Tracking my eating in detail is useful; being brutally honest about what I've consumed is essential. But it can't stop me from consciously choosing to eat destructively.
It happened again last night. What am I thinking when I do this? My recollection is feeling reckless, almost giddy, the way I imagine an alcoholic must feel. I want this, I deserve this, no, rationally I know I don't deserve it, I just want it and I don't care. I am going to eat this because I want it and I shouldn't have it. I am just going to press the accelerator to the floor, head for the cliff and not worry about what comes next. I am choosing to subvert my future. It's why I do it. I don't want to be careful. I want to close my eyes and jump.
Yikes! I suppose I should be glad my self destructive urges happen in thousand-calorie gobblings of minimally harmful substances, rather than something more drastic with actual severe long term consequences. But it sure would be nice if my need to fling myself overboard manifested itself in running till I dropped instead. It is the same mindless suppression of self I'm aiming for.
What can I do when I get like this? I could try to get physical - put the dog on the leash and head outside (not likely in the cold and dark) or go to the treadmill in the basement. I could turn on really loud music and dance (if only I could dance). I could just go to bed. When wound up like last night, though, I'm less likely to go under as soon as my head hits the pillow. Maybe I could try writing, try to capture what I'm feeling and probe beneath the urge.
I'm not sure any of these approaches are viable, since almost by definition when I do this I am physically fatigued and emotionally drained, with very little reserves left. My reading on willpower indicates a tough week has used up physical reserves and low blood sugar makes it even harder to make rational choices - my body knows it needs sugar to be mentally and emotionally sound again. That would help explain my self-destructive weapon of choice.
It doesn't take a thousand calories to restore those reserves, but once I began eating last night, putting on the brakes seemed unimaginable. I put my food in a bowl in a feeble if valiant attempt to slow the onslaught, but four times I went back and re-filled the bowl. I remember even thinking, "I don't really want this but I'm going to do it" as I walked to the kitchen, filled with wicked glee (not full enough, apparently) and appalled at myself at the same time. I did stop before the bag was empty, unusually, realizing eating more would likely make me actually sick.
This morning, the magic food logging app on the iphone took a shot of the bar code and I added up the damages. The sight of more than a thousand calories shocked me - if asked, I would have estimated half that, though I didn't even look last night. So that's another technique I could try - log it before I start, so as the refills add up I've got the actual data starkly in front of myself. This magic app every day estimates the impact of a day like I just finished on my future weight - if every day were like yesterday, in five weeks I would weight 10 pounds more than I did yesterday. Oh my.
2 comments:
Not sure I have anything concrete to help here. I think pre-tracking sounds possibly effective. These bouts acually don't happen that often to me, I go for the steady-eddy and insidious upping of calories over a long stretch that I only sort of half realize is happening weeks after my scale tells me. But, that's not to say I haven't had a few of what I call these moments/evenings, etc. of "rebellious eating." they are very chaotic and tumultous and...willful. I wonder, if they don't happen often for you, if you just chalk it up to a "feast" moment of sorts and compensate with some lighter days and not sweat it too much. That could be my new experimentation with intuitive eating talking. Clearly, if they are a too-regular happening you have to do something. but once in a while... Maybe chalk it up to an extra Thanksgiving dinner? Just a thought.
Sadly, not an isolated incident. Some bad choices in my recent past. Alice nailed it: "unemotional eating".
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