NOT Fat????!!!

I did a big push on losing weight starting in late January. Since then, I've had some bobbles up and down, but the trend has been down.  I'm not at my goal, but I've also decided not to focus on that goal for a while.  In the meantime, I am, for the first time in 15 years, at a Body Mass Index that says I am in the "normal" weight category.  This after decades of bouncing between "obese" and "overweight".  Yes, it's just a shade over the line. But over it is.

The ups and downs of my weight, since 1988. The horizontal gridlines are 10 pounds apart, and the highest to lowest weight are 50 pounds apart.

Does this mean I'm not fat?  I mean, if I'm not a fat person, then what am I?  My identity has been tied up in being a fat person my whole life. I was a fat kid. I remember looking at a camp form the summer I was 12, and to the question "Obese?" the doctor had written "borderline".  The earliest weights on this graph, in 1988, are from my Weight Watcher's book I found.  Obviously I joined because I was fat and wanted to lose weight - why else?

First world problems, folks. I'm not complaining about my weight, not by any means. In fact, while there is still plenty to criticize about my looks, in general I'm very happy with my body right now. While my top and bottom are still about size apart, buying clothes is much easier now than before. But the first time I realized the BMI number meant I was "normal", it was jarring, disorienting.  What does this mean for who I am?

I'm still five pounds above the "ideal weight" I've had in my mind since before those early Weight Watcher days, so I'm still someone who aspires to lose weight. But why? At this point, I don't believe five pounds makes an iota of difference to my health.  My legs are still fat, and I think I'll look a little better when I go down a little bit more.  But it won't be way better, because even though I'm building muscle, I'll still have sagging, older skin, no matter what I weigh. Not enough loose skin to be surgically removed, but enough to show.  So I'm doing it purely for looks, not for any other grander idea. But it won't suddenly transform me into Helen Mirren, not by a long shot.

Because it is currently fruit, sweet corn, ice cream, and beer season, I have moderated my Atkins diet significantly. My intent is to maintain for about another month, and then blitz the last five pounds.  If I can convince my body it likes this current weight, compared to the 10-pounds higher I was for the last few years, I'm pretty confident my blitz will work. To some extent, I'm doing it to see if I can. And if I can, I'd like to stay there.

This year's weight loss. The blip up in June was the San Francisco trip. On this chart, the horizontal lines are two pounds apart, so you can see I've bounced within a two pound range since July.

But why? What does it mean to be "normal"?  We all know I will never be able to just eat what I want and lie around as much as I want, so I'll always be paying attention (or else paying the price). But when maintaining I'm able to eat a much wider variety of foods and I like that. And I like buying an ice cream cone and sitting outside to eat it without thinking how everyone passing by is criticizing me in their mind, "no wonder she's fat".  I like the way I look in many of my clothes. When I walk into a room of people I don't know, I like that I no longer assume the first thing they think is "oh, she's fat".

I'm working out often and vigorously now.  I think I'm a project for my trainer - she has let me know I'm the oldest person she has trained, and she is experimenting with how hard she can push me. I am also running (thanks to a brief break in the weather) and systematically pushing to go further and faster.  I am filled with aches and pains, but I am overall healthy and quite possibly stronger than I was twenty years ago.   Forty years of hypochondria, and I always think I'm coming down with something. But the number of times I've gone to the gym because I have an appointment when I considered calling in sick is equal to the number of times I felt better afterwards, minus only one time when I really was sick.

I worry now when I walk into a room of strangers they are judging me for being old, and I'm trying to own that, not deny it.  I'm trying to rock the whole "wisdom" thing. I've been there, done that, my T-shirt wore out years ago, but let me listen to what you have to say and see if I can't coach you to be more successful than me. At the same time, I watch people more closely than I ever have, trying to figure out what I want to be like, because I'm not done changing yet.  I consciously try to walk more briskly, with a spring in my step, instead of the saunter or plod that was my more normal mode of moving through the world.  I'm listening more, and trying to talk less.  But I'm nowhere near ready to go all white in the hairs, no matter how much I try to own my age.  Every five weeks, Paul fixes me up.

I know how very fragile my new found strength and body confidence are.  All it will take is an injury, or a melt-down from a certain adolescent, or a change in my work circumstances, and I could shoot right back up to the top of the curve.  But I'm enjoying this now while I can, and trying to capture what allows me to be here.

Let's Get It Started in Here!

I'm running, and running, and running...

I've had a good few weeks for running, with some down spots along the way. The first week of July, I ran in a women's 5K in Annapolis, for the second year in a row.  My time this year was two full minutes faster than last year's race!  That is a really big deal.

I joined a tiny little running club, and it's helping me show up.  Way cheaper than personal training, this "club" is a meet-up group. Every Sunday morning there is a rendezvous to run around a little man-made lake, and afterwards we go get bagels. (Except I get coffee, no bagels for me.)  There have been as few as two and as many as six of us so far. Each of us goes around the lake a couple of times at our own individual paces.  I like the company, and I like the repetition because it lets me compare from one week to the next, and I'm definitely getting faster.

In addition to Sunday mornings, I'm trying to run Fridays after work, down on the mall.  It is one of the places people travel from all over the world to see, so why not?  I don't run outside when its over 90 degrees, so I've actually done it twice.  This past Friday was relatively awesome.  Good weather, and I felt good. I put in four miles, which is far for me.

Meetup.com is a website where anyone can set up a group and announce a time and place to get together. I've been to several meetups, starting with the Quantified Self, where I gave my talk about my graphs. I've also been to some technical data visualization sessions, and last year did some hikes. I searched for local running groups, and stumbled on one organized by a guy nearby. Basically, he or the co-organizer decide on rendezvous time and place and enter it into the website, and anyone pretty much can sign up and go.  They also post races members are going to, so I heard about some fun ones. In September, I'll go run the runways at Dulles Airport, a 5K.  In October, I'll be doing the Dead Man's Run at Historic Congressional Cemetery again - and this time, I think I'll have company from our meetup club.  In November, I'm going to run the Chesapeake Bay Bridge - and this race is a 10K - about 6 1/2 miles.  I'll need to get the distance up by then.

I've been looking for a training plan to follow. I've not found anything on-line that works for me, but I've read enough general guidance to figure out a routine that could work. "Tempo" runs are ones where you try to keep a set pace for a certain time period. That is what I tried to do today and succeeded to get my fastest run at the lake so far- no walk breaks.  "Long" runs are what they sound like - set out to go the distance, and pretty much ignore pace.  For me, that means its ok to intersperse walk breaks.  That is what I'm trying for on Fridays down on the mall.  "Intervals" are short bursts of trying to be fast, with slower periods for recovery.  If I am able to do a midweek morning run (by "able", I mean have the gumption, there is no physical reason not to) that is what I should try for.  The dog is not interested in running far for long, so that's another reason short intervals should work for us. I leave him behind on Sundays, and he's obviously not at work with me on Fridays. Since he becomes a boat anchor when he's had enough, that means I need the time both to run and to walk him.

I continue to go to the gym, twice a week. My trainer mixes intense cardiac intervals with the strength training, which is also helping the running.  Pretty much, I have a constant series of aches and pains. My sciatica is my little friend, always there just above my right buttock, sending messages down the leg as far as my ankle.  Both knees are sore, though the right one is more bothersome. I stubbed my toe last week, and after two dog walks and a lake run, it was red and swollen. "Runners logic" said go to the gym, just don't do any box jumps.  Last week, I seem to have slept wrong and got a knot in my right scapula. It's worst when I sit or sleep, however, it gets better with movement. Anytime it rains, I wake up with sneezing fits from whatever gets released into the atmosphere with moisture.   This torrent of complaints is to say this activity may be leading towards "younger next year" but it doesn't mean I feel awesome all the time.  It makes me happy and makes me feel strong, however.

Except the first five minutes, every time. That is such a huge hurdle, and the biggest barrier to keeping it up.  Here is the track record (so to speak) - I want to get the count up for August.

San Francisco and What I Ate

Spectacular conference location

What a terrific time I had!  I stayed 5 nights - that seemed about right to me. Not a big trip that needed lots of prep and lots of finishing up things at work so I could get away. I was ready to come home, but enjoyed all the time there.  Oh, and the talk went pretty well. It may be on the internet again. I really enjoyed hearing others talk on their data and discoveries.

Aquarium of the Bay

I decided in advance I was going to eat well if not wisely. But I never thought of it as "cheating" - cheating who of what?  I was going to enjoy myself. It turns out I can enjoy myself without going totally overboard (for those who think two ice cream treats in a single day that also featured beer is not going overboard).  I have raised my deliciousness threshold much higher than it used to be, so was only tempted  into carb-land when the bread was truly sour or the beer was a locally made draft.  Ben and Jerry's doesn't cut it anymore - I required my sweets to be local and preferably unusual.

My big boy came along, and we traveled fairly well together. Several of his high school and college friends have settled in the area, so he spent about half or more of his time with them and the rest with me. That was just fine with me. At the beginning, I had my conference, and I've always enjoyed wandering around looking at things on my own which I did the other days. What is always awkward for me when traveling is eating dinner alone (lunches are easy). I'm better than I used to be about going to a nice restaurant and telling the host "just me for dinner", but it still takes some of my finite supply of gumption to do it. So it was fine that it worked out that we ate together most nights.  One night, however, alone in a large dining room, I pulled out my phone and read through dinner.

We had the fabulous experience of the Cafe at Chez Panisse. I've wanted to go to Chez Panisse since I first read of it thirty years ago. Sadly, the restaurant was closed the nights I could go, but the more casual cafe was open and it was perfect.  There, my boy and I first discovered that we have very similar tastes in food and drink - our first and second choices were the same, so we flipped who got what and did tastings. This continued for the rest of the trip.

One thing I remembered to do at Chez Panisse, and then continued for the rest of the trip, was to slow way down in my eating and savor.  I didn't want to rush the Chez Panisse experience, but then I discovered that "savoring" each bite in a mindful way was really worth it. I continued to do this the rest of the trip, and was truly content with simply three forkfuls of a chocolate cake a couple of days later.  My boy ate the rest.

We were staying at Fisherman's Wharf. My conference was about a mile away along the waterfront, so I started right in getting lots of walking. This continued, interspersed with two days of running. One day I got 35,000 steps on the fitbit - my previous record was 25K, set the day before, but before that I had topped out several times over the past few months at 20K. I also ran along the waterfront a couple of mornings. I

Dinner at Chez Panisse

thought of participating in a 5K while I was there, but the logistics of getting to the suburban location defeated me.  Instead, I took a bus to Sausalito and walked. I also thought of walking across the Golden Gate bridge, but after taking the bus over it I was pretty sure I didn't have the head to handle the height. So I walked some more along the waterfront instead and had some fabulous fish tacos while eating outside.

My boy and I hiked the length of Golden Gate park, had a fabulous lunch on the beach, and then hiked along the coastal trail up the Pacific shore and around the point to the Golden Gate. I really like hiking.  I was reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed while I was there, and was inspired to look and see if there is a coastal trail the length of the Pacific Coast in the U.S.. It appears there is an attempt to establish one the length of California, at least. I bookmarked some resources describing the routes and the trails, and also some sites that feature routes for "inn to inn hiking".  I kind of like that idea - I've thought of foreign walking tours (Tuscany comes to mind), but the California coast is also pretty exotic to this eastern girl.  It's something to seriously consider for a future vacation.

This guy really wanted my ice cream cone but it was MINE

So I'm actually tired and footsore from my vacation, but in a good way.  Time to tighten up my eating again - bye bye extra dark Ghiradelli Squares, hello garlicky creamed kale - and see how long it takes to get back on track to losing weight.

(written 6/24 pm, but holding off posting until pictures are consolidated).

Out in Public

I'm taking a vacation in San Francisco. Why SF and why now is because there is a small conference on Quantified Self. This is the (national) group of data geeks that are into hacking themselves, by collecting and analyzing all kinds of data. They asked me to reprise the talk I gave back in November to our local group. So I wrapped a short vacation around the conference dates and took advantage of conference hotel rates to stay right on Fishermans Wharf. Then I talked my big boy into coming out with me.

I've been practicing my talk, which has to be structured a certain way. I worked hard on my slides. Imagine my surprise to walk into the conference facility and discover MY DATA splashed up on a 15 foot tall pillar!

Feeling Vulnerable

I’ve been a busy bee!  My fitbit steps have been climbing steadily, a mark of my overall activity levels. But last Saturday scared me to death. I am so afraid of physical incapacitation limiting my plan to go vigorously into old age. I am very aware of how fragile our bodies are, and how of close and how out of our control the possibility of injury or illness is.

Friday, my office moved. Just to a different floor in the same building, and just temporarily, while they refurbish our space. But the office moved to its present location in 1990, and stuff just accumulated. I’ve been in my actual office since 2005, and I did not start with a clean slate but inherited files from the guy I replaced.  We’ve been working for weeks to get rid of stuff, but oddly when you work for the government some paper cannot be thrown away based simply on your assessment of how trivial it is. Records must be maintained, and in some cases even sent to the National Archives for permanent storage. So for weeks we’ve been sorting through enormous 6 foot high cabinets, pitching or boxing as necessary. Finally, on Friday, I had to complete my own office space.  I got it done, but for the first time ever, I got to my 10,000 step goal during the work day – in fact, by 2 pm. And many of those steps were on the stairwell between floors 6 and 9, and many were toting boxes or things too complicated to pack.

 

But Friday when I got home, I had to mow the grass. I had blown it off for so long, I was seriously afraid of getting a citation from the county, with parts of it sticking up knee-high and waving seed-heads in the breeze.  I had to do it, because Saturday was sailing!  And Sunday it might rain. So two hot and tough hours, and I earned twice my average steps that day.

Saturday was perfect, and my boat partner, her husband, and I met early at the marina and were motoring out of the creek while raising the sails in just 35 minutes – really fast for a shake-down cruise.  Sadly, just as we got to the mouth of the creek the engine alarm went off. While it was still working, I elected to shut her down, and with no wind available we went through emergency anchoring procedures, just outside the narrow part of the channel and with a couple of hundred yards to spare on shallow water, and we doused and furled the sails.  I have the boating equivalent of AAA, TowBoat US, the “idiot’s package”, unlimited towing. This was the second time in 10 years we used it – we would have sailed back to the dock had we been able. But instead, after a not-unpleasant hour bobbing around in the beautiful weather feeling like duffers, the red boat came, I upped anchor, and we were ignominiously escorted back into the slip, with a huge audience on a glorious Memorial Day weekend.  The boat will be fine – we have a good idea what is wrong with her, but are too lazy to spend time possibly fruitlessly troubleshooting. But somehow in the up-anchoring process, I did a bend-and-twist that got my back out of order.  It didn’t happen at once, but an hour after we were back ashore I couldn’t straighten up.  We had Tylenol from 2008 in our med kit, and that helped some, as did some yoga-stretchy maneuvers on the grass.  Walking made it feel better, sitting was awful, driving was bad.

So instead of my consolation prize of kayaking instead, I went home and took a nap, flat on my back with pillows under my knees.  I spent some time with my girl, then early to bed with more OTC drugs and those pillows under the knees. 

I am very conscious of how I move through the world. I strive for a confident brisk stride with a Mary Richards “so glad to be here” smile on my face. My brief single yoga class has had a permanent good impact on my posture, as I hold my shoulders back but down, humble yet proud, with my feet rooted firmly to the center of the earth, and my knees and pelvis just so. With all I’ve read of the mind-body connection, this is my version of theSuperwoman pose.  With this pain, I kept trying to move and stand that way, and not making it.  It hurt, and I simply could not stand up – I still am not sure if I couldn’t make myself do it, or if the muscles had tightened to the point it was impossible.

Did not feel good first thing in the morning, so I grabbed the OTC meds before coffee, even. But I went of compost.  At some point during the day, I realized my back did not hurt.  In fact, after I dropped my girl and her friend at a concert in Baltimore, I turned to the marina and went kayaking for an hour.  Monday, more gardening, a strength and agility workout at the gym, and very fancy dinner cooked by me for all.

Since then I am hardly pain free.  In truth, I never am. My back started hurting in 2004 and hasn’t stopped since.  But since a year after it started, it has mostly been a dull pain, managed with yoga and stretching and OTC meds. My sciatica is kind of my little friend, always there but not dominating my life the way it did the first few months I had it.  This pain this weekend was piercing and all consuming, and the inability to move freely was frightening, and I was really afraid my life was going to change.  You can count on me to catastrophize everything and jump to the worst case scenario.  But in a stroke of fortunate irony, the longer I sit still the worse I feel. I need to stand up and walk around regularly.

Perhaps I’ve been a little smug about how strong I’ve been feeling.  I try to be very careful not to blame the victims of bad health and instead try to exude empathy and keep my “but for blind dumb luck, there could be me” to myself. This weekend should remind me how very important it is. 

Run Away

Forty-eight hour business trip to the beach near Charleston, SC. Damnedest thing--men in ties and jackets, women in heels, in a building 200 yards from the ocean. Except me, of course. No heels for me, and at my age and stage of career, my work clothes are comfortable.

Got lots of beach miles, walking and early morning running. Didn't bring a bathing suit. Nervous enough seeing work people in compression spandex. No way they get to see bare skin. I thought of my friend Alice, and her similar trip to nearby Savannah. 

Had time on Sunday to walk 22,000 steps through Old Charleston. I swear, if I was 20 years old and just starting out, I'd totally move to Charleston. All the tourism folks talking to us emphasized the food scene there, as much as the 10,000 new good jobs building Boeing airliners.  But this is the old South. I am unable to tell if the rest of my family would be as welcome here as I felt. 

Away from family responsibilities. No crisis while gone, but fretting over being out of touch as we live on a knife edge always. Home tonight, and all well. Positive movements. 

I love that my ideal time away includes running and walking. I was able to eat well without blowing it, but back to strict induction tomorrow for 3 weeks to try to blast through this plateau. 

Mostly Wordless Update

My weight has stabilized at a new, lower weight. In my mind I'm still trying to lose weight, but the data tells me my actions are otherwise.  (I track in My Fitness Pal, which gives me calories and macronutrients.  I've been very consistent in the tracking since January.)

I'm off tomorrow for a quick business trip where I'll have little control over my food. When I get back, I'd like to do another 3 weeks of strict strict induction Atkins, and see where that takes me.  But I'm liking where I am.

Eyeball says about 6 pounds down.

Calories do matter

I strive for around 25 net carbs. Induction is under 20.

Macro-nutrients from bottom: Net Carbs, Fiber, Fat, Protein