New High

Me, dressed in clean-the-house clothes,
right after seeing the new high weight on the scale.

Not in a good way. Hit a new weight mark that ends in a zero. On the way up. Yikes.

I mused on my current situation on the forum website for my mindful eating program. This is the first time in a couple of months. The sad fact is evidence says mindful eating is not turning out to be a good strategy for me. But I'm not ready yet to declare defeat.

Here is a clip from my analysis. I've established three specific problems to apply mindful techniques to. We'll see how this works.

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Another specific problem is in the late afternoon, especially on workdays where my schedule is driven externally. Sometime between 2 and 5 pm, I have a serious decline in energy. I have paid enough attention to know I am actually hungry, so I have been experimenting with healthy snacks. It’s not working. Last week, for instance, I had a quarter cup (measured) of macademia nuts and two clementine oranges. This was very tasty, but I was still hungry and not re-energized. Eating candy (always available) becomes the next course, and it helps on the energy, but it quickly gets out of hand. I am often in the office finishing up paperwork until 7 and am not home before 8.

My new experiment will be to actually bring a serious but small meal for 4-5 pm. When I think about snacks, I think “celery and almond butter” or some such: nuts and something fruity or vegetably. But I’m going to try to bring a small portion of something much more substantial, and that may include something more whole food carby, like chili with beans is appealing to me. Or a chopped salad, not so much on the leafy greens but rather dense with brocolli and salami and olives. (I normally eat a more basic salad for lunch, lettuce and spinach and meat and dressing.) It’s important this late small meal be very easy to eat at my desk, no time for anything else. I do have access to a refridgerator and microwave.

My last problem is most often later at night, though on weekends it’s not necessarily late. It’s just being home. I want a sweet treat. I’m not hungry. It’s not a physically defined craving. It’s in my head. It’s all about pleasure and being cared-for. It’s a reward. I’ve tried the hot cup of tea and very rarely that helps. But my ideal is to not have to swear off sweets, because I like them so much. My ideal is to be able to have a cordial relationship with exquisitely wonderful small portions of snacks. So far, that’s worked maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time, it gets out of hand quickly. My only strategy on that is to be mindful, focus on second gear. When asking the question “what am I getting from this?” I have a clear answer: I get pleasure, and earlier in the day I get anticipation of pleasure, as I eat wisely and well and mindfully. The pleasure doesn’t carry through way too much food, but it’s there at the beginning and I can’t see my way to saying “no, you won’t have that pleasure.” Thinking about it, that is a path to denial which is likely to backfire. Unless and until I have disenchantment with the first bite, I can’t see where to go with that.

So there is no such thing as “giving up”, though there are moments of greater and lesser paying attention to the struggle.>>