Stuck in a Rut

Another small plateau, probably started by my brief transgressions. Thinking about it, I've been eating about my target calories each day, except for the one. I'm not, however, eating low carb. And it's not just my evening sweets, but all day. If I think I can stay within the calorie total, I'll eat anything.

This is a flawed strategy. First, it's so much harder to manage the eating if I've started down a carb path. It just makes me crave more and more. But also, based on my body's responses, it really is harder to get the weight off. It feels like, for me at least, low carb is more weight loss than calories alone will account for.

I've also got to get the overall exercise level up. I love what I'm doing at the gum and what it's doing for my body, but I need more vigorous aerobic exercise, too. The occasional stroll at lunch is not enough. If I am going to blast through a plateau and keep going down, I've got to move! Just got to figure out where and when.

- iPhone uPdate

So Easy to Regress

So there I was, complacently writing about my progress, all the while setting myself up for later sabotage. A loss of vigilance, a failure to plan, just casually moving through the day without regard for what it takes to be successful.

I had a hunger that wasn't driven by the need for energy. I felt like eating, aimed at the carbs, and kept on going for most of the day. All the time, I figured I would hit the reset tomorrow, but I was taking the day off. Why? What was going through my mind?

Remember the seven questions:

1. What was the situation, and what were my sabotaging thoughts?
2. Did I eat the food slowly, sitting down at the table and thinking about every bite?
3. How do I feel now that I've given in?
4. Had I reminded myself of the reasons I'm committed to weight loss?
5. Did I try any resistance techniques?
6. How can I avoid this situation in the future?
7. What can I say to myself next time?

Time to refresh myself with reasons and modes of resistance.  Reading what I've done since I've started is actually motivating me to keep going.  

Here are the reasons I stated at the outset:

I will feel better in every way.
Clothes will fit better.
I'll look better to others and myself.
I won't be queasy in bed at night.
People who meet me will be nicer to me.
I might be able to avoid knee surgery.

I'll be proud of myself for doing it.
I will renew my self respect.
I won't go to bed cursing myself for my weakness.

Kids - I can be a better role model.
They won't be ashamed of me.
I'll be able to do things with them.
They are more likely to have a healthy relationship with food if I do.

The good news is today was much better. I'm set up with breakfast and lunch food for the week. I'll figure out what to do with dinners, but I've got a partner in HS helping me with that. We're agreed on a fruit and vegetable supply and it is going to help.

Progress

I've got some definite progress to report.

This shows my weight from 1990 to the present. Hooray!  I'm on my way down!  But take a look - the pattern shows a steady increase in weight from my low point in late 2000 to the peak just before New Year's.  In fact, the weight range I was last year more than caught up to the trend of where it would have been without the brief 2008 arresting of the trend.  It kind of looks inevitable, doesn't it?

But I think I'd like to focus on the postive here. I can lose weight, and it can take years to come back - it doesn't have to all come back in weeks.  I've spent ten years regaining what I lost in 18 months. Those ten years were worth it.



I like this perspective better for right now. My weight went up last year - and now its going down.  The last time I weighed this weight was January 2009. I can keep on going down past this milestone - by next month, I'll have crossed a new "10-pound" barrier.

The big deal on losing weight is to keep on going.  It is so easy to have a little bit of success, and then relax and give up.  I wrote before about 78 days - the average length of time most people stick to New Year's resolutions. I've beat that average, and I'm keeping going.  I'm going to the gym, I'm logging every bite, and I'm keeping up with the honest appraisal here.

Tired

Meant to post about sleep and fatigue last night but I was too tired. ;-(



- iPhone uPdate

Transportation

Spring has sprung, and its time to get the Vespa up and going. It doesn't really give me any more exercise than driving the car, but it feels like it is (giving me exercise). There is focus, and attention, and tightening my core and throwing my shoulders back to get the right posture for a turn. There is fresh air, and sounds and smells, beyond what you can see in the car.  I show up at work with a twinkle in my eye, and a spring in my step.  Except when I show up shaking, having narrowly missed becoming a hood ornament.

I ran across this from an old abandoned blog:

Riding a Vespa feels like a cross between riding a horse and skateboarding in the sky. It's exhilaration and meditation, awareness and surrender, chaos and craziness and extraordinary peacefulness all at once. It requires being completely in the moment - or risking serious injury. It is so much fun.


Vespa Vagabond

The Joy of New Numbers

I saw a lovely new low number on the scale this week--two days in a row! There is a lot of volativity in my weight. It bounces up and down by two or three pounds over the course of a day. My weight on any given day is not my "weight". Instead, I average over a week to get a more realistic number.

Still, the first appearance of a new and lower number is cause for celebration! Hooray for me! I've seen this number before, but not for over a year. Slowly but surely, I'm making progress. You can be sure of it. I've got the graphs to prove it.


- iPhone uPdate

My Knees

I am terrified of something bad happening that will prevent me being physically active. I so enjoy being able to get out there and do stuff, and it's the only way to win the long-term battle of the bulge. If it's specifically sharply painful to move, my laziness has a much bigger hook to use to keep me on the couch.

Right now its the knees that have me worried. I'm clearly someone with a big family history of osteo-arthritis, and the knees have been a constant ache for months. Every now and then, usually when going down stairs, one or the other will turn into a piercing shooting pain. I can live with the low level pain, but I'm afraid of the high level pain.  Every time I've tried to ride a bicycle more than a couple of miles in the past few years, the constant pain level has gone way way up afterwards, though not during.  I do squats and lunges in my various training routines, and again sometimes trigger the big pain but more often just slightly elevate the constant ones. Ice works, and ibuprophen - but ibuprophen eats my stomach.

I finally went to the doctor this week. This is the same doctor I saw for my major back problems a few years ago. She is a "physiatrist", the high priestess of sports medicine rehab in our area, so the appointment was scheduled six weeks ago. Given the pain is not yet debilitating, I had to wrestle with a constant "just suck it up and get on with life" mentality in order to keep the appointment.  I think it was worth it.

Based on my description and a physical exam, she is pretty confident we know what is happening and a first stage of how to deal with it. No rushing off for x-rays and MRIs necessary for Dr. F.  She showed me on a model what is happening - my kneecaps (patellas) apparently have rough edges (probably from arthritis) and so rather than floating nicely along the grooves made for them, catch on the edges. But my ligaments appear fine, which is apparently very good news. The raspy motion causes irritation which causes swelling which causes pain.

Now the trick is what to do about this? Her prescription is a mechanical approach - keep the patella squarely on center, not catching on either side. That means --- EXERCISES! To strengthen the muscles that move the knee cap. She wrote out instructions for my trainers to use. (Apparently buns of steel would be helpful.) It also means very sturdy shoes with big arch supports - I've got to go a sports shoe store and buy some inserts.

She also gave me a prescription for a topical analgesic with a very StarTrek name:  Voltaren Gel.  You slather it on sore joints several times a day as an alternative to ibuprophen or celebrex. This stuff is like magic. It's kind of annoying because a lot is needed often, and its messy to apply to the knees. But it is apparently reducing the inflammation, and it is certainly working on the pain.  I'm supposed to follow up in a couple of months to see if this is working, or if we need to contemplate other measures.

I asked her about the homeopathic approach - chondroitin and glucosamine.  I remember reading in the New York Times a couple of years ago a fairly definitive study that said it had no affect on knee pain. Dr. F. said that's true, but it appears to have some mild affect on loosening up, especially in the mornings. Double blind studies show measurable differences in patient perception of how long it takes their joints to un-stiffen from overnight. She suggested recording my morning issues, and then starting a three month course of condroitin and at the end comparing to what I had written down from before. I think that is currently too many new drugs to take so for now I'll give it a pass.

Finding the Right Sizes

I made a slight detour yesterday to visit a Jones New York outlet.  I have always liked their clothes for work - partly because when I was at my fattest, their lines of coordinated pieces were seamless in "regular", "petite" and "woman" - they even have occasional "woman petite" pieces. Being the ultimate pear shaped woman, I need larger bottoms than tops, and only JNY really allowed me to assemble multiple coordinated outfits pulling from all three lines.

I've lost not quite a size, and my wardrobe definitely could use a tuneup anyway. But I found myself frustratingly right in between their sizes. Trousers in 14P were very slightly too tight, but there were no 16Ps to be found. Oddly, the same trousers in 14W were huge and just fell off me. I left all the trousers behind and got myself a nice couple of top pieces in bright colors that go together.

I got home to find my new chinos from LL Bean on the doorstep. These are their fit described as "curvy". These are 14s, one size smaller than the ones I got myself for Christmas. And they are absolutely perfect in fit!

Ok So Far

I haven't actually followed any of the plans I made. I didn't bring cheese or chocolate. I had a drink at dinner last night without calculating it first (but I really wanted it). I didn't take the skinniest item on the menu - but I didn't go for the steak or deep fried fish either. I ate all the bread they served as the starter, and dipped in olive oil. I had baked fish, and ended up eating all the linguine it came with, despite an initial thought not to. I added everything up afterwards and it was an ok day. Just as well I had no chocolate- I wanted some and it might have not stopped at one. I tried to be really generous at portion estimating and was surprised at how reasonable it came out to be.

What was especially interesting to me was watching how the others ordered and ate. It has been a while since I sat down with folks outside my immediate circle. Because I am so very conscious of my own behavior (give myself credit for awareness, even if not acting on it all the time) I was extremely observant. Judith Beck says pretty much no-one can eat whatever they want whenever they want it, and I have come to believe that's true. I'm over my envy of the "naturally thin".

I was most intrigued by one woman (some 5-10 years younger than me) who I see as nearly a model. She is trim but doesn't look like a "naturally skinny" type. She had a glass of white wine which she nursed. She tore off one tiny piece of the focaccia, didn't dip it in olive oil. She ordered a starter salad and had the dressing on the side (most of us didn't get salads). She ordered the skinniest thing on the menu - broiled fish with rice - and then left most of the rice. 

I think she was the very model of the self controlled person Judith Beck says we can be. I'm not so sure I can or want to go there. But it was interesting to watch her subtle choices and reflect on how better choices can be made and perhaps they will add up.  Inspiration for tonight's dinner out.

Business Trip

Got a business trip tomorrow. Sadly, the whole three days with the same set of six people - breakfast, lunch and dinner. Very little control of my eating, and no chance to opt out of the social piece and just grab some cheese while walking.

I'll bring along some cheese anyway, for breakfast. It's very hard for me to find ok breakfast food in a hotel since I don't do yogurt, fruit, cereal, bagels or toast, much less sweetrolls or doughnuts. I love eggs and bacon but it starts the day too far into the total calorie budget.

Lunch? Likely to be a place that has fancy salads. I need to be able to judge the calories so I guess its dressing on the side - not my preferred approach. Otherwise, if its sandwiches, aim for the chicken or turkey (no burgers) and again see about mayo on the side.  Afternoon snack? APPLES (see previous post).  Hopefully available.

Dinner? Actually easier. Not likely to be really big food. I'm always happy to eat small portions of really good stuff for ridiculous amounts of money. Skip the desert, but bring some Dove squares for the snack so I don't feel deprived.

Probably shouldn't spend any of the calorie budget on alcohol. But I might have a beer - only if I've added things up before dinner and know where I stand. Or a martini? I should look up the calories compared to beer. I will not bother with a glass of white wine. Not worth it to me.

The overall activity level is going to be very low. Meeting in the hotel where we are staying. So all day just sitting around. There will be time between meetings and dinner to take a walk or go to the gym. I was thinking - perhaps some weights one day, but a walk every day. I could do crunches, etc., in the room in the morning.

I'll be able to check in from the road, time permitting.

Eating Fruit

I'm losing weight, slowly. I am assiduously and completely honestly logging every bite (because why lie to myself?) but I am not always planning ahead. I have my sweet every evening, and portion control continues to be a problem in the evening. Breakfast and lunch tend to be naturally portion-controlled and I have no difficulty walking away from office sweets and treats. Though come to think of it, there was one afternoon where I was "needing" to eat, and ended up with 380 unplanned calories worth of peanuts from the candy machine.

I've never been a big fan of fruit. I've had more than a decade worth of eating low carb, and that taught me to think of fruit (and fruit juice) as nothing more than (usually round) damp candy. Certainly the way my body reacts to sugars eaten without protein and fat is unpleasant enough to keep me reaching for nuts rather than candy bars or fruit.  I get thirsty, shaky, and hungry - sometimes all at once.

But I'm rethinking the fruit part. I went off fruit in my adolescence originally during my endless (six years worth of) orthodontia. A more recent reason fruit hasn't been a big part of my life is because I live alone and didn't go to the store often. If I didn't eat fruit the day I bought it, it would go bad. Now, however, I've got to keep fresh fruit on the counter all the time for my vegetable-avoiding kids. I don't go 48 hours between trips to one food store or another. I'm also trying to get lower on the fresh versus prepared scale, both for myself and for the kids. (I have a running dialog with my girl about "real food" versus "edible food-like substances". Yes, I read Michael Pollan.)

Some fruit is fairly convenient - if it's already in the house, and has not yet gone bad.  You just rinse it off or peel it, and eat away. Pop it in the pocket and take it on the road. Works for apples and oranges, peaches, plums, and pears. I've discovered apples and oranges keep and travel relatively well, while plums and pears seem to be at peak ripeness for roughly ninety minutes - if you don't catch them then, forget it.  Peaches are only worth eating when they are in season locally. Paula Poundstone says sometimes she wakes her children up in the middle of the night to eat bananas because she can't bear to throw them away the next morning. I think they are just yucky.  Berries aren't pocketable and mostly you have to combine them with something. Homemade shortcakes with local blueberries and creme fraiche is luscious, but work - a once-a-year effort.  Grapes are hit or miss, but I grew up during the grape boycott years and have a hard time being comfortable with them. The single best thing I ever ate in my life was a melon I grew myself, but more often I can't get ripeness right either in the store, farmer's market, or my own garden. Unripe melons are wooden, and over-ripe ones are sickening. Not to mention the inconvenience - cut it open, clean it, scoop and dispose of the seeds, get the rinds out of the house before the fruit flies show up - you can't just pull it from your pocket and take a bite.

This is my fruit lore.

There are many varieties of apples readily available, and some of the clementines are really tasty - and convenient.  If I use an apple or orange as a snack with a piece of cheese, or after a good lunch with plenty of protein, it seems to keep me going just fine and doesn't blow the calorie budget. It makes me feel healthy to be eating fruit - and please don't anybody tell me that out of season, wrong hemisphere, many food miles fruit not only has a big carbon footprint but also has little of the goodness you get from the local farmers' markets.  Instead, let me feel good about the relative calorie bargain, convenience, cost effectiveness, and healthiness from eating these starter fruits. Let me make fruit a habit. We can work on refining to the "best" fruit after I am fully adjusted to regular doses of these neat little packages of goodness.

Key questions for changing behavior

Notes from a book I'm reading for work:

What are the specific key actions I have to take to achieve the result? "Specific vital behaviors"? (Example: don't buy jordan almonds)

Is it worth it?
Can I do it?



- iPhone uPdate

Easter is Over; Farewell Jordan Almonds

I knew when I bought them they would be trouble. I passed up the CVS Jordan almonds with memories of devouring the whole bag last year. But then Whole Foods had them, but theirs also included a layer of dark chocolate. And they looked SO festive.

Sure enough, I exceeded my allowance every day from when I bought them till when they were gone. They were good, but not worth it. Another lesson learned the hard way.


- iPhone uPdate

Housework as Exercise

According to my magic calorie-expenditure wearable computing device, Saturday was my highest caloric expenditure since I started wearing it in early January. What I did all day Saturday was housework. My second highest day was Sunday - more housework. Hmmm.....

Actually, I started out Saturday at the gym for 45 minutes. But I also started Tuesday and Thursday at the gym, and Tuesday was a low day, since the rest of it was spent deskbound. So what gives with the very high readouts? What exactly did I do in those days?

I think the secret is I never sat down all day. Well, looking at Saturday's graph of activity, I may have had a seat from 10:00 to 10:15. Aside from that, I was on my feet the whole day. I wasn't cleaning so much as picking up, organizing, putting things away in their permanent place. And laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.  All of this involved lots and lots of stairs. I remember thinking, "No, I should go ahead and put this away in the right place in the basement right now while I have it in my hand. Yes, there are stairs, but some people pay to use a stairmaster. If I put this down somewhere other than its permanent right place, it'll stay there for weeks." I was a putter-away fiend for 48 hours. Not so much with actual cleaning, just picking up and sorting. A tiny bit of gardening, but mostly indoors.

And sleep? Did sleep follow the frenzy of activity? Not so much. I went to bed relatively early, but still had the middle of the night toss-and-turn.

Oh well, one frontier at a time. My twenty-four hour calories burned total for Saturday was 2598. I have to see if I can beat that this coming weekend. And see if I can get the week-day totals above 2000 consistently.  This why the device - the numbers are nice, but they are meant to be motivating.

March Results

Just the facts: During the month of March, from beginning to end, I lost 3 pounds.  Not great, but certainly better than going up!  This was a month that included both a cruise and a stomach bug - I think those two things cancelled each other out, enabling a net loss based on the other two "normal" weeks.

For exercise, I did some exercise (only walking) before the cruise, lots during the cruise, and have gone back to personal training since the cruise. I've also gotten more active when I'm not at work, but haven't been able to move much during a work day.

Right now, I feel plateaued. Today's weight is the same as March 6.  Lots of ups and downs in between, but I would like to see the scale moving back. I have moved up the activity level, but I've fallen off the vegetable wagon and need to get back on. The good news is, it's a good time of year for that.