What I'm Eating

Time for a look at what I'm actually eating (as opposed to what I think I'm eating or what I want to eat).

First, to set the parameters, I'm not actually cooking. More on that later.
Second, I am still geared towards trying to eat more green vegetables, ideally some at every meal, but I don't always get there.
Third, my vegan girl has influenced me to the extent I'm reducing my carbon footprint by cutting out beef. I'm not religious about it because my motivation is relative carbon load, not ethics or morals (see: consuming just the cabbage from corned-beef-and-cabbage). But I looked at the data, and so I am somewhat sadly making choices other than beef when I can. (I would eat beef without remorse or comment if served to me at someone's house, for example.)
Fourth, I am much more open to carby plants, like sweet potatoes and beans, than I used to be. They figure nicely in dinners and some lunches.
Fifth, I eat some chocolate almost every day. Often, more than I wish I was eating.
And last, I rarely (though sometimes) make a choice that involves white flour or indeed, most bread or pasta.

What does "not cooking" mean? Well, the big thing is I have a dinner delivery service sending me four entrees a week. It's convenient, it's good, it's relatively healthy, and it's not insanely expensive.  (The promo was $7.50 per entree, now its $12 per entree. And zero waste.) I know that for most of my working life I have not cooked during the week. (Big exception when I suddenly had children to cook for. Regular dinner ended a couple of years ago.) I have often cooked big on weekends and heated leftovers, but right now I've decided to spend my weekends other ways.

I do try to make a vegetable-laden breakfast, suitable for reheating during the week, on Sundays because it's really hard to find ways of getting green veggies in any quantity when buying breakfast out. So if my stove gets turned on once a week, it's for breakfast. My backup is veggie omelet and fruit from work.

I started in January buying all my lunches out (to support the small businesses suffering during the government shutdown) and I'm continuing now. Pre-nostalgia: I won't have such easy access to lovely food trucks in a couple of months, I should take advantage while I can. But recent ventures to arepas or ramen has reminded me I really can't eat a carby lunch and expect to be awake and productive in the afternoon. Food trucks are not big on salads, though a couple of the permanent lunch places within a couple of blocks have some good options. There is a pay-by-the-weight place I frequent, where my usual is one or two grilled chicken thighs, greek salad, and a dollop of an artichoke-and-avocado salad that is really tasty and keeps me coming back. There is also a bimibap place, where I can get a base of lettuce instead of rice or noodles. I usually spend from $8-$12 dollars on lunch.

The past few weeks, the breakfasts I make on Sundays are barely cooking: I saute an onion, toss in conveniently pre-riced broccoli, then stir in eggs and maybe some cheese, let it set and call it a frittatta.  It heats nicely for the week.

My go-to afternoon snack is banana chips, salty and oily and just a tad sweet. I don't know this is so healthy, and I may try to get back to nuts, which I'm off these days for some reason. There is less junk food around the office these days, but when it's there, I am vulnerable in the late afternoons.

It's the evenings that are always a problem. I eat chocolate, and still mostly much more than I wanted to. Sometimes, chocolate isn't going to do it, and instead I make something quick and carby, like toast some naan from the freezer.

Why do I have in the house food that I will overeat? Because I want it. I don't want to deprive myself of it entirely. Still experiencing significant body pains, in the evenings I crave what my friend Alice calls TCOY (take care of yourself), and chocolate does it. I've eaten down almost all the chocolate I had stashed, and just bought another package of Dove Dark squares, which are my favorite thing. I am piling up the individual wrappers each night, to recount in the morning and give myself some accountability.

I'm also trying lessons from my mindful eating forays: trying to decide if I really want it. This first part doesn't work well when my resistance is low, late afternoons and late evenings. I am defiantly mindless - I'm going to eat this no matter how I feel because it will taste good in my mouth. Then, really trying to feel deeply how I feel afterwards. My mindfulness (and associated work with pain in my body) has me much more tuned to how my body really is feeling. All of my reading on how mindful eating leads to magic and effortless weight loss depends on experiencing a feeling of disenchantment with the sweets afterwards. Really feeling it, and then being able to use that experience to turn away when a craving pops up. What I have discovered is, rarely has my stuffing myself with chocolate gone so far that I feel bad in my body (versus conscience) for having consumed it. Sometimes it does, and I am trying to truly feel it. But, my body tolerates and enjoys quite a bit of chocolate, feeling ok or even good in my stomach, digestive system, immediate body sensations. But the amount my body enjoys is certainly a lot of calories and enough to drive my weight up. My body is not wise enough to be able to maintain a magic perfect weight just on feelings. Frankly, some times I go to bed early just to stop the eating.

So, not losing weight, struggling not to gain any more. Focused on exercise and getting stronger and not hurting. Not likely to focus on calorie restrictions until after retirement WHICH IS 62 DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!!

Me

This pony has been my spirit animal as I prepare for retirement. Totally sums up my state of mind.

Thoughts

Me, at 2 am:  "Oh, hello, rumination! Nice to see you in the middle of the night again!  Let's just turn back over to this side, and we'll get back to the racing thoughts."

It's been a bit of a week. I filed my papers for the big R. Last day as an employee: May 31. Told my immediate boss. Succession planning is the thing now.

Things in my life retirement will make better, to some degree: 

• Time
• Ability to engage in partisan politics

Things in my life retirement will not by itself make better, and likely make worse:

• Everything else, including
• Money
• Social isolation
• Energy level

Got a call at 9 pm Monday, the big boss, while I was walking the dog and planning a blog post. Asking me to do, immediately, what I do - working with one or more of my team, pull some data, do some analysis, write it up in English, give him insight and the tools to share it. Kept us up for hours, and reminded me why I like work, and how good both my team and also me are. Succession planning. Make sure that team is taken care of and valued.

The call on Monday interrupted what was about to be this blog post. I had Gym Magic happen Monday night. I felt pooky, not up to snuff, not wanting to go to the gym. My knee hurt. My head hurt. My lower back hurt. Had an appointment with the trainer, or I wouldn't have gone. At the gym, I worked really hard. And I felt GREAT. I felt strong. My head and my back hurt less or not at all. I felt badass, which is my goal. During the workout, I kept up a mantra, "There is nothing wrong with you. Pain is just a thought. You can do this."  I constantly monitored, not my pain, but my level of effort. Get above medium, go for "hard".  Check in, what is the emotion I feel now?

The reason I did this, was more than a little bit inspired by a radio show, Invisibilia. There is quite a bit making the news these days about chronic pain. I belong to some Facebook groups where there are people using various versions of these mostly mental approaches, combined with physical activity, to reverse cascading chronic pain. This is what I have. Yes, I have arthritis. Yes, I am inclined to migraines. But the way through is around this, not by treating pain itself. The pain is a symptom, but there is not much of an underlying condition. What is there is dealt with mostly by exercise and diet. If you are equipped and inclined to listen to podcasts, I highly recommend this episode.

Ah, eating right. I seem to lose all moral fiber and judgement in the evenings. I'm adding a good 200-500 calories every night with out of control eating.  I'm like a zombie, or a lemming talking to another lemming as we go over the edge, "You know, this is a really bad idea. There is absolutely no reason to do this and it won't end well."  I also flop on the couch, and except for Monday, do not walk the dog. It's still dark and cold when it's time to go. I know there is dog walk outdoor magic to be had out there, but my evening low energy and lost judgement zombie decline keeps me glued to the couch. I'm almost defiantly proud of my torpid sloth. Until the morning, when I bemoan the lost opportunities.

Back to Running

Running is very important to my self-image. I like it for itself. I know it brings terrific health benefits. But I really want to be able to describe myself as a runner. It brings a level of bad-assery to my self image that "active" doesn't provide. So, even though I am frustrated at the current lack of progress on my knee healing, I went for it on Saturday. It was the barest possible toe in the water at running, but it was definitely running and I'm glad.

Out and back course - and made it in 52 minutes!

There is a world-wide group of community running organizations, Parkrun, that has several local groups, the biggest and most convenient being in nearby College Park. Every single Saturday around the world they put on free, timed 5Ks. I went and volunteered once in December, right before the knee surgery, to scope it out. Every Saturday this year I've thought of going, but weather and busy-ness kept me from going. To be honest, the sad state of my recovery also kept me from going. I didn't want to be last. I wanted to be at least as fast as their 100-year-old walker! I set a target of an hour and fifteen minutes to do the 3.1 miles, in practice walks. I got there in practices, so it was a matter of scheduling.

When the stars finally aligned yesterday, I decided I was ready to try a tiny bit of running. There is nothing that gets my heart rate up like running, and I really want to get back to it. So, I set my fancy running watch to beep and vibrate intervals:  30 seconds of running, followed by 2 minutes of walking. Yes, you got that right - just 30 seconds of running at a time, followed by four times that of walking. I have read, on one of my facebook groups, about people starting at that low a level, though I never have before.

I felt slightly ridiculous as the first 30 second vibration hit my wrist and I slowed to a walk just 30 seconds after starting. But, the way intervals work, best to keep to them from the start. By a mile into it, it was starting to feel like this was the right level. At the halfway turn-around, it clearly was the right level. It was my goal to be able to still be doing a definite run - not walk - at the finish line, and I made it. I only skipped one run interval, right near the end, and it was because I was talking to some other women along the way.

You can see the effect of the intervals on my pace (above) and even more sharply on my heartrate (below)

So I'm on my way back!

My knee started hurting right away, in the first interval, and I wondered if I could do it. But, I kept going, and as time passed it didn't hurt worse and I was less focused on it. The doctor told me I wouldn't be injuring it, even if I did something that made it hurt, so I just kept going. It didn't hurt worse at the end than the beginning, and I don't think it was worse for the rest of the day, or today.