Across the Bay 10K

I never had any real desire to do a 10K, but that was the only way I could go across the Bay Bridge. I signed up back in about July, so I had time to train. I did some longish runs on Friday nights after work, with the last being 6 miles. I figured that was close enough, since 10 kilometers is about 6.2 miles (not quite a quarter of a marathon). This is now the height of my ambition. No further is necessary - maybe 10 miles on a weekend jog, but no further.

It was good fun and I felt great.  I'm pleased that my pace towards the end was as good as my pace at the beginning.  There were 21,000 people!  They had to start in waves, because the bridge is 26 feet wide. A friend in the first wave finished (in about 45 minutes) while I was still waiting for the bus to the starting line.  I took an hour and fourteen minutes, at a pace equal to my 5K paces, so I'm very happy with how I did.  My girl asked if I won. The good thing about competing with yourself is you are bound to win no matter what!  I'm already signed up for next year.

I love statistics!

21,000 people

They closed one of the two spans

Near the beginning

More than half way

At the finish line

Big backup for buses back to parking afterwards

One way across the Bay

Anchors

High pressure beautiful day after the storm...

HMS Surprise. Sorry for the labored language, I'm under the spell
of all 20 books in the Patrick O'Brian series.

Make and mend day aboard the old barky. Rigging, decks and below are all ahoo from the recent tossing and turning. A falling glass indicates more rough weather on the way, but today is blessed with a gentle breeze. Equipment and clothes are strewn about, drying and ready to be inspected and mended before stowing. Shift from hot weather towards cold; things will be re-stowed in new places for the new conditions. Grateful for the opportunity to make things right before the breeze picks up again.

I've been thinking a lot about anchors. Twice this year, the engine failed on my boat, and I was immensely grateful for the literal security of the anchor holding us secure. But there are many metaphorical anchors in my life, and not all are so useful.

Sunday's slow run

Rocky, The Very Hungry Labrador, is a fabulous walking dog, but he is a real drag to go running with. I'm trying to build mileage, both running and walking, getting ready for the 10K Across the Bridge next month. Yesterday, I wanted to run, and was looking forward to pushing myself. But the day was so very fabulous I couldn't leave him behind shut in the house. I didn't regret it, even though after two miles he was done. He wouldn't move beyond his steady trot, except sometimes when I dangled a treat just beyond his nose. Just like towing a sea anchor the whole way. So I got most of the distance but not the extra conditioning that would come from pushing. But Rocky got to go swimming in the Chesapeake, so it was totally worth it.

I've also been trying to meditate more often. Less often than once a day, for less than fifteen minutes at a pop, the breath serves as my anchor. It is refreshing, even when I'm exhausted. I can almost always still my mind to do five minutes of silent meditation - in my car while waiting for my girl, in my office after lunch, snatches of time stolen from other "shoulds". Longer, requires guided meditations. Of course, there is an app for that.  It works for me.  I also will just stop for a few deep breaths and it helps, throughout the day.  It doesn't fix everything, but it makes me feel better.

Boy Nbr 1 was ringbearer at their first commitment
ceremony, 17 years ago, before their first child.

I worry I'm anchored too much in the past. Mindfulness calms me, and I can be in my individual moment, but I need to be present for others. I need to know what I have right now, what to do right now, and what we're looking forward to in the future. I attended a party on Friday out of state, old friends we haven't seen for a while. (A gay couple who were in Peace Corps with my sister, finally able to be legally hitched.) For us, it was a nostalgia trip. But for them, it was all about the happy present and hopeful future. Most of their friends have children about the same age, and so adolescents and pre-teens swarmed the food and dominated the dancing. It was a fun time, but it made me think.

My girl has a tough road ahead. I need to see her for herself, as herself, speaking for herself, not through a lens filled with all my issues from an imperfect life. I need to let go the anchor of the past, and head out with the tides and the breeze, dealing with what is there and coming up, not what should have been.

Anomie, Ennui, and Inertia

Anomie:  personal unrest, alienation, and uncertainty that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals.
Ennui:  a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest; boredom.
Inertia:  a feeling of not having the energy or desire that is needed to move or change.

Shades of meaning. Not quite the same thing, but clearly related. At different times, I suffer from all three.

This summer, the family went away without me. I had my job. I had my house, my dog, my boat, my friends. And yet, anomie seized me, even at work. What was I supposed to be doing? Why?  I was physically restless, far from inertia, walking and running to try to work off the restlessness and drive myself to the deep sleep of exhaustion. It could be quite pleasant, beyond the momentary physical relief.  But disconnected from the family, I failed to find purpose in anything.  Things did not become magically clear when the family returned, but  it was far easier to pause and ask myself, "what should I be doing right now?" and receive an answer that was clear and directed.  Not always (though often) directed at the welfare of the family, but clear and filled with purpose.  This is something to think about, as I prepare for an emptier nest next year.

Restless with anomie or purposeful, inertia or ennui sometimes seizes me. Paired with anomie, I can feel like the walking dead with no brains in sight to give me a direction. But also, the "what should I be doing" can be clear, and yet I don't do it. So of course that leads to guilt and shame.  Sometimes, that lack of action is driven by a lack of energy, physically, everything just seems overwhelming. Sometimes, it is the spirit that is lacking. There can be external causes that are clear and present. There is the serpent's tooth of the teenager, rebuffing my doing what I should. There can be lack of sleep, allergies, setbacks at work. Or the black cloud can just show up and visit, in either form.

When it is ennui, often I will find something else to do - walk, go someplace, do something other than the thing I should be doing, but at least do something. Break from the boredom, the same-old, same-old. An ice cream run may occur. I might even do some kind of a project. Movement may lead to additional momentum to get back to the shoulds, or at least produce something tangible I can feel good about.

But when it's inertia, usually I watch tv, surf cat videos, read an easy book, or go to sleep in the middle of the day, not things that I feel proud of later. It is killing time. Just trying to get through it, and let it pass.  Ice cream is too much work.  Work is too much work. (Thank god for meetings, the alternative to actual work.)  It passes, eventually.

Don't worry, guys. Depression runs in my family and I know it when I see it. This is not a huge, prevalent, looming problem for me. In fact, because it is rare, I try to pin it down, regard it from all sides, and figure it out. I want precision in my self diagnosis. Perhap the precision will assist in self-prescribing a cure.

I have an app:  gottaFeeling.  It prompts to look at its word lists, and find the precise one that matches the feeling of the moment.  It keeps track of history, and shows using colors in a beautiful graphic what has been reported as going on inside. I am not regular and faithful using it. It's probably a fair assumption that when I do report often, it's because I feel off track.  But it's interesting to me to look at, and think about. No aha moments, but a perspective more reliable than pure memory. "I've been feeling down a lot, let me see what I can do to help pull myself out of the hole." or "Gosh, look at all that yellow happiness there! What was going on? How can I do that again?"

Tracking, guys. It's what I do.

NOT Fat????!!!

I did a big push on losing weight starting in late January. Since then, I've had some bobbles up and down, but the trend has been down.  I'm not at my goal, but I've also decided not to focus on that goal for a while.  In the meantime, I am, for the first time in 15 years, at a Body Mass Index that says I am in the "normal" weight category.  This after decades of bouncing between "obese" and "overweight".  Yes, it's just a shade over the line. But over it is.

The ups and downs of my weight, since 1988. The horizontal gridlines are 10 pounds apart, and the highest to lowest weight are 50 pounds apart.

Does this mean I'm not fat?  I mean, if I'm not a fat person, then what am I?  My identity has been tied up in being a fat person my whole life. I was a fat kid. I remember looking at a camp form the summer I was 12, and to the question "Obese?" the doctor had written "borderline".  The earliest weights on this graph, in 1988, are from my Weight Watcher's book I found.  Obviously I joined because I was fat and wanted to lose weight - why else?

First world problems, folks. I'm not complaining about my weight, not by any means. In fact, while there is still plenty to criticize about my looks, in general I'm very happy with my body right now. While my top and bottom are still about size apart, buying clothes is much easier now than before. But the first time I realized the BMI number meant I was "normal", it was jarring, disorienting.  What does this mean for who I am?

I'm still five pounds above the "ideal weight" I've had in my mind since before those early Weight Watcher days, so I'm still someone who aspires to lose weight. But why? At this point, I don't believe five pounds makes an iota of difference to my health.  My legs are still fat, and I think I'll look a little better when I go down a little bit more.  But it won't be way better, because even though I'm building muscle, I'll still have sagging, older skin, no matter what I weigh. Not enough loose skin to be surgically removed, but enough to show.  So I'm doing it purely for looks, not for any other grander idea. But it won't suddenly transform me into Helen Mirren, not by a long shot.

Because it is currently fruit, sweet corn, ice cream, and beer season, I have moderated my Atkins diet significantly. My intent is to maintain for about another month, and then blitz the last five pounds.  If I can convince my body it likes this current weight, compared to the 10-pounds higher I was for the last few years, I'm pretty confident my blitz will work. To some extent, I'm doing it to see if I can. And if I can, I'd like to stay there.

This year's weight loss. The blip up in June was the San Francisco trip. On this chart, the horizontal lines are two pounds apart, so you can see I've bounced within a two pound range since July.

But why? What does it mean to be "normal"?  We all know I will never be able to just eat what I want and lie around as much as I want, so I'll always be paying attention (or else paying the price). But when maintaining I'm able to eat a much wider variety of foods and I like that. And I like buying an ice cream cone and sitting outside to eat it without thinking how everyone passing by is criticizing me in their mind, "no wonder she's fat".  I like the way I look in many of my clothes. When I walk into a room of people I don't know, I like that I no longer assume the first thing they think is "oh, she's fat".

I'm working out often and vigorously now.  I think I'm a project for my trainer - she has let me know I'm the oldest person she has trained, and she is experimenting with how hard she can push me. I am also running (thanks to a brief break in the weather) and systematically pushing to go further and faster.  I am filled with aches and pains, but I am overall healthy and quite possibly stronger than I was twenty years ago.   Forty years of hypochondria, and I always think I'm coming down with something. But the number of times I've gone to the gym because I have an appointment when I considered calling in sick is equal to the number of times I felt better afterwards, minus only one time when I really was sick.

I worry now when I walk into a room of strangers they are judging me for being old, and I'm trying to own that, not deny it.  I'm trying to rock the whole "wisdom" thing. I've been there, done that, my T-shirt wore out years ago, but let me listen to what you have to say and see if I can't coach you to be more successful than me. At the same time, I watch people more closely than I ever have, trying to figure out what I want to be like, because I'm not done changing yet.  I consciously try to walk more briskly, with a spring in my step, instead of the saunter or plod that was my more normal mode of moving through the world.  I'm listening more, and trying to talk less.  But I'm nowhere near ready to go all white in the hairs, no matter how much I try to own my age.  Every five weeks, Paul fixes me up.

I know how very fragile my new found strength and body confidence are.  All it will take is an injury, or a melt-down from a certain adolescent, or a change in my work circumstances, and I could shoot right back up to the top of the curve.  But I'm enjoying this now while I can, and trying to capture what allows me to be here.

Let's Get It Started in Here!

I'm running, and running, and running...

I've had a good few weeks for running, with some down spots along the way. The first week of July, I ran in a women's 5K in Annapolis, for the second year in a row.  My time this year was two full minutes faster than last year's race!  That is a really big deal.

I joined a tiny little running club, and it's helping me show up.  Way cheaper than personal training, this "club" is a meet-up group. Every Sunday morning there is a rendezvous to run around a little man-made lake, and afterwards we go get bagels. (Except I get coffee, no bagels for me.)  There have been as few as two and as many as six of us so far. Each of us goes around the lake a couple of times at our own individual paces.  I like the company, and I like the repetition because it lets me compare from one week to the next, and I'm definitely getting faster.

In addition to Sunday mornings, I'm trying to run Fridays after work, down on the mall.  It is one of the places people travel from all over the world to see, so why not?  I don't run outside when its over 90 degrees, so I've actually done it twice.  This past Friday was relatively awesome.  Good weather, and I felt good. I put in four miles, which is far for me.

Meetup.com is a website where anyone can set up a group and announce a time and place to get together. I've been to several meetups, starting with the Quantified Self, where I gave my talk about my graphs. I've also been to some technical data visualization sessions, and last year did some hikes. I searched for local running groups, and stumbled on one organized by a guy nearby. Basically, he or the co-organizer decide on rendezvous time and place and enter it into the website, and anyone pretty much can sign up and go.  They also post races members are going to, so I heard about some fun ones. In September, I'll go run the runways at Dulles Airport, a 5K.  In October, I'll be doing the Dead Man's Run at Historic Congressional Cemetery again - and this time, I think I'll have company from our meetup club.  In November, I'm going to run the Chesapeake Bay Bridge - and this race is a 10K - about 6 1/2 miles.  I'll need to get the distance up by then.

I've been looking for a training plan to follow. I've not found anything on-line that works for me, but I've read enough general guidance to figure out a routine that could work. "Tempo" runs are ones where you try to keep a set pace for a certain time period. That is what I tried to do today and succeeded to get my fastest run at the lake so far- no walk breaks.  "Long" runs are what they sound like - set out to go the distance, and pretty much ignore pace.  For me, that means its ok to intersperse walk breaks.  That is what I'm trying for on Fridays down on the mall.  "Intervals" are short bursts of trying to be fast, with slower periods for recovery.  If I am able to do a midweek morning run (by "able", I mean have the gumption, there is no physical reason not to) that is what I should try for.  The dog is not interested in running far for long, so that's another reason short intervals should work for us. I leave him behind on Sundays, and he's obviously not at work with me on Fridays. Since he becomes a boat anchor when he's had enough, that means I need the time both to run and to walk him.

I continue to go to the gym, twice a week. My trainer mixes intense cardiac intervals with the strength training, which is also helping the running.  Pretty much, I have a constant series of aches and pains. My sciatica is my little friend, always there just above my right buttock, sending messages down the leg as far as my ankle.  Both knees are sore, though the right one is more bothersome. I stubbed my toe last week, and after two dog walks and a lake run, it was red and swollen. "Runners logic" said go to the gym, just don't do any box jumps.  Last week, I seem to have slept wrong and got a knot in my right scapula. It's worst when I sit or sleep, however, it gets better with movement. Anytime it rains, I wake up with sneezing fits from whatever gets released into the atmosphere with moisture.   This torrent of complaints is to say this activity may be leading towards "younger next year" but it doesn't mean I feel awesome all the time.  It makes me happy and makes me feel strong, however.

Except the first five minutes, every time. That is such a huge hurdle, and the biggest barrier to keeping it up.  Here is the track record (so to speak) - I want to get the count up for August.

San Francisco and What I Ate

Spectacular conference location

What a terrific time I had!  I stayed 5 nights - that seemed about right to me. Not a big trip that needed lots of prep and lots of finishing up things at work so I could get away. I was ready to come home, but enjoyed all the time there.  Oh, and the talk went pretty well. It may be on the internet again. I really enjoyed hearing others talk on their data and discoveries.

Aquarium of the Bay

I decided in advance I was going to eat well if not wisely. But I never thought of it as "cheating" - cheating who of what?  I was going to enjoy myself. It turns out I can enjoy myself without going totally overboard (for those who think two ice cream treats in a single day that also featured beer is not going overboard).  I have raised my deliciousness threshold much higher than it used to be, so was only tempted  into carb-land when the bread was truly sour or the beer was a locally made draft.  Ben and Jerry's doesn't cut it anymore - I required my sweets to be local and preferably unusual.

My big boy came along, and we traveled fairly well together. Several of his high school and college friends have settled in the area, so he spent about half or more of his time with them and the rest with me. That was just fine with me. At the beginning, I had my conference, and I've always enjoyed wandering around looking at things on my own which I did the other days. What is always awkward for me when traveling is eating dinner alone (lunches are easy). I'm better than I used to be about going to a nice restaurant and telling the host "just me for dinner", but it still takes some of my finite supply of gumption to do it. So it was fine that it worked out that we ate together most nights.  One night, however, alone in a large dining room, I pulled out my phone and read through dinner.

We had the fabulous experience of the Cafe at Chez Panisse. I've wanted to go to Chez Panisse since I first read of it thirty years ago. Sadly, the restaurant was closed the nights I could go, but the more casual cafe was open and it was perfect.  There, my boy and I first discovered that we have very similar tastes in food and drink - our first and second choices were the same, so we flipped who got what and did tastings. This continued for the rest of the trip.

One thing I remembered to do at Chez Panisse, and then continued for the rest of the trip, was to slow way down in my eating and savor.  I didn't want to rush the Chez Panisse experience, but then I discovered that "savoring" each bite in a mindful way was really worth it. I continued to do this the rest of the trip, and was truly content with simply three forkfuls of a chocolate cake a couple of days later.  My boy ate the rest.

We were staying at Fisherman's Wharf. My conference was about a mile away along the waterfront, so I started right in getting lots of walking. This continued, interspersed with two days of running. One day I got 35,000 steps on the fitbit - my previous record was 25K, set the day before, but before that I had topped out several times over the past few months at 20K. I also ran along the waterfront a couple of mornings. I

Dinner at Chez Panisse

thought of participating in a 5K while I was there, but the logistics of getting to the suburban location defeated me.  Instead, I took a bus to Sausalito and walked. I also thought of walking across the Golden Gate bridge, but after taking the bus over it I was pretty sure I didn't have the head to handle the height. So I walked some more along the waterfront instead and had some fabulous fish tacos while eating outside.

My boy and I hiked the length of Golden Gate park, had a fabulous lunch on the beach, and then hiked along the coastal trail up the Pacific shore and around the point to the Golden Gate. I really like hiking.  I was reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed while I was there, and was inspired to look and see if there is a coastal trail the length of the Pacific Coast in the U.S.. It appears there is an attempt to establish one the length of California, at least. I bookmarked some resources describing the routes and the trails, and also some sites that feature routes for "inn to inn hiking".  I kind of like that idea - I've thought of foreign walking tours (Tuscany comes to mind), but the California coast is also pretty exotic to this eastern girl.  It's something to seriously consider for a future vacation.

This guy really wanted my ice cream cone but it was MINE

So I'm actually tired and footsore from my vacation, but in a good way.  Time to tighten up my eating again - bye bye extra dark Ghiradelli Squares, hello garlicky creamed kale - and see how long it takes to get back on track to losing weight.

(written 6/24 pm, but holding off posting until pictures are consolidated).

Out in Public

I'm taking a vacation in San Francisco. Why SF and why now is because there is a small conference on Quantified Self. This is the (national) group of data geeks that are into hacking themselves, by collecting and analyzing all kinds of data. They asked me to reprise the talk I gave back in November to our local group. So I wrapped a short vacation around the conference dates and took advantage of conference hotel rates to stay right on Fishermans Wharf. Then I talked my big boy into coming out with me.

I've been practicing my talk, which has to be structured a certain way. I worked hard on my slides. Imagine my surprise to walk into the conference facility and discover MY DATA splashed up on a 15 foot tall pillar!