Just the Facts

My weight has gone up steadily for some period of time. Since I started blogging in 2010, here's the picture:

Clearly, things are not what they were, once I had lost a bunch of weight and more or less stabilized at a certain weight. Part of the insight is I never was truly stabilized - I was managing things with gradual ups followed by sudden, planned, drops in weight by sticking to a specific set of rules for eating.

This pattern is fairly consistent forever. Look at the really long view:

So right now, my challenge is whether I want to strive for the pattern: bring my weight back to where I want it by restricted, planned eating, followed by relaxing the rules, then bringing the rules back before it goes too far.  What I have been experimenting with instead is trying to eat mindfully and healthfully all the time, but without any rigid rules.  Evidence so far indicates this is not a good strategy for keeping my weight in bounds. I'm still not willing to give up the attempt yet.

I continue to try on different strategies for how to act, versus falling into rules about good and bad food. I do still try to make choices about food based on broad general guidelines, summed up by Michael Pollan ("eat food, mostly plants, not too much"), but without demonizing any specific foods or whole categories of food. I try to eat mindfully, slowing down and thinking and feeling how the food feels to me. I try to prepare my food myself. On another note, I'm also upping my activity levels.  I'm a long way from finding a set of actions or attitudes that stabilizes my weight at a place I'd like it to be.

I really struggled in this post to avoid any value-laden language, about eating or my weight. No words about where my weight "should" be, nor about what is eating "right". So hard. I refer to where I "want" my weight, acknowledging it's a number or target I've picked myself. It is derived from how I looked and how I felt when I was there, not from any external table or chart. Food choices I try to make based on how they make me feel, short and long term, informed by extensive reading on how our bodies handle different foodstuffs, but not by some categorizing everything as "healthy" or "bad".  

Ready

For the first time in a few weeks I feel ready for the week. I have leftover and ready to go breakfasts (cabbage frittata) and food for lunches and dinners.

My lunch was SO much food, but modelled after the lovely salads available at salad-specialty restaurants (flourishing locally but sadly none within a block of my office). I bought lettuce, onions and spinach from the salad bar in the cafeteria, added my dressing from the office fridge, and then my leftovers: half a hamburger and grilled vegetables, along with cheese, cheese crisps, and olives from home.  Totally over the top, but very good. I ate about two-thirds at lunch, and put it aside. It became my 4:30 snack, and with a handful of cashews while driving home I wasn't hungry before the gym.

After the gym I contemplated no food, as it was late, but decided to go for it. More leftovers.

I had a sausage and a half cup of mixed beans done yesterday in the Instant Pot. (I would like to eat more beans, seems healthy and carby without being sugar or white flour.) Very satisfying. Nothing in me was craving any bedtime chocolate. I don't expect that to last, but certainly wasn't going to force chocolate on myself!

I seem to have cycles, though my monthly menses are long over. Yesterday was an up day, not driven by extra good sleep or especially good food the day before. But appetite was reasonable, and I felt strong and happy at the gym. I walked a lot, even getting a quick mile in at lunch in the fabulous (not hot yet) weather. Last night was a terrible night for sleep, but with a good day yesterday with food (roughly 35 hours now since my last sugar) we'll see how the energy plays out today. Food today is planned to be identical to yesterday, with the added bonus of being already packaged up yesterday.

Another Race Done

Today was the Takoma Park 5K. This neighborhood run is the second race I ever entered, in 2012, and the one I have done most consistently. My time was much slower than before. I refuse to admit that I am now in an inevitable decline due to age. Instead, I see this as yet another confirmation that on race day, it's too late to substitute determination for training. I frankly under trained.

The other way to look at this is way better than the race I did in February. That was the slowest I've ever been. It was snowing, it was on steep hills, and it was freakin' February and I was not trained at all.

This made me go back and look at previous race results. I had compiled many of my results before, so it wasn't a lot of work to go back and bring the list up to date - especially since I didn't run in ANY races in 2017!

What did take some time was making a nice graph of my pace over time. My best year was 2015, where I took training seriously. Here is the history:

Lower on this chart is better- fewer minutes per mile

BTW, for my few but avid readers - I've put some effort into the garden blog, and am likely to do some posts there, as I work to fill the void from the tree and get some renovations done.

Fabulous Visit to Washington DC

Just a couple of tourists

Yes, I live here. But I took some days off from phenomenally busy work and a friend came in from out of town, and we played tourist together. I was clear to my friend: I'm not showing you the town, we're going to go do things together, and with a heavy emphasis on things I haven't done before. The weather cooperated and it was terrific in nearly every way.

We hiked in a park along Chesapeake Bay (after swinging by my boat) and had tasty crabcakes at a little place that sells both seafood and cooked food to-go, sitting at a picnic table outside along the highway. We went to the gym to work out together with my trainer, marvelling at how we've changed since college days when such a thought would have been absurd.

World class scenery

We weren't the only ones here

The cherry blossoms were still going, so very early one morning we got down there so S. (an avid photographer, as am I sometimes) could take advantage of interesting morning light. It was past peak, but still darn nice. Every bit as breathtaking as they say.

We walked to the brand-new shiny waterfront development, The Wharf. While some places opened in November of last year, some are still under development and many places just opened in the last few weeks. We sat outside and ate seafood salads with cocktails for lunch.

Fireproof Woman

Made partly from muffin tins

We visited the Renwick Gallery, a bite-sized little piece of the Smithsonian across the street from the Whitehouse. They were showing The Art of Burning Man, fun and wierd. We had cocktails at a rooftop bar looking down into the Rose Garden.  We walked the length of H Street, stopping at my brother-in-law's pharmacy, and rode the street car back. We went to Union Market, the hip food-stall place that replaced the old actual farmers' market. (There we had brunch pizzas with quail eggs.)  We visited the Portrait Gallery and saw the Obamas' new official pictures. (Hers really doesn't look like here, though it is still a magnificent rendering.) We had an afternoon brunch at a downtown place where we skewed the demographic significantly upward just by walking in.

Me and the Supremes

We saw the new and amazing African American History, Art and Culture museum. We were there about four hours, which sort of exceeded my ability to focus, but we barely scratched the surface and I'll be back. 

All told, it was a [insert new superlative here] experience.  In five days, I set new step count records for this year three times. We visited three museums. We ate and/or drank out ten times, and seven of the restaurants were new to me. I took a bunch of pictures (mostly of cherry blossoms) and S. took eleventy-bazillion. We had the family over for one meal, cooking mostly from new-to-us recipes.

Sadly, my body was not as strong or resiliant as I was hoping. My knee was the worst part, and a limiting factor on our activities, but I also got a blister on my foot and my back was aching by the end of the day. The day S. left I was having a migraine, which I'm learning can be triggered by activity.

View from inside the African American Museum

I refuse to accept that reducing my activity is inevitable.  NOT YET.  Instead, I'm trying to double up on the activity, walk more, do more things, and keep up with those back exercises, many of which were also prescribed when I did PT for an injured knee. I don't know if it's time to get a second opinion on my knee, if it could get better (and if I could run) with a replacement. I do know, for any elective knee surgury, this is absolutely the wrong time of year for it, so no hurry on this. Just something to keep in mind.

I've been back to long long hours at work, so keeping the step count up is hard, but extended daylight hours is helping. I like this time of year, when optimism is in the air!

Detours

The past few weeks feel like a detour from the course I thought I was on. First, a tree fell on my house (March 2; I wrote about in on my garden blog, link at right).  It could have been worse, but it felt catastrophic and it was hard to focus on anything other than it for a while. Except work, of course (which continues to be a big eater of my life and time but brings its own rewards, yes).  But partially as a result of the neighborhood interest in my tree disaster, I've kicked off some home improvement projects that I have been mulling roughly forever.

Then my back went sproing, subject of the last post. It's not all better yet, and it took at least ten days before I started to feel close to normal. Somewhere in there (it all blurs together) my lovely dog had to go to the emergency vet to have a linen table napkin extracted from his inside. Also somewhere in there was a snowstorm; closed work, and close enough in time to my back thing that I had to hire a young person to do my shovelling, first time ever. I have developed a brand new exercise at-home every morning (well, almost every morning) habit to try to keep the back healthy. I do not want to do physical therapy - too inconvenient. It's hard enough to carve out 20 minutes in the morning at home.

Work continues to absorb my life, but also somewhere in there I decided I needed to get away on vacation. I needed to prove I'm the kind of person that gets out there and does things (to paraphrase a friend). I took some time off, and it will be the subject of it's own post.

All of the above is to explain why its been a month since I posted about trying a different strategy for the late afternoon and it was just this week I tried it. I knew if I was going to the gym it would be right from work, so I brought some meaty chili from my freezer, and ate it around 4:30 pm.  Sadly, no, I still dipped into the candy jar. I was ravenous and real food didn't fix that.  I was also ravenous last night - perhaps the somewhat higher level of work and stress this week is the reason for that.

Still, I'm going to try again to actually eat food instead of snack on some afternoons this coming week. We'll see how it goes.

Meantime, halfway through my first of two weekend days, and I need to get cracking on chores.

Excelsior!

SPROING

No, not a typo. That is what happened to me.

It's been a tough few days, and I'm discouraged. Saturday, I got a quick productive start, but slowed way down later in the day. I woke in the wee hours Sunday to realize I had a major migraine underway, which explains the previous slow-down. This was an 8 on the 10-point scale, very high in my experience as I flinched away from light and wimpered at any sound. I took the dreaded migraine meds - because it had to be better than what I was feeling - and got a very slow start to the day. But they worked! And I got things done later Sunday. This included doing my mother's taxes (which means completing a checklist and mailing them to her accountant) and cooking some good food to last during the week. Chili! For late afternoon snacks!

So Monday, feeling good about being organized and caught up, grateful for the effective migraine meds, I was all dressed and ready for work, lunch and snack packed on the counter, only walk and feed the dog before leaving. I bent over to hitch up my socks, and SPROING! something in my back ... searching for the word... snapped? (no) stretched? (not quite) back to ... snapped/stretched/tightened into place (the wrong place) and suddenly I was in fierce pain and severely handicapped. I have had my back "go out" before, but never so clearly at once and so very very painfully. I grabbed tylenol quickly, and kept shuffling around trying to get ready as the realization slowly sunk in that going to work would be impossible.

Now, two days later, I'm trying to recapture what that intense feeling was like. I have sometimes wondered to myself when people say "I can't straighten up" or "I can't bend over" if they mean they really physically can't or if it's too painful to do so. My experience was both were true - not only was it hugely painful to try, but there was a physical inability to move certain ways. Basically, I couldn't bend at the waist. I called a support person at work, went over the calendar and a few other things, then took a muscle relaxant I had on hand from the last time something like this (but not this, not nearly so intense) happened.

I had to feed the dog before I could get flat. (If you've met the Very Hungry Labrador you would understand this is not optional.)  I had to get his heavy dish off the floor (a squat) go down to the basement, and scoop food out of a nearly empty tall garbage can where it is stored. I couldn't get the food. I couldn't bend over to reach it. I was holding on to the heavy ceramic dish. I dropped to my knees but then my arm was not long enough to fit over the edge of the can and reach the food at the bottom. It was comical and pathetic. I pulled myself to standing using the can, and with a combination bend and squat made a swooping scoop of food and got it into the dish. I nearly passed out with pain and had to clutch the door jam to keep from falling as my head swirled. Unbelievably, the dish with food in it made climbing the basement stairs hell - too heavy to hold with one trembling hand, pulling myself up with the other on the railing, every step fighting gravity was torture on the base of my spine. I started to worry I had some actual damage to my spine, not just a muscle spasm. I dropped the dish into the dog's crate with relief and worry.

I made a nest on the floor with pillows and a down comforter and awkwardly allowed myself to drop down. Many pillows under the knees to make my lower back flat against the floor, with a heating pad. I had my phone and ipad and a glass of water with a straw in arms reach. I remembered my mother and her back problems, holding her back from doing things on and off all of her life. I contemplated life as a cripple. And I wondered if my back went out as an exit strategy from the office.  I hurt. Lots. I think "10" on a scale of one to ten is something I've never experienced, but this came as close as I ever have. I realized I couldn't drive myself to the doctor if I needed to go. I couldn't think what a doctor would do anyway, except stronger pain killers that would destroy my mind. But what if I had an actual injury that needed treatment? What was going to become of me?

This was where mindfulness came in and rescued me. I had my phone, and my "10% Happier" app has several guided meditations about pain. Living with pain, finding balance with pain, accomodating the pain instead of trying to push it away. I was able to focus, and sort out what I was actually feeling from what I was thinking and anticipating and planning for. With my focus on my breath, I was able to more clearly feel what was happening in my body (it hurt, not all over, not always at a "9") and what horrible things might be happening and could happen and had happened in the past were NOT what was actually happening. I meditated, I dozed, I listened to my book from audible (about ultra running, ironically). When the scheduled dog walker came at noon, I pulled myself up and walked around the house and worked my arms and tryed to tune in to what I was actually feeling. I couldn't sit in a chair to eat lunch, but I was definitely down to a "7" in the pain. Wasn't going to be going to the gym as planned that night, but clearly getting better.

Fewest number of steps since I've been counting.

Afternoon and evening in the house, more of the same. Slight improvements, so that night I was able to turn onto my side to sleep. It's hard to describe the relief that comes from being able to get into my favorite position to sleep. Tuesday, I called into work and teleworked a full work day, still not sitting in a chair very much, but trying to walk around the house.

Today is a snow day. My self image is a tough musher, who could strap on her snow shoes and get to the grocery store if I needed to. But no, not today. Not going to do any shoveling. But I am going to work out - those arm and leg exercises that don't actively irritate the back. I'm going to do the physical therapy routines I've learned. If it's not almost entirely better by Friday, I'll see about getting some additional annoying and logistically complicated physical therapy going again. I am going to be an active person. I am not going to be an invalid.

New High

Me, dressed in clean-the-house clothes,
right after seeing the new high weight on the scale.

Not in a good way. Hit a new weight mark that ends in a zero. On the way up. Yikes.

I mused on my current situation on the forum website for my mindful eating program. This is the first time in a couple of months. The sad fact is evidence says mindful eating is not turning out to be a good strategy for me. But I'm not ready yet to declare defeat.

Here is a clip from my analysis. I've established three specific problems to apply mindful techniques to. We'll see how this works.

<

Another specific problem is in the late afternoon, especially on workdays where my schedule is driven externally. Sometime between 2 and 5 pm, I have a serious decline in energy. I have paid enough attention to know I am actually hungry, so I have been experimenting with healthy snacks. It’s not working. Last week, for instance, I had a quarter cup (measured) of macademia nuts and two clementine oranges. This was very tasty, but I was still hungry and not re-energized. Eating candy (always available) becomes the next course, and it helps on the energy, but it quickly gets out of hand. I am often in the office finishing up paperwork until 7 and am not home before 8.

My new experiment will be to actually bring a serious but small meal for 4-5 pm. When I think about snacks, I think “celery and almond butter” or some such: nuts and something fruity or vegetably. But I’m going to try to bring a small portion of something much more substantial, and that may include something more whole food carby, like chili with beans is appealing to me. Or a chopped salad, not so much on the leafy greens but rather dense with brocolli and salami and olives. (I normally eat a more basic salad for lunch, lettuce and spinach and meat and dressing.) It’s important this late small meal be very easy to eat at my desk, no time for anything else. I do have access to a refridgerator and microwave.

My last problem is most often later at night, though on weekends it’s not necessarily late. It’s just being home. I want a sweet treat. I’m not hungry. It’s not a physically defined craving. It’s in my head. It’s all about pleasure and being cared-for. It’s a reward. I’ve tried the hot cup of tea and very rarely that helps. But my ideal is to not have to swear off sweets, because I like them so much. My ideal is to be able to have a cordial relationship with exquisitely wonderful small portions of snacks. So far, that’s worked maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time, it gets out of hand quickly. My only strategy on that is to be mindful, focus on second gear. When asking the question “what am I getting from this?” I have a clear answer: I get pleasure, and earlier in the day I get anticipation of pleasure, as I eat wisely and well and mindfully. The pleasure doesn’t carry through way too much food, but it’s there at the beginning and I can’t see my way to saying “no, you won’t have that pleasure.” Thinking about it, that is a path to denial which is likely to backfire. Unless and until I have disenchantment with the first bite, I can’t see where to go with that.

So there is no such thing as “giving up”, though there are moments of greater and lesser paying attention to the struggle.>>