Things I don't eat

Whether I'm focused on weight loss or just livin' my life, there are certain foods that are staples for many folks that I go months, sometimes years, without eating.  Since the mid-1990's, my thoughts about food have been away from the mainstream. There are no bad foods, and many folks consider these things I don't eat as healthy choices.  These are not foods I dislike because of how they taste or their texture. These are foods that I have learned are not worth it for me in terms of pleasure I get from eating them versus the way they make me feel shortly thereafter. I'm pleased I've been able to connect the delayed bad feelings with the immediate decision, so I'm making what feels to my gut check like the right choice, rather than an enforced restriction.

I eat these things sometimes, mostly when socializing, traveling, or eating out. They are not on my shopping list, unless I'll be having guests.

• Orange juice, apple juice, grape juice, cranberry juice, lemonade.
• Soda and diet soda.
• Potato chips, corn chips, tortilla chips.
• Crackers.
• Doughnuts, danish, coffee cake, scones, muffins, bagels.
• Oatmeal, breakfast cereal, granola.
• White wine and red wine.
• Sandwich bread, dinner rolls, baguettes, wraps, tortillas, naan.
• French fries, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, boiled potatoes.
• Pasta, macaroni, ravioli, noodles.
• White rice, sushi, rice pudding.
• Pizza (I've never tried a cauliflower crust - doesn't that sound horrible?)
• Any candy that isn't good chocolate.

Giving these things up has not felt like a sacrifice of good things I really want.  I actually like them fine, I just don't eat them, because I am likely to feel bad not too long after eating them. Not sick, but hungry and out of control and maybe a bit nauseous.  I have eaten all these things and not felt bad, but more often than not it leads to bad things. Among other things, they can lead to out of control eating - I've been a 3-slice pizza girl when my intentions were pure to stop after just one.

You will notice that chocolate candy and cookies are NOT on this list.  Nor, of course, ice cream, that best of all possible foods.  I buy these sometimes, eat them out of the house more often, and sometimes that is a problem in terms of how they make me feel and my ability to control my weight.  But I feel if I restrict the other types of indulgences I have, it just takes off my plate whole areas of decision-making I don't need to even think about, and probably leads to better choices overall. So let's set aside my issues about my special treat foods and think about the every day choices above. 

Wiping these things off the list of possible food choices in some ways makes life easier, but in others makes it much harder.  Travelling, for example. Sandwiches are unbeatable for convenience.  On a narrow little tray table on an airplane, to get out my bagged salad in a plastic bowl, fork, knife, napkin, maybe add the salad dressing and try to toss it in an already full bowl without annoying my neighbors is very difficult. Lunches served in conjunction with meetings are often sandwiches. I watched a colleague take his pre-made sandwiches, and methodically set aside the bread, and eat the insides with a knife and fork.  Brilliant! I can do that! Eating out at a Thai or Indian restaurant, presents fabulous choices, all of which involve rice, noodles, naan, or potatoes as integral parts of the dishes. These can't be "forbidden" foods, but I do try to find alternatives most of the time.  I feel better, and my weight is easier to manage, when I minimize them, so the hassle is worth some inconvenience.

Downline, there are foods I would like to eat more often (beans and sweet potatoes and intact whole grains). But those listed at the top of this post are not ever likely to find a regular presence in my house.

Trends

News Flash:  I've officially arrested my upward trend on weight!

This is not unexpected, since I've slashed the carbs mightily for several days. Typically, I'll see a quick drop of several pounds when I do that, and I know it's water.  It's still big news, however, as this trend has been underway for a while. And, it's water, but it's water throughout my body, and already there is a difference in how the clothes feel.  Because it's water, it can go back on just as quickly, but it's still very reinforcing to see.

Trendweight is an awesome free website for those of us who have automatic wi-fi connected scales and weigh ourselves daily (and who don't mind having a random individual who set up the website to amuse himself and benefit others have access to your data).  It uses an engineering formula for damping oscillations in readings to establish the underlying trend.  So presto, with my doing no work beyond stepping on the scale each morning, I get awesome graphs and a reading on the trend available to me.

The individual diamonds are the actual scale readings each day, and the line shows the computed underlying "true" weight. The formula weights the most recent measurements heavier than the older ones, but the older ones matter, so even though my scale and computed weight has been going down for a few days, the formula predicted each day that my weight would continue to increase in the future - until today.

Here is a screen shot of the past four weeks, that includes the trend line I see on the screen.  The dotted line showing the projection is absolutely flat, not going down, but until today it was going up.

The website also gives helpful stats automatically, good reminders.  It calculates how many calories I must be burning versus eating - the effective calorie imbalance - using the established formula of 3500 calories deficit equals one pound lost.  It doesn't measure calories in or calories out - but instead says "you must be in this imbalance or your weight change wouldn't be what it is".  This overcomes many objections to the "calorie is a calorie" debate - it just reports what is the outcome.

Then oh-so-helpfully it predicts when you'll achieve your goal weight at the current rate of progress.  You are all invited to my goal weight celebration on July 10, 2095.  Be there or be square. Ice cream will be served.

UGGH! The REAL Flu!

Did I have Atkins flu on Saturday?  Maybe, maybe not.  But I've got the real flu now, or else a bad cold.  (The internet is dodgy on defining how you can tell the difference. Without a swab, it's a matter of intensity and duration to base a guess on.)  I was exposed to a severe long-lasting crud both at home and at work, so germs did their thing.

I've been very lucky in not having colds or flu much for the past few years. It was getting to the point where I was starting to think my somewhat healthy lifestyle was making me less vulnerable.  In fact, I never got around to getting a flu shot this year - really really stupid of me, since they are free at the office.

So poor little me. Sunday and yesterday was a fever, and yesterday was fewest number of steps in 24 hours my fitbit has ever recorded.  The days have passed in a grey haze. I haven't totally lost my appetite, but certainly have no gumption for cooking. Luckily I had leftovers - including homemade turkey soup - in the fridge.

I am truly pathetic when I'm sick. I'm miserable and sorry for myself and don't care who knows it. You do not want to be around me when I'm sick because I'll just moan about how bad I feel.

I have not used it as an excuse to go to the chocolate reserves hidden in the back room. I'm sticking with Atkins, again proving I can stick to something for about a month without a problem.

I'm still eating my salt though, as an Atkins flu preventative. I imagine it as a streamlined version of popcorn, without the popcorn. I always just want the salt anyway.

Mindful Eating

I believe that one of the pieces of the puzzle that will help me finally stay at the weight I want to be is mindful eating. This is a belief, and it's not yet grounded in any firm evidence.  I'm trying, and I'm seeing hints it is helping, but it's not a slam dunk yet.  I have read a couple of books, Foodist and The Willpower Instinct, and they have helped shape my approach to this.

Mindful eating for me is three parts: Contemplating what I want to eat, paying attention to the taste and texture of what I'm eating, and slowing down by chewing thoroughly and setting the fork down.

The first is something I am seeing some success with.  I'm not eating whatever is lying around by habit, but by gut check.  (Except in the late evenings, when I turn into a voracious non-stop eater -- I will need to tackle this biggest problem area at some point, but not in today's post.)  During the day, when I have choices, I stop and think what I really want. What feels good to me now?  The flaw in this, of course, is often what feels good is ice cream or other sweets, but at least it stops me from opening the freezer and grabbing the ice cream automatically.  Do I really want these nuts I brought for the afternoon snack? Sometimes the answer is "no" and I'm better off for it.  I'm trying to bring hot drinks into the mix - I'm not actually hungry, but I really really want something to eat, so can I drink a pot of herb tea?  This is tied to the "body scan" I learned in my meditation class.  Not what I think it is (the feeling, the craving), but what it actually is.  Observe, don't assume or impose.  Inhabit the sensation, to figure out what it's really telling me.

There is also a technique called "surf the urge".  Rather than push away the idea of eating something you crave, go with it - mentally.  Imagine every detail of getting the item, serving it (unwrapping a candy bar, scooping ice cream) and each bite.  Allow this fantasy to exist, and also gut check if it is as satisfying as you thought at the start.  Apparently, evidence says a vivid imagining of what you are craving actually diminishes the craving.  I've tried this a couple of times, and it may work, I'm not sure. This may be especially effective for me coupled with "Yes, I'm going to have it, just not now.  Later."  If several "laters" get combined into one (brief) bout of indulgence, this would be a net gain.

Then there is the eating itself, with total attention paid.  There is a famous bit of mindfulness meditation training where you are instructed to select a single raisin, and then slowly, slowly, observe it in detail, place it in your mouth and feel it there, finally start chewing. Done right, it can take twenty minutes to eat the single raisin.  (This is done as training, an extreme situation, not as an example of how to always eat!)

Darya Rose, the Foodist with the Summer Tomato blog, ran a five-day mindfulness eating challenge I participated in.  Each day, she sent an email with a link to a short video containing that day's instructions for eating mindfully.  Each day, one meal was picked out to be the mindful one.  Feedback on how it went was shared on a Facebook group.  Through the magic of bots, she is now running this every Monday, and it's free - the link is from her blog.  I'd recommend it as a way to enhance your practice.

Through the video instructions, we separately focused on taste and flavor, texture, the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, and what was happening with our fork.  It certainly succeeded in slowing down my eating, though that never resulted in my eating less - I ate what was on my plate.  It was very very difficult for me to NOT read while eating - because I've lived alone so much, I have a forty-year habit of reading while eating.  But for one meal a day for five days, I stuck with it. 

Now, the after effects.  How to incorporate this into my life?  I am not going to not read while eating!  I enjoy that time.  But I am taking a moment at the beginning of a meal to pause and really appreciate it.  What does it look like? Smell like? Taste like?  Feel like?  

The third part I'm also building into a habit - eating more slowly.  This is fork management, and chewing thoroughly.  I used to scoop food up off my plate as quickly as I could - the second I got a mouthful, my fork was busy with the next bite. I rarely count my chews, except sometimes as a reminder, but I set my fork down, chew till I'm ready to swallow, and only then pick up the fork for the next bite. It takes me at least twice as long to eat now.

Many people say slowing down and thinking about each bite makes them eat less.  Not my experience.  I mindfully ate an entire pint of Talenti Sicilian Pistachio Gelato out of the container, savoring each exquisite bite.   And yes, I had surfed the urge first.  I kept thinking, "I could put this back in the freezer" but I didn't want to. I love this stuff - it is my kryptonite.  And no, I didn't feel sick afterwards.  A pint of this stuff only makes me feel good. 

I am working on portion control, however.  Since I seem to want to eat everything on my plate, I use smaller plates and try to avoid going for seconds. At least I've got laziness on my side when it comes to that.  

Probably a post for another day - engineering my environment to make it easier to make good choices.

Atkins Flu

One of the things that sometimes happens when I go to a severely carb-restricted diet is I get "Atkins flu".  This happens in the first week or so -- head ache, muscle cramps, nausea.  I remember one particularly problematic night in a hotel room in Salt Lake City, very miserable, without remedies available in the middle of the night.   Last night also wasn't so great, at least in the early morning.

Some variations of low carb diets say this is just a natural result of de-toxing.  "The worse you feel, the better it is, because it's all the bad things leaving your body."  This is horseshit.  Something that feels that bad is bound to be bad for you.  This is how we know there is something wrong that needs to be addressed.

I like grainy salt for roasted vegetables, so this has been a staple on my counter for a while.

I actually can't detect differences in taste between different salts, 

but the texture is important to how the dish turns out.

The Atkins folks make it very clear - during the first couple of weeks on their diet, there will be a lot of water loss.  The water is stored throughout your body.  The whoosh of losing water flushes out salt that is also in solution throughout your cells, almost as if you were losing it through sweat.  You have to drink a lot of water, and you have to replace the salt loss.

So when I decided I couldn't toss and turn any more, I got up and consumed very quickly: 2 extra-strength Tylenol, 10 ounces of water, a half cup of coffee, and not quite an eighth of a teaspoon of salt, put in the palm of my hand and licked off.

Now, an hour and a half later, I feel fine.  But the Atkins folks note it is much harder to cure this feeling than to prevent it.  They recommend adding an extra half-teaspoon of salt, or two tablespoons of soy sauce, or a couple of cups of regular-sodium broth, every day above how you would normally cook, for the first several weeks.  I love salt.  I may have learned to like roasted vegetables because they can be covered in grainy salt like french fries.  So I just have to remember to add salt to everything, and don't feel abashed or ashamed of doing it.

Hi Again

This past year has not been a great year for blogging, nor for weight management.  The last post foreshadowed the issues I am still facing, and things have not gone so well on the weight front.  Two days ago, the scale hit a weight twenty pounds over my goal weight, that I achieved slightly more than a year ago.

The Evidence

Clearly, I can't be trusted to make decisions in the moment, and equally clearly, I haven't developed habits that keep me from going too far off track.  So it's back to the tried and true techniques, that require effort and discipline and focus and work, in an effort to stop this trend and wrestle my weight back down to where I want it to be.

Why worry about my weight, when the world seems to be going to hell in a hand-basket around me? How First World of me, to care about how I look and how I feel when there are so many real problems I should be doing something about.  But you know what? While I feel bad, and feel that I look bad, and my clothes don't fit, I feel less effective in everything else I do.  A big portion of my self-image is that I am competent, and out-of-control eating and a sloppy body makes me feel incompetent.  The rest of my life goes better when I feel in control of my eating and thus my body.

Here are the tried-and-true techniques that science tells me should work to create weight loss, confirmed by my own records showing they have worked in the past:

TRACK FOOD

I'm back on board My Fitness Pal, tracking every morsel that passes my lips.

WEIGH DAILY

Of course, I have continued my coming-up-on twenty years of almost daily weighing. It's accountability. My weight will continue to bounce up and down 1-3 pounds a day, so for me daily weighing enables the assessment of trends while avoiding the disappointment that would come from a single weekly weigh-in that happened to be on an "up" day.

HAVE A BUDDY

That would be you, dear reader. Even though you are few, you are vital for my accountability.

CUT THE CARBS

Ultimately, calories matter.  My history tells me the way to cut calories is to cut the carbs. This is sugar, but also bread, rice, pasta, potatoes.  I am following rules:  I am on Atkins induction.  I am apparently a rule-follower, and it is more productive for me to arrest a bad trend by planning a specific length of time to follow a specific set of rules.  I can be 100% for a month, I know that.

COOK VEGETABLES

This morning's breakfast: fried eggs over cabbage and bacon

There are luscious wonderful vegetables.  I like salads, and eat them often, and my body even seeks them out when I'm not following rules.  But cooked vegetables satisfy my soul in a way most salads cannot.  And they bring what carbs I do eat.

MOVE

I continue to go to the gym twice a week (for mostly weight training), run about once a week, and track my steps on fitbit.  Science says you won't lose weight from exercise alone, but combined with a calorie reduction it is helpful, and it's vital for maintenance.  Also, it really helps with that self-image of being competent thing I mentioned above.

I've got a new technique I'm adding to the mix.  I'm not sure of its effectiveness, but my reading indicates it should be helpful:

MINDFUL EATING

I'm personally getting a little bit annoyed with the promotion of mindfulness in everything, and meditation is not the same thing as mindfulness.  I'm a big fan of abstract thinking, planning ahead, and being transported out of the moment by daydreaming.  But that's a rant for a different day. Evidence suggests mindful eating should help with curbing out of control eating both in terms of what I choose to eat and how much of it I eat. I'm thinking mindful eating as I practice it is worthy of a separate blog post.

So guys, I'm going to try to be more frequent and faithful on the writing as try to arrest my upward trend and return to the body I had just fifteen months ago.  I think there may not be so many lavishly illustrated carefully crafted essays as shorter notes about what I am doing and thinking.

Thanks for reading.

No Rules = No Stopping?

I've shown how very self-disciplined I can be, for at least a short period of time.  But now, I want to figure out how to eat for the rest of my life, without having to be that disciplined all the time.  The end of my Whole 30 coincided unattractively with several binges, coupled with two long road trips that disrupted my physical ability to control my diet.  Without rules, and confronted with limited unattractive choices, I ate much more than I intended, and often regretted it even while still shoveling it in.

I've revisited a couple of resources I've used before, notably The Foodist, by Darya Rose.  This is the basic approach I would love to be able to say works for me:  eat only awesome things, when you want, and never feel guilty about the choices you make.  So while also listening to The Willpower Instinct, I'm trying to implement several of the things that Foodists are supposed to do.  This is about behaviors, not specifically about what foods to eat and what not to eat.  I'm trying to figure out what works - where my definition of "working" is keeping my weight no higher (and ideally about 8 pounds lower) than it is right now, without making my whole life be about this.

One key to not having to have an iron will is to create habits so good things just happen without much conscious effort.  To have habits, it helps to have a routine, and with my changed reality (no resident kids, but a declining mother and a second dog) I haven't yet built a good routine.  So I'm trying to do both at once - build a routine that will automatically create space for the healthy habits.

Another thing I'm doing is trying to be mindful.  Because I've tracked my food for years, I figured I probably have a somewhat higher than average awareness of what I eat because I so often track. However, apparently studies show chronic dieters have a wider discrepancy between what they think they eat and what they actually eat than non-dieters, for a couple of reasons. First is dieters continually have good intentions about what to eat, and recall afterwards more of the intention than the actuality. Second is large portions are harder to estimate by looking at them - everybody underestimates the amount of food in a large helping.  I'm probably no better than average, after all.

But the way I'm trying to be mindful now is qualitatively different than tracking. I'm trying to pause before choosing food and serving portions. I'm trying to assess with a gut check if I really want something.  Where I get in trouble is just automatically eating without that check.  I'm trying very hard to slow down while I eat.  I'm finally trying the "chew 20 times" approach to eating, and when I do it, I eat less and feel more satisfied.  Consciously savoring the food while biting and chewing is integral to this - and that tilts in favor of trying for the really awesome foods.

This is really hard for me to do.  I mostly eat alone, and I'm pretty good about eating at a table.  But I almost always read when I'm eating, and that means I'm off in another world while I eat.  When I'm with other people, I'm focused on them.  So I've found myself reminding myself to slow down, chew, and don't load the fork until I've swallowed as I sit down and pick up the fork, and realizing after the last bite I didn't pay attention to a single forkful, just shoveled it in while reading or talking.  So I have maybe a 25% record of being mindful while eating for at least a portion of a meal.  It's a start  - because I actually think this is an effective technique that will work for me.  I'm just not sure I'm willing to give up a 40-year habit of reading while eating to get there.

The thinking before eating is easier, except when I get too hungry or tired and haven't made an easy plan of what to eat (or when my plan no longer appeals, or feels too hard).  I learned during the Whole 30 that I can manage my mornings to actually cook and organize food for the day, but week day evenings remain a huge hurdle.  Now that Sadie (dog #2) has joined the household, mornings are a bit more complicated because she takes more management than Rocky, and Rocky is now jealous of my spending time with Sadie and more insistent he gets his time.  But I can get this back under control.  I did learn very very clearly that the single best thing to make my mornings good is to ensure the coffee pot is set on auto the night before.  I sit and drink coffee while reading the news on the ipad. Now I'm trying to limit the ipad time - I would love to read the New York Times cover-to-cover each morning, after checking email and facebook and a couple of blogs, but I'm not letting myself do that.  Trying, anyway.  It helps that I really don't want to read any election news.

Other techniques:  Cook.  That is the single biggest thing I can do. Cook from scratch, and prepare almost everything I eat myself.  That was the habit made by doing the Whole 30, and I keep trying to keep it going.  For most practical purposes, that means devoting most of a weekend day to the kitchen, and as the weather is approaching my favorite kind of days, this feels like not the best tradeoff.

One thing that stuck in my mind from The Willpower Instinct  is how most people expect they will have more time, fewer distractions, fewer pop up problems at some mythical time in the future, usually about two weeks from now.  As I drifted off from writing this, I thought of cooking today, my plans for doing more cooking just a couple of weeks from now when my immediate issues will have been put to bed, and I won't have to run out to take care of.... things, but will be able to stay home and just cook.  Sigh.  Knowing I've just fallen into a trap doesn't necessarily tell me how to get out of it.  Probably the answer is "just do it now". Start today.

On that note, I think I'll stop blogging and go do something.  But I'll be back, probably in about two weeks when things calm down around here....