Light and Dark

The entrance of a lava tube cave
in Iceland. The light at the end 
of the tunnel!

I'm very attuned to the light. I bought my house for its big windows, and I follow the light from room to room during the day. I wrote extensively about light in this post back in 2019. I still follow the same routine at home, following the sun each day. I'm very aware of seasonal changes, and as dark has come earlier this year, I though about adding more and brighter lights inside, as it has become difficult to read (from anything but a backlit screen) or do anything with details in less than full sunlight.

I decided to have my cataracts out of my eyes, as an alternative to buying more lights! I'm at the midpoint now, a week since I had the first eye done, the second to follow in two weeks. There were several reasons for doing this, but one of the most compelling to me was hearing from my neighbor about his experience. He noted how, during the time after the first eye was done but not the second, he could wink and see a huge difference in how bright the world was. This was very appealing to me! Another reason is that I am getting upgraded lenses, so that I'm likely to be able to avoid wearing glasses in almost all conditions! (At least for a while.)

It's been a mixed experience so far. The jury is still out on results. The actual operation was not a huge deal, despite high anxiety beforehand. In a rare case of collecting on all the chauffering I did in her youth, my girl picked me up at 6:15 am to go off to a surgery center across town. As I lay on my gurney, with an IV port in my hand, I wondered why I thought it was a good idea. But shortly, I was wheeled into the "laser room", where I received an injection near the eye, and then small metal fingers were placed in my eye to hold it open (!!!) and a large machine positioned over my eye made noises while apparently things were done to my eye via laser. It took 3 minutes. I guess it was pre-programmed based on photos of the eyeball taken earlier. Then I was wheeled to a different operating room, where I received an anesthetic via the IV port. I had been warned that while I wasn't going to be unconscious, the anesthesia would cause short term memory loss. Sure enough, the next thing I remember I was in the recovery room and a nurse was placing a perforated plastic patch over the eye (it was mounded, so nothing actually touched my eye, only the skin around the eye socket). In just a few minutes, my girl was escorting me out and driving me home. No pain, except for inserting the IV. 

The patch came off as soon as I got home, per instructions. It goes back on every time I lie down, because it would be easy to accidentally poke my eye or put pressure on it by burying my face in a pillow. That first day, I dozed, ate convenience food, listened to books rather than read or watch anything. I seemed to be seeing fine, and I went to bed early. Still no pain, and none since.

When I woke up before sunrise the next morning and peeled off the eye patch, everything was dark! I winked my alternating eyes, and with the old eye I could see via dim ambient light, but with the new eye I could see nothing! As I peered around in increasing panic, I could faintly make out a single bright LED marking something charging across the room. Everything else was pure black!

I switched on the light and things became more clear. I certainly wasn't blind in the new eye, but it was dim. Very very dim! The opposite of what I had been expecting. I subdued my panic as I went about my morning routine of coffee and the ipad. As I do when very upset, I wrote. Here is an excerpt: "It's as if there were several layers of smoked glass between me and the world." And: "I am terrified! I do not want this! I don't know if it will ever be better." And, finally, "I will not do the other eye if this this is normal. How can I go to Norway's polar night and look at Northern Lights?" Let's all cheer my catastrophizing! Who needs clear thinking in moments of crisis?

I had a nine o'clock check in at the doctor's office, and I drove myself to it. I wore a pair of glasses I found in my broken glasses drawer, already missing the right lens, but with the left lens intact to give me distance vision. As the sun came up (behind thick clouds), I could see decently, but when I pulled into the parking garage, it got very dim. Looking through both eyes was worse than looking through just the old one. 

I was upset! They had given me a list of things to not worry about and those to be concerned about, and it being dark was not on either list! A very brief foray onto the internet did not lead to any stories about darkness, just pain and loss of focus which were not issues for me. But when I saw the technician a few moments later, she said "your pupil isn't dilating, that's normal, of course check with the doctor, but I can see your pupil is tiny". So when I saw the doctor, she said the last thing she did was put in drops to freeze the pupil, so the shape doesn't change the first day while the new lens is settling in. I whined about how that wasn't on the caution sheet. She assured me it would be better by the next morning, Friday. I told her I'd call her if it wasn't. The actual test of visual acuity was an anticlimax - outstanding clarity both near and far! And, as the day wore on and it got lighter, my eye seemed to be settling down.

But then it got dark again! The second night was as bad as the first, but I just went to bed early, counting on it being all better as the doctor had promised. When I woke up the next morning, it was NOT all better! But, it was significantly better. I decided not to call her, knowing that meant not calling until Monday. I would give it the weekend. The day turned out to be shiny and bright, and my new eye seemed to be just fine in the light. It was Halloween, and our neighborhood has a children's parade and party, which started slightly before sunset. I went, and as it got dark, I realized the eye was still a problem. I winked away, comparing the view, and I resolved to cancel the second eye if it wasn't completely better by Monday. Catastrophizing was still in full flame, and I knew I couldn't agree to let myself become handicapped by having no night vision in both eyes!

 Fast forward through the weekend, where by Sunday morning, the eye was FINALLY totally equal to the old eye in (subjective) light transmission. Success! So no call to make on Monday.

Now, after a whole week, I'm pretty happy with how it is. It's supposed to continue getting better. I see the doctor again next week, and the week after that I'm scheduled to have the second eye done. I am mostly leaving off the one-lens glasses, instead relying on my new eye for both distance and close up. Though I wore them yesterday when driving, my driver's license says "corrective lenses". It takes maybe thirty seconds after I put them on or take them off, and several blinks, for my brain to snap to reading the signals clearly. I still wear the eye patch to sleep, put drops in several times a day, and have an exercise ban. I'm not supposed to bend over, nothing that will raise the pressure in my eye, so I've perfected my squat for picking things up off the floor. 

I will be discussing with my eye doctor about how to handle the adjustments in light transmission when I see her before the next eye operation. But, knowing about it, and knowing its temporary, I think I could live with the whole dark experience if necessary. 

Last thing, I may explore cosmetic surgery around the eyes once I'm fully healed. I have some growths on my lids, and my lids droop, especially the left one. If I don't hide my eyes behind glasses any more, I may want them to look better.