Anticipation and Trepidation

I've been taking a class, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.  Pretty much, it's a class in meditation, specifically mindfulness-based meditation, which is one thread of many. I've been meaning to write about it but one side effect of doing the meditation is going quiet. Also taking time to do the meditation, which eats at other time.

The past year has been very stressful for me. I'm in a much happier place at work and with the kids, so now I'm more down to "normal" stress, I guess. But I signed up for the class in the midst of desperation, and decided it was important to develop and practice specific skills that will help as life continues to appear in its full catastrophe.

At first, I loved the formal practice, because it allowed me to go quiet. It gives me techniques to chase the constant rumination, the constant planning, the constant busy-ness of my mind. In fact, I had problems with falling asleep during it!  But as I practiced more, now the underlying emotions come through. I had one experience while meditating where a whole set of feelings I didn't know were there came crashing through like a freight train. The aftermath left me shaken and frankly scared off from the practice. At the very least, I realized I'm playing with powerful forces and shouldn't allow myself to go deep at, for example, lunchtime in my office. So I'm back to it, but cautiously.  We also use movement-based mindfulness, which is easier to sneak in at the office - more of just a stillness that fills me, less of allowing other things to come through as the focus on the movement itself fills every corner.

Today, however, is a big day for the class. I'm off in a few minutes for a seven-hour silent retreat with the class. Yikes! What might happen? I want to totally be there, but there is a lot of trepidation about what might come up.

I am the skeptic, the analyst, the person with always one eye open, checking for the man behind the curtain, how the trick is done. This stuff doesn't seem to have tricks, but it seems to be really effective. We'll see if this is seven hours of boring calm (with perhaps an inadvertent nap) or a life-changing experience.