Keeping the Intensity

My week was low energy, but last weekend and this weekend I've been trying to up the intensity and keep it going. Last week I ran intervals on the treadmill at the gym after my workout on Saturday, and then NordicTraked on Sunday morning.

The treadmill was terrific!  I had the iPod on, and I swapped between walking (about 3.4 mph) and jogging (at 5.5 mph).  I swapped between them based on my heartrate - when I got over 140, it was time to slow down. It was probably half and half overall.

I had a hard time going on the NT - I'm not sure why.  This used to be my favorite (actually only acceptable) aerobic machine. But I was slogging with the skis and just couldn't get a rhythm going.  I had the iPod plugged in on shuffle and kept hitting "skip" as songs came up. I was a good twenty minutes into it before finally I was moving easily, and my mind was free to wander instead of focusing on the effort to keep going. I got my time in, but it was never great.  I decided part of the difference was the treadmill motion - I had no choice but to keep going. With the NT, I had to motivate the motion, and adjust my speed. Just that much harder.

This morning was another great interval run on the treadmill. Both my walk and jog were faster - it just felt more natural to keep it going.  I ran for much more than half of the total time, and it took longer for the heart rate to get up high. I was truly invigorated after the session, and went off to the farmer's market filled with endorphins and smug self-satisfaction, which caused me to buy lots and lots of good fresh healthy foods.

Red Shoes

This morning the cumulative lack of sleep all week caught up with me. I went to my workout but it was a real bust. Everything was like walking uphill through sand.





But I put on mt red shoes this morning and everything seems better when strutting through the halls in high energy footware!

- iPhone uPdate

Bicycling

My little girl won't ride a bicycle!  (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, "won't" instead of "can't", but I'm really not certain.)

I love bicycling! When I was her age (who thought I'd ever say that phrase) my bike was my road to the world. I took off and took long trips all around town (Ann Arbor), miles farther than my mother knew I was going. I needed a map, because I knew nothing about how to get around. But I loved the freedom, the exploration, having a destination. The way I felt then about the bike is the way I have felt in turn about flying small planes, voyaging in sail boats, paddling in the kayak, even taking long urban hikes. I like the autonomy of not having a firm destination, being able to just wander, explore the byways, stop when I want, go home when I want. My little girl has never experienced that at all.

Her oldest brother did, I know for sure. The first summer the boys spent in Bellport they both learned to ride bikes and were up and out often. There was a cul de sac they could ride to, just two blocks away, and A. did constantly. He spoke of the freedom, and how on the bike he was flying. His horizons got a lot bigger from that.

The younger boy needs to feel useful. Not for him a useless trip around a circle. But Grandma needs something from the store in the village? He was the man for that. Hop on the bike, list in hand, pick up the bread or milk or cheese, tell the cashier to charge it to Grandma, and off back home with mission accomplished and a sense of purpose fulfilled.  He got a whiz-bang new bike for his birthday last year, and he and his friends quickly expanded their horizons, riding to a small amusement park nearby or to the zoo.

Through college and grad school years, the bike was my main form of longer distance transportation. I had fat tired used bikes from the police sale with saddle bags in back. Only when I was a young professional living in the Chicago suburbs did I get a bike with gears. The first time I rode my bike off the road and on a bike trail I was astounded at how much fun it could be, and it became a more regular form of exercise and recreation for me.  When I moved here to Maryland, I was entranced with the relatively flat and level bike trails along the streams (I have never enjoyed hills). I have a stream trail just a hundred yards from my house, nine miles in either direction and connecting to additional trails at either end. During the Big Loss of 1998, I generally rode my bike for hours on Sunday morning.

Sadly for me, when I got a new bike a couple of years ago and started back up again, the knees objected every time I went more than about five miles (and five miles is truly nothing on a bike). According to the knee doctor, I probably could build up my tolerance for riding with time on the stationary bike, enough to allow me to do more serious street riding. I haven't bothered to try because I find the stationary bike the most boring and least challenging aerobic machine I've been on.

But tonight I got out my bike to try to get my girl up on it, just to give it another try. She refused so we have more persuasion to do. I had to give the bike a whirl around the block after I pumped the tires, just to make sure it still worked. I liked it. I liked it a lot. So I'm going to be trying it again, perhaps around town for errands first before a long trail ride.

Our Frail Bodies

I'm exercising and losing weight so I can get out there and do stuff. Also, I don't want to be perceived as old, fat and feeble. Looking at people on the street, I see the slow and careful and hunched over movers, easily picked up far away as old.  I remind myself, "shoulders back, abs tight, walk tall, move briskly".

But there are no guarantees when dealing with mechanisms as complex and frail as our human bodies - especially ones that have been used heavily already. Obviously, big catastrophic accidents occur - a friend at work is dealing with the long term care of her physically and mentally injured significant other after a car crash -but smaller traumas, and just plain aches and pains and wearing out show up unexpectedly and often. Sometimes it doesn't take much to knock us off our planned course of virtuous diet and exercise.

A friend tripped playing tennis and hurt her knee and suddenly her summer is about knee surgery rather than going to the pool. Another friend fell on her bike and spent a couple of weeks gimping around with scrapes all over.  I tripped over my own feet in April and bent three fingers on my right hand back and it still hurts and I have lost grip strength and can't shake hands with firm shakers without wincing. I have to periodically flex the fingers after gripping the kayak paddle for a while, but it doesn't keep my from going.  I am terrified my knees will go from intermittent pain that can be avoided by careful mechanics, to become real barriers to moving. I keep an eye on my misshapen bunion inflicted foot, and I haven't worn heels in years.

The worst physical pain trauma I've been through was a bout of sciatica a few years back. For months, I couldn't bend in the middle comfortably. I couldn't sit still, I couldn't drive long distances, and sometimes the pain would wake me up in the middle of the night and drive me out to walk. I could almost always walk. But sometimes the pain was so intense all I could do was rock and whimper quietly to myself until serious medicine kicked in to make me goofy but relieved. The first day of 2004 I did not take any drugs was some day in June-over six months of pain meds every single day. This pain had me going through the endless back pain protocols: over the counter meds, physical therapy, X-rays, MRIs, stronger painkillers, acupuncture, traction, finally minor surgery. I don't know what worked, but finally something did. And the physical therapy led to my embracing exercise.

The sciatica never completely went away, it just got down to the level of an annoyance rather than the focal point of my life. I am not able to take ibuprophen any more (destroyed my stomach during this process) periodically get approved for one of the limited prescription alternative non-steriodal anti-inflammatories, which are all bad for your heart. I get to choose among bad things.

Lately, the pain seems to have morphed into a slightly different version of a muscle cramp when I leave a certain position. After I bend over, or twist to the right, the muscle on my right hip freezes up and cramps. I can't straighten up and I have to gasp for breath from the pain. I found a slow twist into the pain I can do that seem to free up the cramp. But when the pain strikes me, at first I am hunched and bent and can barely move - looking like the feeble old folks I'm doing my best not to become. I try to detach myself from the pain and analyze it- is it that I can't straighten up, or that it hurts too much to straighten up? It seems I can't, but I can't tell if that's become I cannot command my body to inflict more pain, or the nerve/muscle connection is truly not working and not allowing me to move a certain way.

Why can't I just feel good? Why does our warranty run out and parts stop working?

Alcohol Helps with Weight Loss! Hallelujah!

Got this link in a newsletter from my seventeen-year-old's extreme fitness gym (he started going there to learn parkour a couple of years ago, and it changed his exercise and eating habits).  I'm too tired to study it, but what I gleaned is some (moderate amounts of) alcohol helps lose weight because of some mumble mumble chemical reaction. Maybe I should never go back and read it thoroughly - just take the conclusion and run with it.

Update after re-reading:  Drink dry wines and spirits, straight or with seltzer or diet soda. Only consume protein and alcohol the day you drink - no sugar, few carbs, no or low fat.  There is a rationale. I'm not sure I care - this could work for me. I sense some rum in my future.

Upping the intensity

My "calories burned" each day is below where I'd like it to be.  If I'm going to continue to have some ice cream from time to time, I've got to burn more. I also really want to feel strong and competent.  I'm not sure I'll be able to add a lot more time to my exercise routines, so I'm going to try to add intensity.

Yesterday, after working out with my trainer, I got on the treadmill and did intervals, alternating between a walk and a run. You set up the speeds in advance, and then a single button flips between them. I've discovered the least comfortable speed for me is about four miles per hour - not fast enough to break into a jog, but way too fast to walk comfortably on my short little legs.  So I alternated between 3.4 mpg for the walk, and 4.5 mph for the jog. I had on the iPod and it made all the difference to be able to keep going. I was actually having fun, and I stopped because of time rather than exhaustion. I had all the electronics on - BodyBugg, iPod, and heart rate monitor. When jogging, the heart rate quickly went up to 140, and when it kept climbing I would switch to the walk until I was back down to about 120 beats per minute.

Last night, I did another long brisk walk around town - about four miles in about 80 minutes. Not so very brisk, I guess, but way better than sitting on the couch. While walking, I can listen to books instead of music, so I clocked off the miles with several chapters of a biography.

I was up and out this morning, up to check on my boat and then to go kayaking. I have a waterproof bag for the iPod, where it plugs in inside the bag, and then there is a port to plug in headphones outside the bag.  So for the first time, I was able to listen to music while paddling. I went about four miles, pretty much paddling non-stop, for just under 90 mintues. I'm convinced the music is what kept me going - previous paddles have tended to be "paddle paddle glide, paddle paddle glide...." where this one was just paddling steadily. I averaged 2.6 knots (top speed 3.5 knots) which is quite respectable.  My heartrate stayed around 100 - it really is hard to get the heart going with just my arms.

I won't be able to maintain this level of exertion - I could be taking a walk right now, for example, but I'm instead sacked out here on the couch. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I've got good food to take to work tomorrow, and dinner tomorrow planned. All this, just to blow through what appears to be my new set point (plateau) and get the needle moving back down.

Back to Logging Food

The only way to make any progress is to log my meals. I know I need to track every bite. And swallow, if its beer.  Started today. Knowing I'm going to have to do this will also motivate me to have good stuff around to eat. Starting out a weekend with good resolve.

It would be so-o-o-o easy to blow the whole thing. Making the struggle of the last six months meaningless, as was pointed out to me. I can't do that.  It's summer, and there is plenty of good fresh food stuff to plan food around. There is a farmer's market near my gym - I think that will be my second stop tomorrow. Don't even know what is in season - I've not been cooking much for the past couple of weeks.

A Million Weight Loss Blogs

"There is no happy ending to this tale. No ending at all."

From one of my current favorites, Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. Interesting comment from someone who is starting to think about maintenance, versus a big loss.

There also appears to be no end to the number of folks trying to lose weight and blogging about it. I'm not surprised; I often find myself riding the crest of the zeitgeist wave. Of course, like everything on the web, they are quite uneven in their quality. Some have a fairly pathetic tone. I rarely spend much time on those, and don't bookmark them. I go for the sassy and irreverent vibe. Besides Jack Sh*t, I also really like Fat Girl vs. World. Sad past, butt kicking present, limitless future.

I found links to bunches of these from the Home Page of my magic calorie counting device, when I browsed looking for tips, advice, some community feeling about what I am doing. I spent a whole evening spinning through the diet blogosphere, wondering and sometimes pitying what I found. But I'm not prepared to go get philosophical about our culture and weight. I'm clear in my mind why I am doing what I'm doing, and I'm doing it for me and no-one else.  But there is still common ground and fellow feeling to be had here in the web, and it supports me. And there is also here in the blog a degree of accountability and a requirement for honesty - my readers actually know me, and will know if what I say here isn't true.

I'm not logging my meals, and it is starting to show up on the scale that the calorie count is creeping up.  If I'm going to actually continue, I need to really bear down and blow through the new set point (otherwise known as plateau) I've achieved. It might mean a couple weeks of pure atkins - that should do it.  Can I really cut out ice cream and beer - never at the same time, but my summer craves? Do I want to? Shall I? For at least the next ten days?

See how I bargain - two weeks to ten days in the space of three sentences.  Let's see if anyone out there has inspiration for me.

Limits to Willpower

Donuts.

Carbs and me have a very rocky relationship. My big weight gain in my forties corresponded with the whole Jane Brody "carbs good, meat bad" thing. Coincidence? I think not. My Big Loss was very low carb and all the meat I wanted. (fine print: lots and lots of aerobic exercise). The problem with carbs is they make me crave more. I feel bad when I start the day with toast or cereal or a bagel. I feel bad all day, and I would eat everything in sight if no-one was watching. The kids made cinamon rolls a couple of days ago, and I turned down the offer. "They'll just make me crazy" I said. The only time I can deal with carbs is associated with significant protein, but even then it's helpful to have a portion control enforcer. (Thus no problem with ridiculously expensive eeny-weeny desserts in restaurants.)

So having finished at the gym already, I went down the street to the Whole Foods breakfast bar and had a small portion of a fancy omelet. Just right. But I'm sitting here at the lunch counter looking across the street at the new donut shoppe (their spelling) across the street. The kids like donuts. I have no problem with them having an occasional treat like this. I like to check out local businesses. Why don't I just go over there and pick up a couple?

Because I can't put myself in that situation, that's why. I might be able to toss a couple of treats into a full shopping cart without feeling left out, but I don't think I can go in and out of a shoppe and not need to add myself to the treat list. I certainly wouldn't have when I first saw the place and had the thought. Now, having publicly written about it, I could probably pull it off, but why? The kids don't need it and I don't need to prove anything more thus morning. I'll just move on to the rest of my day.


- iPhone uPdate

Archeology

I went down into my basement looking for some old papers, and I hit the jackpot!  I haven't looked through any of this stuff since long before I moved to this house - the boxes just moved intact. But I found the cache of stuff from the late eighties and early nineties - the decade plus I spent in Chicago - that I was looking for.  I have neat files of tax records, paid bills, checks and receipts. Then I found the Big Box o' Stuff, just all tossed in. It seems to have gone into the box as it accumulated, and so it came out in reverse order. I found Christmas cards, letters (remember letters?), newspaper clippings, records from my ancestors, a few photographs, New Yorker cartoons, certificates from work. There were several poignant moments, as I found things from loved ones that are gone from my life by various means. I found what I was looking for specifically.  But I also found artifacts commemorating my life as a dieter.

I found my records from my first foray into Weight Watchers, in late 1988 and early 1989. I found a "year of weight loss calendar" where there were helpful facts and places to write in your weight, your food, and your thoughts. I found more food diaries, and my first ever recipe for cabbage soup.  It was in purple "ditto" reproduction, a long lost and forgotten technology.

Man, I've been at this for a long time!  Some things have worked, and some things that used to work don't work any more. Some things that were easy are now hard, but some things that used to be hard are easier to handle. Life moves forward, and we change and evolve. The goal isn't even the same, not exactly. I don't care nearly so much about my weight as I do being fit now.  My idea of what is fit, and what is an acceptable weight, is different - I have higher fitness goals, and also higher (heavier) weight goals.  My relationship with food is different - I believe I know what to eat, and most of the time I manage to eat that.

I'm in the middle of listening to the Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography of Oprah, and I was also struck by the years of Oprah's struggle with the same issues. There was the liquid diet success followed by a quick rebound, and then there was "exercise is the key" success followed by a slower rebound.  She is roughly my age, and I bet the post-menopause slowdown in metabolism is responsible for the most recent rebound. I found inspiration in her book with her trainer, Bob Greene, Making the Connection.  I've commented to my personal trainer, "Oprah may have her own trainer that takes care of just her, but she still has to climb on the elliptical trainer and move it by herself. Nobody, and no money, can do it for her."  I don't think Kelley gives her enough credit for the work.  But it sure would be nice to have the personal chef around!

Looking at the history, twenty-two years ago my stated goal was about what I weighed in high school. I considered myself chubby in high school, by the way.  The weight that I started from at Weight Watchers in 1988 was about where I got to at the end of my Big Loss eleven years ago!  The first time I weighed about what I do now was twenty years ago, as the weight started to pile on and stay on for most of a decade. Middle age was setting in, and a rewarding career was not balanced by an inadequate life outside of work.  The Big Loss was facilitated by both a happy career change and an improvement in most aspects of the rest of my life.

The last time I weighed what I do now was two years ago, when I managed to maintain this weight steadily for about four months. It then shot up when I stopped thinking about it.  I would really like to blast through this floor I stuck at then, two years ago, and get back to the lower weight I was five years ago.

During the Big Loss, I read extensively about diet and exercise. I read source documents, original medical reports on weight loss studies, and a giant meta-analysis by the National Institutes of Health of as many reputable weight loss studies as they could find. From this, I learned that a very reasonable and achievable weight loss target, by any form of calorie restricted diet, is ten percent off your starting weight in six months.  Most people are really disappointed to hear this, but that's about what I've done in the last six months.  I think I'd really like to do another ten percent, and then see what I want to do after that.

We'll see. Each day really is different. The decades I just excavated were part of my life as a dieter, but really were the time of big gains in weight. I don't want my body to be like it was then, and I have the tools and motivation to keep that from happening.

Another Great Walk

I love when I take the time to walk!

Normally I work out on Saturdays, but my trainer was taking a long weekend, so I missed that beginning to my day. Then, I drove 200 miles (round trip) to drop off a kid at camp in the beautiful Virginia Blue Ridge. I stayed a couple of hours out there, touring a museum (Museum of the Shenandoah) and garden I had heard about. Nice, but not terribly strenuous. By then, time to get ready for the family dinner, with my ration of half a beer. That led to an hour on the couch, finishing a book.

I was finally having my late-evening resurgence of energy - and it wasn't even really late - just after eight, and still light out. So I put on the walking shoes and headed out the door.

I love walking at night, but I'm aware I'm a small woman, and I need to stay safe. I have an overly protective dog and a walk with my dog is all about being hyper-alert to the dog and our surroundings so she doesn't lunge at some passing bicyclist with unfortunate results. That means she doesn't come when I want to think about something other than her. I worked out the safe route as I went, and it all seemed fine.

There's a lot to look at during a walk. I live on the fall line where the piedmont meets the coastal plain. That means broken hilly terrain throughout. It's a close-in suburb, laid out just after the Civil War as a cool summer resort a full 250 feet higher in elevation than the core of the marshy sea-level District eight miles away. It's a mix of large authentic nineteenth century Victorians, smaller late nineteenth and earlier twentieth century bungalows and cottages, and mid-century post WWII ramblers and split-levels infilled between them. The broken terrain leads to unusual three dimensional lots with stonework engineering to create level spots for foundations and gardens. Large soul-less apartment buildings built in the fifties and sixties cluster along the road between me and the main street.  On hot summer nights, folks are out and about. I was ignored as I walk through the busy gathering place in front of the tiny brand-x convenience store and the unusual "chinese food subs and wings" takeout on the street in front of the apartments.

Memories and information create layers of meaning as I look around me. I cut up a street where I had considered buying a house when first I moved to the area. I always look at it and think about what might have been. I passed houses where the kids friends live, where I've been to pizza parties and potlucks. Walking along our funky Main Street on this summer holiday weekend, I heard a live band in someone's back yard rehearsing for a gig tomorrow. I passed two clowns, complete with wide fat blue ties, yellow pants, and red rubber noses, dragging suitcases and deep in conversation. I passed the ice cream store with a line not quite out the door and felt for the money I'd put in my pocket just in case, but kept on going. I passed the middle school where the fireworks will be tomorrow.  By then it was quite dark, and I could hear some neighboring communities had decided to do fireworks tonight instead of on the fourth.

The last stretch of my walk took me down the state highway to the bottom of my street. There are a couple of restaurants and some beer stores there; one of the restaurants just shut down after losing its liquor license for repeated violations. There are plenty of men hanging about there, and it was the least comfortable portion of my trip. My house is just a few blocks from the heart of the immigrant community, and I know there is a camp of men sleeping out in the park along the creek across the highway. Tonight, though, there are many parties up and down my street, people walking around, and I felt embraced by the neighborhood as I turned up the hill to go home.

So good to clear my mind and stretch my legs. Just over four miles, something more than an hour. Probably at least three hundred extra calories. Good for me.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I've still been mulling this over...  and I've heard from others this is a vital question.

My initial reaction was, "Of course I'll keep on going! I want to look good!".  I spent time going back over the posts I did at the beginning of this year's blog. All those reasons are still there, but are they still as compelling?

Where am I now? I am overweight. I am not obese, according to my BMI. I was obese when I started this diet at Christmas. So some of the biggest motivation is gone. Kim Bensen has a tag line, "Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard."  It's very true, but the worst of the being fat is behind me. I fit into normal size ranges. Squeezing into kayak cockpits is easier. I'm stronger and more flexible. Life is far from horrible at this time.  When I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes it looks almost OK.

But Susan Estrich has a whole chapter on this. The vignette she uses has stuck with me for years. She is off to brunch with her family, wearing her new size 12 shorts, looking good, feeling good. Thinking about the eggs benedict.  Thinking about rewarding herself for having gotten to this point. Then, it strikes her. All she has to do is keep on doing what she has been doing, and she will keep losing weight, on to the size six she set as the target.  (She was younger and smaller and travelling in Hollywood circles then, hence size six being normal.)  The point is, why not keep on going? Why not go all the way down from "overweight" to "absolutely fabulous"?

I've looked at a lot of people on the street, trying to decide what absolutely fabulous would be for me.  It's not size six - the distance between my un-padded hip bones probably makes that impossible. I'm not young, and I'm decidedly pear shaped. I don't carry my weight evenly at all. As I lost the first batch, it did come off from all over, but now, almost all of it has to come from my lower half.  For shirts and blazers, it's not likely I'll ever drop another size.  I could get another two sizes off my trousers - and I did, ten years ago with The Big Loss.  I've never wanted to be skinny, but compact and strong is where I'd like to be.

I'm absolutely committed to keeping up the exercise, and even trying to up it a notch. But I'm weary of logging all my food, but I'm equally wary of what will happen to my calorie intake without that technique.  Can I keep running totals and offsets in my head?  I think looking at the data in depth has helped keep me honest in the past six months.  I'm inclined to want to find a middle ground on the food.  And if I can up the calories burned - up the activity level - I can afford to relax a bit on the food.

Kim Bensen makes another point about the process. She was working with her husband recovering from a health crisis, and pointed out he had no guarantees for how successful he would be.  But it weight loss, over the long term, if calories burned are greater than calories consumed, the weight loss is absolutely guaranteed. It will happen. It's physics.  You can count on it.