I keep losing the same pound over and over. I bounce up a pound or two, then bounce back down. MyFitnessPal, the weight and calorie tracker I'm using, proudly announces to the world, "Nan has lost 1.2 pounds since her last weigh-in and 0 pounds so far!" Then it falls silent for those days it is bouncing back up.
But I keep plugging away. There is no magic bullet. Just a series of small choices over and over again.
I've added a new trick to the toolbox, over the last couple of unseasonably warm weeks. On several mornings when I haven't had early gym appointments, I've kept the alarm at the same 5 am time and head in to work early. As I drive in the sun rises, and as a bonus the time enroute is nearly 10 minutes less. When I get to the garage (in the basement of my building), I leave everything in the car and head out for a walk. I work on the National Mall, a place tourists come from all over the world to see. I have my choice of looping towards the Capitol or the Washington Monument. Just a half hour or so, but it does so much for my spirits. Most people out are runners, and I long to join them but I'm in my work clothes. It helps absorb some of the continuing stress in the office, to get the fresh air. I don't so this every opportunity I have but sometimes.
A few evenings I've walked on the treadmill while watching tv on my iPad. Once I walked in the morning while reading the paper, but I like outside just after dawn better.
Tonight I pulled an older tool from the box and walked between my house and the kids. Crisp and clear and better than nothing.
Food has been good this week. I've found a new dedication to trying to make decent dinners for the family. I'm wanting to have them eat the way I want to eat, rather than my cooking what I think they want to eat. More vegetables. Less rice pasta or potatoes. Cauliflower braised in beef broth instead of mashed potatoes. That's another old trick pulled out for the occasion. Actual cooking, not just hearing something up.
An apple every day before dinner. Keeps the portions down and resists the kids junk food lying about. I brushed my teeth early tonight to make sure I was done with the snacks.
Small tricks. Keep plugging away.
- iPhone uPdate
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Reckless Abandon
Tracking my eating in detail is useful; being brutally honest about what I've consumed is essential. But it can't stop me from consciously choosing to eat destructively.
It happened again last night. What am I thinking when I do this? My recollection is feeling reckless, almost giddy, the way I imagine an alcoholic must feel. I want this, I deserve this, no, rationally I know I don't deserve it, I just want it and I don't care. I am going to eat this because I want it and I shouldn't have it. I am just going to press the accelerator to the floor, head for the cliff and not worry about what comes next. I am choosing to subvert my future. It's why I do it. I don't want to be careful. I want to close my eyes and jump.
Yikes! I suppose I should be glad my self destructive urges happen in thousand-calorie gobblings of minimally harmful substances, rather than something more drastic with actual severe long term consequences. But it sure would be nice if my need to fling myself overboard manifested itself in running till I dropped instead. It is the same mindless suppression of self I'm aiming for.
What can I do when I get like this? I could try to get physical - put the dog on the leash and head outside (not likely in the cold and dark) or go to the treadmill in the basement. I could turn on really loud music and dance (if only I could dance). I could just go to bed. When wound up like last night, though, I'm less likely to go under as soon as my head hits the pillow. Maybe I could try writing, try to capture what I'm feeling and probe beneath the urge.
I'm not sure any of these approaches are viable, since almost by definition when I do this I am physically fatigued and emotionally drained, with very little reserves left. My reading on willpower indicates a tough week has used up physical reserves and low blood sugar makes it even harder to make rational choices - my body knows it needs sugar to be mentally and emotionally sound again. That would help explain my self-destructive weapon of choice.
It doesn't take a thousand calories to restore those reserves, but once I began eating last night, putting on the brakes seemed unimaginable. I put my food in a bowl in a feeble if valiant attempt to slow the onslaught, but four times I went back and re-filled the bowl. I remember even thinking, "I don't really want this but I'm going to do it" as I walked to the kitchen, filled with wicked glee (not full enough, apparently) and appalled at myself at the same time. I did stop before the bag was empty, unusually, realizing eating more would likely make me actually sick.
This morning, the magic food logging app on the iphone took a shot of the bar code and I added up the damages. The sight of more than a thousand calories shocked me - if asked, I would have estimated half that, though I didn't even look last night. So that's another technique I could try - log it before I start, so as the refills add up I've got the actual data starkly in front of myself. This magic app every day estimates the impact of a day like I just finished on my future weight - if every day were like yesterday, in five weeks I would weight 10 pounds more than I did yesterday. Oh my.
It happened again last night. What am I thinking when I do this? My recollection is feeling reckless, almost giddy, the way I imagine an alcoholic must feel. I want this, I deserve this, no, rationally I know I don't deserve it, I just want it and I don't care. I am going to eat this because I want it and I shouldn't have it. I am just going to press the accelerator to the floor, head for the cliff and not worry about what comes next. I am choosing to subvert my future. It's why I do it. I don't want to be careful. I want to close my eyes and jump.
Yikes! I suppose I should be glad my self destructive urges happen in thousand-calorie gobblings of minimally harmful substances, rather than something more drastic with actual severe long term consequences. But it sure would be nice if my need to fling myself overboard manifested itself in running till I dropped instead. It is the same mindless suppression of self I'm aiming for.
What can I do when I get like this? I could try to get physical - put the dog on the leash and head outside (not likely in the cold and dark) or go to the treadmill in the basement. I could turn on really loud music and dance (if only I could dance). I could just go to bed. When wound up like last night, though, I'm less likely to go under as soon as my head hits the pillow. Maybe I could try writing, try to capture what I'm feeling and probe beneath the urge.
I'm not sure any of these approaches are viable, since almost by definition when I do this I am physically fatigued and emotionally drained, with very little reserves left. My reading on willpower indicates a tough week has used up physical reserves and low blood sugar makes it even harder to make rational choices - my body knows it needs sugar to be mentally and emotionally sound again. That would help explain my self-destructive weapon of choice.
It doesn't take a thousand calories to restore those reserves, but once I began eating last night, putting on the brakes seemed unimaginable. I put my food in a bowl in a feeble if valiant attempt to slow the onslaught, but four times I went back and re-filled the bowl. I remember even thinking, "I don't really want this but I'm going to do it" as I walked to the kitchen, filled with wicked glee (not full enough, apparently) and appalled at myself at the same time. I did stop before the bag was empty, unusually, realizing eating more would likely make me actually sick.
This morning, the magic food logging app on the iphone took a shot of the bar code and I added up the damages. The sight of more than a thousand calories shocked me - if asked, I would have estimated half that, though I didn't even look last night. So that's another technique I could try - log it before I start, so as the refills add up I've got the actual data starkly in front of myself. This magic app every day estimates the impact of a day like I just finished on my future weight - if every day were like yesterday, in five weeks I would weight 10 pounds more than I did yesterday. Oh my.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Closet Makeover Part 2: The Reaping
I thought I had been through all of my clothes last year, but actually I got pretty tired before I got to the back of the closet, and there was a bunch of stuff I just hung onto for no particular reason. Plus, there was stuff in the guest room closet I had totally forgotten about. Now, I've been quite rigorous on the hanging clothes for my spanking new closet.
My hanging clothes are for work and the rare festive event. (My play clothes are folded in drawers.) What I wear to work each day is tailored pants, a knit top, and a blazer or sweater. Sometimes a men's style shirt. I wear a necklace every day or (rarely) a scarf, and a lapel pin on the blazer. I swore off heels more than a decade ago, though I left a pair of pumps in my desk in case I ever got to meet the president. Then I did actually meet the president, and I didn't wear the pumps, so that is that for heels forever for me. In summer, women in DC do not wear hose, and this summer especially I wore dresses with bare legs fairly often, with sandals when my toes are painted and ballets when not. Now I have a pair of boots so I can continue to wear the longer dresses without needing hose. I do, however, wear "shapewear" under my dress.
I find I make the same fashion mistakes over and over. I have bought not one, not two, no, even more, FIVE long cardigan sweater/jackets. The ones that hang down to mid-thigh. It turns out, they make me look like a huge knit pear, totally accentuating my hips and rear end. So I wear the sweater once, am uncomfortable whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I put it in the back of the closet, and forget I have it. They look so good in the catalogs! But I think I've finally learned my lesson. I've put all of them in the box to give away.
When I find something I like at a nice price, I go to town on it. I've got a dozen silk knit tops from Jones NY, mostly in shades of taupe, grey and black. They come back from the dry cleaner on hangers, but I'm going to put them folded on a shelf or in a drawer, now, I think. The better to see them each day. I am out of the dry cleaner habit, and I've also got an extensive collection of cotton tees. But frankly, the cotton ones are old, they really ought to be ironed but I don't iron them, so I think I may try to wear the silk ones more often, as an alternative to buying a bunch of new cotton ones, which would still need ironing. When I get to organizing the drawers I should just dispose of the older tees. (I did get rid of a bunch of them in last year's purge, but that was a while ago now and they are looking more worn all the time.)
I used to wear a cotton men's style shirt most days. I had them laundered (light starch, hangers) and liked the way they looked. Now, going through them, they seem huge. Not that I've gotten smaller, but current styles are more form fitting. I think most of my clothes are timeless classics, and yet there is that indefinable air of the width of the collar, the shaping of darts, that make things out of date. I've kept a couple of the old, big, shirts to wear as over-shirts for more casual events - no starch, but ironed. My new shirts are more slim-fitting, and are truly wrinkle-free from the dryer (as long as I hang them while still warm).
Blazers and pants get into winter and summer issues. When I assembled my trousers, I had twenty pair of wool slacks! Some of them are a decade or more old - from previous times I've been near this weight. After trying them all on, it was only down to 15 pair. With the couple of pounds I've added back, some that I thought would be big are somewhat more comfortable than a couple of pair that are very slightly too tight. I'm keeping the small ones, but I put them in the back. It's still more pants than I need, but I can't quite make myself get rid of any more, at least not yet. When I sorted by color, I have a bunch of very dark navy (I had to take them outside to natural light to be sure and I wrote on their labels with a laundry marker), a bunch of grey and tweed, but no pair of actual black pants (the only black ones I have are polyester summer weight). The problem is I have six good quality blazers that work with black, and only one of them will work with navy (all but one will work with grey). I've also got some browns in the pants, and couple of blazers that work with them, one a tweedy brown and one sage green. I've got several fancy sweaters with sage green in them that also work with the earth toned pants.
I don't wear skirts, but I have more than half dozen of them, from probably a decade ago. They are all fairly similar -lots of navy, mostly rayon - and they would work well in the summer. But how many skirts looking very similar do I need? Not that many. Especially not when I wore none last summer.
So basically, I own too many clothes but not all the right ones. How could I possibly buy another pair of wool trousers, just so I have a black pair? How can I go buy a blue-toned blazer when I've got more than enough jackets in the closet already? Now that I've got all this stuff assembled, sorted, and out where I can see it, I think I should work with it for a while before making any more moves. No buying (yay, my wallet) and no more getting rid of something that fits, not until I've tried wearing it first.
Plus, I might lose those 15 pounds and need all new pants! (It could happen.)
My hanging clothes are for work and the rare festive event. (My play clothes are folded in drawers.) What I wear to work each day is tailored pants, a knit top, and a blazer or sweater. Sometimes a men's style shirt. I wear a necklace every day or (rarely) a scarf, and a lapel pin on the blazer. I swore off heels more than a decade ago, though I left a pair of pumps in my desk in case I ever got to meet the president. Then I did actually meet the president, and I didn't wear the pumps, so that is that for heels forever for me. In summer, women in DC do not wear hose, and this summer especially I wore dresses with bare legs fairly often, with sandals when my toes are painted and ballets when not. Now I have a pair of boots so I can continue to wear the longer dresses without needing hose. I do, however, wear "shapewear" under my dress.
I find I make the same fashion mistakes over and over. I have bought not one, not two, no, even more, FIVE long cardigan sweater/jackets. The ones that hang down to mid-thigh. It turns out, they make me look like a huge knit pear, totally accentuating my hips and rear end. So I wear the sweater once, am uncomfortable whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I put it in the back of the closet, and forget I have it. They look so good in the catalogs! But I think I've finally learned my lesson. I've put all of them in the box to give away.
When I find something I like at a nice price, I go to town on it. I've got a dozen silk knit tops from Jones NY, mostly in shades of taupe, grey and black. They come back from the dry cleaner on hangers, but I'm going to put them folded on a shelf or in a drawer, now, I think. The better to see them each day. I am out of the dry cleaner habit, and I've also got an extensive collection of cotton tees. But frankly, the cotton ones are old, they really ought to be ironed but I don't iron them, so I think I may try to wear the silk ones more often, as an alternative to buying a bunch of new cotton ones, which would still need ironing. When I get to organizing the drawers I should just dispose of the older tees. (I did get rid of a bunch of them in last year's purge, but that was a while ago now and they are looking more worn all the time.)
I used to wear a cotton men's style shirt most days. I had them laundered (light starch, hangers) and liked the way they looked. Now, going through them, they seem huge. Not that I've gotten smaller, but current styles are more form fitting. I think most of my clothes are timeless classics, and yet there is that indefinable air of the width of the collar, the shaping of darts, that make things out of date. I've kept a couple of the old, big, shirts to wear as over-shirts for more casual events - no starch, but ironed. My new shirts are more slim-fitting, and are truly wrinkle-free from the dryer (as long as I hang them while still warm).
Blazers and pants get into winter and summer issues. When I assembled my trousers, I had twenty pair of wool slacks! Some of them are a decade or more old - from previous times I've been near this weight. After trying them all on, it was only down to 15 pair. With the couple of pounds I've added back, some that I thought would be big are somewhat more comfortable than a couple of pair that are very slightly too tight. I'm keeping the small ones, but I put them in the back. It's still more pants than I need, but I can't quite make myself get rid of any more, at least not yet. When I sorted by color, I have a bunch of very dark navy (I had to take them outside to natural light to be sure and I wrote on their labels with a laundry marker), a bunch of grey and tweed, but no pair of actual black pants (the only black ones I have are polyester summer weight). The problem is I have six good quality blazers that work with black, and only one of them will work with navy (all but one will work with grey). I've also got some browns in the pants, and couple of blazers that work with them, one a tweedy brown and one sage green. I've got several fancy sweaters with sage green in them that also work with the earth toned pants.
I don't wear skirts, but I have more than half dozen of them, from probably a decade ago. They are all fairly similar -lots of navy, mostly rayon - and they would work well in the summer. But how many skirts looking very similar do I need? Not that many. Especially not when I wore none last summer.
So basically, I own too many clothes but not all the right ones. How could I possibly buy another pair of wool trousers, just so I have a black pair? How can I go buy a blue-toned blazer when I've got more than enough jackets in the closet already? Now that I've got all this stuff assembled, sorted, and out where I can see it, I think I should work with it for a while before making any more moves. No buying (yay, my wallet) and no more getting rid of something that fits, not until I've tried wearing it first.
Plus, I might lose those 15 pounds and need all new pants! (It could happen.)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Closet Makeover
I've just had a closet makeover - literally. Not the clothes in the closet, but the closet itself.
My house was built in 1950. It's actually really modern for a house built then - there are definite Frank Lloyd Wright influences in the pitch of the roof, the size and placement of the windows, and the open plan with a tiny cramped kitchen.
So no surprise the closet was a single 80" long rod (with very big, if somewhat inconvenient, storage above). So last weekend I moved everything out, and just now, got convenient stuff installed.
First came the demo - I had to pull out the shelf and doors. In addition to pulling off the folding doors on the closet, and the sliding doors on the shelf, I took off the door to my bedroom because when it's open, it blocks the closet. (A peculiar "modern" touch of my house is the trim around the interior doors is not woodwork, but one piece of molded metal. It has the hinge for the door melded in. so I can't switch which side the door opens on. It's a complete rectangle so to take it out completely requires ripping up the hardwood floor. Either of those is beyond the scope of this quickie project.) Demo is fun, but hard work. It took some hours with a hammer and saw, but was very satisfying.
On Sunday, we painted. We did such a nice job the closet installers came in, took one look, and called up the office to say they had time to fit in another job because this one would be so quick.
So now I have this great space, and I need to decide how to organize things, and what to put in there. I've also bought a new small Ikea dresser, and pretty much the rest of the weekend will be spent going through all my clothes and deciding what to keep.
When I emptied the closet, I tossed it all into the guest room, and hung a few things in the closet there. I knew I already had a couple of things hanging there, things I hadn't decided to get rid of but knew I wasn't likely to wear. It turns out it was a lot more than a couple of things. I went through some of it during the original emptying out, and filled one big box of things to give away. But I don't want to hang up anything in my new closet I won't want to wear, and so this will be a slow process. It might also require a trip to The Container Store (I love The Container Store!) to get some good looking boxes to put things in.
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to put doors on this closet, but I'm torn on the door to my room. I live alone, and normally sleep with it open. But I do have guests, so there is a need for privacy. I'm contemplating a nice Roman blind that can be lowered down from inside the room. I may also want sliding fabric panels to be able to hide the closet contents, but I'm less sure about that.
The best answer for a tiny house like mine is pocket doors, but the wall I'd want to pierce for the pocket door is load bearing. To put a sliding over-the-wall door would still involve complications - when open, a sliding door would cover the thermostat and two light switches. This is all fixable, but like changing my door jam it scales the project up from a few hours and a few hundred dollars into skilled renovation work.
This is stuff that is fun, and easy to think about when on the treadmill or otherwise engaged.
Off to shop at my funky local small businesses!
 |
| Before |
So no surprise the closet was a single 80" long rod (with very big, if somewhat inconvenient, storage above). So last weekend I moved everything out, and just now, got convenient stuff installed.
 |
| Demo |
 |
| Prep |
 |
| Ready |
When I emptied the closet, I tossed it all into the guest room, and hung a few things in the closet there. I knew I already had a couple of things hanging there, things I hadn't decided to get rid of but knew I wasn't likely to wear. It turns out it was a lot more than a couple of things. I went through some of it during the original emptying out, and filled one big box of things to give away. But I don't want to hang up anything in my new closet I won't want to wear, and so this will be a slow process. It might also require a trip to The Container Store (I love The Container Store!) to get some good looking boxes to put things in.
 |
| Ready to fill |
The best answer for a tiny house like mine is pocket doors, but the wall I'd want to pierce for the pocket door is load bearing. To put a sliding over-the-wall door would still involve complications - when open, a sliding door would cover the thermostat and two light switches. This is all fixable, but like changing my door jam it scales the project up from a few hours and a few hundred dollars into skilled renovation work.
This is stuff that is fun, and easy to think about when on the treadmill or otherwise engaged.
Off to shop at my funky local small businesses!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Walking
Twice this week instead of flopping on the couch to read the paper first thing in the morning, instead I went down and walked on the treadmill while reading the paper. I went all digital on the NY Times and it's easy to prop my iPad on my treadmill. Selecting articles and flipping the pages while walking is do-able, though I don't think it would work while running.
I had a couple of medical appointments this week and the empahsis on exercise was notable. Not just for my body, but for my mind, and for stress. So I'm trying to find the gumption to get back into running. This walking is just the first step, and better than nothing. "Better than nothing" is my new mantra.
Sadly, my knees hurt badly. I hurt the left one on the ladder cleaning my gutters before the hurricane - a sudden snap and I couldn't bend it for a couple of days. With the enforced inactivity it was fine three days later, but now that pain is back, layered with arthritic pain in both knees. This morning's gentle walk (half an hour at 3.2 miles per hour) was fine so far. But it's a potential obstacle to running.
One of the articles in the Times this morning says about exercise "more intense for shorter is better". They were discussing longevity specifically, but subjectively, I tend to agree for my immediate benefits. I want to get the heart rate up and get me some endorphins.
But something is better than nothing. And I can feel the blood moving faster than the couch alone would have done.
I had a couple of medical appointments this week and the empahsis on exercise was notable. Not just for my body, but for my mind, and for stress. So I'm trying to find the gumption to get back into running. This walking is just the first step, and better than nothing. "Better than nothing" is my new mantra.
Sadly, my knees hurt badly. I hurt the left one on the ladder cleaning my gutters before the hurricane - a sudden snap and I couldn't bend it for a couple of days. With the enforced inactivity it was fine three days later, but now that pain is back, layered with arthritic pain in both knees. This morning's gentle walk (half an hour at 3.2 miles per hour) was fine so far. But it's a potential obstacle to running.
One of the articles in the Times this morning says about exercise "more intense for shorter is better". They were discussing longevity specifically, but subjectively, I tend to agree for my immediate benefits. I want to get the heart rate up and get me some endorphins.
But something is better than nothing. And I can feel the blood moving faster than the couch alone would have done.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Food Truck Frenzy
So I went out to walk between our two buildings at lunch time, and had to deal with this. For fifteen years we bemoaned the lack of restaurants within a half mile of the office. And I wonder why my jeans are tight. But I walked right past, and got a plain salad from the salad bar in my building.
 |
| Halal Grill has a nice lamb kebab over salad - the ONLY salad among these trucks - and the biggest line, not coincidentally. |
 |
| Food Truck Heaven |
 |
| Baked Empanadas |
 |
| Cuban Food |
 |
| More Kebabs |
 |
| Pizza - not tempting |
 |
| More Empanadas |
 |
| The BEST Mexican food? With no line? The lines definitely reflect quality. |
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| Grilled Cheese if you need some comfort |
 |
| Felafal |
 |
| Subs |
 |
| Chef Driven is eclectic asian fusian, usually |
 |
| No clue what Goode serves |
 |
| Crepes |
 |
| Korean |
 |
| This is new - and very very tempting to me |
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| PHO |
 |
| The pie truck |
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Yikes!
I pulled out last year's jeans to put on--and they were tight!!!!! Time to buckle down.
Here is the recent trend, since May. Faintly seen is each actual weight, more easily seen is the trend and range. Not sure what I'm going to do, but let's fully acknowledge the problem.
- iPhone uPdate
Here is the recent trend, since May. Faintly seen is each actual weight, more easily seen is the trend and range. Not sure what I'm going to do, but let's fully acknowledge the problem.
- iPhone uPdate
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