Emotions in the Body

My mother died Wednesday, unexpectedly but peacefully. She was 92 and had a life well lived. This post is not about her, but about me.

I have been working to get out of my chronic pain syndromes, and one of the key tenents of the approach I use is that much of the pain I have been experiencing is driven by suppressed emotions manifesting as body sensations. There is much more, about how things start up that way and then become habits, and how we talk to ourselves inside about it has profound implications for how we feel, and more. But one of the keys to getting out of these patterns is to allow myself to feel and express emotions safely.

In my mindfulness practice, this is also key. As we become centered and mindful, we observe the emotions and feelings and investigate them with kindness and curiosity. Observing our body and our thoughts and feelings, while not trying to suppress them, is part of the practice. The "body scan" is a specific mindfulness practice I've been focusing on all year. I've been getting much more aware of my physical self through both the practice and fitness, so I don't just think "I feel bad" but pause and investigate - my head hurts, over my eye, and my lower back is tight. I can breathe into my headache for a while, and then stretch and move for my back. It works. Mostly.

I find myself often waking around 4 am, with a strong feeling of anxiety. (This is new, in the past few months.) When that happens, I breathe, and feel the anxiety, investigate it. It manifests itself in the center of my chest, a tightness and a tension, and with tightening of many of my muscles. I consciously relax my body, feel my breath, and allow thoughts to drift across my consciousness. Is there anything to be anxious about? What is coming up, what happened recently? How is my chest now? Am I still relaxed in my hands and legs? With luck, I drift back to sleep and wake the next morning with no issues.

I have had a lot of anxiety around dealing with my mother. She has been on a rapid physical and mental decline and I found it painful. Literally. On days I was planning to see her I was likely to get a headache, or my sciatica would flare up, or I was extraordinarily fatigues. I procrastinated and avoided the visits. On days I worked myself into such a state I could call and say I wasn't going to come, the relief was a physical sensation, with a release of tension throughout the body. Since I retired, I tried to go see her at least twice a week (it was a 2-3 hour commitment each time) and I regret each time I didn't go. When I was actually with her, things were fine. She was cheerful, I dealt with practical matters such as finances and medicines, we chatted about the family and friends. It was all the anticipation that did me in.

I resorted to cheap tricks to get over the hump to go see her. I would treat myself to shopping at stores near her place, Target and PetSmart and Home Depot. Lately, I literally sweetened the pot by stopping by the best ever frozen yogurt place on the way home, SweetFrog. I would get a small cup of "original tart" with chocolate chips and be satisfied. The last time I saw my mother, last Monday, I took a different route deliberately as part of sugar decrease I'm working on. The raging in my body and my interior dialogue with high drama about this was amazing (I was working on a blog post about just that when things changed). I ended up stopping at the grocery store for ice cream, because I knew the "should I? no I shouldn't!" was going to continue all night if I didn't. Avoiding feelings of being deprived is a real thing. But when I got home with the ice cream, I popped it in the freezer and didn't touch it, thinking "I can have some tomorrow". The tension and the interior drama were done.

I realized this was an unhealthy approach, a short-cut to dealing with the underlying feelings that made this so hard. I needed to find the joy in visiting her for herself, not for unrelated payoffs. I was doing some expressive writing on the topic. And then, I got the call, and it was (as we used to say in my office) O.B.E.: Overtaken By Events. No longer needed.

Grief is manifesting itself physically in multiple ways. I'm working on allowing myself time to just feel, not to go get busy with the next task and next chore. I find my appetite diminished, slight nausea just around the corner. At the same time, the body is jonesing for bland comfort carb-laden foods - chicken noodle soup, bread and butter, I made pumpkin bread from a mix and scarfed almost half a loaf. I ate the previously purchased ice cream in lieu of actual dinner one night. Grief moves from the stomach to the throat and eyes sometimes when I let it. Sadness and regrets weigh me down like an extra forty pounds. Seeing and talking to friends and family about my mother is so very important, vitally sustaining, and yet fatigues my mind and body like nothing else.

I finally got back out there this morning to do my postponed scheduled run for the 5K training program I'm on, and spent time in the basement gym. This is very helpful at releasing the tension, oddly gives more energy than it uses, and is strongly an element of showing myself I am going to take care of myself. I'm going to go ahead and purchase prepared healthy foods so they are ready to eat when I can and when I feel like it, since the next few days will be busy and I won't be cooking. I hope to not be driven to junk foods that don't sit well.

I'll be fine, the family will be fine, we will always miss my mother. But I want to be sure to use the skills I have to take care of myself as I move through this special time.