Crossing the Line

This time of year is filled with family birthdays and anniversaries. My brother-in-law turns 50 today!  This is a significant milestone, for sure.  I went running this morning as a celebration for our running club organizer who turns 50 on Monday.  And this morning, she saw her goal weight on the scale, the goal that she set this spring.

But I did it too. Today, for the first time since August 2000, and only the second time for as long as I've been keeping track, I weigh below my goal weight.  This has been my mental goal since 1988, people!  How about that!!!!

Of course losing 5 pounds in less than a week is almost all water. This is what happens when you switch suddenly to a very low carb diet.  I bounced back down as fast as I bounced up.  But it sure isn't 50 pounds of water!  And this weight is fifty pounds less than I weighed in 1995, and again for New Year's 1998, when I kicked off The Big Loss, Part 1.

What I want to do is get to a point where my average weight is my goal weight, so I'm not completely done with the losing weight phase. And we see from last week's post that I'll never be done with maintenance.  But I'm doing the happy dance, as I plan what I'm going to eat at tonight's birthday dinner!

!Bounce!

I got tired of tracking my food all the time, I relaxed about what I weighed and opened up my food choices, the Eating Season opened with Halloween, stress at work escalated rapidly while remaining high at home, and so exercise waned and late night pigouts increased.  The result was inevitable.

This shows the calendar year. The gridlines are 5 pounds apart.

I stopped tracking in mid-September, after logging food faithfully for maybe 80% of the whole year. For a while I coasted on my good habits, and continued to lose some weight, getting on one memorable day within one pound of my (somewhat arbitrary) goal weight. Yay!  I've got this! My life is changed. I'm a genius. I'm no longer a fat person and I don't need to think about it all the time.

But in the very recent past the trend has been bad. I continue to weigh every day (thanks to the wifi connected scale) and so have immediate feedback. I have access to the data via two taps on the internet in the palm of my hand at any time, so I don't ignore the evidence. Yesterday's weight popped up and crossed a five pound line, and all the alarm bells went to red alert.  So vague mental resolutions to "do better" were replaced with a firm commitment.

There is no secret to why I'm gaining weight, even without the actual data since I haven't logged food. I love food truck lunches, and even though I go for salads and other green vegetable-based dishes they have many hidden carbs, such as sugar in the salad dressing for banh mi salad and glorious garlic soaked croutons in the best caesar salads. But I could probably have handled that, at least for maintenance, but those evenings plopped in front of the TV with multiple trips to find chocolate all over the house - and even to stuff on left over main courses, anything to fill the hole that seems to yaw open each night.

Yesterday was Day One. My plan is to track, and to stop eating after 8:30 pm.  These are rigid rules. I constantly bargain with myself, and I need to stop that! Further, for the next couple of weeks, I want to go pure low carb - detox my system from the sugar and occasional starches that have crept in. For the next two weeks, calories don't matter, but carbs do - I'm going to target the lowest recommended level - 20 net carbs a day. ("Net carbs" are total carbohydrate grams minus fiber grams. It encourages filling up leafy greens, high fiber countering the carbs within.)

The joy of low carbing is you shed water stored throughout your body and so today was already two and a half pounds below yesterday's high peak weight. No single day means much on weight, but of course it's better to see the scale go down than up, even though intellectually I know it doesn't matter.

Of course the resolution required me to start with an expensive food shopping to set me up with favorite foods.  Caesar salads (will have to buy a roast chicken tonight), with excellent parmesan cheese and good greens. Easy grab guacamole, feta and olives, fancy flavored (but unsweetened) water, chicken salad for lunch today. A good habit I have to re-energize is bringing my lunch to work. It's so much cheaper, great when I'm pressed for time, and overcomes impulses at the glorious food truck city right outside my building. Instead of waiting on line at the trucks I can take a brief walk for roughly the same time.

This resolution is intended to last until Thanksgiving Day. I'm posting this so I have accountability. I'm thinking chunks of time, at least two weeks at a crack, may get me through this season. There is Thanksgiving, I'll be visiting my brother after that - he and his wife are real foodies, and I'll have more fun if I'm relaxed and have choices. Plus alcohol. But then I could have a three week stretch before Christmas.  There will be parties and food at the office throughout the time, but that will be no problem, if I have a plan to eat the good stuff just over the horizon.

The evening thing has been a persistant problem. Surely less tempting stuff in the house is good. But I think I need to have a mental but absolute cutoff - a virtual lock that appears on the kitchen at 8:30 each night. If the cravings are bad, I know from experience the best response is to leave the house with the dog and put some miles on, up and down the hills of my neighborhood.  It's cold and dark now, but I treated myself to a cool reflective running jacket specifically for this time. I like wearing it, which is part of the silly motivation, and whatever works is great.

So that's my thinking. I'm committed through Thanksgiving, and I'll reassess afterwards. What's your holiday plan?

Across the Bay 10K

I never had any real desire to do a 10K, but that was the only way I could go across the Bay Bridge. I signed up back in about July, so I had time to train. I did some longish runs on Friday nights after work, with the last being 6 miles. I figured that was close enough, since 10 kilometers is about 6.2 miles (not quite a quarter of a marathon). This is now the height of my ambition. No further is necessary - maybe 10 miles on a weekend jog, but no further.

It was good fun and I felt great.  I'm pleased that my pace towards the end was as good as my pace at the beginning.  There were 21,000 people!  They had to start in waves, because the bridge is 26 feet wide. A friend in the first wave finished (in about 45 minutes) while I was still waiting for the bus to the starting line.  I took an hour and fourteen minutes, at a pace equal to my 5K paces, so I'm very happy with how I did.  My girl asked if I won. The good thing about competing with yourself is you are bound to win no matter what!  I'm already signed up for next year.

I love statistics!

21,000 people

They closed one of the two spans

Near the beginning

More than half way

At the finish line

Big backup for buses back to parking afterwards

One way across the Bay

Anchors

High pressure beautiful day after the storm...

HMS Surprise. Sorry for the labored language, I'm under the spell
of all 20 books in the Patrick O'Brian series.

Make and mend day aboard the old barky. Rigging, decks and below are all ahoo from the recent tossing and turning. A falling glass indicates more rough weather on the way, but today is blessed with a gentle breeze. Equipment and clothes are strewn about, drying and ready to be inspected and mended before stowing. Shift from hot weather towards cold; things will be re-stowed in new places for the new conditions. Grateful for the opportunity to make things right before the breeze picks up again.

I've been thinking a lot about anchors. Twice this year, the engine failed on my boat, and I was immensely grateful for the literal security of the anchor holding us secure. But there are many metaphorical anchors in my life, and not all are so useful.

Sunday's slow run

Rocky, The Very Hungry Labrador, is a fabulous walking dog, but he is a real drag to go running with. I'm trying to build mileage, both running and walking, getting ready for the 10K Across the Bridge next month. Yesterday, I wanted to run, and was looking forward to pushing myself. But the day was so very fabulous I couldn't leave him behind shut in the house. I didn't regret it, even though after two miles he was done. He wouldn't move beyond his steady trot, except sometimes when I dangled a treat just beyond his nose. Just like towing a sea anchor the whole way. So I got most of the distance but not the extra conditioning that would come from pushing. But Rocky got to go swimming in the Chesapeake, so it was totally worth it.

I've also been trying to meditate more often. Less often than once a day, for less than fifteen minutes at a pop, the breath serves as my anchor. It is refreshing, even when I'm exhausted. I can almost always still my mind to do five minutes of silent meditation - in my car while waiting for my girl, in my office after lunch, snatches of time stolen from other "shoulds". Longer, requires guided meditations. Of course, there is an app for that.  It works for me.  I also will just stop for a few deep breaths and it helps, throughout the day.  It doesn't fix everything, but it makes me feel better.

Boy Nbr 1 was ringbearer at their first commitment
ceremony, 17 years ago, before their first child.

I worry I'm anchored too much in the past. Mindfulness calms me, and I can be in my individual moment, but I need to be present for others. I need to know what I have right now, what to do right now, and what we're looking forward to in the future. I attended a party on Friday out of state, old friends we haven't seen for a while. (A gay couple who were in Peace Corps with my sister, finally able to be legally hitched.) For us, it was a nostalgia trip. But for them, it was all about the happy present and hopeful future. Most of their friends have children about the same age, and so adolescents and pre-teens swarmed the food and dominated the dancing. It was a fun time, but it made me think.

My girl has a tough road ahead. I need to see her for herself, as herself, speaking for herself, not through a lens filled with all my issues from an imperfect life. I need to let go the anchor of the past, and head out with the tides and the breeze, dealing with what is there and coming up, not what should have been.

Anomie, Ennui, and Inertia

Anomie:  personal unrest, alienation, and uncertainty that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals.
Ennui:  a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest; boredom.
Inertia:  a feeling of not having the energy or desire that is needed to move or change.

Shades of meaning. Not quite the same thing, but clearly related. At different times, I suffer from all three.

This summer, the family went away without me. I had my job. I had my house, my dog, my boat, my friends. And yet, anomie seized me, even at work. What was I supposed to be doing? Why?  I was physically restless, far from inertia, walking and running to try to work off the restlessness and drive myself to the deep sleep of exhaustion. It could be quite pleasant, beyond the momentary physical relief.  But disconnected from the family, I failed to find purpose in anything.  Things did not become magically clear when the family returned, but  it was far easier to pause and ask myself, "what should I be doing right now?" and receive an answer that was clear and directed.  Not always (though often) directed at the welfare of the family, but clear and filled with purpose.  This is something to think about, as I prepare for an emptier nest next year.

Restless with anomie or purposeful, inertia or ennui sometimes seizes me. Paired with anomie, I can feel like the walking dead with no brains in sight to give me a direction. But also, the "what should I be doing" can be clear, and yet I don't do it. So of course that leads to guilt and shame.  Sometimes, that lack of action is driven by a lack of energy, physically, everything just seems overwhelming. Sometimes, it is the spirit that is lacking. There can be external causes that are clear and present. There is the serpent's tooth of the teenager, rebuffing my doing what I should. There can be lack of sleep, allergies, setbacks at work. Or the black cloud can just show up and visit, in either form.

When it is ennui, often I will find something else to do - walk, go someplace, do something other than the thing I should be doing, but at least do something. Break from the boredom, the same-old, same-old. An ice cream run may occur. I might even do some kind of a project. Movement may lead to additional momentum to get back to the shoulds, or at least produce something tangible I can feel good about.

But when it's inertia, usually I watch tv, surf cat videos, read an easy book, or go to sleep in the middle of the day, not things that I feel proud of later. It is killing time. Just trying to get through it, and let it pass.  Ice cream is too much work.  Work is too much work. (Thank god for meetings, the alternative to actual work.)  It passes, eventually.

Don't worry, guys. Depression runs in my family and I know it when I see it. This is not a huge, prevalent, looming problem for me. In fact, because it is rare, I try to pin it down, regard it from all sides, and figure it out. I want precision in my self diagnosis. Perhap the precision will assist in self-prescribing a cure.

I have an app:  gottaFeeling.  It prompts to look at its word lists, and find the precise one that matches the feeling of the moment.  It keeps track of history, and shows using colors in a beautiful graphic what has been reported as going on inside. I am not regular and faithful using it. It's probably a fair assumption that when I do report often, it's because I feel off track.  But it's interesting to me to look at, and think about. No aha moments, but a perspective more reliable than pure memory. "I've been feeling down a lot, let me see what I can do to help pull myself out of the hole." or "Gosh, look at all that yellow happiness there! What was going on? How can I do that again?"

Tracking, guys. It's what I do.

NOT Fat????!!!

I did a big push on losing weight starting in late January. Since then, I've had some bobbles up and down, but the trend has been down.  I'm not at my goal, but I've also decided not to focus on that goal for a while.  In the meantime, I am, for the first time in 15 years, at a Body Mass Index that says I am in the "normal" weight category.  This after decades of bouncing between "obese" and "overweight".  Yes, it's just a shade over the line. But over it is.

The ups and downs of my weight, since 1988. The horizontal gridlines are 10 pounds apart, and the highest to lowest weight are 50 pounds apart.

Does this mean I'm not fat?  I mean, if I'm not a fat person, then what am I?  My identity has been tied up in being a fat person my whole life. I was a fat kid. I remember looking at a camp form the summer I was 12, and to the question "Obese?" the doctor had written "borderline".  The earliest weights on this graph, in 1988, are from my Weight Watcher's book I found.  Obviously I joined because I was fat and wanted to lose weight - why else?

First world problems, folks. I'm not complaining about my weight, not by any means. In fact, while there is still plenty to criticize about my looks, in general I'm very happy with my body right now. While my top and bottom are still about size apart, buying clothes is much easier now than before. But the first time I realized the BMI number meant I was "normal", it was jarring, disorienting.  What does this mean for who I am?

I'm still five pounds above the "ideal weight" I've had in my mind since before those early Weight Watcher days, so I'm still someone who aspires to lose weight. But why? At this point, I don't believe five pounds makes an iota of difference to my health.  My legs are still fat, and I think I'll look a little better when I go down a little bit more.  But it won't be way better, because even though I'm building muscle, I'll still have sagging, older skin, no matter what I weigh. Not enough loose skin to be surgically removed, but enough to show.  So I'm doing it purely for looks, not for any other grander idea. But it won't suddenly transform me into Helen Mirren, not by a long shot.

Because it is currently fruit, sweet corn, ice cream, and beer season, I have moderated my Atkins diet significantly. My intent is to maintain for about another month, and then blitz the last five pounds.  If I can convince my body it likes this current weight, compared to the 10-pounds higher I was for the last few years, I'm pretty confident my blitz will work. To some extent, I'm doing it to see if I can. And if I can, I'd like to stay there.

This year's weight loss. The blip up in June was the San Francisco trip. On this chart, the horizontal lines are two pounds apart, so you can see I've bounced within a two pound range since July.

But why? What does it mean to be "normal"?  We all know I will never be able to just eat what I want and lie around as much as I want, so I'll always be paying attention (or else paying the price). But when maintaining I'm able to eat a much wider variety of foods and I like that. And I like buying an ice cream cone and sitting outside to eat it without thinking how everyone passing by is criticizing me in their mind, "no wonder she's fat".  I like the way I look in many of my clothes. When I walk into a room of people I don't know, I like that I no longer assume the first thing they think is "oh, she's fat".

I'm working out often and vigorously now.  I think I'm a project for my trainer - she has let me know I'm the oldest person she has trained, and she is experimenting with how hard she can push me. I am also running (thanks to a brief break in the weather) and systematically pushing to go further and faster.  I am filled with aches and pains, but I am overall healthy and quite possibly stronger than I was twenty years ago.   Forty years of hypochondria, and I always think I'm coming down with something. But the number of times I've gone to the gym because I have an appointment when I considered calling in sick is equal to the number of times I felt better afterwards, minus only one time when I really was sick.

I worry now when I walk into a room of strangers they are judging me for being old, and I'm trying to own that, not deny it.  I'm trying to rock the whole "wisdom" thing. I've been there, done that, my T-shirt wore out years ago, but let me listen to what you have to say and see if I can't coach you to be more successful than me. At the same time, I watch people more closely than I ever have, trying to figure out what I want to be like, because I'm not done changing yet.  I consciously try to walk more briskly, with a spring in my step, instead of the saunter or plod that was my more normal mode of moving through the world.  I'm listening more, and trying to talk less.  But I'm nowhere near ready to go all white in the hairs, no matter how much I try to own my age.  Every five weeks, Paul fixes me up.

I know how very fragile my new found strength and body confidence are.  All it will take is an injury, or a melt-down from a certain adolescent, or a change in my work circumstances, and I could shoot right back up to the top of the curve.  But I'm enjoying this now while I can, and trying to capture what allows me to be here.

Let's Get It Started in Here!

I'm running, and running, and running...

I've had a good few weeks for running, with some down spots along the way. The first week of July, I ran in a women's 5K in Annapolis, for the second year in a row.  My time this year was two full minutes faster than last year's race!  That is a really big deal.

I joined a tiny little running club, and it's helping me show up.  Way cheaper than personal training, this "club" is a meet-up group. Every Sunday morning there is a rendezvous to run around a little man-made lake, and afterwards we go get bagels. (Except I get coffee, no bagels for me.)  There have been as few as two and as many as six of us so far. Each of us goes around the lake a couple of times at our own individual paces.  I like the company, and I like the repetition because it lets me compare from one week to the next, and I'm definitely getting faster.

In addition to Sunday mornings, I'm trying to run Fridays after work, down on the mall.  It is one of the places people travel from all over the world to see, so why not?  I don't run outside when its over 90 degrees, so I've actually done it twice.  This past Friday was relatively awesome.  Good weather, and I felt good. I put in four miles, which is far for me.

Meetup.com is a website where anyone can set up a group and announce a time and place to get together. I've been to several meetups, starting with the Quantified Self, where I gave my talk about my graphs. I've also been to some technical data visualization sessions, and last year did some hikes. I searched for local running groups, and stumbled on one organized by a guy nearby. Basically, he or the co-organizer decide on rendezvous time and place and enter it into the website, and anyone pretty much can sign up and go.  They also post races members are going to, so I heard about some fun ones. In September, I'll go run the runways at Dulles Airport, a 5K.  In October, I'll be doing the Dead Man's Run at Historic Congressional Cemetery again - and this time, I think I'll have company from our meetup club.  In November, I'm going to run the Chesapeake Bay Bridge - and this race is a 10K - about 6 1/2 miles.  I'll need to get the distance up by then.

I've been looking for a training plan to follow. I've not found anything on-line that works for me, but I've read enough general guidance to figure out a routine that could work. "Tempo" runs are ones where you try to keep a set pace for a certain time period. That is what I tried to do today and succeeded to get my fastest run at the lake so far- no walk breaks.  "Long" runs are what they sound like - set out to go the distance, and pretty much ignore pace.  For me, that means its ok to intersperse walk breaks.  That is what I'm trying for on Fridays down on the mall.  "Intervals" are short bursts of trying to be fast, with slower periods for recovery.  If I am able to do a midweek morning run (by "able", I mean have the gumption, there is no physical reason not to) that is what I should try for.  The dog is not interested in running far for long, so that's another reason short intervals should work for us. I leave him behind on Sundays, and he's obviously not at work with me on Fridays. Since he becomes a boat anchor when he's had enough, that means I need the time both to run and to walk him.

I continue to go to the gym, twice a week. My trainer mixes intense cardiac intervals with the strength training, which is also helping the running.  Pretty much, I have a constant series of aches and pains. My sciatica is my little friend, always there just above my right buttock, sending messages down the leg as far as my ankle.  Both knees are sore, though the right one is more bothersome. I stubbed my toe last week, and after two dog walks and a lake run, it was red and swollen. "Runners logic" said go to the gym, just don't do any box jumps.  Last week, I seem to have slept wrong and got a knot in my right scapula. It's worst when I sit or sleep, however, it gets better with movement. Anytime it rains, I wake up with sneezing fits from whatever gets released into the atmosphere with moisture.   This torrent of complaints is to say this activity may be leading towards "younger next year" but it doesn't mean I feel awesome all the time.  It makes me happy and makes me feel strong, however.

Except the first five minutes, every time. That is such a huge hurdle, and the biggest barrier to keeping it up.  Here is the track record (so to speak) - I want to get the count up for August.

San Francisco and What I Ate

Spectacular conference location

What a terrific time I had!  I stayed 5 nights - that seemed about right to me. Not a big trip that needed lots of prep and lots of finishing up things at work so I could get away. I was ready to come home, but enjoyed all the time there.  Oh, and the talk went pretty well. It may be on the internet again. I really enjoyed hearing others talk on their data and discoveries.

Aquarium of the Bay

I decided in advance I was going to eat well if not wisely. But I never thought of it as "cheating" - cheating who of what?  I was going to enjoy myself. It turns out I can enjoy myself without going totally overboard (for those who think two ice cream treats in a single day that also featured beer is not going overboard).  I have raised my deliciousness threshold much higher than it used to be, so was only tempted  into carb-land when the bread was truly sour or the beer was a locally made draft.  Ben and Jerry's doesn't cut it anymore - I required my sweets to be local and preferably unusual.

My big boy came along, and we traveled fairly well together. Several of his high school and college friends have settled in the area, so he spent about half or more of his time with them and the rest with me. That was just fine with me. At the beginning, I had my conference, and I've always enjoyed wandering around looking at things on my own which I did the other days. What is always awkward for me when traveling is eating dinner alone (lunches are easy). I'm better than I used to be about going to a nice restaurant and telling the host "just me for dinner", but it still takes some of my finite supply of gumption to do it. So it was fine that it worked out that we ate together most nights.  One night, however, alone in a large dining room, I pulled out my phone and read through dinner.

We had the fabulous experience of the Cafe at Chez Panisse. I've wanted to go to Chez Panisse since I first read of it thirty years ago. Sadly, the restaurant was closed the nights I could go, but the more casual cafe was open and it was perfect.  There, my boy and I first discovered that we have very similar tastes in food and drink - our first and second choices were the same, so we flipped who got what and did tastings. This continued for the rest of the trip.

One thing I remembered to do at Chez Panisse, and then continued for the rest of the trip, was to slow way down in my eating and savor.  I didn't want to rush the Chez Panisse experience, but then I discovered that "savoring" each bite in a mindful way was really worth it. I continued to do this the rest of the trip, and was truly content with simply three forkfuls of a chocolate cake a couple of days later.  My boy ate the rest.

We were staying at Fisherman's Wharf. My conference was about a mile away along the waterfront, so I started right in getting lots of walking. This continued, interspersed with two days of running. One day I got 35,000 steps on the fitbit - my previous record was 25K, set the day before, but before that I had topped out several times over the past few months at 20K. I also ran along the waterfront a couple of mornings. I

Dinner at Chez Panisse

thought of participating in a 5K while I was there, but the logistics of getting to the suburban location defeated me.  Instead, I took a bus to Sausalito and walked. I also thought of walking across the Golden Gate bridge, but after taking the bus over it I was pretty sure I didn't have the head to handle the height. So I walked some more along the waterfront instead and had some fabulous fish tacos while eating outside.

My boy and I hiked the length of Golden Gate park, had a fabulous lunch on the beach, and then hiked along the coastal trail up the Pacific shore and around the point to the Golden Gate. I really like hiking.  I was reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed while I was there, and was inspired to look and see if there is a coastal trail the length of the Pacific Coast in the U.S.. It appears there is an attempt to establish one the length of California, at least. I bookmarked some resources describing the routes and the trails, and also some sites that feature routes for "inn to inn hiking".  I kind of like that idea - I've thought of foreign walking tours (Tuscany comes to mind), but the California coast is also pretty exotic to this eastern girl.  It's something to seriously consider for a future vacation.

This guy really wanted my ice cream cone but it was MINE

So I'm actually tired and footsore from my vacation, but in a good way.  Time to tighten up my eating again - bye bye extra dark Ghiradelli Squares, hello garlicky creamed kale - and see how long it takes to get back on track to losing weight.

(written 6/24 pm, but holding off posting until pictures are consolidated).

Out in Public

I'm taking a vacation in San Francisco. Why SF and why now is because there is a small conference on Quantified Self. This is the (national) group of data geeks that are into hacking themselves, by collecting and analyzing all kinds of data. They asked me to reprise the talk I gave back in November to our local group. So I wrapped a short vacation around the conference dates and took advantage of conference hotel rates to stay right on Fishermans Wharf. Then I talked my big boy into coming out with me.

I've been practicing my talk, which has to be structured a certain way. I worked hard on my slides. Imagine my surprise to walk into the conference facility and discover MY DATA splashed up on a 15 foot tall pillar!

Feeling Vulnerable

I’ve been a busy bee!  My fitbit steps have been climbing steadily, a mark of my overall activity levels. But last Saturday scared me to death. I am so afraid of physical incapacitation limiting my plan to go vigorously into old age. I am very aware of how fragile our bodies are, and how of close and how out of our control the possibility of injury or illness is.

Friday, my office moved. Just to a different floor in the same building, and just temporarily, while they refurbish our space. But the office moved to its present location in 1990, and stuff just accumulated. I’ve been in my actual office since 2005, and I did not start with a clean slate but inherited files from the guy I replaced.  We’ve been working for weeks to get rid of stuff, but oddly when you work for the government some paper cannot be thrown away based simply on your assessment of how trivial it is. Records must be maintained, and in some cases even sent to the National Archives for permanent storage. So for weeks we’ve been sorting through enormous 6 foot high cabinets, pitching or boxing as necessary. Finally, on Friday, I had to complete my own office space.  I got it done, but for the first time ever, I got to my 10,000 step goal during the work day – in fact, by 2 pm. And many of those steps were on the stairwell between floors 6 and 9, and many were toting boxes or things too complicated to pack.

 

But Friday when I got home, I had to mow the grass. I had blown it off for so long, I was seriously afraid of getting a citation from the county, with parts of it sticking up knee-high and waving seed-heads in the breeze.  I had to do it, because Saturday was sailing!  And Sunday it might rain. So two hot and tough hours, and I earned twice my average steps that day.

Saturday was perfect, and my boat partner, her husband, and I met early at the marina and were motoring out of the creek while raising the sails in just 35 minutes – really fast for a shake-down cruise.  Sadly, just as we got to the mouth of the creek the engine alarm went off. While it was still working, I elected to shut her down, and with no wind available we went through emergency anchoring procedures, just outside the narrow part of the channel and with a couple of hundred yards to spare on shallow water, and we doused and furled the sails.  I have the boating equivalent of AAA, TowBoat US, the “idiot’s package”, unlimited towing. This was the second time in 10 years we used it – we would have sailed back to the dock had we been able. But instead, after a not-unpleasant hour bobbing around in the beautiful weather feeling like duffers, the red boat came, I upped anchor, and we were ignominiously escorted back into the slip, with a huge audience on a glorious Memorial Day weekend.  The boat will be fine – we have a good idea what is wrong with her, but are too lazy to spend time possibly fruitlessly troubleshooting. But somehow in the up-anchoring process, I did a bend-and-twist that got my back out of order.  It didn’t happen at once, but an hour after we were back ashore I couldn’t straighten up.  We had Tylenol from 2008 in our med kit, and that helped some, as did some yoga-stretchy maneuvers on the grass.  Walking made it feel better, sitting was awful, driving was bad.

So instead of my consolation prize of kayaking instead, I went home and took a nap, flat on my back with pillows under my knees.  I spent some time with my girl, then early to bed with more OTC drugs and those pillows under the knees. 

I am very conscious of how I move through the world. I strive for a confident brisk stride with a Mary Richards “so glad to be here” smile on my face. My brief single yoga class has had a permanent good impact on my posture, as I hold my shoulders back but down, humble yet proud, with my feet rooted firmly to the center of the earth, and my knees and pelvis just so. With all I’ve read of the mind-body connection, this is my version of theSuperwoman pose.  With this pain, I kept trying to move and stand that way, and not making it.  It hurt, and I simply could not stand up – I still am not sure if I couldn’t make myself do it, or if the muscles had tightened to the point it was impossible.

Did not feel good first thing in the morning, so I grabbed the OTC meds before coffee, even. But I went of compost.  At some point during the day, I realized my back did not hurt.  In fact, after I dropped my girl and her friend at a concert in Baltimore, I turned to the marina and went kayaking for an hour.  Monday, more gardening, a strength and agility workout at the gym, and very fancy dinner cooked by me for all.

Since then I am hardly pain free.  In truth, I never am. My back started hurting in 2004 and hasn’t stopped since.  But since a year after it started, it has mostly been a dull pain, managed with yoga and stretching and OTC meds. My sciatica is kind of my little friend, always there but not dominating my life the way it did the first few months I had it.  This pain this weekend was piercing and all consuming, and the inability to move freely was frightening, and I was really afraid my life was going to change.  You can count on me to catastrophize everything and jump to the worst case scenario.  But in a stroke of fortunate irony, the longer I sit still the worse I feel. I need to stand up and walk around regularly.

Perhaps I’ve been a little smug about how strong I’ve been feeling.  I try to be very careful not to blame the victims of bad health and instead try to exude empathy and keep my “but for blind dumb luck, there could be me” to myself. This weekend should remind me how very important it is. 

Run Away

Forty-eight hour business trip to the beach near Charleston, SC. Damnedest thing--men in ties and jackets, women in heels, in a building 200 yards from the ocean. Except me, of course. No heels for me, and at my age and stage of career, my work clothes are comfortable.

Got lots of beach miles, walking and early morning running. Didn't bring a bathing suit. Nervous enough seeing work people in compression spandex. No way they get to see bare skin. I thought of my friend Alice, and her similar trip to nearby Savannah. 

Had time on Sunday to walk 22,000 steps through Old Charleston. I swear, if I was 20 years old and just starting out, I'd totally move to Charleston. All the tourism folks talking to us emphasized the food scene there, as much as the 10,000 new good jobs building Boeing airliners.  But this is the old South. I am unable to tell if the rest of my family would be as welcome here as I felt. 

Away from family responsibilities. No crisis while gone, but fretting over being out of touch as we live on a knife edge always. Home tonight, and all well. Positive movements. 

I love that my ideal time away includes running and walking. I was able to eat well without blowing it, but back to strict induction tomorrow for 3 weeks to try to blast through this plateau. 

Mostly Wordless Update

My weight has stabilized at a new, lower weight. In my mind I'm still trying to lose weight, but the data tells me my actions are otherwise.  (I track in My Fitness Pal, which gives me calories and macronutrients.  I've been very consistent in the tracking since January.)

I'm off tomorrow for a quick business trip where I'll have little control over my food. When I get back, I'd like to do another 3 weeks of strict strict induction Atkins, and see where that takes me.  But I'm liking where I am.

Eyeball says about 6 pounds down.

Calories do matter

I strive for around 25 net carbs. Induction is under 20.

Macro-nutrients from bottom: Net Carbs, Fiber, Fat, Protein

Focused on exercise

I prioritize my exercise pretty high. Maybe even too high, letting some other responsibilities slide. But the exercise is paying off. I have mostly stopped meditating, but the exercise is major relief. I go to the gym twice a week where I meet my trainer. I try to run three times a week but it's really only twice most weeks. But I walk, as the weather is nicer. I've up my goals on the Fitbit, and am often in a friendly competition with real life and virtual friends. Walking is my religion, it settles me down and also settles down my voracious dog.

I like the way I look, for the most part, as a result of the diet and exercise. A week ago my boy took a picture of me before our 5K, and it's one of the few of me I truly like.  Not just (by a trick of the camera and maximum compression fabric) looking slimmer than I am, but self assured, strong and happy.

Today another great thing happened.  I was early at the big gym, and my trainer set up a seven-station circuit for me.  Box jumps, kettle bell squats, rows and side planks and medicine ball tosses...  Really hard work with timed periods and short rests. I was catching my breath after the second time through, and one of the few other folks in at that time, a twenty-something buff guy who had been working the weights, came over and said "I just want to let you know you are awesome! I don't know if I could power through the circuit the way you are."

How about that!

But maybe I shouldn't have celebrated tonight with quite so much chocolate...

Me and Social Media

I've been spending a lot of time with social media lately.  I think it's getting to be a problem, but it also brings benefits. 

I was actually an early adopter of what is now called social media. My involvement stretches back to the 1980s, immediately pre Internet.  My employer, a major airline, sponsored access to Compuserve, in order to facilitate communication with its mobile workforce of pilots and flight attendants.  Through that dial up at home access, I participated in Compuserve Forums, text based discussion groups formed and organized by users to facilitate enthusiasts talking. There I formed my first online persona. I almost entirely "lurked" (read without posting) but I was quite attached to the group discussion and for a while didn't go a day without signing on. It happened there was a real life gathering of my group I could attend. I opted to lurk in real life too, showing up but lingering at the fringes of the group, trying to link faces with the folks I thought I had gotten to know.  It's worthy of note that none of those people had any connection to my "real" life, neither personal life nor work life.

There is a big discussion going on about the role of social media in social life.  Some folks consider digital life as separate from physical life, and feel they can behave in ways they never would in real life, both for good and for bad.  I never felt that free, but I think it's because I have had decades of trying to preserve a firewall between my work life and my home life.  My first job out of grad school catapulted me to a strange society where I loved my job and had essentially nothing in common with anyone at work. I'd be invited to parties, and spend time with the guys talking about work. But when they switched to sports, I'd join the wives, who were discussing children and laundry techniques.  It's what was important in their lives, but not in mine. We didn't share values or world views, so I learned not to share what I thought with anyone at work, on non work topics. The first thing I did when I got home home from work was change my clothes, symbolically rejoining my real self. When I first went online, the Compuserve forum I mostly frequented had several of my colleagues, and that motivated me to stay silent. But I was drawn into the voyerism of glimpses of others' lives and opinions. As the Internet grew, so did my fascination with hearing others opinions on things that interest me.

Flash forward to today and Facebook. I have many facebook friends, but not one of them is a work colleague.  I've recently started participating much more in facebook groups-clearly a successor to Compuserve Forums. I have wide interests, and have joined several groups.  The volume of posts exceeds those of my actual friends, and the Facebook algorithms mean those whose posts I click through to read comments, and especially if I comment on them myself, jump to the top of the feed and I have to go searching for my actual friends (Facebook of course also decides which are my closest friends by my actions).  This means if I'm interested, I have to at least "like" stuff, and it's even better to speak up. And I do.

I found a facebook group some time ago formed around my first fitness tracking device. As fitness devices have proliferated, the group has expanded its focus and its membership.  It clearly has my soulmates, folks with a similar engagement with technology as a motivation for fitness.  Through this group, I have broader engagement with people on the social platforms created by the two biggest tracker families-Fitbit and Jawbone-than I would have if I relied solely on my less tech friendly real life friends for connection. (Jawbone I have one real life friend, Fitbit three, but lots of my Facebook group friends share their info with me, a stranger, and I with them.). We trade tips about how to use our devices, we share articles and links on exercise and devices, and we cheer each other on in activity.  

I've written about how Atkins diet has a stigma. I've discovered the flip side- there are Atkins adherents with a religious fervor.  I got booted out of an Atkins Facebook group by the mean-girl admin because I dared to suggest the late doctor didn't have the entire revealed wisdom on how to eat.  There are sects, too.  The successor to the Atkins franchise has kept the major outlines, but emphasizes cooking from scratch and eating vegetables much more than the late doctor.  Many folks only want to read and follow the prescription by the doctor himself, not the subsequent heretical interpretations and amendments. I think of them as the fundamentalists, whereas I'm more Mennonite- thoughtfully deciding what I'll accept or reject from mainstream thinking. Some days, you can hardly tell by looking at my plate that I'm an Atkins adherent-I blend right in.

But I am fascinated by the discussions and the glimpses into people's lives. Someone posted about losing 16 pounds in two weeks, and he only needed to lose 2 more to be under FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS.  I read it several times, and that's what he said.  Last night, he went to the hospital because he was weak, and posts continued as we found out he needed to reduce his blood pressure medication because the diet had helped so much already.  Another woman was shunned by her in- laws and banned from Easter dinner because she asked if she could bring a dish to because the menu wouldn't have allowed her to eat anything while staying on the diet. (Casseroles, deep fried and breaded stuff, sweet salads and sweets). They were insulted. Her husband brought a lamb meat feast home and they had (small) family time instead.  Of course, you have no idea what actually happened, or the context, but these little mini-dramas are oddly compelling.

I've seen a lot of good ideas for this way of eating (and only about half of them are bacon-themed). That's the main reason I follow these sites-looking for what people actually eat in real life, not for the voyeurism or the squabbles on orthodoxy. This morning, for example, I had a "pancake" made of two eggs beaten with a quarter cup full-fat ricotta cheese, and a splash of vanilla for richness. Cooked in butter. It didn't need sweetener in my opinion, though others would disagree and want at least sugar-free syrup on top.  The visual was very pancake-like, and the taste was more pancake than scrambled egg. I read folks often put almond or coconut floor in (maybe a tablespoon) and that actually makes it fluffier rather than heavy. I'll try that-I've got almond flour in the freezer.  It held me nicely past my normal lunch time. The only problem was I did not take time to make any vegetables, and of course fruit is a no-no. Except for blueberries, which I didn't have but which could be very good added to the mix.

But I spend too much time with racing and replying. I don't allow myself to look at Facebook while at work-though I often will spend my lunch in my office reading work-related blogs.  I want to limit my time on this, because time is so limited. I currently feel like even watching tv is higher on (my abstract) virtue hierarchy.  So I'm trying to ration myself. I look at the clock when I sit down, and try to cut myself off. Too often, I blow past my own deadline and keep reading.  I'll have to consider more drastic measures.

Right now, I've got to get moving because daylight is burning. But will I click on Facebook before I stand up? Can I spend just 2 minutes on it?  What's the harm?

Spring, Finally

We've had a few signs of spring. The second the snow retreated, the croscuses jumped into bloom. But conditions have been up and down.

But yesterday marked one of my important milestones on the progress of spring. I went running with the dog outside before work. It was both warm enough and light enough. We left before sunrise, and went through the neighborhood. But on the way back, it was light enough to feel good going through the stream valley park behind the house.  There, it's darker, the footing on the paved but rough path is uncertain, and it's a little bit isolated. Lot's of other people were out, so it felt good.

Both the dog and I are out of shape, but this is S-O-O-O great!

Cheat Days

Because eating very low carb causes your body to switch how it processes food, a single day of eating high carb can cause weight to fluctuate.  Just as the original 4-8 pounds loss is water, so the quick gain is also water.  I've now got an N=2 example of this.  Here is the stackup of the nutrients I've been eating, with net carbs in red on the bottom:

I went on Atkins seriously on 1/20/2015, initially aiming for less than 20 net grams of carbohydrate a day, now less than 30.  The big peak on the right is my birthday, 3/22.  There is a small peak around March 1 - I was being social, which included eating much more liberally - not so much in calories but in content, allowing a wider range of carbohydrate foods.

Here is my weight for the same time period, with daily numbers in blue and the weekly average in red:

You can see two bump ups-in my daily scale weight, the first from the 2-day smaller peak and the second from my birthday.  In each case, it took about a week to get back on trend.

Is it worth it to deviate like that?

Short answer:  YES - to a point.  I live in the real world, and relationships are more important.than what I eat or what I weigh.  But there comes a point where it is not about the relationships, but just about really really liking the Carvel ice cream cake with birthday candles... and that's the point where it would make sense to stop!  At any rate, it's always reversable, and you just have to acknowledge (even at the time) this is what will happen.

But it's fine. Excelsior!

Absolutely Actively Atkins

Today I saw a number on the scale I last saw a number on the scale I last saw in the year 2000! And the weekly average is also down!  I am overcoming the bounce!  Not blasting through, but maybe an image of chipping a slightly bigger dent with each bounce.

This is taking a whole lot of effort. I'm not sure how long I'll maintain the effort, but I'm really working on finding sustainable things to eat and short cuts and habits to make doing this easier.  I would like to achieve a certain goal - which is less than 10 pounds away - but may be satisfied 5 pounds short of that - if it becomes my new set point.

So this time I am totally, completely, "doing Atkins".  In the past, I have read the books and done it, but decided in many cases that I know it, and so I made choices without thinking them completely through.  I also have been influenced by cultural stigmas around Atkins, which resulted in me being ambivalent about the process, and only committed to it for a short-term weight-loss goal, not for the rest of my life.  I wrote about it this in the past. I've gone back and read those posts, which are newly tagged "Atkins". Now, I'm all in. For life, but that doesn't mean just like what I'm doing now.  I'm out of the closet, and dangerously close to wanting to proselytize.

The science is finally catching up with Atkins, which was developed by Dr. Robert Atkins based on his clinical experience, not conventional wisdom. Current dietary recommendations - and even the way Weight Watchers scores points - is relatively Atkins friendly.  You want to lose weight, control your blood sugar, or improve your cholesterol numbers?  Cut carbs, up protein, and don't worry about "healthy fats".  This is now the conventional wisdom. In fact, the newest recommendations by the "Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee", (which are draft recommendations and yet to be finalized) basically say this, walking away from the old food pyramid with starches on the big bottom.  The part of this that seemed to grab the most headlines was the point that dietary cholesterol has essentially nothing to do with the cholesterol and so you can feel fine about eating eggs.  The original recommendation was based on a reasonable hypothesis - but no clinical evidence - that there was a relationship.  The science testing this hypothesis has been repeated several times in the last twenty years, always with the same result - the cholesterol in your blood is manufactured by your body, not from eating cholesterol.  But due to prejudice, and scientific and bureaucratic inertia, the draft guidelines finally (and grudgingly) acknowledge this.

There is a counter culture underground that has followed Atkins for years. There are also many other named variations of eating like this - Paleo is the current most popular label. I am sticking with the detailed Atkins guidelines right now, not mixing and matching from other diets. But there are of course sub-variants even within Atkins. I've found several discussion groups on-line where folks are adamant about following "the Atkins diet as Dr. Atkins himself specified it". That is captured in a book published in 1980; there was an update in 1993 and maybe some revised editions until Dr. Atkins died (from injuries sustained in a fall) in 2003.  They seem to think he was a prophet, where I think he was an insightful clinician.  But science has moved on. So there are books written from 2010 on that modify The Doctor's prescriptions slightly. That is what I am following.  I'm going back and reading and re-reading a couple of different books that stick to the same rules but describe and talk about them differently.

Certainly anyone reading this far knows the broad outlines of the Atkins Diet.  Eat meat. Eat fat.  Eat bacon and eggs for every meal. Eat bacon-wrapped bacon.  Eat steaks with bearnaise sauce with a daily glass of red wine. Eat Atkins-labelled shakes and energy bars.

Well, actually not so much.  The main new point is to focus on getting enough vegetables.  This is an element for life.  Limited portions of meat, limited amounts of dairy, limited amounts of avocados and nuts.  No fake sweeteners (though there are raging debates about what is fake - for example, is stevia fake?  Are sugar alcohols?).  Read every label and eliminate any with sugar (in any of its synonyms) listed within the first five ingredients, or that has more than five carbohydrate grams per serving.  Generally, don't even bother looking at anything labelled "low fat" because chances are it has starch and sugar - this is very true in the dairy world, including greek yogurt. Track your food, and start with an average of 20 net carbohydrate grams per day, +/- 2 grams.  "Net carbohydrates" means you can subtract fiber grams from the total, so high fiber vegetables like cauliflower and avocados can add volume.  As you track your food, also track your calories because they do matter if you want to lose weight. I read a lot, and there are tidbits, pointers, and new ideas coming up all the time.

In practice, this pretty much means cook from scratch from primary ingredients.  Almost all prepared salad dressings or sauces have sugar in them. Almost all prepared meats have too many carbs. No yummy beef stews or curried chicken from the food bar at Whole Foods - because I don't know what's in them, but they are almost all thickened with some form of starch.  (I can grab a roast chicken, though, hooray!)

The general idea is to strictly limit carbs and calories initially. One's body takes a couple of weeks to learn how to process fat as the main source of fuel. Once the transition is made, food choices can be slightly expanded, along with the carb count which can ratchet up by about 5 grams a week. Generally, to lose weight, carbs need to be stopped under 50 grams.  Because meat is limited, and carbs are limited, but generally you should eat at least 1100 calories a day, a lot of the food is fat. Atkins does not really emphasize "good fats" versus bad ones, though a consequence of limiting meat is limiting fat from meat.  As I am losing weight, some of my fuel by definition is coming from my own body fat, and I'm limiting total calories.  Once I decide to stop losing weight, I won't be burning my own fat, and so will need to up my calorie count to provide adequate fuel. NOT FROM CARBS, and not from protein, so my fat intake should go up.

So I'm staying under 30 grams of net carbs now, and only gradually widening my food choices. Blueberries are my favorite berries, which is the first fruit allowed. Melon is also allowed early on, but that's hard to do in small portions for just me. I've got all tree nuts, (but not cashews or peanuts) and most green vegetables, and would eat small amounts of winter squash, sweet potatoes, and carrots, but I haven't gone out of my way to get them.

I travelled for work this week, and managed my way through even without a concrete plan. We went as a group of six to a famous barbecue place. It was St Patrick's Day, and everyone had beer.  I looked at it longingly, but found a "dirty martini" on the menu. Alcohol has no carbs, it has a tiny amount of vermouth, and brine from the olive jar. Salty and tasty.  Dinner was way too much meat (no red sauce) and a tasty vegetable kabob.  I boxed up the meat, left it on the hotel room windowsill overnight, and had some plain meat for breakfast, got a green salad from the cafeteria to go with the last of the meat for lunch.  My a handful of almonds I had brought got me home.

Folks on the discussion group are full of discussions about how to make sweets. They use stevia and xylitol. Not for me. They also make "fat bombs" with these fake sweets, to up calorie count without carbs.  But I did make my version where I melted in the microwave roughly a quarter-cup each of almond butter, coconut oil, cream cheese, and 80% dark chocolate. Poured into mini-muffin tins and frozen (because not stable at room temp) a single treat has 120 calories and only 2 carbs - and nothing fake!  One a day max, if my calorie count is low.

I intend to make shrimp alfredo with basil pesto zoodles for dinner.  (Zoodles are strings cut from zucchini, using a vegetti which happily my girl gave me for Christmas. )  Yum!

Tomorrow, I'll eat a treat, and allow myself to go up in carbs - but ideally would like to be under 50. I won't take the whole day off, because I'm on a good trend, and I don't want to upset it.

Excelsior!  Nothing motivates to stay the course like seeing progress!