Input

My morning mass endoggenment
I have the ipad and coffee right there,
but it takes two hands to pet two dogs

As our world is burning down around us, I've been thinking a lot about modifying my consumer behavior - both where I spend money and where I get news and entertainment. I've had a ritual for a number of years now, in retirement, where I rise relatively early, let the dogs out while making coffee, and then settle down with my ipad to check in with the world. (First the dogs pile on me for a morning pet fest, topping up my oxytocin levels that decline overnight.) I have my routine: texts (they don't wake me up if they come in while I'm asleep), emails, blogs of people I know in real life. Then, a deep breath and the news. 

The news is bound to upset me, and I've learned to meter my input, checking my arousal level, and sometimes just walking away for a while. But this morning checkin is where I decide on my civic actions for the day. I write or call my federal representatives, or my state and local ones, almost every day first thing. (Not many calls, while I know they are supposed to be more important than emails, but I am very thoughtful in my phrasing in emails.) I might enter comments on some federal or local issue that has a public comment form available. I have a weakness for having to actually research a topic before commenting on it, clicking through to read source documents and think about it, so this is time consuming.

This is my main ipad screen with my news sources,
recently enhanced and rearranged so I can get at my most used
Links to email reps at the bottom

I have subscribed to the New York Times and the Washington Post for years, and since I got the ipad, I actually read or at least skim them every day. I am disappointed in their performance right now, but I still believe they have legitimate investigative journalists doing good work. (Their headline writers, on the other hand, suck.) Not only am I reluctant to deprive myself of these papers' content, but I am willing to pay to support them. I am working with many additional news sources as well, and increasingly I'm paying for them as well.

 I subscribe / pay for Vox, Pro Publica, the Baltimore Banner, the New Yorker, the Atlantic, New York mag, Heatmap, Wired and Rolling Stone. These last two have a surprising amount of relevant investigative journalism right now. I'm considering contributing to the AP - I only just realized it's not-for-profit. Heatmap is a climate newsletter someone I know writes for, I only read it sometimes. I subscribe to a large number of newsletters, most through SubStack, and I pay for a few of them.

I never watched TV news, ever. But I used to live on public radio. I've been contributing since right after college (the tote bag and coffee mug collections have finally been whittled down.)  I owned a radio for every room in my house. On weekends, I would turn them all on to the local station (WAMU, Shout Out!) while I did chores and projects. Now, I have Amaz** Alexas in many rooms, and I can with a voice comment turn them all to the station and hear it as I move throughout the house. But I want to meter my input of upsetting news, not allow random voices to appear and hit me in the gut with something with little warning. And so more often I tee up a podcast from my list, or a book, using the devices as bluetooth speakers for my phone. 

I will also play music throughout the house, either directly with a voice command, or again bluetoothed to  my phone. I also still have my big, dumb, ipod, loaded with many LPs and CDs I loaded into my computer as MP3s. Its battery has no staying power, but I have it plugged into a charger, and wired to a high quality speaker. Often I will put it on random shuffle from my entire collection of songs (about 100 hours worth!) and play it loudly while going about my business. It's pretty much guaranteed that every song on the ipod is something I liked enough to own at one time, and sometimes there is an unexpected pleasure from hearing something I remember only from long ago. Sweet!

Book options

Books are my big thing. I have a kindle and a kobo which are "epaper" readers. I much prefer them to long reading on the ipad - the screen is easier on my eyes and the device is much lighter to hold, and it's a great battery life for travelling. I find the epaper devices seamless to read on, a better experience than the printed page because I can adjust the font size and backlighting to the conditions. I'm trying to unwind myself from Amaz**, and it's hard. The public library offers a kindle option for most of their ebooks, and I usually go that route. In addition, a Prime membership gets me a couple extra free books (limited selection) every month. And many independent authors, self-published, are only available there. The kobo has fallen into dis-use. Recently, Bookshop.org has offered another alternative for buying ebooks. Their website allows you to choose an independent bookstore to profit from sales to you on their site. I've designated "Loyalty Bookstores", located in DC and Silver Spring. But their catalog is not extensive - especially in a back catalog if I find an author I like and want to catch up on all their books. And books bought through them have to be read on my ipad currently, though apparently they are in discusssions with Kobo. I have discovered there are some untethered chrome-operating system generic ereaders made. I was excited, until I researched on Reddit and found they are mostly made in China, system messages are in Chinese, and they require some savvy shenanigans to use. I'll stay tuned, but not ready to purchase yet.

I also listen to books a lot. Audible is the obvious choice there, and I've been on a subscription there since I bought my first ipod. Now the app is on my phone, but I can also download to my kindle, which can save phone battery while traveling. The Audible subscription level I'm on gives me access to a lot of no-extra-cost books, mostly back catalogues or indy authors. The library audiobooks are Libby, which works very well on the phone. I also use Libro.fm, which is affiliated with Bookshop.org and has the same deal of designating a local bookstore to share profits. I am currently also subscribed to Libro, but it has the same issues as Bookshop's ebooks in terms of fewer choices and no back catalog.

I use Goodreads to keep track of my reading, and to get updates from other people. It is owned by Amaz**, and when I finish and rate a book on the kindle, it automatically is registered in Goodreads. Books read elsewhere, or audiobooks, require entering manually. There are other social reading sites, Fable and StoryGraph, which are frankly better. Except, they don't have the automatic updating. I am a voluminous reader, and I like the convenience of the automatic updates. So I'm still on Goodreads for now. If my kindle reading declines, perhaps the convenience factor will too. (Both StoryGraph and Fable allow importing a Goodreads export, which captures all your history up to that point. But, that's a one-time thing and all future books have to input manually.)

John Scalzi has an excellent post that covers the nuances and pains of trying to disentangle from various Evil Empires run by oligarchs.  Two notable quotes: "Boycotts are a fuckin' slog, y'all" and "No ethical living under capitalism is a real thing". I'm sorting my way through the mess. I'm on Facebook and Instagram regularly, where I see posts from people I know in real life and want to keep up with (I post very rarely). But I'm not on Twitter nor Threads, though I have IDs there. I've been a Prime member, and I'm not turning that off right now. But I'm trying to go to other sources for things, with mixed success. Covid tests available for same-day delivery via Amaz** took eight days to arrive when ordered direct from the manufacturer. A maintenance item I needed was only available via Amazon - the manufacturer's website pointed only there. Whole Foods has been my major grocery store (visited more than once a week last year). I've joined the local food coop and checked out Mom's Organic Market (local chain, twice the distance). Both are less convenient - I often would drive to the WF parking lot, where I could also go to the farmer's market, hardware store (employee owned!), CVS, and library all in one trip. Shall I spend more gas driving around for errands? Nuance and trade offs, guys.

BlueSky has definitely hurt my sleep. I've turned on controls on my ipad - BlueSky is limited to 25 minutes a day, and the whole ipad turns off at 10 pm. Controls are easily over-ridden, but at least it's a conscious decision. 

Poor Quality Tears

AI generated image from the prompt
"drawing of poor quality tears"

"Poor quality tears" is a phrase that has been rattling around inside my head, a phrase that can be used as a metaphor in so many ways. My eye doctor diagnosed me with this. When I went to her because I had gummy, sticky, eyes, she diagnosed me with "dry eye" which seemed wrong when my eyes are runny. She explained my tears are very low quality, not lubricating my eyes, and so I over-manufacture them because my brain believes my eyes are dry. I've been crying poor quality tears, full of grief, but not able to articulate exactly why.

My nephew's girlfriend posted this on Bluesky: nothing can possibly prepare oneself for the crumbling sensation of feeling like any and all futures you dreamed of just vanished into thin air. She captured so close to what I've been feeling! Of course, she is young, was on the brink of significant career success, and now in very real danger from our government - it's all come crumbling down for her. I know her tears are the real thing, of very high quality. Her losses are real and significant.

I believe that, for a brief time in the past year, I've been in a golden spot where most things were going well. Kids healthy and on good tracks. Me healthy and wealthy, if not wise. My life was organized, moving along so that I felt I had purpose and pleasure in good proportions. A solid collection of true friends. Living a life full of convenience, comfortable habits that made moving along easy.

Now that has all come tumbling down. The world will not go back to the way it was. I'm mourning the loss, not just of my world of the past year, but also of the trajectory, the future world I imagined was coming. Too much has happened - the future has been changed. Not all of my losses come from the shitstorm that is our political world - the specter of chronic, severe illness is also with us now. I am privileged, mightily. I'm losing convenience and certainty. My life will be fine, though different. But I ache for the young people, for the uncertain future they face, instead of the golden one I imagined for them. I ache for those in real jeopardy, and those whose present has already been blighted. I ache for our world, changing in ways no-one would have believed a few months ago.

I'm angry, and I do what I can to fight. But just for this moment, I'm tired and I'm sad.

———Edited to add a tag from a fired fed in my neighborhood:

“ We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell”

Stories of Stuff

Like most people, I have seasons of accumulation and seasons of divestment. Sometimes, it's even at the same time, I'm chucking and acquiring all at once, in different categories. 

In my fifties, I desperately wanted to renovate my basement, but the huge barrier was getting rid of all of the stuff that had accumulated there, from my several moves and my mother's big downsizing into an apartment. I worked away at it, and finally declared defeat and hired someone to finish the job. "Just get rid of it, and keep it out of the landfill" I said. By then, I had picked through it, and successfully disposed of most items of value. But some stuff I wasn't prepared to sort or part with, and so it all went into boxes to be stored in a shed in the back yard until the renovation was complete. Then, when my beautiful basement was complete, I sorted before allowing anything back in. Much stuff was gotten rid of. The basement was furnished, but uncluttered.

Then, my mother died.  Not tragically, at 92 she was just beginning to fail, but suddenly, and unexpected at that particular time. Among the tasks that fell to me was the cleaning out of her apartment. 

I was pretty organized back when I started in the storage unit

"Gosh, she has a lot of nice stuff! I mean, it's really nice, but it's a lot!" was the universal comment that came from everyone that came in to help. Yes, yes it was. I had embraced the philosophy of minimalism (though not entirely the practices, in fairness). All this very nice stuff. What to do with it?  I wrote about the struggles at the time.

I'm now down to the last remaining items in the storage unit I rented. To get it cleared out, I brought several boxes home, where they are cluttering up my office and spare bedroom. I'm done with most of the sentimentality that made me want to hang on to things. But, I do have sadness for the stories that attach to the objects. I had an idea years ago - about the time I retired, before my mother died, of using a blog as the place to capture the stuff and tell the stories. I even started the documentation when I retired. I had a big box of awards I had gotten at work, and I was never going to hang them up on the wall at home. So I photographed them, and blogged about them, in a separate blog. But I never published it, and shortly after, overwhelm hit me and I never got back to it.

But now I have picked it up again. I have some objects I am going to dispose of, and the blog posts are partly advertisements! Other things, I'll just write about without trying to flog them off on anyone. They may be gone already, anyway.

So, take a look at my Stories of Stuff blog.

 

Quick Trip to California

 I went out to Santa Cruz to assist my girl with some medical and logistical issues. This was my third trip to Santa Cruz, and the second where I stayed in the very lovely seaside motel. I ended up in the exact same room - probably their smallest, set aside for single cheapish travelers. 

The first sunrise, from just outside the room.
Part of the pier washed away just before Christmas!

 

The motel gave us sparkling wine, roses and chocolate
for Valentine's Day!

From the room, I have a view of the ocean (actually, Monterey Bay). With the window open, I can hear the surf and sometimes even the honking of the seals that hang out there. Even though this is the Pacific Ocean, due to the curving of the coastline, my view is to the south east. In February, that puts the rising sun directly in front of my window. As an east coast person, I was awake for every sunrise.

Second sunrise. Absolutely spectacular! I couldn't look away!

 The visit was great! My grown girl is a joy and a delight. We had several great meals, some successful and some unsuccessful shopping for her up coming semester in Australia, and mixed medical updates with a lot of uncertainty. I am now familiar with the area, and when my girl was busy I was able to amuse myself nicely in the lovely seaside town. There is a pleasure in going back to a place - I don't know it well, there is lots still to discover, but there are also known pleasures to revisit. 

 

Surfers! Many, all in wetsuits, shortly before sunset
Taken from the motel garden

We made an excursion down to Carmel-by-the-Sea, a precious rich-people's enclave with galleries and shops that were fun to browse. We amused ourselves looking up houses on Zillow- the cheapest we found, smaller than my small house, was $2 million! There, we had the best meal - a micro brewery that had a terrific fancy vegan bean-and-eggplant burger, and a smash burger for me.

Third sunrise - duller, but the Boardwalk amusement park was lit up!

 

On the beach at Carmel

I was fairly profligate in spending on this trip. My return flight was scheduled to depart at 6:20 am from an airport an hour away from Santa Cruz. I did that which you are advised never to do: pre-paid for a tank of gas to save the time of hunting for an open gas station near the airport at 5 am. (We managed to put 350 miles on the rental car burning a lot of gas; I figure this option cost me only $20 but saved me twenty minutes.)  In addition, when I booked the flights, I was offered an upgrade to first for the smallest increment I've seen. (I have a jillion miles on United because of the affiliate credit card, and charging some college tuition on it.) So I went for it! This was my first time in domestic first class in 25 years. (In my years working at the airline, I often flew standby in first class.) Judgement: nice to have less hassle overall and a bit more space, but truly not worth it.

First class pre-ordered hot breakfast

 

Last sunrise of the trip - fabulous!

Oscars 2025

 In the mood for a little escapism these days. Here's my summary of the noms and what I've seen:

BP=best picture; BD=Best Director; BM=Best Male Actor; BF=Best Female Actor; SM=Best Supporting Male Actor; SF=Best Supporting Female Actor; AS=Best Adapted Screenplay; OS=Best Original Screenplay

I've listed the movies nominated in the categories I care about. It comes to just 14 total. So far, thanks mostly to the heroic efforts of my friend Liz, I've seen five of them. Two I seem to have missed - I'll have to keep checking.

I really like the ones I've seen so far. I notice who has been snubbed and I'm sorry for it. I might have to bite the bullet and try to actually see The Brutalist in the nearby theatre. I'm just never up for such a long haul sitting still. I would do better at home - but will it become available in time? Do I need to do the trip to Bethesda to see Dylan or will it become available? Wicked is available to rent - for twenty dollars! - will it go down in price any time soon? Can I stomach The Apprentice or is it too close to home right now? I'll definitely pay to rent The Substance.

Cardio

I love the routine I have for functional strength training. I've been working with my trainer for years now. When I met her she referred to her "boyfriend", and it was a big deal when she moved in with him (in his parents' house). Now, they are married, own their own house, and have a three year old! Adorably, the three year old is often on the other end of the video call, and she sometimes copies my movements. I love the movements, the strain on my muscles, the stretching and moving in every direction. I work out on my own between our twice-a-week sessions, but for my trainer I work harder than I do on my own. So this is a success, and I won't tamper with it.

But I need to work my heart harder, according to my doctor. I need cardio! She gave me specific targets of time and effort: twenty minutes of high intensity exercise five times a week!

I have not enjoyed high intensity exercise for a few years. I used to love it! My first brush with using machines, the basement Nordic Track, was the first time I consciously felt how good the body feels during and after working hard. It can be exhilarating! I believe the machine got me to a high enough cardio fitness level that finally I could start running. And I loved running! No, not every day, and not ever for the first 10 minutes. But the way it made my body feel was great! 

I was an early adopter of a heart rate monitor, back in 1998. I'd read about appropriate training intensities, and here was a gadget to help! My first one had a chest strap and a watch that displayed time, heart rate, and elapsed time. Nothing else- GPS hadn't downsized to live on wrists yet, and phones were flips that couldn't even text. I propped the watch up on the Nordic Trak so I could see it all the time. I learned that perceived effort each day did not tie to heart rate - I could feel like I was pushing myself to the limit, but some days the ol' heart just didn't want to pump fast. Interestingly (to me, any way) the day before I got sick was always a day the heart was sluggish.

I also learned that walking didn't get the heart rate up high enough to be in the high intensity zone. Nordic Track, swinging my arms in time to my legs, quickly did raise the rate. A walk has many benefits, but I cannot hustle enough to accelerate the pumping of my heart. Only uphill - which in the absence of a mountain to climb, is always going to be brief - begins to approach my target zone. My first tentative jogging steps taught me there is no comparison to walking - my heart got excited and pumped away! The mechanics of walking and running are really distinct from each other (jogging is simply slow running - no technical difference). I might be a slow AF runner, with young men passing me while walking, but the cardio benefits are real even at my pace.

When I stopped running, I stopped ever exercising in that intense zone. The last year I ran anything more than a token amount was 2019. My Nordic Track had long been retired, in a dusty heap in a corner of the basement. I still did small amounts of cardio on the machines in the gym, but that all came to an end in March 2020. 

But now I have machines galore! My BIL lent me (effectively gave me) his long-unused stationary bike. I bought a rowing machine in January 2023, and used it a lot the first couple of months, and only intermittently afterwards. I started up again this autumn, since I started on this cardio bout, and also because now I have a friend who is also starting to row. I have a mini-trampoline, which I use to bounce a bit in front of the TV. But on the tramp, I can't get going enough to get the heart rate high - my balance isn't what it was, and so I don't have the exuberance I used to, not getting a lot of air on the bounces.

Detailed stuff about heart rate:

When I first started using the heart rate monitor, I used the classic formula for maximum heart rate: 220 minus your age in years. So I was about 45, and my max heart rate was calculated to be about 175. There is a formula more accurate for old people, seventy percent of your age subtracted from 208 (208-(age*.7)). The two formulas give the same answer for age 40 and from then on the "208" formula gives a higher number as your max heart rate, and is said to be more generally accurate.

The reason for knowing your max heart rate is to be able to calculate training intensities. Cardio benefits really kick in at the higher intensities, 75-85% of max. Fat burning benefits kick in at somewhat lower intensities, 65-75% of max. 

But here's a wrinkle I only just learned - biking (an exercise that doesn't use your arms) will lead to lower heart rates than running (a whole-body exercise), but can yield big benefits at a lower number. Who knew? 

But I found that even though I was working very hard on the rowing machine, my heart rate (on the Apple Watch) was consistently lower than on the bike! I was confused, because the rower certainly uses my whole body. Was it a measurement error from the watch? I googled "why is my heart rate so low on a rowing machine" and found links into Reddit, where this very question was being addressed by the helpful nerds who hang out there. Basically, they said we must be using the wrong technique. We must be using our back and shoulders more than our legs, which is inefficient.

So here's the rowing technique tips in english: the first part of the motion is pushing back explosively with your legs. During that, your hands and arms are just along for the ride, with your legs doing the work to pull the bar you are holding. Only after your legs are fully extended should you lean back, and in the final part of the stroke use your arms to pull the bar up to your chest. The return is rest, no effort expended. And, do not try to go faster by returning faster! That should stay the same, a passive ride, until the legs are bent and you can explode back again. The faster you push back, the more strokes per minute. But strokes per minute doesn't need to get too fast; instead, raise the resistance.

So I tried that one morning, and the difference in my heart rate was signficant! I went up to a higher zone quickly, and stayed there the whole time. And felt my whole body aerobicized afterwards, a great feeling! It feels like a break through!

Stronger Next Year

My gym! Rowing machine along the back.
I just installed the bar to help with balance exercises.

I did not have a great year physically. It started with recovering from my knee surgery, carried on through a summer of increased migraines and still not up to snuff on my knees, and crashed and burned as a result of my vigorous (but fun!) sailing vacation, where I injured my rotator cuff and generally burned out my whole body.

Through it all I tried to keep moving and working out in my basement gym. (I love my basement gym, and I enjoy working with my personal trainer there.) But there were definitely days on the couch where I hardly left the house. I felt old. I felt feeble. I was fat, and nothing I did seemed to affect that. I woke every morning feeling like the Old Red Woman, bent over, stiff, wobbly, and in pain. I felt frustrated that my body was so frail. I was preparing myself for a new reality of being old and feeble. I told myself that I actually was old, almost seventy years old. Any time there was a news article that another celebrity had died, the first thing I did was check their age. So many of them younger than me!

But by late fall, I felt myself getting better. Stronger. More capable. Actually doing things. Feeling competent and capable. Walking still did not feel good, but I adjusted and spent more time in my home gym working with weights or my rowing machine or on the stationary bike my BIL gave me. I went back to the mental disciplines I had learned over the years of dealing with pain, meditating and observing the pain with kind curiosity. I had some adventures, on the water and on the scoot. I had some actual good days, where I woke up feeling good. Not stiff. Not bent over. Not feeble. Ready to face the day, get out there and do things.

The election results hit me like a gut punch. As I got out of bed the following morning, I was initially fine, but by the time I had walked the length of the house to let the dogs out, my back had tightened into a full fledged spasm. SPROING! I was bent over, leaning on furniture like a toddler doing her first cruise around the house. I pulled out my tool kit, things I know, deep down in my body and mind, to be true. First, mentally: "there is nothing wrong with you. You are safe. You are fine. Yes, the back is clenched, but it's not broken. Yes, the world has gone to shit, but you are safe. Your body is safe." Then I started my series of exercises/ stretches that I know deep down are going to help. I also reached for the tylenol, because comfort is an important part of feeling safe. 

This worked! It took a couple of weeks - the back clenched every morning for a while - but it got fainter, and gradually went away.

Around this same time, my primary care doctor told me that based on my testing, I have great lung capacity and a strong heart, but I have shit endurance. She prescribed aerobic exercise, specific amounts at specific heart rate levels of effort. The next week, my neurologist reinforced this - certain levels of aerobic exercise seem to have a protective effect on migraines.

The view my trainer has from my phone while we video.
I have all the toys! I bought my first weights in 1995,
and I've been adding equipment ever since.

So I'm all in on the cardio now, added to my twice-weekly strength training and daily warm up stretches. I have the devices to keep me going indoors this winter- a rowing machine, a (bottom-of-the-line no bells-or-whistles) stationary bike. I have a mini trampoline in front of my TV. And I dusted off my original, built of wood in Minnesota, Nordic Track ski machine from 1993! Using the NT was the first time in my life I enjoyed indoor cardio, back in the day. It needs refurbishment, but it turns out that while the old ski machines are no longer made, there are enthusiasts and through a sub-reddit I found a guy who sells refurbishment kits with the most common replaceable parts! It's on my list to get it fixed up - probably a few hours work.

I found that walking can't get my heart rate up high enough to meet my PCP's exercise prescription. I try hustling along, but the heart stays stubbornly beating slowly. Only up very steep hills does it go up- and I can't currently sustain that for long enough. This all may change as I get more aerobically fit.