Willpower, Habits, and Mindfulness

I had great responses to the last post which has got me thinking even more, as I continue with my mindfulness training.

Liz suggests mindful eating is deprivation, which as I am doing it is not true. It is some work - maybe a bit of willpower to remember to be mindful? But what I've found, very recently, is I truly don't want certain foods. This feels like a breakthrough. Doughnuts, no problem. I stop and feel the urge, curiously, and note where in my body I have it. But this pause, to feel and investigate it, allows it to pass, or triggers the next feeling, which is I really don't want it. Many of the sugary and starchy foods make me feel bad in relatively short order, and I know that about them and me, so I don't do it. Sweets also lead to more sweets, so in general I try to delay them, even if I decided to have something. If the perfect exquisite doughnut were offered to me, I'd take it gratefully, but I'd try to save it for later rather than eat it right away, because I know how that type of food acts on my body (not because of making me fat in the long term, but because of making me crazy in the short term). But at the same time, I have ice cream in my freezer, and I may have a small portion of it just before bed. Not going to deprive myself - but hopefully not going to overindulge. Careful testing, with my new found skills.

Yesterday, I walked ten miles on a small breakfast, and with poor planning and without good choices turned up my nose at a sea of energy bars before me. The last time I ate one of those it was chocolate cardboard, insufficiently delicious yet with too much sugar for me. (They didn't have any Kind brand bars, which while not perfect are pretty delicious. Also they are mostly nuts and fruit, no added sugar in some, and no mysterious multi-syllable ingredients.)  Today, I bought a salad from a food truck about an hour after my normal lunch hour, and stopped eating two thirds of the way in. Chewing and swallowing and savoring slowed me down, and I realized I was full. Portion control, folks, coming from myself. Another breakthrough.

Darya Rose of the Summer Tomato believes in mindfulness but also is a big proponent of habit. (Also the advocate of awesomeness.) Darya, a PhD in neuroscience, breaks it down, and describes willpower as a muscle that can be strengthened, but will always still get exhausted. Habit, on the other hand, will continue with little or no effort, when built well. Habits are built of three things: trigger, action, reward. To eat better, build up good food habits, including figuring out the rewards, and make life easy on yourself. To eat better, identify the bad habits, and analyze the triggers and rewards and adjust accordingly.

The mindfulness course I'm doing now seems to propose always being mindful. Be present in the moment. This is a good thing, but surely they don't mean always? What is the alternative to being mindful? Autopilot (habits and automatic reactions), yes, I'd like to avoid the bad ones of those. But there are good ones too. More importantly, I like planning. I like analyzing. Sometimes, for some period of time, I like ruminating, turning things over in my mind. I really enjoy daydreaming. Once, I daydreamed enjoyably for the better part of a week deciding what I would do if I won the mega-lottery. (My odds are actually worse than most peoples' because I've never actually bought a lottery ticket. Nevertheless, I got hung up for most of a day on whether I wanted the beach house to be in North Carolina or Long Island before I finally decided to just have both.) Clearly these "inside my head" functions are an important part of my life. But there is a question mindfulness trainers suggest, along the lines of "what am I getting from this?" or "how is this working for me?". The lottery planning, that worked great for me. Some of the agonizing over the kids, not so much.

I have no doubt I'm going to reach for the food in an unhealthy and unhappy way sometime soon. I have been very conscious of "I shouldn't be doing this" as I do it, and yet I do it. There can be a conscious self-destructive impulse there, a reckless wild jumping off a cliff feeling. The reflection that at any moment, I can stop with the food halfway to my mouth and just walk away (heck, I could even spit it out) is not going to be compelling in that moment. But to pause to investigate curiously, to feel and note what I am feeling, may be something I can try to do. To ask what I'm getting from it, curiously and really wanting to know the answer. This is what I'm hoping for.

Thanks, guys, for helping me think about this. Off to bed, and the body scan (it starts with the toes, and I never stay awake past my knees). Turns out I don't want ice cream tonight after all.  Maybe tomorrow.