Blursday

 I read the term “Blursday” in The NY Times, I think. I don’t remember the whole article, but the term struck me as just exactly right. This is the time period in which I am living. There is little to distinguish the days, except if I zoom in and grab it, write it down for posterity.

I try various things to track my days, to try to pin down where my time goes. This is so hard: I can’t really remember. I went grocery shopping, was that Thursday or Friday? When did I last go through my mail and pay all the bills? Don’t I have some deadline coming up on one of the few things I am actually responsible for? When last did I speak to someone? To my family?

It’s so easy to just drift. I am doing things, sure enough. I’m working in the garden, I’m walking, reading books, laundry piles up and then gets done. I’m pretty much on an island most days, but things are getting done.

I’m keeping a log of when I do what in the garden, when I remember to do it. I started this after I planted some grass seeds, and then after a period of time, they came up. How long was that after planting? Because I was planting more seeds, I really wanted to know how long to wait before declaring failure. (Because my mind always assumes a catastrophic failure, but that’s a discussion for another time.) I had to go back and look at my pictures, and read the date taken, to be able to figure that out. Hooray for taking the pictures at the right time!

I’ve taken to actually keeping a calendar to see where my time goes. There is little on the calendar to begin with, but I go back, not every day, but every couple-few days, and try to reconstruct what I did. I don’t have goals here, just curiosity. But I do want to minimize the aimless puttering, the aimless TV (as opposed to purposeful TV!), and the aimless iPad surfing. It bothers me when I have hours accounted for. I want my time to count for something, even if it’s just growing my mind. 

So I look for clues, in the electronic signatures I leave around various places. My fitbit tells me when I woke up and went to bed, and by the number of steps I can often figure out when I did various physical tasks. My phone knows where I am in space, sort of (it’s buggy) and so I can use that to verify what day I went to the Giant supermarket. The iPad tracks screen time, even down to which app I am using, so I fill in details with that. Reading books or watching TV have no electronic signature, except when I finish a book (if it’s on the kindle and I have it connected), or what I can deduce from lack of activity tracked by the fitbit.

Why does this matter? No idea. But I’m doing it, at least for now.

Planning, Tracking, and Hunger

"Hunger is NEVER an emergency".

 I first heard that phrase many years ago. At the time, it was the fashion to suggest that many small meals was the "best" way to diet, and that it was important to avoid ever becoming actually hungry, because that would lead to raging hormones that would make a person lose all control. The implication was we are all victims of our biology, and, like the Incredible Hulk, we could not be held accountable for what we did when we were in a berserker mood.  

The context for my first contemplation of hunger as merely a normal expression of impulses (rather than an emergency) was a diet book based on cognitive-behavior therapy approaches, which I read years ago. The idea is to examine thoughts, and change them consciously if they are not serving you well. Clearly, the facts about hunger are that we can live for weeks without food - so for us in America, missing a meal time is not an actual emergency (except for some people with diabetes or other medical conditions). So if we get hungry at an inappropriate or inconvenient time, we can remind ourselves we will survive, and to be patient until it is convenient to eat. It was a liberating thought, and I've used it fairly often to skip snacks or reaching for crap rather than good food.

This approach is very compatible with the coaching group I am currently participating in. The emphasis in my group is to plan and track food, and to be very aware of hunger. We are taught to analyze what we feel in our body, to feel what hunger feels like, what satisfied feels like, and to only eat when we are hungry and to stop when we are full. I'm pretty sure I've got the first notion - what hunger feels like - down pat, but stopping when full is still very difficult for me. One tidbit that caused a lightbulb to go off for me was the notion that how much food it takes to be full does not change based on how hungry I am. A portion is still a portion. 

This came into play for me today. I experimented a while back with "intermittent fasting", a fad that suggests only eating during an eight- or ten-hour window each day has weight loss benefits greater than simply a calorie reduction from less opportunity to eat. I abandoned thinking of this as a useful thing, but overall it has made me more receptive to skipping breakfast. Because I have so much more energy in the morning, and because it often gets oppressively hot in the afternoons, I jump out the door to start my day without having eaten anything first. I have my coffee, and I drink lots of water, but nothing to eat until later.

I was especially conscious of how I was feeling this week, because last week I felt better in every possible way than I have in months. No headaches, no generalized malaise or fatigue, more energy than is my norm. I wish I had taken the time to write about this at the time, because it would be useful to remember better. As my body reverted back this week towards what is sadly my normal baseline, (with a full-blown migraine to mark the transition) I tried to stay tuned in to how my body was behaving.

I got engaged in projects of some sort every morning this week, finally breaking my fast between 11:00 am and 1:30 pm. I found it difficult to stop what I was doing, because my experience has been once I do, I am likely done with productive work for the day. If it's gardening I've been doing, like today, I have to shower as soon as I come inside, to try to ward off the always-present but not always observed poison ivy, which further delays when I finally eat. The day I didn't eat until well after noon was a problem. Hunger had moved from an annoying feeling of stomach growling to a hollow feeling in my chest, and finally a headache. I recognized the headache - not a migraine, but hunger. I eventually ate (very quick salad with just lettuce, meat, and bottled dressing), but for the rest of the day I was feeling the need to "catch up". Let's just say unplanned carbs happened. My coaching group would not allow that - food doesn't just leap into my mouth - at some point, I chose to put it there. My salad, and tylenol, eliminated the headache, but I had strong urges to eat for the rest of the day and I did.

Eating around 11 am, as I did today, seems to work much better for me. I'll be having another meal by 3 or 4 pm, and later I'll have to deal with my evening drive towards sweets- a constant issue, no matter how much I've eaten earlier.

I still think hunger is not an emergency. I don't have to eat. I've got reserves to last me weeks, comes the apocalypse. But my experience this week suggests letting myself get too hungry means I have to exercise a great deal of control to avoid overeating in an over-reaction. It would be more sensible to avoid putting myself into that position in the first place.

(This post was inspired by other's posts about hunger.)

Summer Report Card

Here is the July and August updates to the report card. I feel better about this than I did in June. Remember, more green is better, and we want more red in the 2019 column than the 2020 - the red indicates the worse average.

First, Activity:

	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug		2020	2019
Avg Calories Exp	1,847	1,959	1,839	1,799	1,894	1,837	1,872	1,849		1,862	1,930
Days >2,000 cal	8	10	6	7	12	5	4	4		7	10
Avg Daily Steps	8,050	8,950	6,706	6,934	7,808	8,217	9,132	8,023		7,978	8,811
Days <5 span="" steps="">	9	6	8	8	7	6	7	4		7	3
Miles Biked	-	-	-	-	-	-	-	-		-	1
Miles Walked	25	22	14	21	13	29	54	31		26	23
Miles Run	-	-	-	3	-	-	-	-		0	4
Workout Days	13	10	5	1	9	2	3	4		6	11

I was a champion walker in July, enough to bring up the yearly average to beat last year. But, now I've reverted back to a more "normal" number of miles, but this is still a focus. If I can't do anything else, at least I can walk. And sometimes in July, that is all I did for the day. The number tracked here is "intentional" walking - go out the door for a walk and track it - as opposed to steps that just happen as I go about whatever is happening in my day. Steps overall are up, which is a good thing. I still need to consciously work out, body weight and with weights. I know I've lost strength.

Weight, and food tracking:

	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug		2020	2019
End Weight (trend)	167	167	165	165	165	164	163	163		164	167
Days Food  Tracked	27	16	19	11	25	25	23	18		21	4

This is one area where I am doing better than last year, because it is something I'm focused on. I am not just tracking after the fact, but planning out what to eat in advance for the day. (This also helps to reduce waste, as I pay attention to what I have already in the fridge.) Mostly, I'm just paying attention to whether I am truly hungry or not. Because I have the privilege of nearly totally setting my own schedule, I can eat whenever and whatever I want. I do not eat anything I don't like, and mostly try to only eat things I really really like, not just "ok". I try to be careful on portion sizes I dish out, because stopping before the plate is clean is very very difficult for me. Truly, I am shocked at how little it takes to fill me up if I slow down and eat mindfully. I am eating sweets I like every day, sometimes more than I planned. If I were able to cut back on the indulgence to more reasonable amounts, the weight would come off faster.

How's my head been?

	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug		2020	2019
# Min Meditate	215	155	144	135	120	117	213	138		155	222
# Times Meditate	14	18	15	9	12	14	26	31		17	21
Migraine Hours	22	38	28	35	29	3	44	15		27	14
Sleep Hours	7.8	7.5	7.7	7.7	7.6	7.4	7.3	7.3		7.5	7.2
Resting Heart Rate	61	61	61	61	60	60	60	59		60	62

This is mixed. I'm meditating more now than at the beginning of the year, partly because both my therapy and my mindful eating lend themselves to that. I'm also doing a lot more informal checking into my body. Migraines aren't great, and probably somewhat related, my sleep isn't great either. I'm still sleeping more than last year, and I've come to realize how sleep deprived I was when I was working. My resting heart rate is down, which is good. Fitbit reports most people who stay at home for covid have had their resting heart rate go down, which is not expected as exercise and fitness is supposed to be the driver of lower heart rates.

How about things I do for fun?

	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug		2020	2019
# Books Read	8	9	14	19	14	14	20	13		14	6
# Blog Posts	4	5	12	9	13	10	8	3		8	6
# Trips downtown	0	1	1	0	0	0	2	1		1	2
# Days Boat	1	0	1	0	2	2	3	2		1	2

I am a reading fool this year! I slowed down on the blogging (trying to get back to it). Obviously, I didn't go downtown for a few months - those trips I show recently were either ferrying one of the kids between here and middle boy's apartment, or else a dawn solo walk. Sailing is a bright spot - while we are not doing any overnight trips this year, we are regularly getting out, at least ever other weekend.

Lastly, money.

	Jan	Feb	Mar	Apr	May	Jun	Jul	Aug		2020	2019
Total Food Spend	$   487	$   513	$   806	$   721	$   667	$   474	$   571	$   669		$   614	$   872
Groceries Spend	$   380	$   358	$   646	$   476	$   610	$   386	$   509	$   424		$   474	$   611
Clothes Spend	$      -	$   364	$   181	$      -	$   301	$   214	$   132	$     42		$   154	$   178

I still spend a ridiculous amount of money on food and groceries for a person alone (hello, Whole Paycheck!). I'd blame some of it on stockpiling. I still have reserves - after six months, it's time to look at expiration dates and eat the stuff that won't keep forever. At least I'm spending less than last year. And, as my weight has gone down slightly, I haven't felt quite as much need to buy new clothes that fit my fatter size. How many pairs of yoga pants can a person have? You might be surprised. I haven't focused on other budget line items too much, but if I want to feel really good, I might have to look at how little I'm spending on gasoline!

In the words of my girl, I'm pretty sure no one really cares about these numbers like I do, but it gives me a sense of accountability to not only track this, but also post it. I think the formatting will not look great on other computers, but I spent more than I planned fiddling with this, and I'm done for now.