SPROING

No, not a typo. That is what happened to me.

It's been a tough few days, and I'm discouraged. Saturday, I got a quick productive start, but slowed way down later in the day. I woke in the wee hours Sunday to realize I had a major migraine underway, which explains the previous slow-down. This was an 8 on the 10-point scale, very high in my experience as I flinched away from light and wimpered at any sound. I took the dreaded migraine meds - because it had to be better than what I was feeling - and got a very slow start to the day. But they worked! And I got things done later Sunday. This included doing my mother's taxes (which means completing a checklist and mailing them to her accountant) and cooking some good food to last during the week. Chili! For late afternoon snacks!

So Monday, feeling good about being organized and caught up, grateful for the effective migraine meds, I was all dressed and ready for work, lunch and snack packed on the counter, only walk and feed the dog before leaving. I bent over to hitch up my socks, and SPROING! something in my back ... searching for the word... snapped? (no) stretched? (not quite) back to ... snapped/stretched/tightened into place (the wrong place) and suddenly I was in fierce pain and severely handicapped. I have had my back "go out" before, but never so clearly at once and so very very painfully. I grabbed tylenol quickly, and kept shuffling around trying to get ready as the realization slowly sunk in that going to work would be impossible.

Now, two days later, I'm trying to recapture what that intense feeling was like. I have sometimes wondered to myself when people say "I can't straighten up" or "I can't bend over" if they mean they really physically can't or if it's too painful to do so. My experience was both were true - not only was it hugely painful to try, but there was a physical inability to move certain ways. Basically, I couldn't bend at the waist. I called a support person at work, went over the calendar and a few other things, then took a muscle relaxant I had on hand from the last time something like this (but not this, not nearly so intense) happened.

I had to feed the dog before I could get flat. (If you've met the Very Hungry Labrador you would understand this is not optional.)  I had to get his heavy dish off the floor (a squat) go down to the basement, and scoop food out of a nearly empty tall garbage can where it is stored. I couldn't get the food. I couldn't bend over to reach it. I was holding on to the heavy ceramic dish. I dropped to my knees but then my arm was not long enough to fit over the edge of the can and reach the food at the bottom. It was comical and pathetic. I pulled myself to standing using the can, and with a combination bend and squat made a swooping scoop of food and got it into the dish. I nearly passed out with pain and had to clutch the door jam to keep from falling as my head swirled. Unbelievably, the dish with food in it made climbing the basement stairs hell - too heavy to hold with one trembling hand, pulling myself up with the other on the railing, every step fighting gravity was torture on the base of my spine. I started to worry I had some actual damage to my spine, not just a muscle spasm. I dropped the dish into the dog's crate with relief and worry.

I made a nest on the floor with pillows and a down comforter and awkwardly allowed myself to drop down. Many pillows under the knees to make my lower back flat against the floor, with a heating pad. I had my phone and ipad and a glass of water with a straw in arms reach. I remembered my mother and her back problems, holding her back from doing things on and off all of her life. I contemplated life as a cripple. And I wondered if my back went out as an exit strategy from the office.  I hurt. Lots. I think "10" on a scale of one to ten is something I've never experienced, but this came as close as I ever have. I realized I couldn't drive myself to the doctor if I needed to go. I couldn't think what a doctor would do anyway, except stronger pain killers that would destroy my mind. But what if I had an actual injury that needed treatment? What was going to become of me?

This was where mindfulness came in and rescued me. I had my phone, and my "10% Happier" app has several guided meditations about pain. Living with pain, finding balance with pain, accomodating the pain instead of trying to push it away. I was able to focus, and sort out what I was actually feeling from what I was thinking and anticipating and planning for. With my focus on my breath, I was able to more clearly feel what was happening in my body (it hurt, not all over, not always at a "9") and what horrible things might be happening and could happen and had happened in the past were NOT what was actually happening. I meditated, I dozed, I listened to my book from audible (about ultra running, ironically). When the scheduled dog walker came at noon, I pulled myself up and walked around the house and worked my arms and tryed to tune in to what I was actually feeling. I couldn't sit in a chair to eat lunch, but I was definitely down to a "7" in the pain. Wasn't going to be going to the gym as planned that night, but clearly getting better.

Fewest number of steps since I've been counting.

Afternoon and evening in the house, more of the same. Slight improvements, so that night I was able to turn onto my side to sleep. It's hard to describe the relief that comes from being able to get into my favorite position to sleep. Tuesday, I called into work and teleworked a full work day, still not sitting in a chair very much, but trying to walk around the house.

Today is a snow day. My self image is a tough musher, who could strap on her snow shoes and get to the grocery store if I needed to. But no, not today. Not going to do any shoveling. But I am going to work out - those arm and leg exercises that don't actively irritate the back. I'm going to do the physical therapy routines I've learned. If it's not almost entirely better by Friday, I'll see about getting some additional annoying and logistically complicated physical therapy going again. I am going to be an active person. I am not going to be an invalid.

New High

Me, dressed in clean-the-house clothes,
right after seeing the new high weight on the scale.

Not in a good way. Hit a new weight mark that ends in a zero. On the way up. Yikes.

I mused on my current situation on the forum website for my mindful eating program. This is the first time in a couple of months. The sad fact is evidence says mindful eating is not turning out to be a good strategy for me. But I'm not ready yet to declare defeat.

Here is a clip from my analysis. I've established three specific problems to apply mindful techniques to. We'll see how this works.

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Another specific problem is in the late afternoon, especially on workdays where my schedule is driven externally. Sometime between 2 and 5 pm, I have a serious decline in energy. I have paid enough attention to know I am actually hungry, so I have been experimenting with healthy snacks. It’s not working. Last week, for instance, I had a quarter cup (measured) of macademia nuts and two clementine oranges. This was very tasty, but I was still hungry and not re-energized. Eating candy (always available) becomes the next course, and it helps on the energy, but it quickly gets out of hand. I am often in the office finishing up paperwork until 7 and am not home before 8.

My new experiment will be to actually bring a serious but small meal for 4-5 pm. When I think about snacks, I think “celery and almond butter” or some such: nuts and something fruity or vegetably. But I’m going to try to bring a small portion of something much more substantial, and that may include something more whole food carby, like chili with beans is appealing to me. Or a chopped salad, not so much on the leafy greens but rather dense with brocolli and salami and olives. (I normally eat a more basic salad for lunch, lettuce and spinach and meat and dressing.) It’s important this late small meal be very easy to eat at my desk, no time for anything else. I do have access to a refridgerator and microwave.

My last problem is most often later at night, though on weekends it’s not necessarily late. It’s just being home. I want a sweet treat. I’m not hungry. It’s not a physically defined craving. It’s in my head. It’s all about pleasure and being cared-for. It’s a reward. I’ve tried the hot cup of tea and very rarely that helps. But my ideal is to not have to swear off sweets, because I like them so much. My ideal is to be able to have a cordial relationship with exquisitely wonderful small portions of snacks. So far, that’s worked maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time, it gets out of hand quickly. My only strategy on that is to be mindful, focus on second gear. When asking the question “what am I getting from this?” I have a clear answer: I get pleasure, and earlier in the day I get anticipation of pleasure, as I eat wisely and well and mindfully. The pleasure doesn’t carry through way too much food, but it’s there at the beginning and I can’t see my way to saying “no, you won’t have that pleasure.” Thinking about it, that is a path to denial which is likely to backfire. Unless and until I have disenchantment with the first bite, I can’t see where to go with that.

So there is no such thing as “giving up”, though there are moments of greater and lesser paying attention to the struggle.>>

Small Project from Beginning to End

Before (only 1 of 3 places they lived)

I have a HUGE project to do - get all the crap out of my basement. I've been working on this for at least three years. That means I started at least three years ago, and since then I've done little to move it along.

So as one does, I searched the internet for support. Facebook helpfully suggested a de-cluttering group, because misery loves company. One challenge they issued was actually not something I thought of as a problem: declutter mugs in the kitchen. It's not even in my basement.

So I did this Sunday, just to build a track record of actually doing something. I got all my coffee mugs, and my travel coffee mugs, from three different places in the house, and put them all the dining room table. I only put back the ones I absolutely intend to both keep and use. 

All the cups.
Bought for looks, given as public radio premiums, received as gifts,
bought as souvenirs on travel, acquired at work events.
Mostly I kept the bought for looks ones only.

Then I rinsed all the give-aways in the sink and put into bags to drop off at Valu-Village, a local store. I won't get a receipt, I'll just be glad they are gone and have at least a chance of a second life.

Not part of the project: heirloom china.
Not touched in 20 years.
Something to think about another day.

What I kept.

After. A little more space - room for new ones?
(No, that way lies either madness or Sisyphus.)
At least this is all I have now, none stashed elsewhere.

Broken Promises

I'm not keeping commitments, especially to myself. I continue to gain weight, and I'm not exercising enough. I'm not doing other things I want to be doing - cleaning out my basement to renovate it, planning a family vacation, being more involved with my community, getting my finances in better order, upping my mindfulness practice, more time with my girl. Work continues to be me my excuse for not following through, but I don't think that cuts it. Yes, it's many hours, and exhausting. But it's not soul-crushingly awful, and I should be able to design my way through this to a better balance.

I know self-care is a priority that helps everything else, but the self-care I've been doing is coming home, flopping on the couch, eating junk food, not walking the dog "because it's dark and cold and I deserve to relax". This feels good at the time and erodes my self-respect. Every morning I wake up and vow to do better, and make specific time-bound measurable goals to achieve, not just vaguely vowing to do "better".  I have been having good breakfasts, bringing my lunch and eating the way I want to. But by late afternoon I'm pooped. Physically tired, though odds are I haven't moved much. Mentally tired dealing with many people, and looking at at least a couple of hours of documents and emails to handle before going home. Even if I fight off junk food at that moment, it's still the couch flop when I get home, unless it's a gym night. I'm still seeing the trainer, usually twice a week, where we focus on heavy lifting because I don't have the aerobic energy to do much else. 

 So I want to focus here on diet and exercise, not all the other stuff. I'm gaining weight, and I want to stop that. I want to get back outside and exercise. I don't think this is the right time in my life to be relying on mindful eating to reach my goals. The mindful strategy to avoid the binge involves both embracing the craving and observing it. But when I'm having the cravings is late in the day and I'm out of resources. I have plenty of evidence to support this. I can continue to strengthen other aspects of my mindfulness practice while going back to more tried-and-true diet tactics that have been so successful for me. I think the mindful tactics will eventually lead to a good place for me and food, but I'm not willing to live with the weight consequences of not having rules about what to eat. That's where my head is now. 

Today's Whole Foods breakfast: Spinach frittata and sausages

Before 4 pm every day, my diet is one most nutritionists would think is ok. I make my 7 servings of colorful whole fruits and vegetables every day. A usual day is sweet potato hash (with brussels sprouts, onions, and apples) with a couple of either eggs or chicken sausages for breakfast. Lunch is meat from home, usually chicken, with lettuce and spinach from the salad bar from work, and bottled salad dressing I've brought from home, low sugar versions. I am bringing fresh fruit and nuts for the afternoon snack, and many days that is what I have, not being tempted by the ever-present candy dish. Supper is either left-overs from the weekend - something like chicken thighs with cauliflower in curry sauce - or a frozen dinner, or sometimes the food bar at Whole Foods after the gym. Always vegetables. Quite often, brown rice or lately, naan. Then, on a good day, there will be tiny bedtime snack of a couple of dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's.  On a bad day, there will be three or more servings of chocolate in the evening, whether or not there was any (lower-quality) chocolate at work in the afternoon.

This is cumulatively way more carbohydrates than I have been striving for over several years. I would never eat even sweet potatoes, much less rice or bread. So am I gaining weight because I'm eating more carbs or because I binge on chocolate half the nights? Or, am I binging on chocolate because I eat carbs during the day?  I feel my body, mindfully sensing what is actually going on, observing, and my body is jonesing for carbs. I thought giving it healthful carbs in moderate portions during the day would satisfy it, and reduce the bingeing. Not sure that is the case.

I sometimes test my blood sugar myself (because why wouldn't I have the gadget for that?) and certainly my morning fasting numbers indicate pre-diabetes for me. It does reflect sugar binges the night before, for sure. A couple of days eating moderate-carb low sugar, and the numbers are back in the below-100 range that is good and out of pre-diabetes. So that tells me it is not necessary to eat very low carb or go into ketosis for my health. But it might be necessary for my weight and my sanity.

The strategies that have worked for me to lose weight and maintain the loss have been cooking, planning, and tracking. I moved away from the second two because I got tired of them. I wanted (still want) mindfulness to keep me eating only good things in the right quantities without the work of planning way ahead and writing it down and looking at the numbers, using that for more planning and decisions in the moment about what to eat next.

So I'm going to do tracking, I think. I'm more sure about that now than I was when I started this post. I'm going to cut the morning and afternoon snack carbs down and go more protein and leafy vegetables. I'm not sure I'm going to try to get the carbs all the way down to Atkins level, but I might. Start with the basics - track and plan, plan and track. See where that puts my energy and drive to binge. Tracking and planning doesn't prevent an evening binge by itself - so the key is really to check on whether the physical drive for the evening binge weakens when the good carbs go down.

I think I'll go walk the dog now. Maybe the cold (if not the dark) is done for the season.

I'm Gaining Weight

After years of success, after losing weight, managing it within an acceptable band, pushing it to my "goal weight", I've done the classic rebound. There is no mystery here - I'm eating way too many sweets. I start out every day with good intentions and usually good food. But from about 3 pm on, I can't be trusted. I'm eating chocolate, and sometime not even good chocolate.

Here's what happened to my eating in the last year:  I decided I'm not on a diet. I've decided I'm a master weightcontrol ninja, never to be worried about what the scale says on a given day. I've beaten the odds, I'm in the 10% who are successful at this. So relax and enjoy life.

This hasn't worked for me, as the graphs will show. It appears I can't (yet, maybe never) trust to the mindful wisdom of the body to make sure I don't over eat.

I'm writing in other posts some analysis, and what I'm doing about it, so I'm going to keep this post just to the stats.

This is the long view, which is helpful to remind me I've been worse.

This is the last couple of years, after reaching goal, to remind me how things have changed recently.
It's not too late to turn this back around!

There's an App for That

I'm gaining weight, and I've decided to try to stick to a 28-day video-based course from the app Eat Right Now. Part of the app is a community discussion, and an invitation to do a journal there. So here is my post from there:

Nan's 2nd Try Journal

I’m back for another run at this. I have completed ERN phase one, some time ago, and dipped back into it and have retained some of the practises. But right now, I weigh several pounds more than when first I started. I think it’s back to basics for me.

I feel this mindful way is the right way to manage my eating and my weight for the rest of my life, despite some evidence to the contrary on the scale. I continue to nuture a small but important-to-me mindfulness practice, using the 10% Happier app most days. When I finished the ERN phase one, I felt fairly well equipped to handle eating anything. I had maintained a large weightloss for more than five years, making me one of those rare success stories. I’ve seen most of the videos for ERN phase 2, and the science was not new to me and the advice on what to eat is pretty much where I am. One of my other big influences for eating is Darya Rose, author of the Foodist, with the Summer Tomato blog. http://www.summertomato.com/. Her philosophy is Life should be Awesome, and no food should be demonized. She encourages mindfulness, as well as cooking and eating almost entirely real food, as a way of life.

During my time away, eating was not a priority as I struggled with some new challenges in different parts of my life, including my hardest physical challenge - learning how to live with migraines. I’m not young, and arthritis is one of my aging body’s other challenges. But I’m fairly active, and love being active, so I’m happy with there that is. Mindfulness helps me deal with these physical challenges and chronic pain. I have recently increased stress at work, but find the challenges there invigorating, and energy is breeding energy - and again, my small daily meditation habit seems to be key to handling this.
So if my life is so awesome, how come I’m gaining weight?

This is not a mystery. I eat fresh real food for breakfast and lunch, (though perhaps in too big portions) but in mid-afternoon I have both hunger and cravings. If I make it through the first danger zone ok, and eat a nice supper, the late-evening cravings kick in, and are very tough, and often I crumble. In both danger zones, it’s sweets that get me.

I have some suspicions, and some experiments to run, about what is happening physically with these triggers. But I also want to focus on applying mindfulness to my eating, so I’ll actually receive the signals from my body as a result of my experiments.

I pushed the magic Reset button and today is Day 1 for me.

Hacking my Habits

I've read a lot about habit formation, and how useful it is to focus on that rather than willpower to do the right thing. I've developed a bunch of habits, including intentionally adding specific ones. We learn, a habit is a loop composed of three things: Stimulus, (re)Action, Reward. Most of our habits are developed unconsciously, and I've learned to observe my behavior, analyze what's going on, and then try to change that loop by breaking the reaction to the stimulus, or avoiding the stimulus altogether. But I've also thought of what habits I want to cultivate, and worked to find the stimulus and reward that change me from thinking about it to just doing it.

I'm convinced you can teach an old dog new tricks, and for me, flossing is Exhibit A. Flossing is a habit probably most of us hear about from our dentists. For me, pretty much before three years ago, I simply didn't floss. I lied to the dentist, "oh yes, I floss once a week" when really I didn't even do that. Every time I went to the dentist, I was ashamed of lying to them, and they warned me about great teeth and bad gums, and begged me to floss. So one day, about a month before my regularly scheduled 3-4 times a year trip to the dentist, I suddenly decided on an experiment. I would floss every day before the visit and see if they could tell, if it really made a difference. I had seen in the store new things for flossing - little furry picks, and sticks with the string strung already. They seemed silly and wasteful, compared to just wrapping string around your fingers, but hey, they were new, and I like new, so I got some. And every day, I flossed. But I didn't just try to remember. I plugged the actions into my morning nearly zombie-like ritual. After the shower, open the medicine cabinet, grab a q tip, then grab a flossing device, then grab the tooth brush. Stimulus: grab the q tip. Action: grab the new silly flossing sticks, floss. Reward: it kind of felt good in the moment, but would it make a difference?

It is really amazing to me what a stir I caused in the dentist's office! The hygienist was all, "Wow, you are really doing something different here! This is amazing! This cleaning is so much easier! I can't wait to show the dentist!" and he was all "Well done!".  I preened myself under their praise, feeling silly at how pleased I was. The habit stuck, and now, a couple of years later, the big reward: we've reduced the number of visits I need to make, a real financial boon.

I've chained a few other early morning habits together - I reach for the deodorant, and then the lotion right next to it. Again, an existing habit is the stimulus, and there is a small reward that intrinsicly comes from the action itself. Things I consistently forget in the morning I'm trying to make into ritual habits, done in the same order, so I don't have to think.

I am stupidly bad at taking my medicine. I'm pretty healthy, but I started taking a twice daily drug for arthritis a year ago, and I've tracked how I feel when I do and don't take it, and I'm convinced it makes a difference, and yet I often miss it. I also have been told by my doctor to take some supplements - Vitamins B and D - but I'm extremely bad at taking those. I have no aversion to the medicines and supplements - just not into the habit yet, despite years of trying. I take tylenol for pain with no hesitation - but the reward of feeling better is closely tied to the act of taking it. These medicines and vitamins are more removed from how I feel, the effect, if any, is removed in time from when I swallow them.

I've had a ritual for a couple of years of recording my medicine intake and then checking in with my body and recording how I feel. This is what has allowed me to decide they do make a positive difference - going back and looking at the results. And yet, my performance in taking them is less than stellar. I'm better at tracking than doing, so it's time to hack this issue.

I got a nice, colorful pill box so I can tell if I took the pills or not. I set one up for my mother every week, and I decided this would help me, because I often simply couldn't remember if I took it or not. But often I would reach for it again and find I hadn't. So good but insufficient.

I have a couple of apps (of course) on my phone I use for tracking meds and physical pain. I grab my phone as I walk from my car to my office at work in the morning. I grab my phone to track if I took my meds, and it's too late if I didn't. The meds are home. So useful to track, but maybe I need to chain the tracking to the taking. Rocket science! Possible breakthrough!

I've been through a couple of iterations of how to do this - when to track to make this work. My morning ritual starts slow, then ends in a rush to get out the door. I have a nominal but not enforced time to get to work, but with my new, busier, job I have found it's useful to get out the door earlier, and the traffic is significantly better with an even 15 minute push. So I keep pushing the attempt to hang this habit on something earlier and earlier, before the mental rush happens.  Not there yet, but this is going to work.

This is a lot of words for a very tiny habit, and set of habits. But I think habits are what are going to carry me through times of stress and busy-ness, clearing away stress to allow more important things to get done.