Self-Talk, Self-Care, Self-Love

I've been thinking a lot about my interior dialogue. Of course, I have a constant running rumination, but it's really shocking to actually tune in and hear the less-than-kind way I address myself. Word choice matters a lot, not just in the "big things" but also in the little things.

I've been a meditator for a while now, and I've always had a problem with the type of meditation known as "loving kindness". Frankly, it sounds like the woo-woo stuff I've always run far away from. The language and phrasing, invariably delivered in a special meditator's voice that comes across as pretentious to me, are sappy and sometimes downright silly. I doubt the power of positive thoughts to do much for oblivious recipients. And then, to apply that woo-woo stuff to myself...! I can't even. "You are perfect just as you are!"  P-U-L-E-A-S-E spare me! I am so far from perfect I can't even type the phrase without grimacing!

I've had a lot of problems with language around self-care, as well. "Self-indulgence, more like!" I think. I have no shortage of self-indulgences, from impulse shopping to ice cream or TV binges. I don't need more self-care, I need more self-discipline, to go out there and do more things that matter better. There is so far for me to go to live up to my own standards and judgement.

But through my various works at self-improvement, I've heard repeatedly that "self-love" is a necessary precursor for lasting change. At the same time, meditation has given me the ability to actually observe and overhear my inner dialogue, which is a manifestation of my relationship with myself. I definitely have an inner mean girl (and we don't need to delve here into why the voice sounds so much like my mother). So when my meditation app (Ten Percent Happier) said they were doing a New Year's challenge around self-love, I decided to give it a go.  

Well, it turns out that Dan Harris, the self-described "fidgety skeptic" behind the app, shares my distaste for the whole subject, and yet understands its importance for the same reasons I do. Leading up to the meditation challenge, he did several podcasts (also named "Ten Percent Happier") about what is really meant by the practice and approach of self-love, why it is necessary, and how to approach it so that it feels authentic and not forced bullshit. The challenge itself, short video clips followed by a daily meditation, was useful and I was faithful at participating. But it was really the conversations on the podcasts that helped me so much. 

So I don't have to use the loving-kindness vocabulary, and I don't have to jump all the way to pretending I'm perfect. I'm a work in progress, for sure. Self-love may be a bridge too far, but I can get to self-acceptance for sure. I'm a person, and deserve credit just for that. I don't have to look back at my accomplishments to justify my existence. Simply being here is all it takes to be worthy of love. In the language of one of the first meditations I learned, "as long as you are breathing know there is more right with you than not". 

So I've been cutting myself a lot more slack lately. I still have the urge to do more, be more, be better. But I think I'm more tuned to being kind when I don't live up to my own expectations. By listening to the way I talk to myself - turning inchoate feelings into actual words, often on the page, helps me get out useless loops of self-recriminations, accept what really is, and move on. And the "moving on" still involves effort and striving and falling short - but now it has just a little less recrimination.

UPDATE: Re-reading, I see I didn’t circle back to self-indulgence versus self-care. I got this through an analogy of how we treat others. For example, if an employee falls short, you don’t go all “it’s fine, it doesn’t matter, here’s an award so you don’t feel bad”. But you do encourage them, coach them, help them figure out how to do better next time, because it does matter and you want them to succeed. What are the barriers to success? Are there ways to provide assistance?  That same dialogue internally is caring for yourself, instead of a tongue-lashing, even if the tongue-lashing comes with ice cream.