Avoiding Blursday

 There was a note in (I think) the NY Times about how staying at home through the pandemic leads to "Blursday". It can feel like we are sleepwalking through our days, every day Groundhog's Day. I think this was already sort of true for me when I retired, but the pandemic really accelerated it. How do I tell one day from another? What did I do yesterday, much less last week? And, how did I get through a week without doing anything? Anything useful, or productive, or compassionate, or anything other than basic eating and flopping on the couch with a book or tv? I first wrote about this problem just a couple of months after I retired, and again in 2020. It's remained a problem, more or less, as time moves on. The "less" is generally when I have actual deadlines coming, things like leaving on a trip. This winter, with an increased need (again) to stay home, it feels necessary to grasp my days and make something of them. But how?

You've seen my report card, where I record the statistics kept automatically for me by my various devices and automations. Sometimes, that simple record is all I have, and even some of the line items are hard to recreate: did I actually go downtown this month? Let's look back at my calendar or emails to see... And, with so few items on my calendar, I don't look at it, and so forget the few things I have.

I have to-do lists, and that is not the problem. Actually getting up off the couch to do things, when I think "but I just did something on that, that's enough for now" and "I'll do something about that tomorrow". But I need the record, to keep me honest. My memory will always round up, way way up, assuring me things have been better than they actually have been. I have tried various things, but I've got a couple methods that I've stuck with for a while, and they help.

One of the practices I've long but intermittently engaged in, is tracking my food, for diet purposes. For the past couple of years, I've done some daily worksheets more than half the days, that ask me to plan food in advance, and track what I've eaten yesterday. But in addition, these worksheets (which have varied over time) have spaces for things like "What am I grateful for today?" and "What did I do right?".

So I've decided to quit this pricey diet group, and make my own worksheets. I freely plagiarized from several different sources to create something new for this year, a daily worksheet. Food remains prominent, as I work to both plan better and record what I actually eat. (I am motivated to plan in order to use the food I have in the house with less waste, to ensure I am getting some vegetables in especially, and to also look at the calendar, make plans for the day, and ensure I will have time and energy to cook and eat according to plan. I'm recording afterwards because I want to focus on how I feel before, during, and after eating.)  So far, this one-page a day is working for me. I generally do this in the morning, after that first cup of coffee.

I'm also recording a much wider set of things about my days. I set up a matrix of many dimensions of where my time goes: exercise, chores, projects, being social, entertainment, etc. I have the dimensions down the rows and a column for each day. I simply put a dot in a box if I did this thing this day. Nothing about how much, how well, any of that. Did I do it, or not? Over time, I'm trying for a balance across the things. 

I'm using these worksheets on the ipad - I built them on the computer in excel and powerpoint, and then turned them into pdfs I pull into my note-taking app on the ipad. So with my apple pencil, I write on the ipad as if it were paper, but it's not paper. That way, should I want to go back and look, I've got it near at hand, without cluttering up things. And, I can modify and adapt the worksheets at any time. Also, the colors mean nothing, I just switch up colors in the app every day because I can.

Again, I see this as keeping me honest about what I am actually doing. I am very self-indulgent, in how I spend my time, and also how I eat. But I am striving for balance, and that requires a clear-eyed understanding of what I am doing. This is daily a minimal effort, and it feels worth it for now.

Good Habits

I went out for a walk today, to get in my mere mile. I was wondering whether my modest goal was preventing me from aiming at a more ambitious one. Just to prove it wasn't, I went on to take a longer walk and elected not to listen to the iPod, but instead continue my inner dialogue that had got me that far.

I have been reflecting on my resolutions, and also diving into my history. Today I set out to enumerate the good and healthful things I already do, the fruit of resolutions past.

I weigh myself every single day. I have for years. Knowing the facts and charting progress is considered essential to making changes. I've got the facts on this one, for sure.

I don't do doughnuts. This is comprehensive- I don't do bagels either, or cereal or even oatmeal. I listened to my body and permanently changed my eating habits. Basically, I've learned that carbs in the morning make my body and mind crazy, so only by exerting inhuman willpower could I end up having an ok day calorie-wise. So much easier to eat eggs or cheese or steak or tuna--or even nothing--first thing in the morning than to make myself crazy. Those few days a year I go off course in the morning are usually based on a conscious choice about the rest of the day (Christmas morning Julekage) or else some reckless self destructive urge. What I've gotten better at the past few years is planning ahead to make sure I've got the right food in the house for a good start to the day. I'm pretty good about lunches, too. I try to bring a meat and vegetable leftover from home, or else go out and buy a salad. Lately, however, lunch has slipped a LOT. I blame a combination of food trucks for easy access to deliciousness, and the very high stress and unhappiness at work. So this is an area of focus for me. Right now, I've got a fridge full of lunches for the week. I still have a very high emotional attachment to after dinner sweets, and so very often that is my downfall in the calories department. But that is another story. This is about the good stuff.

I try to incorporate vegetables into dinner, and fruits into snacks. I have improved a LOT in these areas in the past couple of years. The fruit push has definitely been driven by the fruit loving family I buy and prepare food for. My brother in law is also a big vegetable guy, wanting leafy (cooked) greens at every single meal. The kids are maturing, and eating some more of the cooked vegetables. I get a bag of overpriced local veggies delivered every other week and I try very hard to make sure they get used up. I'm in Whole foods a couple of times a week. For a while last year, my secret evening wicked snack was blueberries and mascarpone, a quarter cup of each mixed together and savored slowly. I will have to look for when the South American blueberries are coming back. Cherries from Washington state are one of my favorite snacks, and of course there is local peach mania at the appropriate time. Right now, my girl has a thing for pomegranates, and she prepares them and we split 50-50. Try eating a half a pomegranate one seed at a time with a spoon. That can satisfy a non-hunger snacking drive, or at least keep you busy for a good long while. Fruit juice and a crunch and chew. Very satisfying.

I like to exercise. Not always, and often the desire to be a slug is overwhelming, but I know more than just intellectually that I like exercise. I feel it, I want it. This started for me in the early 90's, in my forties. Before that, i liked doing active things, but i specifically did not like "exercise". Now, I do the strength training at the gym, and took the advice of a friend not to give up the one thing that really works for me consistently. And walking is my go-to comfort exercise. Twenty years ago, it would have been inconceivable to put those words together ("comfort" and "exercise"). Now, the reason I've got the one-mile resolution is because I know it works. I sorry I'm not running, and I will try (sorry Yoda) to get back to it, but I know I want to move and today is a good example of exercise to both de-stress and to fuel the creative juices.

I have an increased awareness of how I look, and how clothes look on me, and how they make me look and feel. I have a lot more confidence in selecting my clothes every morning. I put a big mirror in my bedroom a couple of years ago, and I use it. I get rid of clothes I don't like, much more ruthlessly than in the past. If not returnable, screw the money anyway. Launch it to a new life, and stick with stuff I like.

I think and read and write about this stuff, and I've gotten a lot more social about it. While of course I have a lot more private stuff I think and write about, for diet and exercise and general health both being mindful and more social is really good. So thanks, guys.

So I weigh too much. So I'm not as fit as I would like. I still do many more things right than I used to do, and I'm making improvements all the time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tracking on a Wedding Weekend

I'm doing a couple of things to keep me tracking, though not necessarily on-track. First, I'm doing the occasional blog post here, though I haven't really made you any promises, have I? Second, I set up an account on Beeminder, and I set a goal there of tracking seven days a week. I'm doing the tracking through WW on-line cool tools, and it's so easy. I get a text once a day, and respond with a "1" if I tracked every bite, some kind of ration eg 1/3 if I only did some tracking, and silence if I didn't. Because of the way it works, pure arithmetic on a graph and a penalty if you fall below the trend line, I have incentive to track even partial days, and that is keeping me mindful.

Stress is out the top of the roof around here. Work is truly awful and will be for some time to come, with a major problem that is my responsibility. My mother can't remember anything for more than 2 seconds and is very anxious and scared about all that portends (as are we all). My brother-in-law is trying to run his business remotely and is on the phone constantly. The teenager with us sits in an iPhone cocoon, in a world of her own. The older boys have various issues to be dealt with from afar: how do you get cash across the country to the happy go lucky college kid without a bank? MoneyGram! My alarm at 6 am to send a text to the high school kid: Did you wake up to get to your rescheduled AP exam on time? Who exactly is giving you a ride to rural Virginia for the weekend?

And the wedding... Involving two blended families, with step-parents and in-laws and a tiny two bedroom house to be set in order for an unknown number of up to 100 guests, including the governor of South Carolina (and associated security), stress was very very high for my brother. Our job was just to figure out what could be done and do it. Thus the trip to Lowes in my wedding finery, to buy another couple hundred bottles of water for the 90+ degree day.

But everything was beautiful, especially the bride. Happiness welled up from everybody and it was glorious.

But what about me? I tracked to a new highest point total EVER the day before the wedding, and that got me out for a run the last two mornings, to earn back some activity points to try to cover the whole. It didn't, but it's got to help. so taking just a moment to track, so easy, is having an impact.

Uncontrollable Outcomes and Immediate Gratification

I continue to lie on the couch while reading about motivation, self control, and activity. The latest batch of things I've been reading about have been on how to use social and immediate behavioral reinforcement to be more successful at long term goals. Apparently there is always something going on in us called "hyperbolic discounting". This is a very fancy math-based term for how we always prefer the immediate gratification versus the long term goal. An oft cited piece of research is ordering groceries on-line: when ordered for delivery that day, the order is loaded with cookies and snacks. When the same person orders for delivery next week, fruits and vegetables and healthy food dominates. This reflects our future good intentions. There is a constant dialog inside each of us between present me and future me, but present me controls all the actions we take.

This is tied to our difficulty in tying current actions to future outcomes. Today's doughnut will not necessarily affect tomorrow's weight exactly, and just this one has very little impact on our goal weight six months from now. Plus, there is ultimately a very uncertain relationship between eating, activity, and weight- we are not precisely controlled physics experiments. We are learning more and more about how so many more things impact how we take in and use energy and how it translates into fat, muscle and body weight. There is ultimately a long term and imprecise relationship between energy in, energy out, and weight.

But there are many things we can control much more precisely, things which logically will lead to the weight loss outcome. I'm trying to focus on those things I can control in my day-to-day life, and looking for those techniques which make the rewards and consequences of today's choices more immediate and stark.

The 5K run was definitely an epic win. It was a New Year's resolution, and seemed very far off when I signed up for it. If I hadn't been so public about doing it, I certainly would have trained less, especially once the first month or so of enthusiasm and rapid progress had worn off. I probably would have bailed entirely when I got frustrated. But fear of public humiliation is a powerful tool. Still, there were plenty of times when I elected to sit on the couch rather than get down to running. I had plenty of opportunities to make up the time later.

I love technology, and The Internet is filled with plenty of tracking, todo, and goal achievement websites. A recurring theme is to "gamify" the process- make it social, and make it fun, but adopting elements of successful computer games. There is plenty of advice about tying long term goals to short term actions by breaking down big tasks into little ones, and how to apply rewards and penalties. I've just stumbled across a website that has a slightly different take on this: Beeminder. Their plan is to set a long term quantified goal, and then (this is the different part) they plot a course to get there. You then report progress along the way (daily if appropriate), and if you fall off the path along the way-if you defer too much- you have failed and the penalty comes right then. There is clearly a band of variation along a strict path, and you get warning before you fail, but they have some good math behind their ranges and if you fall too far, they have a point where you simply can't get to the end in time.

Their business model is you pledge money for the goal, and you pay them if you fail. They do let you start for free, however, and so I'm playing around with this. Their number one use, of course, is weight loss, but I'm not setting a pounds goal. I'm focussing on things I can do today that I believe will eventually impact that. So, in a very meta use of the tools, I'm starting out to track in Beeminder [link when I'm at a real computer] how successful I am at tracking in WW. This is simply counting how often I track not whether I stay within points. This is very very easy and entirely within my control. But clearly I see a relationship between the tracking and what I eat.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Self-Monitoring

An article I came across this morning reported on a meta-study of behavioral interventions for exercise and healthy eating. A group of scientists, instead of doing a new actual study, compiled many many other studies, and statistically examined the results of them all combined. I skimmed it, and I suspect there is more to it than this, but the headline is that the single biggest predictor of actual behavior change is for people to engage in "self-monitoring".  In other words, if you want to change something, you have to notice if you are actually changing it.

So here's my self-monitoring for this week:
- I did every Couch-to-5K workout exactly as planned.  And blogged them, too. Yay me!
- I tracked in WW all my food and exercise.  I actually did my breakfast and lunches pretty much on time, but had to do catch-ups on my evenings.  It's a very good thing I'm exercising more and logging all that activity because I did not stay within my daily points once all week.  And I clearly start jamming food in my mouth at and after dinner.  CAREFUL with my evenings - got no more willpower left by then. I try to be brutally honest in my retrospective tracking, and was OK after all on my my weekly point total.  My actual commitment is simply to do the logging, and its a bonus if the actual eating is within point totals.
- Eat sitting down:  I only scored about 50% on that. See issue above about evenings. Plus, mornings can be a bit of a scramble.

Overall, I'm VERY happy with my self-obsession (I mean self-monitoring) and how I'm modifying my behavior. However, I'm heading into a rough patch as real life spools up from the holiday slow-down. Both home and work will demand more of me for a while. I've got to get food shopping to plan out this coming week's food, or things will get worse.

Got out

I managed to get out of the building at lunchtime, first time in a while. I hustled through a mile walk, that went through two Smithsonian display gardens (Ripley and National History) and two different sculpture gardens (Hirchshorn and National Gallery). Just exactly a mile, enough to clear my head. How can I not do this? That quick turn was less than 20 minutes and totally worth it.

My Walk

- iPhone uPdate

Small Improvements

Just a quick note to say it really doesn't take much more to at least hit my daily goals. Today I made all three - calories burned, steps, and total active time. I started at the gym, which is a jump start but no guarantee of meeting the goals. I managed stairs at work - I did at least fifteen flights today. I need to work on getting even more into the mix. And I topped it off by walking between my houses - wearing the fabulous new down jacket with the incredibly soft fleece collars and pocket linings.

What is Realistic?

I'm not meeting my own goals and I'm very disappointed in myself. The slugdom continues, exacerbated by a furious pace at work between meetings confined in narrow areas.  As witness, I have my little armband limpet friend who keeps me honest on the activity side. Except for running on the treadmill Saturday, I have not made all three goals for steps, activity time, or total calories burned in over a week. I'm close on my sleep, however, though there is often a period of tossing and turning.

I'm not tracking my food, but that is partly because it is such a sad picture. I'm not wigging out on sweets, it's just too much of everything, and bread more often than I should. For example, yesterday I got a lovely chicken caesar salad for lunch during the break in my all day (window-less) meeting.  Not my usual spot, so while I wasn't surprised by croutons in the salad, I was surprised by the big hunk of tasty french bread served on the side.  And I ate it all.  It wasn't just that it was good, but also it made me crave more carbs for the rest of the day. This is a real effect based on blood sugar responses to carbs, but even if it was just in my head, it comes to the same thing, doesn't it?  I spent the afternoon nibbling until dinner, then restless and mouthy all evening. I had herb tea, and a flavored water, and more herb tea, and remained discontented until morning.

In the past, I have increased my satisfaction by lowering my expectations. Maybe I should just change my goals? What is reasonable to expect of myself?

I'm going to the gym three times a week for strength and fitness and balance training. I was thinking of cutting it back to twice, and substituting running on the treadmill at work. But that is contingent on actually running on the treadmill at work, which I haven't done, so I've kept the third appointment. I have run for short periods on Saturdays. I have not been walking between my two houses in the evenings because I have hated the cold weather. However, I'm trying to get into a winter wonderland mood, and I did just buy myself a fabulous new down jacket that arrived last night. I walked tonight, because I had my peachy new tiffany-blue jacket to wear.  Warm and toasty for those parts of me it covers, at least.

I would like to maintain walking between the houses. I would like to get to the gym at work at least once for a run. I would like to take advantage of breaks in my schedule to climb stairs at the office on days I don't want to venture outside. But I haven't had a good track record this past week (or somewhat longer, truthfully) on meeting those expectations. But I don't want to lower my expectations. I don't think I'm shooting too high, with just those modest additional steps, activities, calories burned.  It is what will make a difference in my losing versus gaining weight.

So I'll start with credit for my little walk this evening, and omit beating myself up for staying close to my desk and focused at work all day.  I'll give myself credit for having brought my lunch to work and eating just that.  We'll just pull a curtain over everything else, and move on to 6 am in the gym tomorrow.

A Day with Sun and Water

Yesterday was a very active day and I'm feeling a bit of the aftermath right now. I started with the gym, and then went directly up to the boat and sailed and then worked on it for a while. I was exhausted when I got home at 7:30 and pretty much just flopped on the couch until going to bed relatively early.

I wore three quarter sleeves, capris and a hat because I was afraid of the sun. I slathered all over before I left the house but still bundled up. It was cold enough on the water with a nice breeze blowing over 58 degree water that this was no burden. Still, I feel today the nice glow of slightly sunburned skin, in just small enough places with small enough severity it feels good.

My magic calorie counting device does not think I burn a lot of calories while underway sailing. I'd probably have to agree with it, yet the fresh air makes me hungry. Something to keep in mind as I move through the summer.  The desire to have a beer to top off the sun and exercise was tremendous, but I just said no because it wasn't in the budget.  It worked out. The beer called more faintly and for a shorter period of time than chocolate seems to.

Today is the garden day. I hope to significantly exceed the calorie burn of yesterday while maintaining the eating discipline - that might be harder because I'll have more eating options all day.  But onward and upward (or downward on the scale I hope).

Progress

I've got some definite progress to report.

This shows my weight from 1990 to the present. Hooray!  I'm on my way down!  But take a look - the pattern shows a steady increase in weight from my low point in late 2000 to the peak just before New Year's.  In fact, the weight range I was last year more than caught up to the trend of where it would have been without the brief 2008 arresting of the trend.  It kind of looks inevitable, doesn't it?

But I think I'd like to focus on the postive here. I can lose weight, and it can take years to come back - it doesn't have to all come back in weeks.  I've spent ten years regaining what I lost in 18 months. Those ten years were worth it.



I like this perspective better for right now. My weight went up last year - and now its going down.  The last time I weighed this weight was January 2009. I can keep on going down past this milestone - by next month, I'll have crossed a new "10-pound" barrier.

The big deal on losing weight is to keep on going.  It is so easy to have a little bit of success, and then relax and give up.  I wrote before about 78 days - the average length of time most people stick to New Year's resolutions. I've beat that average, and I'm keeping going.  I'm going to the gym, I'm logging every bite, and I'm keeping up with the honest appraisal here.

Credit Jan 5

I ate my planned meals today.
I took a small walk at lunch.
I ate sitting down and not too fast.
I recorded all my food.


- iPhone uPdate

Credit today

I ate my planned breakfast.
I ate my planned lunch--and remembered to slow down and savor it.
I took a short walk around the building.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Credit - such an alien concept!

A fundamental part of the approach is to give oneself credit for every little positive step that is made.  It's hard to think such trivial things deserve recognition, but I'm not asked to give them rewards, just recognition.  I may be able to do it - without giving myself so many "good job!"s that they lose all meaning.

So a couple of credit-worthy things I did today:

- played Wii balance games in the morning
- played DDR with C. in the afternoon
- drinking hot tea now, when there is good chocolate in the cabinet.

And of course, started this blog.