Anticipation and Trepidation

I've been taking a class, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.  Pretty much, it's a class in meditation, specifically mindfulness-based meditation, which is one thread of many. I've been meaning to write about it but one side effect of doing the meditation is going quiet. Also taking time to do the meditation, which eats at other time.

The past year has been very stressful for me. I'm in a much happier place at work and with the kids, so now I'm more down to "normal" stress, I guess. But I signed up for the class in the midst of desperation, and decided it was important to develop and practice specific skills that will help as life continues to appear in its full catastrophe.

At first, I loved the formal practice, because it allowed me to go quiet. It gives me techniques to chase the constant rumination, the constant planning, the constant busy-ness of my mind. In fact, I had problems with falling asleep during it!  But as I practiced more, now the underlying emotions come through. I had one experience while meditating where a whole set of feelings I didn't know were there came crashing through like a freight train. The aftermath left me shaken and frankly scared off from the practice. At the very least, I realized I'm playing with powerful forces and shouldn't allow myself to go deep at, for example, lunchtime in my office. So I'm back to it, but cautiously.  We also use movement-based mindfulness, which is easier to sneak in at the office - more of just a stillness that fills me, less of allowing other things to come through as the focus on the movement itself fills every corner.

Today, however, is a big day for the class. I'm off in a few minutes for a seven-hour silent retreat with the class. Yikes! What might happen? I want to totally be there, but there is a lot of trepidation about what might come up.

I am the skeptic, the analyst, the person with always one eye open, checking for the man behind the curtain, how the trick is done. This stuff doesn't seem to have tricks, but it seems to be really effective. We'll see if this is seven hours of boring calm (with perhaps an inadvertent nap) or a life-changing experience.

Can I Rein It In?

Such a confident post a week ago. "I know what to do, now I just have to do it!"  But now we are in the eating season. This time of year is fraught with issues, all conspiring to whisper, "Go ahead, eat it".

The forces are aligned on this. First, the holidays for the next two months are about eating. From Halloween candy, three family birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, how can we not cook and eat together? Of course we will, this is part of what brings us together. Then there are all the other social occasions that ride alongside the major holidays. All get-togethers include food. Then there is the change of the seasons. The days are getting shorter, and with that comes a biological imperative to hunker down, build a layer of fat, and stop burning unnecessary calories because the body expects to be starving by spring. It's not so nice to go outside even in the scarce daylight, as it gets colder and grayer. Lastly, this time of year is fraught with emotional significance. If I'm sad, how about comforting me with apples? That is, apples baked with butter and brown sugar, served over cake with ice cream.

In this century, not once have I lost weight between Halloween and Christmas. Au contraire, my friends, I've usually decided the thing to do is maintain, and ended up in a gain. Faced with all these stark facts, what will I do?

This past week was not according to plan, though I don't regret everything. I had a small amount of Halloween candy (a waste), birthday cake (also unnecessary), and beer and fajitas (simply marvellous). The results are that today is 2 1/2 pounds higher than a week ago. But I spent way less time in the last week than previous ones planning for my eating and preparing food that I think I should eat. I also spent a lot more time sitting on my ass versus moving. Now, I have nothing prepared for the coming week, and I have a limited window to go get focused exercise before the press of the day overtakes me.

I think I have very flawed sense -  if I go off-plan, I shrug and go more off-plan.  Based on my reaction to the food I ate last week (some was worth it, some not) I think I should focus on specific events I will eat differently without going crazy, and try very hard to maintain the 100% on-plan when not at one of those events. I don't want to erode the discipline all over, but I do have to plan for some easy social encounters, where I should just go with what is available.

Tied to this planning and thinking is the clear understanding that it really is what I eat even more than how much that drives both the rest of my eating and whether my body will lose weight.  Four pieces of Halloween candy screw me up. No, it's not so very many calories, but it drives my blood sugar crazy. And it erodes the clear boundaries, and puts me in the territory of making decisions in moment - so very much harder than simply following rules. "I don't eat that" is easier than "how much can I eat".  So stay off the nibbling around the edges. Period.  Plan and prepare. Make rules and follow them.

How about the energy / moving side of the equation? What can I do about that? I don't know, except maybe right now I'll sign off and go move. No vows, no big declarations. Just move now, and see if I can keep moving over the next couple of months.

**Bounce**

There I go, off the rubber floor. Halloween candy, birthday cake, surely those special things don't count?




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