Crossing the Line

This time of year is filled with family birthdays and anniversaries. My brother-in-law turns 50 today!  This is a significant milestone, for sure.  I went running this morning as a celebration for our running club organizer who turns 50 on Monday.  And this morning, she saw her goal weight on the scale, the goal that she set this spring.

But I did it too. Today, for the first time since August 2000, and only the second time for as long as I've been keeping track, I weigh below my goal weight.  This has been my mental goal since 1988, people!  How about that!!!!

Of course losing 5 pounds in less than a week is almost all water. This is what happens when you switch suddenly to a very low carb diet.  I bounced back down as fast as I bounced up.  But it sure isn't 50 pounds of water!  And this weight is fifty pounds less than I weighed in 1995, and again for New Year's 1998, when I kicked off The Big Loss, Part 1.

What I want to do is get to a point where my average weight is my goal weight, so I'm not completely done with the losing weight phase. And we see from last week's post that I'll never be done with maintenance.  But I'm doing the happy dance, as I plan what I'm going to eat at tonight's birthday dinner!

!Bounce!

I got tired of tracking my food all the time, I relaxed about what I weighed and opened up my food choices, the Eating Season opened with Halloween, stress at work escalated rapidly while remaining high at home, and so exercise waned and late night pigouts increased.  The result was inevitable.

This shows the calendar year. The gridlines are 5 pounds apart.

I stopped tracking in mid-September, after logging food faithfully for maybe 80% of the whole year. For a while I coasted on my good habits, and continued to lose some weight, getting on one memorable day within one pound of my (somewhat arbitrary) goal weight. Yay!  I've got this! My life is changed. I'm a genius. I'm no longer a fat person and I don't need to think about it all the time.

But in the very recent past the trend has been bad. I continue to weigh every day (thanks to the wifi connected scale) and so have immediate feedback. I have access to the data via two taps on the internet in the palm of my hand at any time, so I don't ignore the evidence. Yesterday's weight popped up and crossed a five pound line, and all the alarm bells went to red alert.  So vague mental resolutions to "do better" were replaced with a firm commitment.

There is no secret to why I'm gaining weight, even without the actual data since I haven't logged food. I love food truck lunches, and even though I go for salads and other green vegetable-based dishes they have many hidden carbs, such as sugar in the salad dressing for banh mi salad and glorious garlic soaked croutons in the best caesar salads. But I could probably have handled that, at least for maintenance, but those evenings plopped in front of the TV with multiple trips to find chocolate all over the house - and even to stuff on left over main courses, anything to fill the hole that seems to yaw open each night.

Yesterday was Day One. My plan is to track, and to stop eating after 8:30 pm.  These are rigid rules. I constantly bargain with myself, and I need to stop that! Further, for the next couple of weeks, I want to go pure low carb - detox my system from the sugar and occasional starches that have crept in. For the next two weeks, calories don't matter, but carbs do - I'm going to target the lowest recommended level - 20 net carbs a day. ("Net carbs" are total carbohydrate grams minus fiber grams. It encourages filling up leafy greens, high fiber countering the carbs within.)

The joy of low carbing is you shed water stored throughout your body and so today was already two and a half pounds below yesterday's high peak weight. No single day means much on weight, but of course it's better to see the scale go down than up, even though intellectually I know it doesn't matter.

Of course the resolution required me to start with an expensive food shopping to set me up with favorite foods.  Caesar salads (will have to buy a roast chicken tonight), with excellent parmesan cheese and good greens. Easy grab guacamole, feta and olives, fancy flavored (but unsweetened) water, chicken salad for lunch today. A good habit I have to re-energize is bringing my lunch to work. It's so much cheaper, great when I'm pressed for time, and overcomes impulses at the glorious food truck city right outside my building. Instead of waiting on line at the trucks I can take a brief walk for roughly the same time.

This resolution is intended to last until Thanksgiving Day. I'm posting this so I have accountability. I'm thinking chunks of time, at least two weeks at a crack, may get me through this season. There is Thanksgiving, I'll be visiting my brother after that - he and his wife are real foodies, and I'll have more fun if I'm relaxed and have choices. Plus alcohol. But then I could have a three week stretch before Christmas.  There will be parties and food at the office throughout the time, but that will be no problem, if I have a plan to eat the good stuff just over the horizon.

The evening thing has been a persistant problem. Surely less tempting stuff in the house is good. But I think I need to have a mental but absolute cutoff - a virtual lock that appears on the kitchen at 8:30 each night. If the cravings are bad, I know from experience the best response is to leave the house with the dog and put some miles on, up and down the hills of my neighborhood.  It's cold and dark now, but I treated myself to a cool reflective running jacket specifically for this time. I like wearing it, which is part of the silly motivation, and whatever works is great.

So that's my thinking. I'm committed through Thanksgiving, and I'll reassess afterwards. What's your holiday plan?

Across the Bay 10K

I never had any real desire to do a 10K, but that was the only way I could go across the Bay Bridge. I signed up back in about July, so I had time to train. I did some longish runs on Friday nights after work, with the last being 6 miles. I figured that was close enough, since 10 kilometers is about 6.2 miles (not quite a quarter of a marathon). This is now the height of my ambition. No further is necessary - maybe 10 miles on a weekend jog, but no further.

It was good fun and I felt great.  I'm pleased that my pace towards the end was as good as my pace at the beginning.  There were 21,000 people!  They had to start in waves, because the bridge is 26 feet wide. A friend in the first wave finished (in about 45 minutes) while I was still waiting for the bus to the starting line.  I took an hour and fourteen minutes, at a pace equal to my 5K paces, so I'm very happy with how I did.  My girl asked if I won. The good thing about competing with yourself is you are bound to win no matter what!  I'm already signed up for next year.

I love statistics!

21,000 people

They closed one of the two spans

Near the beginning

More than half way

At the finish line

Big backup for buses back to parking afterwards

One way across the Bay

Anchors

High pressure beautiful day after the storm...

HMS Surprise. Sorry for the labored language, I'm under the spell
of all 20 books in the Patrick O'Brian series.

Make and mend day aboard the old barky. Rigging, decks and below are all ahoo from the recent tossing and turning. A falling glass indicates more rough weather on the way, but today is blessed with a gentle breeze. Equipment and clothes are strewn about, drying and ready to be inspected and mended before stowing. Shift from hot weather towards cold; things will be re-stowed in new places for the new conditions. Grateful for the opportunity to make things right before the breeze picks up again.

I've been thinking a lot about anchors. Twice this year, the engine failed on my boat, and I was immensely grateful for the literal security of the anchor holding us secure. But there are many metaphorical anchors in my life, and not all are so useful.

Sunday's slow run

Rocky, The Very Hungry Labrador, is a fabulous walking dog, but he is a real drag to go running with. I'm trying to build mileage, both running and walking, getting ready for the 10K Across the Bridge next month. Yesterday, I wanted to run, and was looking forward to pushing myself. But the day was so very fabulous I couldn't leave him behind shut in the house. I didn't regret it, even though after two miles he was done. He wouldn't move beyond his steady trot, except sometimes when I dangled a treat just beyond his nose. Just like towing a sea anchor the whole way. So I got most of the distance but not the extra conditioning that would come from pushing. But Rocky got to go swimming in the Chesapeake, so it was totally worth it.

I've also been trying to meditate more often. Less often than once a day, for less than fifteen minutes at a pop, the breath serves as my anchor. It is refreshing, even when I'm exhausted. I can almost always still my mind to do five minutes of silent meditation - in my car while waiting for my girl, in my office after lunch, snatches of time stolen from other "shoulds". Longer, requires guided meditations. Of course, there is an app for that.  It works for me.  I also will just stop for a few deep breaths and it helps, throughout the day.  It doesn't fix everything, but it makes me feel better.

Boy Nbr 1 was ringbearer at their first commitment
ceremony, 17 years ago, before their first child.

I worry I'm anchored too much in the past. Mindfulness calms me, and I can be in my individual moment, but I need to be present for others. I need to know what I have right now, what to do right now, and what we're looking forward to in the future. I attended a party on Friday out of state, old friends we haven't seen for a while. (A gay couple who were in Peace Corps with my sister, finally able to be legally hitched.) For us, it was a nostalgia trip. But for them, it was all about the happy present and hopeful future. Most of their friends have children about the same age, and so adolescents and pre-teens swarmed the food and dominated the dancing. It was a fun time, but it made me think.

My girl has a tough road ahead. I need to see her for herself, as herself, speaking for herself, not through a lens filled with all my issues from an imperfect life. I need to let go the anchor of the past, and head out with the tides and the breeze, dealing with what is there and coming up, not what should have been.

Anomie, Ennui, and Inertia

Anomie:  personal unrest, alienation, and uncertainty that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals.
Ennui:  a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest; boredom.
Inertia:  a feeling of not having the energy or desire that is needed to move or change.

Shades of meaning. Not quite the same thing, but clearly related. At different times, I suffer from all three.

This summer, the family went away without me. I had my job. I had my house, my dog, my boat, my friends. And yet, anomie seized me, even at work. What was I supposed to be doing? Why?  I was physically restless, far from inertia, walking and running to try to work off the restlessness and drive myself to the deep sleep of exhaustion. It could be quite pleasant, beyond the momentary physical relief.  But disconnected from the family, I failed to find purpose in anything.  Things did not become magically clear when the family returned, but  it was far easier to pause and ask myself, "what should I be doing right now?" and receive an answer that was clear and directed.  Not always (though often) directed at the welfare of the family, but clear and filled with purpose.  This is something to think about, as I prepare for an emptier nest next year.

Restless with anomie or purposeful, inertia or ennui sometimes seizes me. Paired with anomie, I can feel like the walking dead with no brains in sight to give me a direction. But also, the "what should I be doing" can be clear, and yet I don't do it. So of course that leads to guilt and shame.  Sometimes, that lack of action is driven by a lack of energy, physically, everything just seems overwhelming. Sometimes, it is the spirit that is lacking. There can be external causes that are clear and present. There is the serpent's tooth of the teenager, rebuffing my doing what I should. There can be lack of sleep, allergies, setbacks at work. Or the black cloud can just show up and visit, in either form.

When it is ennui, often I will find something else to do - walk, go someplace, do something other than the thing I should be doing, but at least do something. Break from the boredom, the same-old, same-old. An ice cream run may occur. I might even do some kind of a project. Movement may lead to additional momentum to get back to the shoulds, or at least produce something tangible I can feel good about.

But when it's inertia, usually I watch tv, surf cat videos, read an easy book, or go to sleep in the middle of the day, not things that I feel proud of later. It is killing time. Just trying to get through it, and let it pass.  Ice cream is too much work.  Work is too much work. (Thank god for meetings, the alternative to actual work.)  It passes, eventually.

Don't worry, guys. Depression runs in my family and I know it when I see it. This is not a huge, prevalent, looming problem for me. In fact, because it is rare, I try to pin it down, regard it from all sides, and figure it out. I want precision in my self diagnosis. Perhap the precision will assist in self-prescribing a cure.

I have an app:  gottaFeeling.  It prompts to look at its word lists, and find the precise one that matches the feeling of the moment.  It keeps track of history, and shows using colors in a beautiful graphic what has been reported as going on inside. I am not regular and faithful using it. It's probably a fair assumption that when I do report often, it's because I feel off track.  But it's interesting to me to look at, and think about. No aha moments, but a perspective more reliable than pure memory. "I've been feeling down a lot, let me see what I can do to help pull myself out of the hole." or "Gosh, look at all that yellow happiness there! What was going on? How can I do that again?"

Tracking, guys. It's what I do.

NOT Fat????!!!

I did a big push on losing weight starting in late January. Since then, I've had some bobbles up and down, but the trend has been down.  I'm not at my goal, but I've also decided not to focus on that goal for a while.  In the meantime, I am, for the first time in 15 years, at a Body Mass Index that says I am in the "normal" weight category.  This after decades of bouncing between "obese" and "overweight".  Yes, it's just a shade over the line. But over it is.

The ups and downs of my weight, since 1988. The horizontal gridlines are 10 pounds apart, and the highest to lowest weight are 50 pounds apart.

Does this mean I'm not fat?  I mean, if I'm not a fat person, then what am I?  My identity has been tied up in being a fat person my whole life. I was a fat kid. I remember looking at a camp form the summer I was 12, and to the question "Obese?" the doctor had written "borderline".  The earliest weights on this graph, in 1988, are from my Weight Watcher's book I found.  Obviously I joined because I was fat and wanted to lose weight - why else?

First world problems, folks. I'm not complaining about my weight, not by any means. In fact, while there is still plenty to criticize about my looks, in general I'm very happy with my body right now. While my top and bottom are still about size apart, buying clothes is much easier now than before. But the first time I realized the BMI number meant I was "normal", it was jarring, disorienting.  What does this mean for who I am?

I'm still five pounds above the "ideal weight" I've had in my mind since before those early Weight Watcher days, so I'm still someone who aspires to lose weight. But why? At this point, I don't believe five pounds makes an iota of difference to my health.  My legs are still fat, and I think I'll look a little better when I go down a little bit more.  But it won't be way better, because even though I'm building muscle, I'll still have sagging, older skin, no matter what I weigh. Not enough loose skin to be surgically removed, but enough to show.  So I'm doing it purely for looks, not for any other grander idea. But it won't suddenly transform me into Helen Mirren, not by a long shot.

Because it is currently fruit, sweet corn, ice cream, and beer season, I have moderated my Atkins diet significantly. My intent is to maintain for about another month, and then blitz the last five pounds.  If I can convince my body it likes this current weight, compared to the 10-pounds higher I was for the last few years, I'm pretty confident my blitz will work. To some extent, I'm doing it to see if I can. And if I can, I'd like to stay there.

This year's weight loss. The blip up in June was the San Francisco trip. On this chart, the horizontal lines are two pounds apart, so you can see I've bounced within a two pound range since July.

But why? What does it mean to be "normal"?  We all know I will never be able to just eat what I want and lie around as much as I want, so I'll always be paying attention (or else paying the price). But when maintaining I'm able to eat a much wider variety of foods and I like that. And I like buying an ice cream cone and sitting outside to eat it without thinking how everyone passing by is criticizing me in their mind, "no wonder she's fat".  I like the way I look in many of my clothes. When I walk into a room of people I don't know, I like that I no longer assume the first thing they think is "oh, she's fat".

I'm working out often and vigorously now.  I think I'm a project for my trainer - she has let me know I'm the oldest person she has trained, and she is experimenting with how hard she can push me. I am also running (thanks to a brief break in the weather) and systematically pushing to go further and faster.  I am filled with aches and pains, but I am overall healthy and quite possibly stronger than I was twenty years ago.   Forty years of hypochondria, and I always think I'm coming down with something. But the number of times I've gone to the gym because I have an appointment when I considered calling in sick is equal to the number of times I felt better afterwards, minus only one time when I really was sick.

I worry now when I walk into a room of strangers they are judging me for being old, and I'm trying to own that, not deny it.  I'm trying to rock the whole "wisdom" thing. I've been there, done that, my T-shirt wore out years ago, but let me listen to what you have to say and see if I can't coach you to be more successful than me. At the same time, I watch people more closely than I ever have, trying to figure out what I want to be like, because I'm not done changing yet.  I consciously try to walk more briskly, with a spring in my step, instead of the saunter or plod that was my more normal mode of moving through the world.  I'm listening more, and trying to talk less.  But I'm nowhere near ready to go all white in the hairs, no matter how much I try to own my age.  Every five weeks, Paul fixes me up.

I know how very fragile my new found strength and body confidence are.  All it will take is an injury, or a melt-down from a certain adolescent, or a change in my work circumstances, and I could shoot right back up to the top of the curve.  But I'm enjoying this now while I can, and trying to capture what allows me to be here.

Let's Get It Started in Here!

I'm running, and running, and running...

I've had a good few weeks for running, with some down spots along the way. The first week of July, I ran in a women's 5K in Annapolis, for the second year in a row.  My time this year was two full minutes faster than last year's race!  That is a really big deal.

I joined a tiny little running club, and it's helping me show up.  Way cheaper than personal training, this "club" is a meet-up group. Every Sunday morning there is a rendezvous to run around a little man-made lake, and afterwards we go get bagels. (Except I get coffee, no bagels for me.)  There have been as few as two and as many as six of us so far. Each of us goes around the lake a couple of times at our own individual paces.  I like the company, and I like the repetition because it lets me compare from one week to the next, and I'm definitely getting faster.

In addition to Sunday mornings, I'm trying to run Fridays after work, down on the mall.  It is one of the places people travel from all over the world to see, so why not?  I don't run outside when its over 90 degrees, so I've actually done it twice.  This past Friday was relatively awesome.  Good weather, and I felt good. I put in four miles, which is far for me.

Meetup.com is a website where anyone can set up a group and announce a time and place to get together. I've been to several meetups, starting with the Quantified Self, where I gave my talk about my graphs. I've also been to some technical data visualization sessions, and last year did some hikes. I searched for local running groups, and stumbled on one organized by a guy nearby. Basically, he or the co-organizer decide on rendezvous time and place and enter it into the website, and anyone pretty much can sign up and go.  They also post races members are going to, so I heard about some fun ones. In September, I'll go run the runways at Dulles Airport, a 5K.  In October, I'll be doing the Dead Man's Run at Historic Congressional Cemetery again - and this time, I think I'll have company from our meetup club.  In November, I'm going to run the Chesapeake Bay Bridge - and this race is a 10K - about 6 1/2 miles.  I'll need to get the distance up by then.

I've been looking for a training plan to follow. I've not found anything on-line that works for me, but I've read enough general guidance to figure out a routine that could work. "Tempo" runs are ones where you try to keep a set pace for a certain time period. That is what I tried to do today and succeeded to get my fastest run at the lake so far- no walk breaks.  "Long" runs are what they sound like - set out to go the distance, and pretty much ignore pace.  For me, that means its ok to intersperse walk breaks.  That is what I'm trying for on Fridays down on the mall.  "Intervals" are short bursts of trying to be fast, with slower periods for recovery.  If I am able to do a midweek morning run (by "able", I mean have the gumption, there is no physical reason not to) that is what I should try for.  The dog is not interested in running far for long, so that's another reason short intervals should work for us. I leave him behind on Sundays, and he's obviously not at work with me on Fridays. Since he becomes a boat anchor when he's had enough, that means I need the time both to run and to walk him.

I continue to go to the gym, twice a week. My trainer mixes intense cardiac intervals with the strength training, which is also helping the running.  Pretty much, I have a constant series of aches and pains. My sciatica is my little friend, always there just above my right buttock, sending messages down the leg as far as my ankle.  Both knees are sore, though the right one is more bothersome. I stubbed my toe last week, and after two dog walks and a lake run, it was red and swollen. "Runners logic" said go to the gym, just don't do any box jumps.  Last week, I seem to have slept wrong and got a knot in my right scapula. It's worst when I sit or sleep, however, it gets better with movement. Anytime it rains, I wake up with sneezing fits from whatever gets released into the atmosphere with moisture.   This torrent of complaints is to say this activity may be leading towards "younger next year" but it doesn't mean I feel awesome all the time.  It makes me happy and makes me feel strong, however.

Except the first five minutes, every time. That is such a huge hurdle, and the biggest barrier to keeping it up.  Here is the track record (so to speak) - I want to get the count up for August.