Irresolute

No great plans or vows or resolutions coming from me. I've been sick since Christmas, and have spent entirely too much time gazing off into space. There is a difference between mindfulness and mindlessness, and I think I've been in more of the latter for the past few days.

But you can only do what you can do. My body betrayed me, but the silver lining is there:  no New Year's Day bounce up in the weight, since nothing stayed with me and even now most things don't sound good to me, and my stomach capacity is very low. I don't imagine that will last long, but it shielded me from my traditionally weak time, after the holiday work is done but before real life resumes.

And that real life comes back tomorrow. Sigh. I like my job, and I enjoy what I do when I am there most days. Still, if I won the lottery I'd be gone without a second glance. (My odds of winning the lottery are worse than most since I have never bought a ticket.)

I did spend some hours today updating and make new graphs. I'm happy with how I did, diet and exercise-wise, last year. It wasn't great, but I also dealt with some world class life challenges, and I maintained my physical condition overall and maintained-slightly bettered-- my weight. I can't post the graphs now because my computer decided to celebrate the new year by backing itself up and no other business can be conducted right now-this is typed out on the iPad and so is likely to have spelling and punctuation errors.

During a long dog walk today I thought of one resolution. It's only partly thought through, but I want to have a monthly "fitness adventure" to chronicle here. What is a fitness adventure? My hero, Sheryl Yvette, participates in lots of bike and running events. That is the sort of thing I'm thinking of, but I'm more likely to have less ambitious and less structured challenges, mostly things I think up for myself. But something, at least once a month, that is planned and trained for, that is off my beaten path and a bit of a challenge for me.

The Takoma Park 5K is an obvious one, in May I think. My dog will be under activity restrictions for a medical problem through February, so I need to start thinking through what to do before then, sans dog. Bike ride? But it's January, what will the weather be? A hike? An urban hike? An urban outdoor jog? Hmm... If I get on the treadmill now, I could do that before the end of the month. Plot my own 5k round the monuments. Got to get excited and have a near-term objective.

So Happy New Year everyone! What's your resolution?


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I Believe in Dog: Exercise Edition

I acquired the Totes-McGoats of exercise equipment about a month ago. There is no doubt I'm walking much more often and regularly since Rocky moved in. It gets me outside and moving, even when I don't want to. And I always feel better.

Rocky, the Totes-McGoats of exercise equipment.

I've discovered these walks can also act as an appetite suppressant. Aside from the obvious cleaning up after his elimination, there is also the gross stuff he finds by the road and enthusiastically tries to swallow in one gulp. For a fuller account, you can check out the dog tumblr.

Walking is nearly a religion for me, and it is such a delight to have the dog to go with. I've just read that speed matters, and by any measure I just amble along. I do aspire to running again, however, starting in the new year. Sadly, Rocky has some medical issues that will take until at least mid-February to clear up. He will be confined to quarters for at least a month after undergoing some grueling heartworm treatment. I'll have to figure out how I can keep moving. At least it will be the dead of winter, and staying indoors isn't the worst possible thing in February.

Snow! Yet there we are, outside on a walk.

Feeding my habit

It appears I have a Brussels sprout habit. Two or three times a week I have to roast them in olive oil, dose them with coarse salt, and eat them like popcorn. I will find myself running out to the kitchen 2-3 time tonight for "just a few more". There may be a problem with this. But I haven't quite figured it out yet. Except I have to do it furtively, when I'm alone, because my girl refuses to co-habitate with the smell.



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Thanksgiving Bounce

Yikes! I've bounced WAY up from just a few days of unmindful eating. Thanksgiving dinner was magnificent, with many vegetables enhancing the glorious main courses, enhanced by the amusing and loving company. But look at this:


So what caused this? I think I gave myself permission to eat any foods, even those I normally would pass up. All weekend. And I was eating them at any time of the day-normally all starches and sweets are confined to just the end of the day. It's so much easier to follow an absolute rule than to try to be moderately indulgent. And once those sugars get into my system, they want company. The blood sugar rages in my veins and won't let me rest.

So the only way to bounce back down is to strictly adhere to the food plan. I know I can do it, but will I?

I made a run to Trader Joes yesterday, and stocked up on the seasonal goodies, including eight boxes of the worlds best store bought cookie, chocolate covered peppermint joe-joes. (They are what Girl Scout Thin Mints want to be when they grow up.) Following the plan means not opening any of these packages until Christmas week. Do I really want to do that? And then give most of them away. I am ambivalent. And the only way to lose weight is to commit to it. Shall I?


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(From Trader Joes web site)
Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe's
When we first introduced Joe Joe's Sandwich Creme Cookies, cookie lovers quickly came to the same conclusion we'd reached on first tasting -- Joe Joe's were so much better than other, similar cookies, that there was very little basis for real comparison. And so when we've introduced "special" versions of our Joe Joe's (Halloween, Candy Cane), maintaining this standard of quality has always been our top priority. Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe's live up to this standard, and, if you're a fan of the chocolate-peppermint combo, will easily surpass your expectations.

The best way to describe these cookies is to deconstruct them. We start with a creamy, peppermint center, studded with candy cane pieces, sandwiched between two chocolate peppermint wafer cookies. The cookies are bathed in deep, rich dark chocolate. The icing on the cake, so to speak, is the generous sprinkling of even more candy cane pieces atop the dark chocolate. These Joe Joe's masterpieces are only available during the holiday season, bringing tidings of comfort and joy to peppermint and chocolate lovers across the land. But don't delay -- when we run out, it will be 2014 until they're once again available at your neighborhood Trader Joe's. Missing these would definitely add a bit of humbug to your holidays.

Anticipation and Trepidation

I've been taking a class, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.  Pretty much, it's a class in meditation, specifically mindfulness-based meditation, which is one thread of many. I've been meaning to write about it but one side effect of doing the meditation is going quiet. Also taking time to do the meditation, which eats at other time.

The past year has been very stressful for me. I'm in a much happier place at work and with the kids, so now I'm more down to "normal" stress, I guess. But I signed up for the class in the midst of desperation, and decided it was important to develop and practice specific skills that will help as life continues to appear in its full catastrophe.

At first, I loved the formal practice, because it allowed me to go quiet. It gives me techniques to chase the constant rumination, the constant planning, the constant busy-ness of my mind. In fact, I had problems with falling asleep during it!  But as I practiced more, now the underlying emotions come through. I had one experience while meditating where a whole set of feelings I didn't know were there came crashing through like a freight train. The aftermath left me shaken and frankly scared off from the practice. At the very least, I realized I'm playing with powerful forces and shouldn't allow myself to go deep at, for example, lunchtime in my office. So I'm back to it, but cautiously.  We also use movement-based mindfulness, which is easier to sneak in at the office - more of just a stillness that fills me, less of allowing other things to come through as the focus on the movement itself fills every corner.

Today, however, is a big day for the class. I'm off in a few minutes for a seven-hour silent retreat with the class. Yikes! What might happen? I want to totally be there, but there is a lot of trepidation about what might come up.

I am the skeptic, the analyst, the person with always one eye open, checking for the man behind the curtain, how the trick is done. This stuff doesn't seem to have tricks, but it seems to be really effective. We'll see if this is seven hours of boring calm (with perhaps an inadvertent nap) or a life-changing experience.

Can I Rein It In?

Such a confident post a week ago. "I know what to do, now I just have to do it!"  But now we are in the eating season. This time of year is fraught with issues, all conspiring to whisper, "Go ahead, eat it".

The forces are aligned on this. First, the holidays for the next two months are about eating. From Halloween candy, three family birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, how can we not cook and eat together? Of course we will, this is part of what brings us together. Then there are all the other social occasions that ride alongside the major holidays. All get-togethers include food. Then there is the change of the seasons. The days are getting shorter, and with that comes a biological imperative to hunker down, build a layer of fat, and stop burning unnecessary calories because the body expects to be starving by spring. It's not so nice to go outside even in the scarce daylight, as it gets colder and grayer. Lastly, this time of year is fraught with emotional significance. If I'm sad, how about comforting me with apples? That is, apples baked with butter and brown sugar, served over cake with ice cream.

In this century, not once have I lost weight between Halloween and Christmas. Au contraire, my friends, I've usually decided the thing to do is maintain, and ended up in a gain. Faced with all these stark facts, what will I do?

This past week was not according to plan, though I don't regret everything. I had a small amount of Halloween candy (a waste), birthday cake (also unnecessary), and beer and fajitas (simply marvellous). The results are that today is 2 1/2 pounds higher than a week ago. But I spent way less time in the last week than previous ones planning for my eating and preparing food that I think I should eat. I also spent a lot more time sitting on my ass versus moving. Now, I have nothing prepared for the coming week, and I have a limited window to go get focused exercise before the press of the day overtakes me.

I think I have very flawed sense -  if I go off-plan, I shrug and go more off-plan.  Based on my reaction to the food I ate last week (some was worth it, some not) I think I should focus on specific events I will eat differently without going crazy, and try very hard to maintain the 100% on-plan when not at one of those events. I don't want to erode the discipline all over, but I do have to plan for some easy social encounters, where I should just go with what is available.

Tied to this planning and thinking is the clear understanding that it really is what I eat even more than how much that drives both the rest of my eating and whether my body will lose weight.  Four pieces of Halloween candy screw me up. No, it's not so very many calories, but it drives my blood sugar crazy. And it erodes the clear boundaries, and puts me in the territory of making decisions in moment - so very much harder than simply following rules. "I don't eat that" is easier than "how much can I eat".  So stay off the nibbling around the edges. Period.  Plan and prepare. Make rules and follow them.

How about the energy / moving side of the equation? What can I do about that? I don't know, except maybe right now I'll sign off and go move. No vows, no big declarations. Just move now, and see if I can keep moving over the next couple of months.

**Bounce**

There I go, off the rubber floor. Halloween candy, birthday cake, surely those special things don't count?




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