Anomie, Ennui, and Inertia

Anomie:  personal unrest, alienation, and uncertainty that comes from a lack of purpose or ideals.
Ennui:  a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest; boredom.
Inertia:  a feeling of not having the energy or desire that is needed to move or change.

Shades of meaning. Not quite the same thing, but clearly related. At different times, I suffer from all three.

This summer, the family went away without me. I had my job. I had my house, my dog, my boat, my friends. And yet, anomie seized me, even at work. What was I supposed to be doing? Why?  I was physically restless, far from inertia, walking and running to try to work off the restlessness and drive myself to the deep sleep of exhaustion. It could be quite pleasant, beyond the momentary physical relief.  But disconnected from the family, I failed to find purpose in anything.  Things did not become magically clear when the family returned, but  it was far easier to pause and ask myself, "what should I be doing right now?" and receive an answer that was clear and directed.  Not always (though often) directed at the welfare of the family, but clear and filled with purpose.  This is something to think about, as I prepare for an emptier nest next year.

Restless with anomie or purposeful, inertia or ennui sometimes seizes me. Paired with anomie, I can feel like the walking dead with no brains in sight to give me a direction. But also, the "what should I be doing" can be clear, and yet I don't do it. So of course that leads to guilt and shame.  Sometimes, that lack of action is driven by a lack of energy, physically, everything just seems overwhelming. Sometimes, it is the spirit that is lacking. There can be external causes that are clear and present. There is the serpent's tooth of the teenager, rebuffing my doing what I should. There can be lack of sleep, allergies, setbacks at work. Or the black cloud can just show up and visit, in either form.

When it is ennui, often I will find something else to do - walk, go someplace, do something other than the thing I should be doing, but at least do something. Break from the boredom, the same-old, same-old. An ice cream run may occur. I might even do some kind of a project. Movement may lead to additional momentum to get back to the shoulds, or at least produce something tangible I can feel good about.

But when it's inertia, usually I watch tv, surf cat videos, read an easy book, or go to sleep in the middle of the day, not things that I feel proud of later. It is killing time. Just trying to get through it, and let it pass.  Ice cream is too much work.  Work is too much work. (Thank god for meetings, the alternative to actual work.)  It passes, eventually.

Don't worry, guys. Depression runs in my family and I know it when I see it. This is not a huge, prevalent, looming problem for me. In fact, because it is rare, I try to pin it down, regard it from all sides, and figure it out. I want precision in my self diagnosis. Perhap the precision will assist in self-prescribing a cure.

I have an app:  gottaFeeling.  It prompts to look at its word lists, and find the precise one that matches the feeling of the moment.  It keeps track of history, and shows using colors in a beautiful graphic what has been reported as going on inside. I am not regular and faithful using it. It's probably a fair assumption that when I do report often, it's because I feel off track.  But it's interesting to me to look at, and think about. No aha moments, but a perspective more reliable than pure memory. "I've been feeling down a lot, let me see what I can do to help pull myself out of the hole." or "Gosh, look at all that yellow happiness there! What was going on? How can I do that again?"

Tracking, guys. It's what I do.