Insights

This weekend has been a roller coaster and I've detected - and maybe modified - some old patterns of mine. I want to capture this before it is lost to the day-to-day busyness and noise.

I've known for a long time this: When the going gets tough, Nan gets sick. The fact there is a mind-body connection, and that bad things manifest themselves in my body, is not news. No point in recapping that history here. What I have learned, and repeated more than once, is that I can be great in a crisis. I rise to the occasion, I step up, I take responsibility, and I help. But eventually, I'll collapse. The toll comes due and carries interest as well.

However, observing this and changing it are two different things. I've learned some self-care techniques, from exercise to meditation and (always) eating well. These things help, and can pull the worst of the reaction down, once I recognize it. Not yet can I avoid it.

But here's an additional insight I got this weekend: Sometimes, the trouble and the crisis I'm trying to fix are not mine.  Apparently, I don't have enough trouble of my own, so I have to borrow it from others. Hearing of trauma from others hurts me. Literally. This is tied to the difference between sympathy and empathy, but that is a complicated discussion I'm not going to dive into now.

The issue for me (and this recent insight) is not that I can be empathic (I feel others' situation as if it were my own) but that I have a Joan of Arc complex about it, thinking it's then up to me to fix it. Not everything can be fixed, and it's not always mine to fix. I don't have to be responsible for everything.

The government shutdown has been a slow-boiling crisis for me. The first day or two were frantic, pushing buttons and lining things up, then empty echoing halls as everything poked along on inertia. But as time went on, you will have seen in the news that not all was well in our national aviation system. For me personally, money started to take on a new importance. 

Being St. Joan has worked out well for me at work. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if I didn't borrow trouble and try to fix it. I've been working hard, using all my skills, and in a rage that absolutely none of this effort would be necessary if ... [no point in recapping].  Friday was the boiling point. St. Joan was asked to step up into a major role. Then, mid afternoon, relief! (BTW, a text from Liz was the first clue of the end.) 

So on the down side of adrenaline, late Friday night came a knock on the door. An acquaintance, friendly but not a close friend, my long-time dog walker, told me her dog was missing. Aggie is the twin of my Rocky, a chocolate lab. She was asking for help getting the word out electronically to our neighborhood email group. Of course I did that. It was too cold and dark to be able to go out searching myself, but I begged her to keep me in the loop so I'd know whether to go out in the morning.

So I slept badly, rather than contented from the end of the shutdown. I woke up sluggish and in pain all over. I had planned a productive weekend, but I was derailed. Aggie was still missing, and I broadened the electronic search, shared all my other ideas for where to call and what to do, and thought about going out searching. But I didn't want to. I had my own stuff to do. I was in too much pain to move much. The weather was crappy (not that crappy). I didn't want to go look. And, it's looking for a needle in a haystack, even with my own dog as bait, especially after so many hours. I was overwhelmed with the impossibility of the task. So I decided not to go out, but my body was freaking out. This is the guilt that comes from feeling its my job to fix everything even though I can't.

I meditated, and re-visited a lesson in my cognitive training program about boundaries. I did another guided meditation. I posted in my cognitive training group, presenting a rough outline of the dilemma and asking for help. I got out of my chair, and started slowly on a chore that was at the bottom of my to-do list, but still was something. (Note: procrastination strategy of using work as an excuse for not working.)  In my group, I got a lot of affirmation about how people like us (we share a lot of characteristics) borrow trouble all the time and don't have to fix everything. And I got a specific useful yardstick: what would you expect someone else to do for you? Little bit of golden rule popping up, allowing boundaries to form and giving myself position to not always be St. Joan.

Good news!  Aggie was found, and it was from one of my messages that she was reunited with her family! So, St. Joan came through, which is maybe a mixed bit of feedback to me.

So, have I learned about how to cope with being overwhelmed? How to minimize my physical manifestation of being overwhelmed? No, though there is progress. And I think I've really gained an insight on the borrowing trouble front. I'm feeling better today, and will continue to work on these things.