Poor Quality Tears

AI generated image from the prompt
"drawing of poor quality tears"

"Poor quality tears" is a phrase that has been rattling around inside my head, a phrase that can be used as a metaphor in so many ways. My eye doctor diagnosed me with this. When I went to her because I had gummy, sticky, eyes, she diagnosed me with "dry eye" which seemed wrong when my eyes are runny. She explained my tears are very low quality, not lubricating my eyes, and so I over-manufacture them because my brain believes my eyes are dry. I've been crying poor quality tears, full of grief, but not able to articulate exactly why.

My nephew's girlfriend posted this on Bluesky: nothing can possibly prepare oneself for the crumbling sensation of feeling like any and all futures you dreamed of just vanished into thin air. She captured so close to what I've been feeling! Of course, she is young, was on the brink of significant career success, and now in very real danger from our government - it's all come crumbling down for her. I know her tears are the real thing, of very high quality. Her losses are real and significant.

I believe that, for a brief time in the past year, I've been in a golden spot where most things were going well. Kids healthy and on good tracks. Me healthy and wealthy, if not wise. My life was organized, moving along so that I felt I had purpose and pleasure in good proportions. A solid collection of true friends. Living a life full of convenience, comfortable habits that made moving along easy.

Now that has all come tumbling down. The world will not go back to the way it was. I'm mourning the loss, not just of my world of the past year, but also of the trajectory, the future world I imagined was coming. Too much has happened - the future has been changed. Not all of my losses come from the shitstorm that is our political world - the specter of chronic, severe illness is also with us now. I am privileged, mightily. I'm losing convenience and certainty. My life will be fine, though different. But I ache for the young people, for the uncertain future they face, instead of the golden one I imagined for them. I ache for those in real jeopardy, and those whose present has already been blighted. I ache for our world, changing in ways no-one would have believed a few months ago.

I'm angry, and I do what I can to fight. But just for this moment, I'm tired and I'm sad.

———Edited to add a tag from a fired fed in my neighborhood:

“ We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us. – Joseph Campbell”