What Do I Want To Look Like?

This is a tough one. I have my well-thought out reasons for why I want to lose weight and get in shape. Several of them are about my appearance - I don't want someone's first thought on meeting me to be "what a fat slob!". But what do I want to look like? I do not have a picture of myself in my head looking the way I want to look.

I've become obsessive about looking at folks on the street, trying to find someone shaped as I want to be shaped. It's not so easy.  To start with, I've realized what might be realistic for me to achieve in the way of appearance. I'll never be tall and willowy. Anyone I see with that ballet dancer silhouette is out of consideration with no more than a wistful sigh. Even if not tall, there are plenty of women that are purely thin, and that I will never be, nor do I really wish to be. I want muscles. I'm not, shall we say, bodacious on top, so busty women are not in consideration for Nan's future body double. Neither am I an apple, so those with round centers are out of the running.  And sadly, I'm not going to get younger, despite the rejuvenating powers of exercise, so the young 'uns are rejected quickly in my crowd scans.  But neither do I want to be seen as old, especially right off the bat, so those hunched and dwindling slow movers are crossed out.

That leaves me searching for middle aged, short, mildly pear-shaped (or proportional), women. moving briskly and with good posture, to be my aspirational models.  Not so many, at least in this town. But Monday, driving in, I finally saw someone and I thought, "I'd be very happy to look like that!"  It was just a brief glimpse of a woman jogger with long gray hair in a pony tail, moving in the same direction as me. I caught just a glimpse of her face in the mirror as I went past.  That's what I want - strong and sure, moving with purpose. And without the huge hips I still have.

I've wanted to have a mental picture of myself as I would want to look for a long while. I've been spending a lot of time reading other folks' blogs, and I'm struck by how often some of these weight loss masters are photographing themselves. I don't like most pictures of myself, but I need to ground my sense of what I'd like to look like in the reality of what I actually look like now.  One of my favorite bloggers, Bitch Cakes, obsessively takes pictures of herself, including one in the Grand Central Station ladies' room every single day. Another, Fat Girl vs. World, posted some awesomely honest photos of herself pointing out where she needs improvements.  So here goes:

Trying to take a photo in the mirror with the iPhone. I got some practicing to do, to figure out how to do this better. But, I got several compliments yesterday and today as I work dresses to work instead of my normal slacks and T.

Here's the thought I want to end on tonight. It's a quote from Fat Girl vs. World:

I don't think I ever want someone to see the future, skinny, healthy me walking down the street and think anything other than "Holy crap, she really puts in a lot of thought and work into keeping herself healthy."  I don't want anyone to assume that my current, work-in-progress body is a result of me being anything less than diligent. 


(read the whole post here.)