Clarity

I'm a big fan of self-help books. Each book has given me a nugget of wisdom (rather than the secret to life, the universe and everything), and the best have stayed with me. Some things I picked up from the books are everyday parts of my life. Some others come back at me in bursts.  One point that has stayed with me for years and years I think can be traced back to one of my very first books of this type, lost in the midst of time. But here it is: Ask yourself, "What is the one thing I can do right now, today, that will make my life better?"

The point is, lost in the clutter of productivity tips and to-do lists, you probably know what is most most important. Cut the crap, and just do it. One thing, maybe one small thing, just do it. You know what it is. For many people, it might be a relationship thing (tell your kid you love her), something hard at work, a financial move. For many years, as I lay on the couch reading diet books and eating bon-bons, I knew it was exercise. That's not my thing right now- I have a base level of fitness, could be improved, but I'm much more fit now than 25 years ago. Right now, for me, it's meditation.

I'm not religious. I'm not spiritual. For me, meditation is a secular, phyisical practice I see leading to some improvements in my life. I'm looking for calmness, and seeing the real world clearly. I think it's giving me pieces of it. Self-delusion and living in my head is what I'm trying to avoid. But my meditation practice has led to more understanding of some aspects of religion, especially prayer.

Here's the record of what I did last week.

My meditation goals are modest and incremental, as I test and see if I can achieve them. I've been doing five minutes of unguided meditation at work most days. I have a private office, I can carve out enough time to close the door, set the timer, and sit for five minutes. I focus on the breath, and keep going back to the breath as my mind races ahead to what comes next, what I should have done in the morning, and my family responsibilities. I just note those thoughts - most often plans, rehearsing in my mind the moves to make next, and return to the breath, right now, the way it is. The calming at that moment is really helpful, and I think it spills over to other parts of the day. Because of the meditation, I sometimes can also see what is the other "one thing" I need to do, right then. This is enough to keep me coming back to the meditation.

As usually happens, I am evangelizing a bit. I worry, constantly, about my girl. I gave her my meditation app, which she has downloaded. I'm after her about starting. I'm hoping it will help.

Good Sleep, Bad Sleep

I'm a pretty good sleeper. A flip side to that is that I apparently need a lot of sleep, compared to some people. Actually, need is probably the wrong word, both for me and what I'm assuming about other people. I get a lot of sleep compared to many other other people, and that generally works for me.

I'm also clearly and totally a morning person. I run out of energy in the afternoon and evening, and I have to make sure I use my mornings well, because the later it gets, the less likely it is I'll do something hard or worthwhile or challenging.

I've been tracking my sleep in an automated way for about 10 years now. In that time, I'm learned two actually practical things that I might have realized without the gadgets, but the report from the gadgets made it very clear. The first lesson, right after I started wearing the tracker, was that I'm never going to get eight hours of sleep, or even seven hours, if I only spend six hours in bed. I had in my mind that I go to bed at 10 pm, and I found out I was starting to get ready for bed at 10, but actually getting in bed sometime after 11.  Since then, I've prioritized going to bed early, and so my sleep has gotten longer.  The second big insight is that I often wake up and have to pee in the middle of the night, and I would toss and turn for up to an hour before struggling out of bed briefly, only to fall into a deep, sound sleep right after getting back to bed. So now, when I wake up with the urge, I try to remember to act on it quickly (but waking up in the middle of the night doesn't lend itself to rational thinking so there is limited success on that front).

As trackers have gotten more sophisticated, the detail they give on the sleep has gotten more sophisticated. My current Fitbit Blaze tracks my heartrate round the clock as well as motion, so now it purports to show deep, light, and REM sleep, as well as awake and sleep times. It also shows how my sleep stacks up against other folks in my general demographic, women of roughly my age. So when I say I'm usually a good sleeper, I am speaking from an informed position.

This week was interesting from seeing how stress (see previous post on new job) has affected my sleep.  Here are graphics from each night this week:

Monday night (labelled for Tues morning) - this is good sleep. Quickly into deep sleep, and a solid long uninterrupted period at that. Plenty of REM sleep, and scattered as is typical, with more later towards dawn. I was juiced and energized by the work challenges to come.

Tuesday night - grasping the reality of the challenges led to rumination and concern. Deep sleep happened, but only towards morning, a very unusual pattern.

Wednesday night started out showing how very exhausted I was from the poor sleep the night before. Deep deep sleep. But then awake around 3 am and not really back to worthwhile sleep. I did turn on the phone to do a guided meditation when I couldn't otherwise calm my mind, but it's not clear it paid off in more actual sleep.

Thursday night. Really really tired after two not so restful nights. There is some deep sleep and some REM, but in an unusual pattern and some long wakefulness in the reaches of the night.

This may be about as good as it gets, consolidated deep and REM sleep, in appropriate times of the night, few periods of wakefulness. Spoiler - I medicated myself - a benedryl because I was going nuts with itchy skin from the cold weather. I woke at about my normal wake time (a good sign) and rolled over and dreamed for about an hour. 

I'm going to let today be a low energy day, but with plenty of sunlight exposure, and I hope for another good night of sleep.

Kicked Upstairs

I am sucked into the whirlwind at work, asked to serve in a higher level position temporarily. To my surprise, yesterday I found out that was two notches higher than my normal job, a much bigger and more responsible job with no safety net. The high level post will be for a few weeks, waiting for the new permanent appointee, after which I'll move to a second seat, supporting the new guy, coaching and drawing on my "vast experience and wise counsel", for what is likely to be a much longer stint. I'll be the safety net.

When did I move from being the new kid to having vast experience?

I love my (normal) job. It is interesting, at times stressful, it feels useful. I figure I'll be in it until I retire, which I've been saying for the last three years is three to five years away. But sometimes folks at my work have a way of actually, literally, saying "your country needs you" to force one to step up. (I should mention rewards for doing so are only intrinsic or symbolic; no more money comes my way.) So away from the familiar and comfortable, and into the unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

It is energizing to be faced with this challenge, and more than a little bit daunting. But it's not a good time to be making resolutions for improved diet and more exercise!

Last year was not a good year for my weight. It was only an ok year for exercise. I stuck with the personal training at the gym, and that's a great thing. But running, not so much. I collect statistics automatically, fitbit and scale, so I've got the facts. Not a lot of time spent reviewing and analyzing them, however. Hardly any food tracking, though some photos.

My holidays were practically perfect in every way, the perfect break for the new year and the new challenges (which I had wind of but no certainty).  I think the timing of Christmas and New Year's holidays falling on Mondays is great. I had the three-day weekend to be ready for Christmas, making cooking and celebrating relatively stress-free. The whole family departed before dawn on the 26th, with hassle-free flights to Miami, transfer to a casual cruise ship, perfect weather to relax in the warm sun, and return on the Friday before New Years. Again the three day weekend at home before venturing into the whirlwind.

So I had time to reflect and resolve and work out. But I didn't, not so much. I read books and blogs, watched movies and binged on TV, hung with the family, ate too much, cooked when home, and generally lived only in the present. I did do quite a bit of walking, even with our very cold weather.

So the one thing I am trying to add to my life is more meditation. I believe it will spill over to everything else, work and personal, and even my eating and weight. So I'm focusing on mindfulness.  My specific approach is using an app, "10% Happier", done by Dan Harris who wrote the book of the same title. There are many guided meditations, which I find useful, and a timer for unguided, which I'm working on - it's harder to maintain focus all on my own, but that is where the benefits ultimately lie. Partly why I use the app even for the unguided time is because it records my minutes of meditation and so I can track and be realistic if I'm accomplishing my goals.

Work Candy Jar Spoils

I need to take my eating in hand. I know the single biggest thing is to plan and cook.  The second biggest is to track and face the reality of my consumption. Yesterday I was faced with a whirlwind all day. I had brought my food in to the office (yay, me, the first step) and ate it on the fly, while meeting with people or studying for the next meeting. No pictures, no mindful pause. At 4 pm I was exhausted. I did pause, briefly and think, checking in with my body. Craving or hungry?  I was legitimately hungry, as well as tired and in need of a boost. No caffeine source closer than Starbucks across the street, a 15 minute round trip, so instead it was the office candy jar. That kept me going until I got home a few hours later, where my evening was not so good. Frozen dinner (not unhealthy palak paneer, just 450 calories) and more, much more, chocolate. I wouldn't feel bad about the office candy, except I believe it contributed to the later poor choices by the post-sugar crash. I meditated late in the evening while lying in bed, managed to stay awake through the guided process. But sleep was disturbed and fragmented. At 3 am, ruminating fruitlessly on work challenges, I did another guided meditation focused on tuning in to the body and relaxing.

Snow delay today has given me time to write. Food plan today is heat up healthy vegetable fritatta, my meat and salad dressing with greens bought from the salad bar at work, and this time take an apple and nuts for the 4 pm crash. Gym appointment after work, across the street from Whole Foods, so food bar for dinner and to purchase tomorrow's lunch.

And MAKE THE TIME TO MEDITATE!  One minute counts, five is better, ten is better and my minimum goal.

Slippery Slope?

I've been eating really well, and sticking mostly to the mindful eating and picture taking of most food. Lots of vegetables, and really no sweets. But for some reason, Friday I really really wanted my bed time snack. I went for a single dark chocolate mint Dove square. I know a single piece of chocolate is not going to make a material difference, but will it make enough of a psychological difference to start me down the "what the hell" path?  Or, is going ahead and having this thing keeping me from feeling deprived, and thus keeping me from an eating rebound?

I know that mindful is what I need to be, whatever the context around this. Stay tuned for how this develops.

Magic cup of coffee

Last night, when I stepped through my neighbor's front door, I was consumed by the smell of coffee. "What can I get you?" Sergio asked, "I'm having wine, and we've got tea and coffee and water".

"I'll have some coffee, please". "Are you sure? It's not decaf."  "Then just a small cup."

It was the best cup of coffee I've had in a long time, deep dark and rich. I only drank half a cup, because I was afraid of the caffeine. I could practically chew it.

But as it turns out, it gave me more than usual late evening energy, to walk the dog, do some chores, and go to bed only half an hour later than usual. According to my Fitbit, I dropped into a deep sleep immediately, and the rest of the night was perfectly normal.

I have to get I invited back and learn her secret!

Work Prom

In Washington, often an interest group will throw a gala event at about this time of year, bringing together government and industry to put on their best duds and give someone a prize. My industry is no exception. It has become customary to refer to these events as "the prom" - just this week, NPR did a thing on the "tax prom".

So I'm going to the prom!  I will be able to go with a colleague whose wife hates these events, which also relieves me from getting a date. This is full-up black tie, and so I need a dress and associated bling. I last went to this nearly a decade ago, so I did some snooping on facebook and yes, folks still go for the glamour. They even have a red carpet photo op spot (though not so many people do this).  In the few pix from the last few years, dresses were long, short, or in between, and overwhelmingly black. If not black, red, and a very few royal blues. Solid colors all, in the photos I saw.

When I decided to go, I thought I had the perfect dress hanging in the back of my closet. Sadly, when I went to try it on, it was just the tiniest bit too tight in my fattest part, my hips. I haven't given up on it yet - super-squeezing shapewear is winging its way to me. Can I wear it, and will it be sufficiently comfortable?  It really is perfect: black velvet, with rivers of shorn pile running vertically in curves. In the rivers, the burgundy lining shows, giving it a reddish shimmer. Knee length, sleeveless sheath.

I have a backup dress, not nearly as glamorous. It is stretchy polyester, patterned blues, and way too long. Except the for the length, it looks really good on me, ruched to show off my best feature, an actual waist. It's not my first choice for this event, but it'll do if the length is right. And if the length is right, I might wear it more often at other events of lesser glam. So it is being shortened.

If I have learned one thing from Tom and Lorenzo, it's that the accessories can make the outfit. I have a cut velvet shawl, and a small black beaded clutch purse, which will work for either dress. But shoes? Jewelry?

I used to dutifully change my shoes every day at the office after riding the metro in, until finally I decided this was nuts. I should wear shoes I can walk in, all day, every day. I kept a pair of heels in the office, in case I ever got a chance to meet the President.  Then I did meet the President, and didn't wear the heels.  So out to the trash every pair of heels went. And it was President (Bill) Clinton, so it was a while ago!  Mostly I wear trousers to work, and with them oxfords, or lately ankle boots. With dresses, it's mostly mary janes or sandals in the summer, as ballets don't work well with my bunion.

But I went out with my girl today, and got a pair of kitten heels, in black suede.  I don't know how long I'll be able to stand them - I'm going to practice around the house!  And sheer black hose.

We also got make-up - something else I gave up around the turn of the century. Another thing I need to practice. Mascara, eye liner, base, and lipstick. Maybe this is too much.

So the big dress decision will be Wednesday night. The event is Friday, and I'll probably have to change at work and go there directly, so really minimal primping with makeup and hair. Jewelry is still in progress, and will get its own post.

More food pix

I'm continuing to struggle to take a picture of all of the food I eat.  It continues to challenge me. A few days this week, I was perfect. One day, I totally missed each meal.  This despite thinking while cooking, "gonna pause and take a picture, gonna pause and take a picture".

Why am I bothering? Because I want the pause.  This is part of mindfulness. I may change my internal dialogue to "Pause and breathe three times. Now a picture. Now eat."  Unconscious eating has been an issue for me, especially in the evening when paying attention is hard because I'm tired.

Lunch at work

I am subbing in some very crude drawings if I forgot to take a picture. Doing that makes a record, but it doesn't serve the pause before eating mindfulness goal.

My latest photos are not just the food, but the setting, to show more context where I'm eating.

Remember, all the photos, bundled into a day at a time, are on the tumblr here (and linked at right as Every Bite).

Here are a couple of this week's pix.

The good news is this week was essentially all food prepared at home. Lunch is my meat, probably my salad dressing, often my special add-ins (olives, parmesan crackers, crispy onions...) and lettuce and spinach from the cafeteria.  Buying their greens means a much small container to transport, and I find greens not keeping in my fridge for long.

I continue to not do cooking during the week, but the past two weeks I've focused my weekends on cooking and managed not to waste a lot of food.