  The second biggest is to track and face the reality of my consumption. Yesterday I was faced with a whirlwind all day. I had brought my food in to the office (yay, me, the first step) and ate it on the fly, while meeting with people or studying for the next meeting. No pictures, no mindful pause. At 4 pm I was exhausted. I did pause, briefly and think, checking in with my body. Craving or hungry?  I was legitimately hungry, as well as tired and in need of a boost. No caffeine source closer than Starbucks across the street, a 15 minute round trip, so instead it was the office candy jar. That kept me going until I got home a few hours later, where my evening was not so good. Frozen dinner (not unhealthy palak paneer, just 450 calories) and more, much more, chocolate. I wouldn't feel bad about the office candy, except I believe it contributed to the later poor choices by the post-sugar crash. I meditated late in the evening while lying in bed, managed to stay awake through the guided process. But sleep was disturbed and fragmented. At 3 am, ruminating fruitlessly on work challenges, I did another guided meditation focused on tuning in to the body and relaxing.

Snow delay today has given me time to write. Food plan today is heat up healthy vegetable fritatta, my meat and salad dressing with greens bought from the salad bar at work, and this time take an apple and nuts for the 4 pm crash. Gym appointment after work, across the street from Whole Foods, so food bar for dinner and to purchase tomorrow's lunch.

And MAKE THE TIME TO MEDITATE!  One minute counts, five is better, ten is better and my minimum goal.