This is the first anniversary of my first day of retirement. I've been a bit a reflective, and entirely too much up in my own head. It's report card season, and I've been pulling data to check on myself. But now isn't the moment for that.
My motto for the year is ENGAGE. So far, I'm not doing very well at that. I've shrunken in on myself, and disengaged by distracting myself with books. Current events broke in on me and pushed me first to anger, hot and red. As I read the news over the weekend, I fell more and more into despair, cold and blue. Family issues drove me a very rare panic attack. (The issues are real, but not panic level.) But I can't stay in this state. Finally, I'm very slowly moving towards action. The anger and despair are still there, but I'm prepared to engage.
The final push came from my wonderful long-time personal trainer. I've been vegetating, but last week finally worked with her to come with a new plan. I was quite diligent last week, and she followed up yesterday when my mood was at my lowest. I woke up this morning (to the most beautiful day ever) with the thought, "there is nothing that gets better by my solitary despair" and, it's personal corollary, "almost everything will be better with me if I work out". So not directly out of bed to the workout, but I got it done and I do feel much better. Moving all my body makes me feel better, and gives me energy. I've moved on to the rest of my day prepared to actually do something. Not much, not everything, but some things.
This moment in our country requires someone other than me to lead. My wise friend noted, the best thing for us right now is to give money
and support the young folks in our lives. YES! That struck a chord. So,
based on a tip from another friend, I visited the Obama Foundation page where
there are links to at least a half dozen organizations I assume have
been vetted to some degree. I couldn't decide between them, so I gave to
all of them. Of course, my new favorite organization is all about using data science to inform meaningful policy changes in policing.
I've been reading a lot on issues, and am nearly done with How to Be an Anti-Racist. It is really really good at putting things into perspective for me. The author, Ibram X. Kendi, has a strong emphasis on the need for policy changes to effect lasting change. This of course works for me. But there are personal issues of change that are just as needed by folks like myself raised with white privilege. One of my Utah retreat leaders used to be a diversity trainer (before she became a sponsored athlete). She will be leading some workshops in a couple of weeks I am going to participate - along the lines of "anti-racism activities for white people". She herself is both Black and Latinx.
Since my mother died last September, I also have been ignoring the messages from all of the environmental organizations I sought out when first I retired. I can't, I shouldn't, try to lead in the fight for racial justice. But I certainly can usefully contribute more of my own physical and mental self to environmental policy issues. There is also intersectionality - I'll be attending a webinar on the troubled background between race and the environmental movement. But I'll also participate in a seminar on how to be an environmental advocate from your couch. I think this has a chance to play into my strengths! And, I've got some letters to write to my county councilmembers.
So I'm coming out of my stupor that pre-dated the despair. When I think about what is going on in the streets of our country right now, I'm terrified. I really feel we are on the cusp of war. But what can I do? I can do what I can do. It's all I can do. And I have to actually do it.
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