I started this post several days ago, and abandoned it after a while. It had nothing new to say about what to do with the fact I am fat. If I don't want to be fat, I should eat less and move more. Specifically, I should have better portion control at meals, eat more vegetables, and fewer sweets, especially at night. And if I was an Intuitive Eating success story, all of the above would come naturally. But while of course I'm not happy with how I look and feel, I am not willing to make a stringent commitment to do something about it. So I'm muddling along, making changes at the margin some days, other days, not so much.
I was going to delete the partial post below, but I think the emotion expressed is true, and I want to capture it, for myself.
I am fat. I weigh more than I have in 25 years, and it isn't all muscle. I am fat. My clothes do not fit well. My stomach gets in the way of certain exercises or stretches. These are facts, not feelings.
I don't like the way my body looks and feels. I am ambivalent about what and how I have been eating. These are feelings, not facts.
Fuck you, intuitive eating! You have screwed up how I think and feel and act around food. Before I read the book, I would have said I only needed to modify two main things in my diet: better portion control at every meal but especially at night, and better control of night time sweets. Now, I think I'm in much more disordered eating, because IE advocates eating whatever you want whenever you want. The subtlety of IE comes in the word "want" - getting that right - but I'm not sure I'm ever going to get there. And I'm also not willing right now to go back to the more structured eating I was doing before. So I'm stuck, and not happy about it. But it's all within my control. I just want to let go and not have to be in control. Ugh.
3 comments:
Hearing this. Saw pix at a party, not happy. Then took longish dog walk followed by lots of stairs doing chores - 3 days of left leg pain and sleeplessNess. Doctor says pain in leg secondary to injury which stems from lack of lower core strength. Muscle relaxants, continuing pain, PT, possible follow up for disc damage. Sheesh.
A small part of this is age and covid, most is weight. Pretty grimly determined now. With forced inactivity, I will gain more if I don’t watch what I eat.
Grrr.
Liz
Grrr, indeed! So sorry, and now you are on countdown! Feel better, take care of yourself! (From Nan, Google sign in screwed up)
Hmmm.....blogging honestly and separating facts from feelings. I hear you. I hear you. My therapist, God love him, will often say to me that’s a feeling! IDK, but I do learn a lot in that chair. IE sounds like a good idea but I never tried it. Probably wouldn’t work for me with lifelong sweet tooth, tho I did not read the book. Will write back soon to letter post. hug.
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