What Was I Thinking?

Oooops. I had a major slip-up last night. Totally inappropriate and off-track. At least 900 calories worth.

Why? What was I thinking?  This is not a rhetorical question. The heart of cognitive therapy is to figure this out. Judith Beck has a list of seven questions to ask oneself, and recommends making a laminated index card to carry around for instant DIY therapy. Or to ask your diet buddy to keep the card and be the benign inquisitor.So here goes, benign inquisitor of mine.

See page 104: Beck's Cheat Sheet

• What was the situation, and what were my sabotaging thoughts?

I was watching TV with Clara. We had had a good, healthy dinner, where Clara learned to cook salmon for herself. I brought out dessert - some dark chocolate toffees from Trader Joe's. I knew when I bought them they were trouble - I've had problems restraining myself in the past. I was thinking the classic "But I've been so good!  These taste so good!".  I studied the label and did the math. A portion was 170 calories, and I could technically "afford" two whole portions within the calorie budget. But as far as food distribution groups go, I should really stop at one. So I did. For about five minutes. Then I ate the second portion.  Then another five minutes went by, with the box sitting in front of me while I watched TV. Then I picked up the box and with a guilty thrill, began to eat. I didn't stop until it was done.

The guilty thrill was my teenage self with a "What the Hell!". It was what I felt (more than thought) when I smoked or drank in my youth, or did other things I won't go into here. A thrill knowing it was forbidden and it was bad for me but I Just Didn't Care.  Not then. It was like closing my eyes and jumping off a bridge. And I liked the feeling.  I liked it when I was young, and I liked it last night.  How scary is it for me to figure this out when I now am responsible for teenagers?

• Did I eat this food slowly, while sitting down and enjoying every bite?

I ate it slowly at first, the first two portions. When I picked up the box, I was fairly committed to finishing it, and did not set the box down but kept going. I enjoyed each piece, the way it tasted, but I definitely did not enjoy the taste of the last pieces as much as the first.

• How do I feel now that I've given in?

Disappointed in myself. I was mildly uncomfortable in the stomach later, from all the sweets. I thought about it all night. I really wish I had done it differently. But I also remember the little thrill from the "what the hell" moment.

• Had I read my reasons for weight loss?

I had spent time on the overall commitment  and process but I had not specifically looked at the reasons lately. I'll re-read them now, as soon as this is posted.

• Did I try any other resistance techniques?

No.

• How can I avoid this situation in the future?

Clearly I won't be buying the high-temptation items from Trader Joe's for a while!  I seem to be doing reasonably well on portion control for other things - this is the worst slip-up since I started this process.  Some of this was probably bounce-back from having been so good. I was getting over-confident in my willpower alone to control things. I need to make sure I've got the physical structure around myself as well to help my willpower stay in touch.

Other things I should have done include not bringing the whole box with me and sitting down in front of the TV while I ate. If I had just brought my single portion out, and Clara's, there would have been another barrier, however small, to letting go.

• What can I say to myself next time?

I will need to remind myself why I am doing this. What do I care about more - this food or my better life? I will have to remind myself that the kids will take deeper lessons from what they see than what I say.  And I will have to look at my ways of distracting myself and rewarding myself. Perhaps I need some risk taking and thrills coming at me from elsewhere in my life. Maybe I need to close my eyes and (bungy) jump off a bridge from time to time. And think - how much more fun that will be if I am fit, flexible, and look good for the photos!