Feeling Vulnerable

I’ve been a busy bee!  My fitbit steps have been climbing steadily, a mark of my overall activity levels. But last Saturday scared me to death. I am so afraid of physical incapacitation limiting my plan to go vigorously into old age. I am very aware of how fragile our bodies are, and how of close and how out of our control the possibility of injury or illness is.

Friday, my office moved. Just to a different floor in the same building, and just temporarily, while they refurbish our space. But the office moved to its present location in 1990, and stuff just accumulated. I’ve been in my actual office since 2005, and I did not start with a clean slate but inherited files from the guy I replaced.  We’ve been working for weeks to get rid of stuff, but oddly when you work for the government some paper cannot be thrown away based simply on your assessment of how trivial it is. Records must be maintained, and in some cases even sent to the National Archives for permanent storage. So for weeks we’ve been sorting through enormous 6 foot high cabinets, pitching or boxing as necessary. Finally, on Friday, I had to complete my own office space.  I got it done, but for the first time ever, I got to my 10,000 step goal during the work day – in fact, by 2 pm. And many of those steps were on the stairwell between floors 6 and 9, and many were toting boxes or things too complicated to pack.

 

But Friday when I got home, I had to mow the grass. I had blown it off for so long, I was seriously afraid of getting a citation from the county, with parts of it sticking up knee-high and waving seed-heads in the breeze.  I had to do it, because Saturday was sailing!  And Sunday it might rain. So two hot and tough hours, and I earned twice my average steps that day.

Saturday was perfect, and my boat partner, her husband, and I met early at the marina and were motoring out of the creek while raising the sails in just 35 minutes – really fast for a shake-down cruise.  Sadly, just as we got to the mouth of the creek the engine alarm went off. While it was still working, I elected to shut her down, and with no wind available we went through emergency anchoring procedures, just outside the narrow part of the channel and with a couple of hundred yards to spare on shallow water, and we doused and furled the sails.  I have the boating equivalent of AAA, TowBoat US, the “idiot’s package”, unlimited towing. This was the second time in 10 years we used it – we would have sailed back to the dock had we been able. But instead, after a not-unpleasant hour bobbing around in the beautiful weather feeling like duffers, the red boat came, I upped anchor, and we were ignominiously escorted back into the slip, with a huge audience on a glorious Memorial Day weekend.  The boat will be fine – we have a good idea what is wrong with her, but are too lazy to spend time possibly fruitlessly troubleshooting. But somehow in the up-anchoring process, I did a bend-and-twist that got my back out of order.  It didn’t happen at once, but an hour after we were back ashore I couldn’t straighten up.  We had Tylenol from 2008 in our med kit, and that helped some, as did some yoga-stretchy maneuvers on the grass.  Walking made it feel better, sitting was awful, driving was bad.

So instead of my consolation prize of kayaking instead, I went home and took a nap, flat on my back with pillows under my knees.  I spent some time with my girl, then early to bed with more OTC drugs and those pillows under the knees. 

I am very conscious of how I move through the world. I strive for a confident brisk stride with a Mary Richards “so glad to be here” smile on my face. My brief single yoga class has had a permanent good impact on my posture, as I hold my shoulders back but down, humble yet proud, with my feet rooted firmly to the center of the earth, and my knees and pelvis just so. With all I’ve read of the mind-body connection, this is my version of theSuperwoman pose.  With this pain, I kept trying to move and stand that way, and not making it.  It hurt, and I simply could not stand up – I still am not sure if I couldn’t make myself do it, or if the muscles had tightened to the point it was impossible.

Did not feel good first thing in the morning, so I grabbed the OTC meds before coffee, even. But I went of compost.  At some point during the day, I realized my back did not hurt.  In fact, after I dropped my girl and her friend at a concert in Baltimore, I turned to the marina and went kayaking for an hour.  Monday, more gardening, a strength and agility workout at the gym, and very fancy dinner cooked by me for all.

Since then I am hardly pain free.  In truth, I never am. My back started hurting in 2004 and hasn’t stopped since.  But since a year after it started, it has mostly been a dull pain, managed with yoga and stretching and OTC meds. My sciatica is kind of my little friend, always there but not dominating my life the way it did the first few months I had it.  This pain this weekend was piercing and all consuming, and the inability to move freely was frightening, and I was really afraid my life was going to change.  You can count on me to catastrophize everything and jump to the worst case scenario.  But in a stroke of fortunate irony, the longer I sit still the worse I feel. I need to stand up and walk around regularly.

Perhaps I’ve been a little smug about how strong I’ve been feeling.  I try to be very careful not to blame the victims of bad health and instead try to exude empathy and keep my “but for blind dumb luck, there could be me” to myself. This weekend should remind me how very important it is. 

Run Away

Forty-eight hour business trip to the beach near Charleston, SC. Damnedest thing--men in ties and jackets, women in heels, in a building 200 yards from the ocean. Except me, of course. No heels for me, and at my age and stage of career, my work clothes are comfortable.

Got lots of beach miles, walking and early morning running. Didn't bring a bathing suit. Nervous enough seeing work people in compression spandex. No way they get to see bare skin. I thought of my friend Alice, and her similar trip to nearby Savannah. 

Had time on Sunday to walk 22,000 steps through Old Charleston. I swear, if I was 20 years old and just starting out, I'd totally move to Charleston. All the tourism folks talking to us emphasized the food scene there, as much as the 10,000 new good jobs building Boeing airliners.  But this is the old South. I am unable to tell if the rest of my family would be as welcome here as I felt. 

Away from family responsibilities. No crisis while gone, but fretting over being out of touch as we live on a knife edge always. Home tonight, and all well. Positive movements. 

I love that my ideal time away includes running and walking. I was able to eat well without blowing it, but back to strict induction tomorrow for 3 weeks to try to blast through this plateau. 

Mostly Wordless Update

My weight has stabilized at a new, lower weight. In my mind I'm still trying to lose weight, but the data tells me my actions are otherwise.  (I track in My Fitness Pal, which gives me calories and macronutrients.  I've been very consistent in the tracking since January.)

I'm off tomorrow for a quick business trip where I'll have little control over my food. When I get back, I'd like to do another 3 weeks of strict strict induction Atkins, and see where that takes me.  But I'm liking where I am.

Eyeball says about 6 pounds down.

Calories do matter

I strive for around 25 net carbs. Induction is under 20.

Macro-nutrients from bottom: Net Carbs, Fiber, Fat, Protein

Focused on exercise

I prioritize my exercise pretty high. Maybe even too high, letting some other responsibilities slide. But the exercise is paying off. I have mostly stopped meditating, but the exercise is major relief. I go to the gym twice a week where I meet my trainer. I try to run three times a week but it's really only twice most weeks. But I walk, as the weather is nicer. I've up my goals on the Fitbit, and am often in a friendly competition with real life and virtual friends. Walking is my religion, it settles me down and also settles down my voracious dog.

I like the way I look, for the most part, as a result of the diet and exercise. A week ago my boy took a picture of me before our 5K, and it's one of the few of me I truly like.  Not just (by a trick of the camera and maximum compression fabric) looking slimmer than I am, but self assured, strong and happy.

Today another great thing happened.  I was early at the big gym, and my trainer set up a seven-station circuit for me.  Box jumps, kettle bell squats, rows and side planks and medicine ball tosses...  Really hard work with timed periods and short rests. I was catching my breath after the second time through, and one of the few other folks in at that time, a twenty-something buff guy who had been working the weights, came over and said "I just want to let you know you are awesome! I don't know if I could power through the circuit the way you are."

How about that!

But maybe I shouldn't have celebrated tonight with quite so much chocolate...

Me and Social Media

I've been spending a lot of time with social media lately.  I think it's getting to be a problem, but it also brings benefits. 

I was actually an early adopter of what is now called social media. My involvement stretches back to the 1980s, immediately pre Internet.  My employer, a major airline, sponsored access to Compuserve, in order to facilitate communication with its mobile workforce of pilots and flight attendants.  Through that dial up at home access, I participated in Compuserve Forums, text based discussion groups formed and organized by users to facilitate enthusiasts talking. There I formed my first online persona. I almost entirely "lurked" (read without posting) but I was quite attached to the group discussion and for a while didn't go a day without signing on. It happened there was a real life gathering of my group I could attend. I opted to lurk in real life too, showing up but lingering at the fringes of the group, trying to link faces with the folks I thought I had gotten to know.  It's worthy of note that none of those people had any connection to my "real" life, neither personal life nor work life.

There is a big discussion going on about the role of social media in social life.  Some folks consider digital life as separate from physical life, and feel they can behave in ways they never would in real life, both for good and for bad.  I never felt that free, but I think it's because I have had decades of trying to preserve a firewall between my work life and my home life.  My first job out of grad school catapulted me to a strange society where I loved my job and had essentially nothing in common with anyone at work. I'd be invited to parties, and spend time with the guys talking about work. But when they switched to sports, I'd join the wives, who were discussing children and laundry techniques.  It's what was important in their lives, but not in mine. We didn't share values or world views, so I learned not to share what I thought with anyone at work, on non work topics. The first thing I did when I got home home from work was change my clothes, symbolically rejoining my real self. When I first went online, the Compuserve forum I mostly frequented had several of my colleagues, and that motivated me to stay silent. But I was drawn into the voyerism of glimpses of others' lives and opinions. As the Internet grew, so did my fascination with hearing others opinions on things that interest me.

Flash forward to today and Facebook. I have many facebook friends, but not one of them is a work colleague.  I've recently started participating much more in facebook groups-clearly a successor to Compuserve Forums. I have wide interests, and have joined several groups.  The volume of posts exceeds those of my actual friends, and the Facebook algorithms mean those whose posts I click through to read comments, and especially if I comment on them myself, jump to the top of the feed and I have to go searching for my actual friends (Facebook of course also decides which are my closest friends by my actions).  This means if I'm interested, I have to at least "like" stuff, and it's even better to speak up. And I do.

I found a facebook group some time ago formed around my first fitness tracking device. As fitness devices have proliferated, the group has expanded its focus and its membership.  It clearly has my soulmates, folks with a similar engagement with technology as a motivation for fitness.  Through this group, I have broader engagement with people on the social platforms created by the two biggest tracker families-Fitbit and Jawbone-than I would have if I relied solely on my less tech friendly real life friends for connection. (Jawbone I have one real life friend, Fitbit three, but lots of my Facebook group friends share their info with me, a stranger, and I with them.). We trade tips about how to use our devices, we share articles and links on exercise and devices, and we cheer each other on in activity.  

I've written about how Atkins diet has a stigma. I've discovered the flip side- there are Atkins adherents with a religious fervor.  I got booted out of an Atkins Facebook group by the mean-girl admin because I dared to suggest the late doctor didn't have the entire revealed wisdom on how to eat.  There are sects, too.  The successor to the Atkins franchise has kept the major outlines, but emphasizes cooking from scratch and eating vegetables much more than the late doctor.  Many folks only want to read and follow the prescription by the doctor himself, not the subsequent heretical interpretations and amendments. I think of them as the fundamentalists, whereas I'm more Mennonite- thoughtfully deciding what I'll accept or reject from mainstream thinking. Some days, you can hardly tell by looking at my plate that I'm an Atkins adherent-I blend right in.

But I am fascinated by the discussions and the glimpses into people's lives. Someone posted about losing 16 pounds in two weeks, and he only needed to lose 2 more to be under FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS.  I read it several times, and that's what he said.  Last night, he went to the hospital because he was weak, and posts continued as we found out he needed to reduce his blood pressure medication because the diet had helped so much already.  Another woman was shunned by her in- laws and banned from Easter dinner because she asked if she could bring a dish to because the menu wouldn't have allowed her to eat anything while staying on the diet. (Casseroles, deep fried and breaded stuff, sweet salads and sweets). They were insulted. Her husband brought a lamb meat feast home and they had (small) family time instead.  Of course, you have no idea what actually happened, or the context, but these little mini-dramas are oddly compelling.

I've seen a lot of good ideas for this way of eating (and only about half of them are bacon-themed). That's the main reason I follow these sites-looking for what people actually eat in real life, not for the voyeurism or the squabbles on orthodoxy. This morning, for example, I had a "pancake" made of two eggs beaten with a quarter cup full-fat ricotta cheese, and a splash of vanilla for richness. Cooked in butter. It didn't need sweetener in my opinion, though others would disagree and want at least sugar-free syrup on top.  The visual was very pancake-like, and the taste was more pancake than scrambled egg. I read folks often put almond or coconut floor in (maybe a tablespoon) and that actually makes it fluffier rather than heavy. I'll try that-I've got almond flour in the freezer.  It held me nicely past my normal lunch time. The only problem was I did not take time to make any vegetables, and of course fruit is a no-no. Except for blueberries, which I didn't have but which could be very good added to the mix.

But I spend too much time with racing and replying. I don't allow myself to look at Facebook while at work-though I often will spend my lunch in my office reading work-related blogs.  I want to limit my time on this, because time is so limited. I currently feel like even watching tv is higher on (my abstract) virtue hierarchy.  So I'm trying to ration myself. I look at the clock when I sit down, and try to cut myself off. Too often, I blow past my own deadline and keep reading.  I'll have to consider more drastic measures.

Right now, I've got to get moving because daylight is burning. But will I click on Facebook before I stand up? Can I spend just 2 minutes on it?  What's the harm?

Spring, Finally

We've had a few signs of spring. The second the snow retreated, the croscuses jumped into bloom. But conditions have been up and down.

But yesterday marked one of my important milestones on the progress of spring. I went running with the dog outside before work. It was both warm enough and light enough. We left before sunrise, and went through the neighborhood. But on the way back, it was light enough to feel good going through the stream valley park behind the house.  There, it's darker, the footing on the paved but rough path is uncertain, and it's a little bit isolated. Lot's of other people were out, so it felt good.

Both the dog and I are out of shape, but this is S-O-O-O great!

Cheat Days

Because eating very low carb causes your body to switch how it processes food, a single day of eating high carb can cause weight to fluctuate.  Just as the original 4-8 pounds loss is water, so the quick gain is also water.  I've now got an N=2 example of this.  Here is the stackup of the nutrients I've been eating, with net carbs in red on the bottom:

I went on Atkins seriously on 1/20/2015, initially aiming for less than 20 net grams of carbohydrate a day, now less than 30.  The big peak on the right is my birthday, 3/22.  There is a small peak around March 1 - I was being social, which included eating much more liberally - not so much in calories but in content, allowing a wider range of carbohydrate foods.

Here is my weight for the same time period, with daily numbers in blue and the weekly average in red:

You can see two bump ups-in my daily scale weight, the first from the 2-day smaller peak and the second from my birthday.  In each case, it took about a week to get back on trend.

Is it worth it to deviate like that?

Short answer:  YES - to a point.  I live in the real world, and relationships are more important.than what I eat or what I weigh.  But there comes a point where it is not about the relationships, but just about really really liking the Carvel ice cream cake with birthday candles... and that's the point where it would make sense to stop!  At any rate, it's always reversable, and you just have to acknowledge (even at the time) this is what will happen.

But it's fine. Excelsior!